Good idea for an article. As a vegetarian myself, I agree that animals were not put on this earth solely for human benefit. You have a lot of really great ideas going but I think you need more facts to back it up. Your final paragraph tells me this is supposed to be a persuasive article, so why is it titled with a question? I thought maybe from the title you were going to argue that animals don't have rights, so I think the title is misleading. Also, I don't know about this statement:
"We eat them and teach children that if we don't eat animals then they would grow in number and eat us."
That's not what I was taught... I was taught that if I didn't eat meat then I wouldn't grow. I just think it's weird and out of place.
I want to know more about where and how you got your ideas, and I think a lot more can bet done to this article to make it even stronger. If you end up editing it let me know and I'll come back and take another look!
Great work! I really enjoyed your poem on a topic that can sometimes be overused... :) I like the first stanza, especially that it starts with a question. That really drew me in. There are a few places in your poem where the flow seems disrupted, though. For example, the first line of the third stanza goes off the set rhythm! Maybe if you just took out the "they whisper" it would flow more easily, and leave the whole stanza in quotations. Another spot where the rhythm seems thrown off is in the third stanza. "Have you ever seen anything as exquisite as this?" seems just a little too long.
Well these are just suggestions. Like I said, good work and keep writing!
I don't R&R everything I read because sometimes I just don't feel like putting the time into it, and when I do review something, it is always in depth and well thought out. I never rate without reviewing, so if I rated everything I read it would take an awfully long time :)
The things that I do R&R are usually items that need work and I know how to help or have a few suggestions, or things that are so wonderful I can't stand not saying anything. Other things like mediocre work or something that is just bland that I don't know how to help the person I don't review, because I don't want my review to be "It's okay, good work, keep writing!" because I despise those kind of reviews myself. Also, if I open up something and the grammar is so horrible I can't bare to look at it, I just push the back arrow.
Maybe this response is coming off as snobby, I don't know. I'm just trying to be honest, and with that comes a desire to give others reviews that I would find helpful myself, and if I can't do that, then I don't review.
Sorry this was so long, dunno if you even wanted to hear it! :) Good poll, made me think.
Sweet, I like it... I agree that love lasts forever and your imagery and comparisons support the idea very well. The only problem I have is that the grammar/spelling is bad, and that makes it seem very unprofessional and for many people is a complete turn off. So here's some help:
crumbel --> crumble
nomatter --> no matter
theres --> there's
wont --> won't
u --> you
in the line "and when couples fight there troubles it unites there hearts" both "there"s should be "their."
And please capitalize your I's and put apostrophes in your "I'lls".
Other than these little things, I generally like your poem. Keep on writing!!
WOW. I haven't been to writing.com in such a long time because all the poetry I was reading disappointed me (maybe I have too high standards?) but this is absolutely fantastic. I especially like the third stanza and: "Somewhere in the middle .. I am singing." I think at that point I had to pause and remember to breathe.
I haven't read a poem in a long time that uses such simple language yet is so stunning. Your poem is beautiful yet sad, but also strangely hopeful. Thanks for sharing your talent and I hope to come across you again. :)
This is so sad! It reminds me of the so many times one of my "so-called" friends has hurt me. I see you wrote this a long time ago but I hope you know that the pain is not worth it .
I know I mentioned this about the last item I reviewed for you, but it would make a huge difference if you capitalized your I'ms and I'lls.
I think the words you chose to rhyme are significantly better than in your other poem, "The Feel Of Her Skin." The only thing that kinda bothers me is your very last line. "Piles of cat" just isn't that pleasing to my ears... it would probably be better made plural to "cats" or if you chose to write something completely different.
For the last stanza, I think something like this would sound a lot more pleasing:
"I'm not going to cry (this line is fine, just capitalize it)
I swear, I swear to keep telling me that (repitition strengthens the emotional feel)
I'll just sit here and touch noses (I find intimacy with animals/pets very sweet)
With my sweet, purring cat."
Of course, these are just suggestions! Make changes to your like, then let me know, and I may change my rating.
Oh- and let me know if there are any specific poems/writings you would like me to review and I would obligingly help!
Good job, I don't think I've found many ballads on Writing.com. I really like that your poem is unique- I know that is an overused word, but honestly, I *am* sick of reading the same old sappy poems with horrible rhyme schemes. I like your repetition, it makes the poem more like a song, which is what a ballad is supposed to be, right?
I can really picture the man riding on his horse through all parts of the country. My favorite description is:
"Spraying freezing water 'round,
Into rye fields gold and high,"
Another thing I like about this: The ending is tragic yet realistic to what a ballad would be like during this time period. It somewhat reminds me of "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes. Have you read that poem?
The reason I am giving you 4.0 stars is because while I enjoyed your piece, it just does not move me in awe. Phrases the phrase "Seeing visions of battle" is too undescriptive for the way I invision war, and another phrase "Sunlight bleeding" just seems a bit cliche.
I understand that you wrote it a long time ago and probably will not be making any changes. But good work, and keep writing!
-Empress
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/childempress
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.38 seconds at 8:12pm on Apr 25, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
.