I love how you can tell the speaker is getting older with each stanza. Child, teen, young adult, adult, senior then death. We all have fears, many the same ones you listed. Good job.
Is this a true story? If so, I'm sorry for how your dad treated you. If not, then you have brilliantly written this tale. Though the man lived until I was middle school or high school age, I never met my mother's biological father. He and my grandmother divorced when my mom was fairly young and my grandmother married three more times in her lifetime. She divorced the second and fourth, but the third died when my mom was 18. He was the man my mom called Daddy. He's the one she considered being her father. Her 'real' father would have had trouble picking her out of a line up. So though I had a close relationship with my dad, I know from my mom how you felt. I don't know how many times my biological grandfather married. I know it was several. My mom has several half siblings and only talks to one of them. If this is a true story, your father missed out more than you. I say that because you are a special person, someone who can create feelings with words. No offense, but he doesn't sound like a very good person at all.
This is a great story, but I did find a few grammar and punctuation errors, though. In the first paragraph, 'Their Mama and Dad and of course, Fluffy the hamster.' is just a sentence fragment. In the 10th paragraph, where Fireman Joe talks about checking the puppies out, you left out the quotation mark after 'answered Fireman Joe,'. In the 12th paragraph, where they give Bailey her name, Captain Jack's answer probably should start a new paragraph and you left a quotation mark out there, too. You could also start a new paragraph when Mia picks up Bailey. Despite the errors, I quite enjoyed this story. Thank you for sharing it.
I know how this feels. I've worked at fast food and retail and those are such thankless jobs. People get angry with you for things that aren't your fault. You feel like no one appreciates the job you do. And this applies to people who answer phones, too. My husband answers calls from angry people all the time. They seem to blame the person on the other end of the phone for things that are sometimes the fault of the person who is angry. He works for CVS and people have actually told him that if they have bad side effects from not getting their medications, they would sue him personally. And you wouldn't believe how many people don't read the fine print on their insurance policies. I wish more people would be patient with those in the industries that deal with the public.
Once upon a time there was a powerful black stallion, tall and handsome. Everyday, this stallion would lead his herd to the river to get something to drink. One day, they arrived at the river to find a hungry mountain lion. The mountain lion decided that it wanted to eat a foal for lunch. Because of that, the stallion had to fight off the mountain lion. Until finally, the strong stallion beat the mountain lion and it ran off, never to challenge the horse again.
Holy crap! Unless I'm very much mistaken, they killed and cremated some because they had bullied their child. I will say that I can understand how they felt, at least from a different point of view. I was bullied as a child and if you've read
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2124552 by Not Available.
then I think you will figure out the hidden meaning behind it. As a victim of bullying, I sometimes wish I could get a little revenge on those who tormented me as well. I liked this story very much.
Not sure exactly what is meant by this poem, but I did see some things that could be changed. In the first stanza, is there any reason why the second half of the last line couldn't be a line of its own? Not a critical change, just something to look at. The only other thing I saw to comment on was the last line. Is that supposed to be 'Follow"? Other than that, the poem seems fine. Keep up the good work.
Fun little story, though I kinda wonder what kind of dog it is. Given the viciousness, though, I'm betting on a Chihuahua. I do wonder why the police officer was on the bus, though. The ending was amazing, though, with her not only not training the dog to do that being unable to make the dog release.
This section of the story is fairly well written. You did a very good job of keeping the Malfoys' personalities intact, something that isn't easy when borrowing characters from another writer. I did find a small spelling error in the 5th paragraph. You put odinary instead of ordinary. Other than that, excellent job.
I very much enjoyed this Madlib. I will say I was rather surprised that the first item on the list didn't show up until the very end of the story, but with this format, it is another way to twist the story. As for the story itself, it was well thought out and followed the standard format of the official Madlibs I've done.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chrisdo
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 12:13am on May 05, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
