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1
1
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Jeff ,

Here's another review for your shower from Showering Acts of Joy
I'm happy to comment here, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*

Impressions
Oh, I liked this one, it's just so naughty. I almost feel like I should be reading it under the covers after everyone else is in bed. The story evokes a sense of the forbidden, and leaves me (as a reader) wanting to know more.

Good Points
I do so enjoy being brought around to the actual point of the story, rather than being able to discern it from the outset. And with this story, I was thinking it was romantic tryst, where maybe the got lost and something bad started to happen to them. Which is sort of what happened, right? *Laugh*
Your pacing for the story, as well as the very deliberate revelation pace just worked so very well that I was anticipating the next chapter as this one drew to a close. Now I want to know what's going to happen when 'they' manage to reach the end of their current schedule, what's the climax they're striving for?

Suggestions
Ohh, what can I say? I've gone over the story four times or so and I just can't figure out what to suggest. It's a good piece. My only issue is that the story stops with Laurent showing up. I want to know what happens next... *sigh*

Conclusion
Never one to disappoint when I stop my your portal to find something to read, you have once again delivered up to expectations. I enjoy your writing style and the delivery is as usual, quite enchanting. Once again, thank you for sharing this story with us, even if it wasn't quite what I was expecting (that's a good thing right?). I'll see you around and as an open offer, just ask and I'd be happy to take a look at anything else you have for the purpose of reviewing or copy-editing level re-reads. Take care.


Duke-CastleChaos
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2
2
Review of The Wages of Sin  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Iva Lilly Durham ,

Here's another review for your *Umbrella*shower*Umbrella* from from Showering Acts of Joy
I'm happy to comment here, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*

Impressions
I gotta tell you, I wasn't to sure how to go about reviewing this piece. It's not my usual type of cake. But despite that I was drawn to it, so much so that after giving up on the first read of a few paragraphs I ended coming back to it to see how it all worked out in the end. So I suppose that's a good thing, right?

As for the story itself, I am stunned. The ending left me horrified, yet hopeful, and rather saddened at the turn of events.
For all of that it's a good short story, carrying off the elements with a sparseness that makes one wonder how long you worked at it to pare it down this far without losing much of the impact.

Good Points
Not sure where to start. You've pared away the veneer of humanity's civilization and gotten to some much deeper darker concepts that many are willing to address in writing, fiction or otherwise. I loved how you foreshadowed the ending regarding the sister and all that, it came together quite well, layered and veiled but present and powerful.

Suggestions
I can't really pin any hard suggestions to this item. There are a great many places I'd have structured the micro-delivery differently, but that's a style thing I think. And there was one point on the last line
"no comfort her her words or from anything"
Which just don't make sense, looks like a typing error however, not anything else.

Conclusion
As I said before, not my usual style of story to snag and read, but the description and of course the title just wouldn't let me pass this one up. You've crafted a rather good short story here. I don't really think there's much more to tell, and suggesting that there is a novel hidden in this one (as is a common comment) would be false, but I am glad to have read this piece. I makes one think just a little deeper than we usually might. Thank you for going where many fear to tread, I am the richer for having read your story.


Duke-CastleChaos
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3
3
Review of Shunned  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Evening inform1 ,

Just a quick stop thanks to the Nanowrimists Golden Pen Trail (or something like that).

Anyhow, I'm not sure what to make of this piece. I loved how concise and focused it was, yet the ending left me feeling incomplete. I suppose that it has more to do with my wiring than your story however, I just have a problem with unresolved endings. And while the ending is concrete, it's the discrepancy between having had the courage to get convicted and sentenced, the protagonist doesn't (at the point of the story end) hasn't found the courage to do what he feels is necessary.

Oh, I don't really know, it's a good story, and well written as a narrative, I'm just out of sorts with the ending. Good work and as usual, keep writing good stuff. I also took a look at your essay on motherhood. And while I'm a dad not a mom, I can totally relate to the emotions therein.

May you have a restful night.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
4
4
Review of The sea  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lucy , I thought I'd drop my two cents off for you, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*{c}

Impressions
First, I flagged this from the front page as I logged in today. It's a good piece. I particularly liked the four line structure you put it in.
Without getting all formal and stuff (mostly because I suck at it), I am taking away a sense of wistfulness combined with power and the feel of a dream realized.

Suggestions

The only real stumbling block for me was the second verse, which blocked me up with the line "Filling the gaps between my toes." The words just felt out of place and out of flow. Could just be me however.

Conclusion

Rounding out the poem is the four lines that I will take away and carry in my soul for awhile. Such potent impact in these lines. I won't repeat them here, since anybody else reading this should go and read for themselves, but you won't feel cheated should you do so.

A great poem and powerful to boot. I was haunted by the feelings powered through in the final stanza. I'll leave off since I'm supposed to be working here, but I'll drop into your port later on and have a peak. If this one is this good, what're the rest going to be like. Maybe a diamond mine waiting to be read?
Keep up the great writing.


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5
5
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Harry , I thought I'd drop my two cents off for you, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*{c}

Impressions
It took me a while to pick something out of this port; my goodness you've been prolific. This piece struck me initially as less glamorous and poetic that I was anticipating, but then as it went on, the flourish at the end wrapped it nicely. And! I didn't actually see it coming. I thought she'd died.


Suggestions
I'm not sure that I can come up with any suggestions to this one. I've tried; heck,even read it aloud like three times looking, but there's just nothing I'd change in it.

Conclusion
The practice seems to have paid off. Well done. And thanks for sharing such examples, pointing us beginner writers in the right direction.

Dan

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6
6
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi jadelette, *Bigsmile*

Here's a M2M review for/from the Rising Stars!

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*
And as one of Pat's new rising stars, I just had to stop by and take a look.

*Reading*First Impression:
This story has quite a bit going on in it doesn't it? I got hints of future holocaust, post-apocalyptic civilization, maybe some magic or necromancy, and definitely a high-fantasy feel.
As for the story itself, it stands on solid ground by itself, without too much by way of unanswered questions (if you're into short stories that is).
Oh, and I liked the gypsy feel to the beginning of it all.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Worldbuilding - enough said?
The adjective usage is powerful and vivid, almost an overwhelming form in itself here, kinda like the power of poetry. I could feel the story as I read it through.
The ending rocked, I was so set up for a tragic and terminal fate, but . . . well, yeah, good ending.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only a couple of minor bits here, more semantics I suppose.
First, your opening is so very powerful that I had to physically slow down and read it over more than twice to get all that you'd packed into it. Such alliteration is great in longer works where the subconscious can mull things as you move on with the story, but in a piece this length, it's almost too much. Breaking it up into a pair of paragraphs would slow the reader down and maybe allow the reader to not work so hard. (I did mention semantics, right?)
The second thing that really stood out to me was commas. Now I know that this is a personal issue (comma usage) but personally I was stumbling over them as I read the article. Once I had the hang of it I just rode roughshod over top of them and got through the story without a hitch, but it required ignoring many of the commas that you put in.

*Right*Conclusion:
This story rocks. A light technical edit and I would have a problem finding anything at all wrong with it. If you ever (and I do mean ever) expand on this story, and think of it, please please please let me know. These things, written like this, with a new set world et. al. get into my bloodstream like a drug, and without another fix, it's just going to rot there and I'll wonder where the story went... yes, I'm odd, but it's a good story, so it'll stick with me and bug me for quite a while yet. Anyhow, I'll leave off here and get back to my own work.


Cheers! *Coffeebl*
Duke-CastleChaos

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7
7
Review of Astrid  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Kitty Can Write , *Bigsmile*

Here's a M2M review for/from the Rising Stars!

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
I wasn't really sure how I felt about this piece as I finished reading it. I initially started reading based solely on the name, Astrid, but while being a catalyst, Astrid wasn't the focus now was she?

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Structurally you've done a fine job with this piece; the suspense and the anticipation were built well, and I truly enjoyed the twist at the end. Leading us hapless readers on as though Seamus was single and a somewhat boring indiviudal. Turns out he's not quite that straight forward is he?

*Pencil*Suggestions:
I'm not sure I can come up with too many suggestions (ok, not any right now) so how about a "what didn't work for me" bit?
First, as I said, the suspense was well played. But the single life, the staid boring aspect, the intolerable insufferable irrelevance of his life was overstated just a little in my mind.
Second, I'm not a big fan of how the story was left hanging. I'm of two minds about 'what actually happened' and they're both hammering it out in my head right now for supreme dominance.
Even a slight small sentence at the end leading us one way or the other would help hapless readers like myself.

*Right*Conclusion:
Well written (but you knew that didn't you?,) and with no technical errors that I noticed, you did well. As for the infuriatingly maddening teaser of an ending, did you mean to put it that way? Or am I just warped and twisted enough to come up with options were there really were none? *Laugh* Either way, well done, and a good piece of work.


Cheers! *Coffeebl*
Duke-CastleChaos

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8
8
Review of Annie's Ride  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Diane , I thought I'd drop my two cents off for you, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*

Impressions
What a powerful piece. You've manged to shoehorn an entire lifetime's worth of emotion into a thimbleful of words.
I'm not real sure if I could be objective in evaluating this piece in any event, but this is a well deserved win in the Daily Flash (yes a month ago now).
I was searching for something to suggest but I find I cannot fault any single point. I'd have laid out the sentences differently, longer and less direct, but that is writing style and your's works very well the way it is in this piece.

Conclusion
Good writing, I only hope to develop such proficiency as I practice.

Dan



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9
9
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi P.J.Gray , I thought I'd drop my two cents off for you, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*

I'll short cut my usual reviewing routine here. Congratulations on the win, having read the entries, it was well deserved.
Personally I really liked the piece, there were just a couple of things that stuck out at me, if I may?
First, the repetitive use of the protagonists name in a piece like this is not technically wrong, but you can get away with 'him', 'he' and 'his' quite a bit more as there is only one real character.
Second (and you will hear this often) watch out for passive sentence structures, they really dull the impact. For example, where you wrote {b]"His hairs on his back started to rise. It was the most scared he had ever felt in his life", maybe try something like more afraid than he had ever been, he felt his hackles rise as the ghost began to speak."
Or something like that, I'm certainly not you, and personally I end up re-writing more than a few times and still have this problem.

Oh, and I love how you ended this piece. "Death" priceless, then the nullified attack. Well played. Even in the last sentence I was enjoying the twist.

Dan.



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10
10
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams ; Just dropping off my two cents, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*

Impressions
I am so fond of saying, poetry is not my strong point, which is a shame seeing as how so much of it is written, and often such quality work, as your piece here is.

I dropped into the cadence and rhyming scheme right off, which was a pleasant surprise (I'm usually too dense to get the feel right on poetry), and from there the piece just flowed.

Imagery was powerful but a little vague, and the circular feeling of the phrasing really had quite an impact on how I perceived the poem. A sense of urgency, longing and despair (resignation?) all crept through the piece and into my hindbrain. Thanks for that. Now I'm going to have to write and settle down a bit before trying to get to sleep.

S'okay, I knew the risks when I signed on. *laughing*

Take care, and keep up the good writing.

Dan.



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11
11
Review of Soar  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi bkcompton, Just my two cents, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*

Impressions
I've never been good at the technical side of poetry, but tis a fine piece you've laid bare before us here.

I'm getting a tangled skein of emotions and impressions as I read this through. The pacing was a mite tricky to hammer down for me personally, but the imagery and the allusions were subtly precise.

I liked that.

Subtly precise.

Good writing and congrats on the Rising Stars nod on the contest.

Dan.



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12
12
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi mars ,

Here's another review from Showering Acts of Joy
I'm happy to comment here, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*
Additionally, I do hope that it is alright to comment on the whole of the book in a single review; it seems to make more sense to me.

Impressions
I'll keep this general for now. Your writing style seemed odd when I first started reading, but then I slowed down and picked up the beat. I would guess that your first calling is poetry and lyrics, not prose and paragraphs.
Sure enough, running around in your port, it seems that such is the case, preference is given to poetry over prose.


Commentary
Specifically, I like the imagery and the intense level of engagement you created in the first chapter, where she's struggling against the night, against being awake, against all things. Generally, your introduction seems sound, and I would certainly read further, as by the end of the first part I am truly and whole looking for the conflict and overall plot of the novel.

Jumping forward to the next portion, concerning the unhappy events described, I'll leave off at highlighting what an engaging and powerful style you've evoked with that portion. Yes the whole of the story with the Egyptian young man was told with a relentless, brash, no-frills and breathless manner, but in doing so we get a true feeling from the reading and even now, three days after initially reading the post, I'm still clear on the content and moved by it.

Then we are dropped again, into something completely different (yes, I'm hearing Monty Python's music here). The third chapter is an interesting divergence from the normal bits, in that it's referencing literary material and fan-fiction and such. What you've set up as a query "Can I do this?" has an interesting premise, but there are so very many ways you could run with it.
Thus I'll just reserve commentary to answering the two questions that jumped out at me. First, yes you can totally do something like that, it's tricky if you don't know your source material, so watch more. But it sounds like you've got that covered. The second question seemed to have to do with a matter of relevance and endurance. Thus in answer, books and good writing never go out of style. I'm still reading fan fiction about a series that was only ever aired on BBC and CBC, and stopped it's initial airing over seven years ago, probably more.

Finally, you come to a complete and open admission of intent and such. The fourth chapter was just fine.
The purpose of Nano is/was to write; not to write well, often not to write coherently (just take my efforts for example), but generally just to write. Biography, literary, total fiction, a fifty thousand word dialogue based comic if you want to, but just write.

It seems you nailed that concept well. I have no idea if you made the goal this year, I only barely did and at that, I ended up deleting fully half of what I wrote (note to self, next year try writing before work in the morning, not after midnight when it seems I have no brain left at all).

Conclusion
You've got a great lyrical writing style when you drop into the narrative, and it was truly engaging to read. In the brief bits of narrative you've provided there are at least three powerful story lines. I'm not going to suggest that each or all of them together would be novel length, they may be, but the joy in writing is to just write the story and see where it goes, how far and when it stops.

Good work, I like the writing style and I'd like to offer a sincere congratulations on the lessons learned from your attempt at NaNo this year.

Daniel Casey


Duke-CastleChaos
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13
13
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Happy May 2024! , *Bigsmile*

Here's a M2M review for/from the Rising Stars!

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
A fun read, if a little quick for the content matter. I enjoyed the snapshot into the mindset of the MC.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
You've done a superb job of creating the emotional and practical reality of the main character. I really felt as though I were inside her head, or sitting there with her over coffee while she related the story. Not once was I tossed out of the illusion that a good story weaves.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
If anything, I would have to say that the story didn't feel complete. It felt like a vignette, not a story. The relaying of the episode to the reader via the MC was very well done, as was the conveyance of the lesson learned; but there was no story line as such. Does that make sense? It was not -MC had a problem, faces as situation, and then overcomes obstacles to conquer the problem resulting in the reward at the end of the story- kinda thing. The whole just felt a little unfocused. Oh dear. I think I'm floundering trying to convey a concept that's beyond me right now. Sorry.

*Right*Conclusion:
It's a good item, and you have gift for the first person narrative which I can honestly say I lack. Well done and well written.

Cheers! *Coffeebl*
Duke-CastleChaos

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14
14
Review of Butch  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi silverfeathers , *Bigsmile*

Here's a M2M review for/from the Rising Stars!

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
A fun little conflict story. Innocent, and awkward. I liked this, and I can remember being that little boy that you've so very well defined.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
You've got the characterization down to a fine art here, as well as keeping everything in the one perspective (Joey's view, nothing else that I noticed).

Second point, you've done a good job here of both creating the full conflict as well as wrapping it all up in the space of the short story as it sits.

Finally, I like how you've tackled an often overlooked perspective, it's so common to disregard the active concerns and worries, let alone the opinions of the smaller people that in habit this world.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one discrepancy. And having been in "Butch's" position more than a couple of times in my life.. (yeah, long story, not relevant) the response patterns were just ever so slightly off. Kyle is the adult and he can obviously see what's happening here. We get that loud and clear early on, so the response patterns during the picnic seem Odd. His hostility and agression are hard to place within the framework of a guy who's willing to do what it takes and has the patience for the task at hand (winning over the son of the lady he's interested in).

*Right*Conclusion:
All in all a good story. Short, to the point and most importantly it left me with a good feeling of conclusion at the end. Keep up the good work.

Cheers! *Coffeebl*
Duke-CastleChaos

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15
15
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Meg , *Bigsmile*

Here's a M2M review for/from the Rising Stars!

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Funny. Yep, and endearing. Almost feels quaint, but not really.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
This quick short poem, and the follow-up one "STICKY NOTES."  are delightful. We all have somebody like this (you?) in our lives, mine is in face my mother-in-law. And you've captured the essence of her daily struggle within these words.

Using alliteration, a solid repetitive beat, and a rhyming scheme that just seems to work (a couple of discrepancies actually empowered the poem in my reading, not the other way around), you have powered a concept directly into my back-brain, bypassing the part of me that usually doesn't enjoy poetry in many forms.

Well done.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Suggestions? Oh goodness? I don't really know, maybe an expansion of the concept, as I was disappointed when I came to the end of the poem. But then again, it might very well be the writing style that makes it enjoyable to read, as well as the topic material.


*Right*Conclusion:
As I started out saying, a delightful if quick read. Full marks as you've done a magnificent job of painting the picture in my head and I was left smiling. I'll have to make a note to come back on a day when I'm not so very out of time.

Sincerely,Dan Casey

Cheers! *Coffeebl*
Duke-CastleChaos

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16
16
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi warriormom, *Bigsmile*

Here's a M2M review for/from the Rising Stars!
I realized that I hadn't done a M2M review for y'all, so how's about I remedy that.

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
I have to say that my first impression is that of conflict, antagonism, and great discomfort. These are unhappy people who are all at odds with a great variety of things.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Situation building, characterizing, and creating the conflict topic. I particularly like how you've not shied away from the more negative aspects of interpersonal conflict in this really quite sensitive topic. This particular topic affects more of my close family than one might care to admit, and the whole of the character spread you've created here rings more or less true to form. Each person is different under trying circumstances, but it seems as though you've been close to this topic at some point in some format.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Ahh, and suggestions.
Only a couple of points to make here. I've not done a line edit, or checked for grammar and such. Nothing stood out to me while reading it so there's nothing glaringly wrong, might be some hanging commas or split sentences, but I didn't pick up on them.

As for the story itself, First thing to watch for is that you've dropped into three separate head spaces. At different points through this story, you've got the reader (us) in Susan's head, in Miranda's head, and Mrs. Johnston. The only reason I can pick up on this is that until very recently, almost all of my writing sounded like it was crowd-sourced, with at a minimum, five or six head-hops that just drove my reader's nuts.

Second point I have to bring up is that while after stepping back and consciously looking for the scope of the story (where it starts, where it stops and how it got from A to B), I can see what's going on. But as I read it through initially there's not quite that much clarity. I guess the suggestion (if you plan on re-writing) is that it'd benefit from a tightening of the story arc, there's a lot of extra material that while creating one heck of an atmosphere, doesn't advance the story for me whole bunches.

*Right*Conclusion:
Ok, that was a lot to try to summarize. Sorry about that. This is a powerful piece, and it really grabbed me. I think it was the setting and characterization that you've done here.
And tackling such a sensitive topic with no ambiguity, that takes a special something. Well done.

I've really got to read more of the pieces in your port. Your writing style is compelling and powerful, as well as not being shy of the really painful or deep topics that so many just avoid outright.

I hope this finds you in good spirits and health.

Happy Easter and God Bless.


Cheers! *Coffeebl*
Duke-CastleChaos

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17
17
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Wordwing , *Bigsmile*

Here's a M2M review for/from the Rising Stars!

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
An interesting if time-tested and road worthy premise. I was intrigued by the first chapter as it was presented, but there were some inconsistencies in timing and layout (structure?).

I liked the story as it has been started, and by the end of reading it I am invested in Veraia's story.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
You certainly have a flair for the descriptive. This world was clear to me, almost too clear as it were, but the descriptors.. oh my.

"an ancient slowan whose leafy crown appeared to lightly brush the clouds above, a mass of shadows slowly coalesced" I have to say, this is the most interesting descriptive phrases I've read in an opening paragraph.

On a second note, you have, in a very short span, created a world and suggested a conflict. As a reader I'm now invested in seeing where this goes.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
I'm going to keep this short.
1- there were no major grammer or punctuation errors that I picked up on. Not saying they weren't there, but I didn't pick up on them.
2- Are you sure you've started the story in the right spot? I enjoyed the meeting between the two "other" beings, her guardians, but until I met Veraia in the second part I really had no feel for the story. It might work better to bring her online first, then go back and broaden out the story as underbelly work to the main line (Veraia's story). Just a feeling.
3- The descriptions, while done superbly, are feeling like they slow the story down at this point. As a reader, I want to be hooked, and hooked hard, early on, then I'll take the time to slow down and see the scenery (as it were).


*Right*Conclusion:
I enjoy these kinds of stories, so I'll cut a lot of slack in my opinions when I get to read them. Makes it hard to be objective, but in this case I can see a good premise and it seems that you have a good feel as to how the story is going to go. I'd cheerfully read along further if and when you feel it's ready for a total review.

Cheers! *Coffeebl*
Duke-CastleChaos

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18
18
Review of I am your Road  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mark Tiwo , *Bigsmile*

I'm reviewing this poem as part of my enrolment in "Invalid Item" 

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*
A quick scan of titles available for our class to choose from means that I was drawn to yours quite immediately. I was that boy, on the road, the road was me and I'd been just about everywhere that road went, so naturally the title drew me it. I guess that mean's that you've got a good title here. *Bigsmile*

*Reading*First Impression:
Short, fast, high and light. This is a deep subject, many volumes of my personal journal were dedicated to the road and it's whole value, purpose, maybe how it felt about we who traveled it. There was a country song that this poem reminded me of but the name or the singer escape me at the moment. Sorry.

*Magnify*Technical:
Overall, the personification seems to have worked, but it's a little less tangible a sensation than I tend to aim for in reading or writing. Keeping the lines and the stanzas short helped to bring the points home.

The diversity of the observations (soldier, children, old-young, first and last steps, these contrasting aspects attest to the age, the weariness of the road, and it's long standing commitment to the travelers there-on.

*Heart*Emotional:
One gets the sense of age. Great patience and age, perseverance and acceptance, these are felt as I read the poem aloud. My wife doesn't get that but she's a homebody, stuck to a single patch of dirt as it were. Overall the use of personification allowed me as a reader to connect with the road.

*CoffeeBl*Conclusion:
A quick and simple poem, but deep, really deep. I have to say, the final stanza, and the symbolism therein clinched it for me. "A symbol of your years", "Often, I fork." How true, and so very powerful as a simple clean statement. A good poem, I wasn't as moved as I might have been for some other formats, but still I was moved, and caused to think. I really am having trouble coming up with much to suggest as improvements on this one, some of the lines are a little awkward ending, and in one spot I think you missed a space "everyman" looks like it should be "every man", but maybe that's just me. Anyhow, keep up the good work.

DOC

Duke-CastleChaos
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19
19
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Shadowsong , *Bigsmile*

I'm reviewing this poem as part of my enrolment in "Invalid Item" 

Your poem was one of the few selected from which we could choose two to review. The title of yours was just plain enticing, so I had to take a look.
These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Well, first I had to go look up what caesura meant, and what it was in the context of a poetic device. With that out of the way, it was a short step to reading the poem afresh and seeing it with a new perspective.
After reading it with that fresh view, your poem told me a story, and actually moved me to sketch out the plot of a novella - The Ballad of Medoma - Not that I'll write it naturally, as the world and the pretense is entirely yours, but there you have it nonetheless. If I get a chance to edit it I'll forward it to you to use as you see fit.


*Magnify*Technical:
The only technical aspect that is stated is the use of caesura as a poetic device. And as such, you have done a very good job. The poem flows nicely in small bite sized chunks. As I pace and read it I am moved to the story. The poem takes hold and tells a short tale, a problem, and a warning, all within the short space of a few lines. Using the format as you have lends an intensity, an immediacy to the message if you will.

The only real suggestion I have here is that I would have broken the lines differently, stepped a little harder on the solid sounds in words like "town" rather than "stricken" in the fourth stanza.

*Heart*Emotional:
Ohh... the emotional aspect? Now this is where it got really interesting for me, I truly got drawn into the dark and dangerous nature of the poem. Reading it, one is shown the lightness, the joy and then in a wonderful twist of perspective we are lend blindly down the garden path into the shadows, and shown the monster that lies in wait for our very souls...

The clarification at the end, summing it up in a warning was a nice touch, it left me as the reader sitting there with a faint hope, a simple yet clean sense of the danger, and a chance at redemption, if only we heed the warning.

*CoffeeBl*Conclusion:
As I started out by saying, this poem told me a story. You've done a good job of getting the whole of the story down, and the caesura device clearly enhanced the whole of the poem, giving emphasis where it felt appropriate.
I'll get back to you if I ever manage to get a moment to run up the outline of the novella I was talking about.

DOC

Duke-CastleChaos
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20
20
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi very thankful , *Bigsmile*

Here's another review from Showering Acts of Joy

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*
And on that note, it's been a while since I've reviewed anything of yours, so I thought I'd try again with the poetry.

*Reading*First Impression:
First Impressions, bleak despair. Truly. This is a conflicted message, much like the base material hey? For such a short poem it's rather packed with material, one message but so very large that we often don't notice it due to life getting in the way.

*Checkg*Technical:
Without a statement of form, all I can do is take this at face value. Looking like free-form, this poem fits well into it's own verses. the choice of words ending the lines, a powerful punch of a sound, emphasizes the points being made.

I'm not sure if it was intentional or incidental, but the use of hard words like 'beer and drugs' to note the jaded hardness of that life, or how the line ending 'healed and nothing more' notes apathy and indifference, resignation. Well played in that regard.

One final note, the last line of the second set, initially looking positive, but on a harder analysis or introspection it's the most damning of the lot; one phrase - seem to think - turns the whole on it's head and exposes the truth of the story...

*Heart*Emotional:
Having tried to think six ways through this thing, I realized I was over-thinking it. My initial reactions held true. I'm feeling a bleak world, one shining attempt at light, but the dark and dreary nature of man is overshadowing that one fragile yet eternal spark, but it will be there for all, even though none go with him.

*Right*Conclusion:
A good poem if an unconventional form. It's well done, but you knew that didn't you. With no technical errors that I see, the word choice is good, powerful and poignant, and the message (to me at least) is clear as day, well done.
See you on the next page.

DOC


Duke-CastleChaos
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21
21
Review of Writer's Block  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi emerin-liseli , *Bigsmile*

I'm reviewing this poem as part of my enrolment in "Invalid Item" 

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
By now you're probably aware that this poem is one of two that are assigned to week two's assignment. Having said that, I'm here to well... to give my two cents as it were. *Smile*

A Decastich (formerly an unknown in my books) on the issue/concept of writer's block, to me at least, this seems like a novel idea. I end up doing something similar when I sit down with Write-Or-Die and set a timer for 500 words and ten minutes... always get something out, often not what I'm aiming for however. The line "I think I'll chase in hot pursuit" seems to ring true to the feelings of the flow of words and inspiration coming back to me... I have to say that this line is probably my favorite in the whole of the poem.

*Checkg*Technical Aspects:
Ok, as stated, your rhyming scheme is set and works fairly well. The only real hitch is that because of my intonation, the last two lines gave me some trouble until I ran them four or five times... dialects and such, means that as I normally say these words, they don't actually rhyme, but when I shift my pronunciation slightly then they line up just right.

And as for the Iiambic tetrameter format, it's fairly consistent, and you've done a good job, holding true in nine of the ten lines, but the line that starts "a sudden diamond..." is problematic, the word "sudden" doesn't really hit as hard as the earlier lines, it's sort of wishey washey.

*Heart*Emotional Impact
Now, here's where I'm more confident, this is a well portrayed problem set up and the hunt, elusive for most, is pinned here, leaving the reader with a sense of motion, movement. But with no real destination, we as readers are brought up out of the emotional ambivalence where we started, heading for a resolution of sorts, much like a revolutionary party overthrowing the government, they're left with a void into which they can now pour all their dreams and ambitions, but what are they going to do now.

I think this is a good aspect of the poem, don't get me wrong here. Being left with a vague dissatisfaction concerning the resolutions, but with a clear sense of value and power, is a good thing for a writer to intend to impart... Well done.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Two lines and only two lines give me trouble in this poem, and for different reasons.

First, as mentioned, the use of the word "sudden" just feels out of place, but having tried, I have no idea what might be put there to make the line work differently or just as effectively.

Secondly, the line "to write! Indeed, ..." feels out of place. The hard stop, with emphasis, in the middle of the line like that really tosses me out of the emotional web being spun, so I had to re-read the piece several times with that moment glossed over so that I wouldn't get stuck on it.

*Right*Conclusion:
Quick, to the point, raises concepts rather than preaching solutions, all in all a good piece. Thanks for sharing this and allowing us amateurs to attempt to pick it apart.

DOC

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22
22
Review of Candy Makes Quiet  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi xxxwednesdayxxx, *Bigsmile*

I'm reviewing this piece as part of my enrollment in "Invalid Item"  (also because I like to read the daily cramp entries when I can)*Laugh*

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*Impression:
See now I looked at this prompt and just couldn't figure out how to wrap a story around the required items. I honestly never would have come up with this take on it however. This was delightful, and I can totally empathize with the content herein. I've often been in such situations (haven't we all, once we get out into the world on our own) and at such times I can only smile and remember the trouble I have with my own kids as I try to get from place to place. Often, instead of candy I end up telling stories to other peoples kids, but such is life. *Smile*
The poem as a whole comes through loaded with maturity mixed with fun. The fact that you've managed to get it down in the time frame for a cramp entry is even more impressive. Well done.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
I noticed that you were keeping to a four line form, with the second and fourth line rhyming, which you've done well throughout. In reading this out loud however, (I do that to "look" at the pacing) it comes across as a little hard to follow. The syllables range in length beyond the "easy to compress or expand" point. Case in point, the second last paragraph has a second line with six syllables, while line four has nine syllables. It's not a major issue, but it does make for trippy reading (kinda sorta, y'know?).

*Right*Conclusion:
As I opened with, this was a fun piece to read. The story came across cleanly within the poetic structure, and the fact that I could easily relate to the content just made it that much better.


DOC

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23
23
Review of Forgive me God!  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi again jaya , *Bigsmile*

Here's another review from Showering Acts of Joy

These are just my two cents, please remember that, and feel free to disagree, no harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Either I'm picking them oddly, or you just don't seem to write easy topics. This is another one that took guts to address directly. And with that opening, my first impression of this story is that it's incomplete, or the beginning of a much fuller story of healing and growth...

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Again, you've crystallized the whole of the story into a single viewpoint, while still remaining in third person and giving a full world view to the readers. I like how you've not shied away from the sensitive subject matter. Unlike so many who gloss over the hard parts you've met the pain head on so to speak, and it really gives value to the story. Secondly, an uncompromising look at the internal turmoil is often a hard thing to portray, but again it felt real enough to have come from personal experience here. Well done.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
This story has less of the vivid descriptors of environment than other pieces of your work. Not a bad thing, but the environment feels like it's missing. As I'm reading this it comes across as a grey void of a space that the protagonist works in. (Unless that was the point?)
The only other suggestion I have is to watch for jump scenes. We go from evening to middle of the night, and the jump from her withering away inside to her jumping up from a nightmare in bed is a little of a jump. The disconnected points in the story (that was just the biggest one) are a little hard to follow.

*Right*Conclusion:
A well done story. The missing half a star from 4.5 to five was all about the unanticipated jumps. Well done otherwise.

DOC

Duke-CastleChaos
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24
24
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Trofimov

I noticed this from the "read a newbie" frame on the left of the website here, and just had to check it out. I've reviewed and commented here, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree then no harm done, writing is art, and quality is subjective. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Farmers. I have the greatest respect for farmers. I've been one for more than half of my life, until I took up accounting, and knowing the quality and source of one's life giving food is paramount to having a direct line to God. (odd sentiment, I know, but there it is). This was a good poem? Not sure where to classify what you wrote, but the sentiments are solid regardless.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
You've skipped over the personification point entirely here, it's all in first person and rather than wasting words on detailing who this person is, we're put directly into the sentiments of the story.
Secondly, I really like how you've wrapped the whole essence of life and death into the narrative, it was poignant and effective.

I suspect this is free-form? I really don't know poetic forms (there's a course coming up I should try to get into), so I can't actually suggest much of anything at this point. The primal emotional impact that you've evoked, reminding me of the days back when I was the one with my hands in the soil...

*Right*Conclusion:
Keep up the good writing, the emotions you tap into are primal and powerful with this piece. Take care and I'll catch you on the next page.


Duke-CastleChaos
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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
One Review at a Time
"Invalid Item" 

https://danielocasey.wordpress.com
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25
25
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,
The third reading, the second installment, apologies and disclaimers again, these are just my thoughts, no harm done if you disagree. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
You've hit on a consistent style of writing for this series, I can see it coming out as a weekly installment if you were so inclined. I'd be one who'd cheerfully visit a blog to read a quick short story in this series. The narrative style you use is refreshingly different, and allows the reader to slip the bonds of the everyday.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Ryan is developed more fully in this one. Even from a blank slate I was able to read more in the character development you've put here.
Second, I really enjoyed both the pacing and the changing focus used, it helped to keep the piece fresh for me as a reader. No longer was I reading a listing of events while getting a ride in the protagonists head, now we are experiencing a life lived by the protagonist. Thoroughly enjoyed that.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Three things to address in this piece.
1- For the most part the dialog sounds fine, but there are lines that seem just too formal or stolid to work in the setting you've evoked for the reader. Estelle's lines seemed to come out less believable than any other's here.
2- This is a structure thing. The ending felt forced. It worked, but it felt like there should be about 500 more words used to make it smoother. The deception, the cover story, it all just hit me too fast and high to really impact on an emotional level, so I was pushed back from the story a little.
3- There's a couple of scene breaks missing, one towards the end, and maybe some more, I'd have to re-read the piece with an eye to the missing switches.

*Right*Conclusion:
What I said earlier, about this sounding like a good weekly thing. It's a good premise and a solid character you've created here. If there were more installments I would certainly read them (probably in the right order this time), and while I might not comment much on each piece in depth, anything that seemed not quite on I would be more than happy to relate to you as the writer, without bias of course.

Duke-CastleChaos
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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
One Review at a Time
"Invalid Item" 

https://danielocasey.wordpress.com
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