The line "you still are avoiding me" would sound better if you wrote it:
"you are still avoiding me" or "you still avoid me".
Last line, you should end it with a question mark, as it is a question that you're asking.
If you don't want it as a question, maybe write it "you won't even know I've gone"
I hope you won't mind a few comments from me on your poem.
Verse one:
"they" should be "there"
Verse four:
"me" should be "we"
"server" should be "sever"
Please correct if I'm wrong, perhaps you mean something else?
I also feel you should use punctuation marks in appropriate places, they help the reader to read the poem as you intended they should.
Overall I found this poem to be touching, on a theme that reflects the thoughts of so many who are seeking love. A good effort, well done, and keep writing!
I hope you won't mind me bringing your rating down, but I've decided that there isn't such a thing as a perfect poem. This effort of yours, however, comes pretty close, and you deserve all the accolades that come your way. The story told is witty, humorous and engaging, and so far, I have yet to see anyone write so diversely and so professionally as you evidently can. Well done! The only drawback to being this good is that you have set the bar so high, that you will always be under pressure to perform at the very top of your ability. I have a sneaking suspicion that you thrive under pressure!
Your story gave me goose-bumps when I read it. Is this a true story or just made up?
I feel it needs some tidying up, but basically it is a good heart-tugger. You may want to change the title to "When He Drowned", as it puts the tense into the past. It doesn't make sense as it is now, as it gives conflicting tenses, and is not strictly grammatically correct. For example, if your story was called "When He Drive", it would not sound right, so you would change it to "When He Drives", or to "When He Drove". I'm not a very good reviewer, so I hope you will not mind my comments.
Take care,
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement,
appreciation, and/or assistance.
I am only offering my personal opinion, for what this poem does for me.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Overall Impression:
Certainly not one of your best, but not the worst poem I’ve ever read.
What I Liked Most:
The way the poem rhymes is good, and the view presented is refreshingly different.
What I Liked Least:
In a few places, the poem struggled for ‘flow’.
General Suggestions:
A few subtle, well-placed commas would certainly help the rhythm and improve the ‘flow’.
Technical Suggestions:
Verse 3, line 3: perhaps after “But” insert “what”. This makes it a little less awkward to read.
Conclusion:
All in all, not so bad. You do have a great writing talent, keep it up!
for a 13 y.o. this is quite a profound idea, and in my humble opinion, very well written. Kinda reminds me of my life. I really like the style of rhyme, personally I go for rhyme. Try and avoid rhyming doubles, eg. away/away, and can/can. You did well with this, and I hope you kept it up.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chitita
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 12:44am on May 02, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
