A interesting premise, and a very good execution of that concept. I liked this piece. I liked it a lot. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that I'd like to bring to your attention:
Here:
The now politically incorrect terminology for this disorder is manic-depression.
I would revise to:
now politically-incorrect terminology
(I simply inserted a hyphen in "politically-incorrect")
And here:
So during the manic sitauation...
situation; appears to be a typo.
And here:
(reference, Into the Fire, by Kay Redfield Jamison)
I believe that is Touched With Fire: Manic Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. Great book. Have you read An Unquiet Mind?
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
concept. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
concept. I liked this story. I liked this story a lot. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that I'd like to bring to your attention:
Here:
“LOCAL MAN DIES IN MYSTERY FIRE. SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION???”
I would revise to:
Local man dies in mystery fire: Spontaneous human combustion???
Other than that minor cosmetic thing, I think you have the makings of a fine story here.
Good job.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
premise. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
premise. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
And I liked third person...
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A good premise, and a reasonable execution of that
premise. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that
I'd like to bring to your attention
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A good premise, and a very good execution of that
premise. This was written well. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that I'd like to bring to your attention:
Insert the indent tag at the beginning of all of your paragraphs. I first came across it when reviewing another writer's work. Consequently, I've converted all of my files. And it's not all that difficult, because the indent tag doesn't require a closing tag; simply copy the tag from ML help (under the Author's drop-down menu), and simply paste it to the beginning of your paragraphs. And don't take my word for it. Insert it to your first 2 or 3 paragraphs; I'm quite sure that you'll notice the difference.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A good premise, and a reasonable execution of that
premise. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
At least I can say that financially I have been ok, I can retire at fifty years old after all and not many can say that can they?
I would revise to:
At least I can say that financially, I have been okay. I can retire at fifty years old after all, and not many can say that, can they?
(I would insert a period after "financially", a period after "okay,"
and a comma after "that". I believe "okay" is more acceptable to "ok" in publisher's eyes)
In your title, I would revise to "Would Have Been Nice"... ALL CAPS are considered to be rather amateurish and has the connotation of a beginning writer.
Other that that, this is a good story.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A good premise, and a good execution of that
premise. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
“Where’s my stuff?” My sister asked. “Who’s is that?”
I would revise to:
“Where’s my stuff?” my sister asked. “Who’s is that?”
(In your version, it reads as three fragmented sentences. I feel the revision takes care of that. There are several instances of that throughout the iece. I'd tend to them if I were you.)
Other than that, you have a very well-written story.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A good premise, and a rgood execution of that
premise. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
Here:
"...and grassy beach, on the other – by the distant steel lace of port structures...
I would revise to:
...and grassy beach: on the other, by the distant steel lace of port structures...
(I would use a semi-colon after "beach", and instead of the dash, put a comma after other)
If you need assistance with opunctuation and usage issues, you might want to look here:
A good premise, and a reasonable execution of that
premise. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
In your story descriptions:
This is some of my stories..Take a look inside.
Umm, that would be These are some of my stories..
And here:
Can you find peace in a world of chaos..And how will that peace be bought
I would revise to:
Can you find peace in a world of chaos? And how will that peace be bought?
And here:
Story of a man's choice between taken what is his by bith or to fear it...
That would be:
what is his by birth or to fear it...
Hope that helped. I'd pay attention to your story decriptions... if a person spots an error there, it makes one that much likely to view your story..._
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A good premise, and a reasonable execution of that
premise. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A great premise, and a excellent execution of that
premise. Your grammar, punctuation, and pacing were spot on. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that I'd like to bring to your attention:
Here, in your last sentence:
And in that moment reserved for death, when it was least expected, the cumulative effects of the now forgotten well-laid plan, and the abandoned power of technology, and the ever so precious distance through the clearing in the woods, made themselves known for the very first time. The monster, still invisible in the darkness behind those two glowing lamps, shook the tree as it collapsed heavily onto the trunk below.
I would serious consider revising to something as such:
And in that moment reserved for death, when it was least expected, the cumulative effects of the now forgotten well-laid plan gone awry. The abandoned power of technology, and the ever-so-precious distance through the clearing in the woods, made themselves known for the very first time. The monster, still invisible in the darkness behind those two glowing lamps, shook the tree as it collapsed heavily onto the trunk below.
Your original sentence was dangerously nearing or exceeding run-on proportions. The ever-so-precious hyphenation was called for as well.
Very well-written, and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A good premise, and a reasonable execution of said
premise. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice
to insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word for it. Take your story's first four or five paragraphs,
and insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
A good premise, and a good execution of said
premise. That said, I have a very minor suggestions that I'd like to bring to your attention:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice
to insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word for it. Take your story's first four or five paragraphs,
and insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked difference in readability.
And I commend you on yuor use of the indent tag. Good job.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
“At the feast of ego, everyone goes hungry.”
A good premise, and a reasonable execution of said
premise. That said, I have a very minor suggestions that I'd like to bring to your attention:
It seems you missed a line break here:
The man on the other end of the phone laughed. “My name is a very popular name in my country. It is as common as the name of John in the United States. It is not an American name. It is spelled O-S-A-M-A,” he said politely.
“Well, Osama. I look forward to seeing you next Sunday, October 30, 1999. I look forward to meeting you to talk about how I can help your cousin learn English. Goodbye.” Susan smiled as she hung up the phone.
I liked this piece. It was a pleasant read.
A minor suggestion:
Insert the indent tag at the beginning of all of your paragraphs. I first came across it when reviewing another writer's work. Consequently, I've converted all of my files. And it's not all that difficult, because the indent tag doesn't
require a closing tag; simply copy the tag from ML help (under the Author's drop-down menu), and simply paste it to the beginning of your paragraphs. And don't take my word for it. Insert it to your first 2 or 3 paragraphs; I'm quite sure that you'll notice the difference.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."
A good premise, and a reasonable execution of said
premise. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions
that I'd like to bring to your attention:
In your story description:
This is not a typical romance story because it has a twist. It is more about growing uo.
(should be "growing up
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice
to insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word for it. Take your story's first four or five paragraphs,
and insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
“At the feast of ego. everyone goes hungry.”
A good premise, and a very good execution of said
concept. That said, I have a very minor suggestion that I'd like to bring to your attention:
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice
to insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take
my word for it. Take your story's first four or five
paragraphs, and insert a space after each one. I think
you'll notice a marked difference in readability.
A good premise, and a very good execution of said
concept. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions
that I'd like to bring to your attention:
Here:
I actually had two awesome friends and the other one, Ed, would have given a far better toast as best man, but he was an usher instead because I knew how much the honor would mean to Brian.
A year later my son was born and Brian was his godfather.
I think you meant to have that last sentence follow "...to Brian". Such as:
"...but he was an usher instead because I knew how much the honor would mean to Brian. A year later my son was born and Brian was his godfather."
And here:
I've yet to stop morning and wonder if I ever will.
That would be mourning...
Good writing.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
“At the feat of ego. everyone goes hungry.”
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