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26
26
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH

Sorry it took so long to get back to these, but such is life, more crazy than busy. As usual, please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree, then no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Ok, now this is a better place to start the story, i'll give you that. The total impression of this piece is that it's the start or hook of a larger story. You've done a wonderful job of creating a gritty feeling world. I loved it. The visceral impact of the world you've created is just impressive.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
As I mentioned, this piece in addition to being a good world-build, creates a sense of the whole world that's involved. You've brought into play the social interactions levels, the interpersonal relationships. Lou himself is a fairly well rounded (if somewhat shallow at this point) character, and the whole world has the same feel as any of the dime-novels of the genre and era. (that's a complement, I liked those dime novels.


*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one real suggestion here, you've done such a great job of pacing this as a quick short story, with some good development and depth, but the ending kinda runs itself short.
The final two paragraphs wrap up well, but the four preceding them are just a little hurried and scattered. The flow got hard to follow. I found myself reading the same four paragraphs several times to make it make sense...

*Right*Conclusion:
You've got a style and flair for this genre, and I'd have to say that I'd love to see a full length novel of Lou Ryan's escapades, a longer piece going more into depth, and character development on Gloria as well as some of the other more static or recurring characters. Good writing and a good story. I'lll go take a look at the next installment.

Cheers! *Coffeebl*

Duke-CastleChaos
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27
27
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi again Amay ,

Here's another review from Showering Acts of Joy
I'm happy to comment here, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*

Impressions
I cried. For all that I'm a 280 pound 30 something guy, I cried.This piece was beautiful. I can't understand why nobody's commented on your article, but then it's only been up here for a little while now. Thank you for this.

Good Points
You've encapsulated a message in this story, and then successfully hidden the true depth of the piece until the very end. The final line just finishes up the story, like a shiny bow on top of a present.
Additionally, I really enjoyed two other points. First, the way you have managed to encapsulate the message (and the whole story) using the opening and closing points of the Art Activity center, this provided a very good base and some well used continuity for the story.
Second, Uncle Frank. Without being too specific, everybody needs an Uncle Frank, he is a catalyst (real life or fiction) and it just makes things work so much better.

Suggestions
There is only one thing I can suggest here, and it's nebulous at best. Grammar and a short solid edit for the flow of the story. Occasionally there seems to be a word missing, and other points just feel awkward to read, the last line is one of these instances.

Conclusion
I so dearly wanted to give this a five star rating, but the grammar and such I mentioned just brings it back that slight bit. A truly moving story, it ct me to the quick and left me wishing that more people "got it," so thank you for sharing this with us.

Cheers! *Coffeebl*

Duke-CastleChaos
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28
28
Review of Santa's Mission  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Amay ,

Here's another review from Showering Acts of Joy
I'm happy to comment here, but please remember that these are just my opinions, if you disagree that's cool. No harm done. *Cool*

Impressions
This is sweet. I grinned as the end got near and when it finished, I was actually touched on an emotional level.
The writing of the story is straightforward, with just enough additional detail to draw me in as a reader.

Good Points
Short story? Character? Check! Conflict? Check! Resolution? Check! You've got it all in place in this piece. Additionally, the colorful commentary at the very outset helped immensely in allowing my to suspend disbelief and just drop into the story. Well played.

Suggestions
Only one thin stood out for me in this story. I could see the ending coming by the time he finished his talk with Ashley. If you could somehow shift the focus so that the reader doesn't connect that Sam is ex-Marine until the very end, then the story would be quite a bit more gratifying for me. It reads quite well as it is, it's just a little straight-forward for my tastes as it stands.

Conclusion
I love happy endings, and I'm a sucker for kids and Christmas wishes, thus this was a great story (according to me) and it does bring to the fore that ex-soldiers never really leave it all behind and return home. Somewhere it's always a part of them, no matter what they end up doing back home. Thank you for sharing this one.


Cheers! *Coffeebl*

Duke-CastleChaos
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29
29
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, Nikola~Living the Dog Mom Life

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
I am pleased to offer my insight on this piece, but please remember that these are just my thoughts. Writing is an art unto itself, thus if anything I say contrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my thoughts, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Apparently I'm either sadistic or masochistic, given that I'm a guy, and yet I still found myself laughing in delight at the vindictive and devious punishment. Make of that what you will. This is a well written piece of fiction, and indeed, you did take the prompt and go in an unexpected direction with it. Good for you. *Bigsmile*

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Noted, this is short fiction, but still you have managed to insert two real characters, a conflict, and a resolution as well as tying up the loose ends.
The little shop around the corner... Yes our town has one, and my wife spends way too much time browsing there... (cringe)
There wasn't an excess of depth, allowing the writing to float across my consciousness like a piece of candy, (brain candy?)
One final point for this section, the appropriate use of double meanings and second level jokes, "Nutcracker Pony" and such, well played.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only a couple of things here. First, I know this is a fantasy piece, and that it had to be short, but there's just a little too much "hand of God" interference happening, I attributed it to "magic" until the final bit about Colton and the necklace.
Second, there were just a couple of points where you've missed punctuation and grammar slips.
The first one I noticed was this line:
The necklace says that it wants to be with you. There is something else here you yet seek."
Missing the opening quotes.

*Right*Conclusion:
I liked this story. As I mentioned earlier, it was brain candy, and enjoyable at that. Keeping it short, and making it work, you've done well here given the nature of the prompt and where you went with it.
The only thing I might have done differently would be to add some depth to the middle of the story, make it stretch out just a little, let him have more rope to hang himself with as it were. But then again, maybe I am a sadist at heart...

Cheers *Coffeebl*

Duke-CastleChaos
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https://danielocasey.wordpress.com
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30
30
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,
This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
I am pleased to offer my insight on this piece, but please remember that these are just my thoughts. Writing is an art unto itself, thus if anything I say contrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my thoughts, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
My honest first impression is "Yes! Something longer than 2000 words to read." Followed closely by "Thirties, Chicago, Al Capone, dark... yes, grim and dark with flashes of light...."
But enough of peering into my cranium, here's the coherent version of things.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Characterization is phenomenal, you've picked up some solid stereotypes, but then you went further and game them depth. It's great. By the end of this piece I feel like I know the two main and two sub-characters well enough to guess what they do next.
Additionally, hinting at the larger unspoken emotions behind the characters (like how he's "enjoying the view as he wakes up") and her eager acceptance of the new sleeping arrangements... it's this kind of hinting that keeps a reader strung along, and you've done well in this piece. I really enjoyed it.
The straight-forward plot with the little twitches that you've thrown in make for a fast and easy read, without being boring or predictable. I think you did very good over-all on the story as a whole.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
A couple of suggestions here.
1- check for missing scene breaks. Alternatively, cue the reader so that we know there is a break in time, three line spaces followed by "A couple of hours later when I got back to the office..." kind of thing. There were four or five points where I really had to re-read the segment to make it make sense, mentally putting the breaks in so that I could continue.
2- the focus goes out towards the end, and the whole story kind of wraps up with a descriptive ending rather than the more satisfying "experienced feeling" ending. Time and word count permitting, you might want to tail this out just a little more, or even just remove the unnecessary information so that the feelings come through more effectively.

*Right*Conclusion:
All in all, an enjoyable quick little read. Less detective and more straight-forward narrative story than I'm often looking for, but gratifying nonetheless. I'm going to have to go back and read the other two in this set as well.

Cheers! *Coffeebl*

Duke-CastleChaos
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31
31
Review of Reality Check 1  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi hbalmerca

First, these are just my thoughts. If you disagree then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

A random Review because I felt like it *Bigsmile*

Linked to this from the for Author's newsletter. The title just caught my eye. Go figure, today's world is nuts. Anyhow, you have summed up here what I keep trying to tell people (and myself) time and again.

It goes along nicely with the "pick your fights" theorem of personal interaction, and the "what's this gonna cost me for what I get" question that people seem to forget all the time.
Picking a fight to let off steam is frustrating, we've all done it, (well, I have) and then when I stumbled across this If at some point later on in life I get a moment, maybe I'll expand on this and work up my own Reality Checklist, as well as a quick little manual on how to get to the Check Stage.

As for your piece here, it's short and to the point, and while it's not really a "made me smile" kind of thing, there is a positive energy that comes through in the writing. It's real, and doesn't shy away from the negative, just puts it back in perspective. I liked that.
Thank you.

Cheers. *Coffeebl*


DOC
Duke-CastleChaos
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32
32
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Rose Praying for Peace

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Please remember that these are just my thoughts, feel free to disregard should any of this conflict with your own feelings, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
As I was reading this story, my emotional response tossed be back and forth. It went from feeling like a sit-com to a drama, finally swinging through an action piece and settling once again into family comedy.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
The way you've strung us along as to what's happening was great, I mean for me it was really good. There was a tangible sense of the chaotic that nobody admits to but everybody with more than one child will experience, at least daily. Aside from that, I am going to have to guess that you either have children of the right age or are very close to someone who does, because the mannerisms and the way you've presented the whole situation was great. Not once did I feel that this came across as un-realistic.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only two points. Both personal impressions, sorry about that. First, the conversations sound forced in some spots. Like the dialog between mother and daughter at the beginning. Second, I haven't done a line edit of this piece so I can't say for sure, but a good number of the sentences you've got here feel overburdened. It's like you've crammed too much into a sentence on occasion. For example "They approached the porch in some standard formation or another and placed a leaded bucket-like apparatus over the box. " is a little much, try removing some of the excessive or redundant descriptions. I could be wrong, and I do tend to try to write lean, but this feels awkward the way it's sitting, so I thought I'd mention it.

*Right*Conclusion:
Fun, Funny and it made me laugh because I've been in situations just as bizarre as this one. Losing a group of thirteen year olds who turned up at mall security because of a misunderstanding on a class field trip comes to mind.

Cheers.


Duke-CastleChaos
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33
33
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Hi again Beck Firing back up!

One more review from Showering Acts of Joy.

hbar asked somebody else to look at this one as well. So here I am. I hope you find any suggestions helpful, but please remember that these are just my thoughts, if you disagree, then no worries. *Cool*

*Reading*Impression:
This feels like the start of a much larger story. If not for the philosophical metaphor at the end (Grandfather's last words) then I could easily see this story going in one of many directions. Is it a mystery, she tries to find him the next day only to find out he was killed for the money she gave him? Is it a romance of redemption and valor? Is it an urban fantasy whereby he was the pawn of larger powers that left him discarded in the alley when they were done with him...? Flack back to his history on how he got there, build forward on what happens next? Oh my there's so much that a writer could work with here. As a stand alone story it really works the point well, and leaves the reader with a solid statement, which when placed against the backdrop of the first half of the story, and brought home solidly with the character of Doug, the message really shines.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Aside from a general sense of unease as I read through it (I'm a very visual reader, and you've painted some compelling pictures here), anyhow, aside from that, the only real suggestions I can come up with are related to character consistency and sentence structure. There are a couple of points where it seems that you've accidentally omitted or substituted a word, for example "large enough to do terrible damage to me. " is really kinda over stated. How about large enough to hurt me."
Additionally, why didn't she just call a cab? And after recognizing the guy, how many women would be running in the other when there were no bad memories to prompt that reaction?
That's about it.

*Right*Conclusion:
A good moral story, and well played using the characters you've got lined up. Only a couple of small points,thus the 4.5. Keep up the good writing.

Cheers!

Duke-CastleChaos
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34
34
Review of A strange present  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi mela

First, these are just my thoughts. If you disagree then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
I had to see what the only other entry was in The Cramp today, and once I'd finished reading it...
Well, you deserved the win, congratulations. This story is precious. My spirit soared when I read it through.
Having said that however, here's a breakdown of sorts.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
The way you've detailed the guy's innocence as to what a pregnancy test is and looks like, and fully created a good picture of a bachelor in the prime of his life. Additionally you have managed to create what feels like a "real" situation in the apartment block.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
This is a Daily contest, so there's not much time. Goodness I knows that... especially with three toddling boys myself. Having said that, there's a couple of points that will make this piece flow smoother for your readers.
"His perfect bachelor life was ruined." There really needs to be a scene break after this. The disconnect threw me right off stride.
Second, take a good hard look at both the comma usage and the sentence presentation. I didn't run across anything specifically wrong (I can't line edit to save my life) but the presentation comes across more clipped and pointed than I was comfortable with. If it's saying what you want it to say then cool, but if not you might want to assess the emotional impact of the presentation as well as the message.

*Right*Conclusion:
With three underfoot and another on the way, this story touched me in way's that I cannot right now find words for.
Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us.

DOC
Duke-CastleChaos
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35
35
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Jeff

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.

Lots of big names up on the board, hi. *Smile* All the usual disclaimers apply, if you disagree with what I'm thinking, well then it just goes to show that we're all different. No harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Reading this I was instantly reminded of the Douglas Adams six book trilogy. It reads the same, and it feels the same. That's a compliment. I re-read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at least every couple of years, just because it's that good. Now I have to forward this item to several people who'd love to read it.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Doug. Oh, and the comments made in the First Impressions area.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Couple of points here.
"Welcome to World Builders, LLC... an outsourcing" this should be " ..., LLC., an outsourcing" note the period and then the comma after the LLC. Unless I'm wrong, this is how we do it with company's when referring to them in professional letters as accountants.
The middle of the third last paragraph is wrong. I can't figure out what to do to fix it, but the line "...signing, at which point the money and all right" just doesn't seem right.

*Right*Conclusion:
I'm still chuckling. This item was a riot to read, and the feel is just so esoteric that Douglas Adams does come to mind. Well written, great premise, and I'm so glad I got a chance to read this.

Duke-CastleChaos
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36
36
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Angel

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Please remember that these are just my thoughts. Writing is an art, thus if anything I say contrasts with what you feel then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
This an intense piece, powerful imagery and really high emotions lend an urgency to the writing that is often not seen such short pieces. But apart from that I'm kinda left in the dark on some big parts of it.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Imagery and emotional content are better that what I write. You've created an intense tangible scene here and I can feel the urgency that pushes everything through to the end. Harness that style and use it and you'll get readers that act like fans of your writing. You show a quick and effective style of hook here, and it almost always works.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
"There closer!!!!!!!!!!" should be "They're closer!" different word, one exclamation mark. Polishing up these kind of points makes your writing stand out, brings it up to the professional standards that any buyers or editors are going to be looking for.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
More like questions.
1- Why are the kids running, and why does the protagonist have to find his father?
2- What is chasing them?
3- Why is the sister turning into one of the big black things herself?

Just loose ends, and the grammar polishing. That'd do it.

*Right*Conclusion:
A compelling short story. I know the word count is important to this contest; I even try to enter it myself, but I never seem to do very well. But work more on the story and less on the adjectives in this story, that will give it more reach and depth. Word choice is critical. You've done really well with the descriptives, but the loose ends make it fall apart for me, I am left with to many questions...
I look forward to reading other short stories you write, the emotional content alone makes the read worth it, well done.

Duke-CastleChaos
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37
37
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
First, these are just my thoughts. If you disagree then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Morality vs. the Practical Viewpoint. It's funny that I've had very much similar mental conversations with myself about seemingly innocuous things in life.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
I'm not sure if this was set up as an introspective assessment of today's society or not, but the way you've build up the situation, creating the setting, escalating the issue, then ultimately resolving it in a manner that the reader will be able to appreciate. This was well done, and well played.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one. Sentence structure is somewhat long-winded. You've gotten dangerously close to run-on sentences in a couple of spots. Multiple comma breaks in a single sentence make it harder to read smoothly.

*Right*Conclusion:
It's quick, fast and I enjoyed reading this. Truly it made a light but tangible emotional impact as I read the last line, thanks for that.




DOC
Duke-CastleChaos
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38
38
Review of Kiss Me Goodbye  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi very thankful ,

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
First the technical stuff. I'm not an editor, so anything I say is just commentary, suggestion set in a panel of mists, ephemeral. If you don't agree, then fell free to ignore what I say. No harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Well, I was afraid to try to comment and review a poem, but the title of this one caught my eye so I had to... and because I can still remember my father's hand going limp as he succumbed to the poison of cancer, I had to see what you wrote... It's good.

*Checkg*Technical:
The matching lines are a good technique, is it a formal one? I've seen this format used so often that I have to assume that it is.
Oh, and of the five parts, the middle one, the third, feels like the best.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't find any that bear mentioning.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
How can I suggest something to change about a poem? If anything, I'd question some of the syllabic arrangements of the lines you have here, but that's only because it's not lining up for me. Could be just that my way of speaking is off...? maybe?

*Right*Conclusion:
Not much to comment on overall, but I do have to highlight the final part, the final four lines, this was amazing. Thanks.

Duke-CastleChaos
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39
39
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi again Maryann

Another review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Let me start by saying that I really can't write poetry. I enjoy reading it the way a person will enjoy a good bottle of wine, when they can't tell a vintage from a current production run. Thus, this is all just my impressions.
*Cool*

Now, I love space. The idea of space, the romantic notion that one day we'll get to the stars, and so on and so on. I've been reading sci-fi since before I could understand what Science Fiction really was.
I also have a hammock strung up in the back yard (for spring to fall) in which I go and just watch the celestial ballet. So now you know why I chose this poem.

I think I can see the format you're using here, and it's fairly good. Rhyming the four lines of each part works well, and the pacing lends itself to a sing-song recitation. The first four lines (stanza?) is just about spot on but I have trouble getting the third line out without stumbling over it. I'd probably replace the word "magnitude" with "scope" to smooth out the flow.

The second part is a little lumpier, but I really can't figure out what to suggest to make it work better. The imagery is there, the majesty is referenced, and the startling vividness comes through, but the wording is just a little hard to flow correctly when I recite it out loud...

Overall I'm really liking this poem however, and the next time I sit out back and watch the stars, it's likely to be with this poem in my head.

Duke-CastleChaos
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40
40
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Maryann

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.

I'm a sucker for a quick science-fiction read. Thus I read the whole story...
Please remember that if anything I say contrasts with your instincts, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
It's a quick and lightly written story. The individual components are almost too simple but as a whole it works really well together. I read the whole of the story, then I came back to the listings folder and realized it'd been posted for somewhere near eight years at this point, so I now ask myself if this is a little overdue, but such is life hey?

*Checkg*The Good Points:
As a whole story it hangs together well, very well. The writing is somewhat more straightforward than I'm usually comfortable with but it is consistent and relevant so that makes it work better than anticipated. Aside from that, the way you've wrapped up the ending with flash forwards to the other two main characters, Alisza and Lani, to show us how the whole thing turns out, it just wraps the story up in a gib metaphorical bow, leaving this reader smiling at the conclusion.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only a couple here. In the first chapter, the transition between the exposition at the beginning and the dialog with Alisza was a little abrupt. I'm not sure but in hindsight it seems to have been intentionally written this way. If so, fair enough, if not then a small transitional softening would help.

Additionally, there are other scenes that have the same problem throughout the story, but again it's not critical or even evident if it was intentional or not.

Finally, the one thing that bugs me the most is that in the future Lani still has a museum? If you're changing basic fundamental situations (keep them out of science) then how does it follow that the rest of their choices throughout the ages will end up with her having a museum? She _might_ have made such choices, but it's by no means assured. Just my 2 cents.

*Right*Conclusion:
This was cute. I'd prefer it if it was in a single item link, but I realize that I'm in the minority. Longer cohesive pieces are easier for me to follow than short segments of pieces.
Thanks for sharing this (several years ago *Blush*) it was a good read, and when I'm looking through a port the label science fiction will do it every time.
Cheers.

Duke-CastleChaos
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41
41
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Howard Marcus

*Reading*First Impression:
I'm not sure whether to simply discuss your concepts or try to evaluate the item as such... Let's flip a coin... ok, heads. So I talk rather than evaluate.

So, having wiped out the bulk of my review template, here goes.

Novel, first novel in a single year? That's not a bad idea, and one I can wholly get behind and support.

First, Learn to write on the fly, taking courses so that you're ready to start writing is, well, it's silly. It really is. Either your able to learn the craft by practicing, or not. If not then some editor somewhere will tell you so.

I'm going to have to go read your blog now. You actually wrote a review for each movie, that's awesome. I could never do such a thing. Writing a blog entry each day is easy enough for me, (see the link at the end of the review) but to keep it focused, I can't even keep blog posts focused within themselves.

The fact that you've managed to create actual word counts that add up to something. Its amazing to see what we can accomplish day by day when we just keep at it. I'll look forward to the novel as it comes out, I'm trying the same thing, but I'm not so good at consistency.... *sigh* it's the other wordpress blog at the bottom of this, in my signature.

Cheers,
DOC
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi intuey

Please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
The initial premise of the story comes out clearly in the beginning. You've created some very good and moving conflict that kept me reading until the end. I like that.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
First person, consistently applied, no slips. *Bigsmile*
Characterization is somewhat deep for the main protagonist, as a reader I've been in stranger heads that were less well done and it just made my skin crawl. This one didn't do that. It's a fine line between crazy/obsessive and crazy/lunatic. I think you've held to that line well, mostly. (again, it's a tricky line and people all interpret this in their own way).

*Checkg*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't notice any significant errors in a quick read. If I had to make one point, the comma use seems off, but I'm not really sure about it. It just seems that you've broken separate clauses of a sentence up using commas rather than restructuring to make the words flow... Know what I mean?

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Truthfully, the whole story worked fairly well, until two things caught me out of sequence.
1- In a normal world a kidnapped boyfriend would have likely not bothered to kill her after tying her up. This just blew me out of the story. Tied and left I can see, tied and turned over to police with charges laid I can see... tied up and thrown into a lake...? Little bit far for my sensibilities.
2- The switch in the protagonists focus at the very end. She started out as an obsessive coercive character, then to cut his brake lines at the very end in an act of ... what? Granted, crazy is a bad state to evaluate the reasonableness of actions from, but it still sits just a little off.

*Right*Conclusion:
You've written a very fast paced story that draws the reader along, with good timing and structure. As I said, I was compelled to read to the end, even after I figured out that this was an 'odd' story. The only things that didn't stand up for me were the two points mentioned above. Well written and take care.

DOC
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43
43
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Redtowrite

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Thank-you for allowing me to read your work, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. If anything I say contrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
The title of this piece caught my eye, so I did a second take. I was hesitant to read this based on the darker notes in the description, as it's late and I was looking for something upbeat to read. But then I noticed it had no reviews of yet, and that there was just "something" about it that made me start reading. I'm glad I did. The whole of the story is somewhat dark, not bad, just dark. The positive notes wound through it however make the read well worth my time.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Three things I have to mention here. First, characterization. You've made a whole real live human here, I understand his source, his drives, his pain, and I felt his remorse and redemption... the woodcarving was a really good touch.
Second, you've manged to weave positive notes throughout the whole of the story, I never once felt let down by the tone of the writing you've put together here, well played.
Third, and this one is trickier than most people believe, but you've got a whole story here in only 2100 words. There's a defined beginning middle and end, and the conflict is resolved by the end of the tale. Again, well played.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Aside from maybe putting in an explanation for the blurb at the end I'm having trouble coming up with a good suggestion. The only thing I'd really like to see altered, and it's by no mean's critical, just my own bias, is the part where Lee is sliding down the path to hell. You've gone from "the good guy who's just working it out" to "the hell bent junkie" is about four short paragraphs, I'd personally be reworking this to smooth out the transition, to me it felt a little blocky and hard to follow.

*Right*Conclusion:
A good story, congratulations on the nomination to the Quill, and I truly enjoyed the story here. How you've woven the redemption and positive notes into such a bleak story is very well done.

Duke-CastleChaos
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44
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Thimpin

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.

I know I've left comments on some of of the individual chapters for you already, but for the Showering Acts of Joy I opted to review the whole folder as a single piece, hope that's alright.

And again, these are just my thoughts, if you disagree please just disregard. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
As a whole story, this is priceless. You've tapped into the inner child we all were at one point. I certainly remember exploring the magical caves in the hill out back of my house... There were trolls in my caves, some good, some not so good. This story made me remember the troll hill I used to have to defend against and protect my family from.... For allowing me to recover such a priceless piece of my own childhood, thank-you.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
The tone, overall, I'd have to go with the completeness of the story and the tone you tell it in. Thimpin could be any one of us small boys. You've kept this story simple, one excursion, one conflict, and one major premise. This is good, I've seen many shorts, lyrical or not, that try to pack too much into the story, this one came out just about right. It would have been easier to read all through without stopping to make comments but such is the way I read.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't really notice any, but I wasn't actually reading it to try to find punctuation errors.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Umm.. aside from a couple of sticky phrasing errors made on the way through, like the line about "the most stubborn rock of the day" in the first chapter, I can't make a whole lot of suggestions, it 's a well done short story with a fun undertone. So, my suggestion, polish out some of the trickier phrasing points and call it a day. If you want I can go over it again and give you (in private e-mail of course) the points I felt had trouble like that.

*Right*Conclusion:
I'm still going to go with the "You should get this turned into a young person's novel, the tone carries it well and the story is delightful. As for self publishing I don't know if it's a good idea, but I really don't know anything about self-publishing. Regarding the story itself, it can teach young kids to follow their dreams and their imagination wherever it may lead them.
Thank-you for sharing this with us. I am a better person for reading it. I remembered what it was to dream and to believe, something I lost as I grew up.

Duke-CastleChaos
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45
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again Thimpin

Again, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
I love the depth you've imparted to the character Bromyn. The first few chapters we're given a description but not much more. By this point in the story Bromyn comes through as much larger and older than Thimpin, somehow.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
None at all.

*Right*Conclusion:
Nothing new to add as a conclusion, it's short, quick and to the point. Off to read the last few installments.

DOC
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46
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again Thimpin

Again, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
You've moved the story along well in this one, but I am not sure that this feels like a full chapter, I might have run the fight with a spider into this one and stopped at the next point. But then again, stopping where you did means that I'll certainly be reading on... so maybe it's a good thing.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
None at all, the imagery was vivid here, and the situation called for quick short lines which is exactly what you've done.

*Right*Conclusion:
Nothing new to add as a conclusion, it's short, quick and to the point. Off to read the last few installments.

DOC
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47
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi again Thimpin

First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*Impression:
And the story continues, one more step along the path as it were. Delightful, a twist is solved, but another is added, and then you've placed him in mortal peril, always a good hook.. I like this.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one, in that the rhythm is a little awkward, but I've tried to figure out how I'd have written it differently, and I can't so I guess this is not a suggestion as such.


*Right*Conclusion:
I'm actually wondering if you might be able to find (or even just be) an artist, put this rhyming measure to pictures, and then it'd be a great book, I know my five and six year old boys would love it.
The writing style is just perfect for younger readers, with the short statements in poetic and rhythmic format, they'd be enthralled... off to read part 3

DOC
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48
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Thimpin

Thanks for putting your work up for us to read. I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if you disagree with me then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Fun. Yep, that's my first impression, a little boy up to his usual energetic activities, having fun, then things went sideways. I'm intrigued now, I want to know what's being set up with the hitting of the rock.... I'll keep this short and put up a comprehensive review of the whole story later.


*Pencil*Suggestions:
This line feels like it should be split in two.
"All morning long he picked and lifted and carried but the last rock was a hard one."
And this one is sticky in reading it back smoothly,
"and was the most stubborn rock of the day" it almost feels like it should read "and was the most stubborn that day"

*Right*Conclusion:
Not saying it's wrong, really not saying that, just pointing out where my sensibilities got tripped up in reading this one back. It's a marvelous piece, and I'm off to read the rest of the installments now.

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Review by Duke-CastleChaos
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Sum1

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.

Thank-you for sharing this item with us, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. If you disagree, please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
This story left me chuckling. It really did. The story itself was well put together but felt a little long for my tastes. I tend to write lean, with less introspection on things than you've given here, so naturally I feel that there was just a shade too much talking in his head.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
You've certainly developed quite a comprehensive characterization here. The protagonist's motives and rationalizations were all well done and I could follow things without even trying.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Nothing jumped out at me, and to be honest, I'm tired so anything I might find would be suspect anyhow.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Just a couple. First, as I mentioned earlier I would like to see the inner dialog trimmed down a little bit, or maybe even the scope and reach expanded so that the existing dialog feels like it's almost not quite enough.
Second, phrasing like this "He played a small game with himself, guessing at her measurements, and knew if he ever had the chance, he’d have to find out if he was right. " These type of structured phrases tend to confuse faster readers, and even ones like myself often have to re-read a part or two. Smoothing out the transitions without so many clauses in a given sentence will really enhance the readers value in the story.

*Right*Conclusion:
Man, I loved the ending, where he confesses to the wrong crime, and that at the beginning we were told he felt like he was being stalked, but it turns out that the woman was reporting him as having stalked her, so naturally I go back and read the whole thing a second time and that time I see where you put the switch in, how he's not following her every chance he gets....
Silly boy, he got messed up.
Good writing, poetry may be your strength but you've shown that you can do stories as well.

Dan Casey

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50
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Sum1

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Thank-you for allowing me to read your work, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything I saycontrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
The reference to a boat. That's what dragged me in... I'm a sucker for a good tale involving a boat. As for the poem/story itself, it felt like a large chewy caramel oatmeal raisin cookie. It's not fluff and filler, but it's kinda big as a quick treat. I liked this poem, I really did.

I've had the kinds of arguments you're alluding to in this poem, many times with current and past wife, and taking off.... well, yeah. You've nailed the sensations well, I'm not sure if the boat and the ocean were a good metaphor or a real experience with surreal components, but either way the story works as it stands..

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Even though you only had a few lines to work with, you've shown good progression of the stages one goes through in the moments and minutes after a good fight, when you're angry, self-righteous, cooling down, worried, second-guessing, etc... Oh, and the vivid elusive imagery you've used, quite the pictures were painted inside my skull.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
All I can see that might be wrong here is the use of periods. They were few and far between. I'd have used quite a few more than that myself, bluntly breaking things up into their component statements.. The rhyming couplets will hold the flow together even after periods are put in place.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
"Helpless in the power of the storm, tossed to and fro from peak to peak
He knew his life was nothing in the storm; its outlook was pretty bleak?|"
Twice in as many lines you've used the phrase "the storm," now I don't know about other's but this really blows me right out of my reading groove, it's like stepping in a gopher hold when walking through a field. Often it really doesn't matter, but to the feel of the thing it just changes everything. Just a little rephrasing or reworking would smoothing the whole thing out and it'd be all better.

*Right*Conclusion:
A good solid poem, and you're really quite good at this kind of thing. I enjoyed reading it despite having no real feel for poetry.


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