Great piece! Good concept, excellent execution! (and II really don't say that very often, I assure you)
I really have mothing to offer you in relation to improving it... Wait! Perhaps I have one very minor suggestion.
Are you familiar with the WritingML tool? I wasn't much at all familiar with it either... until I reviewing another writer's piece. His piece utilized indentation. It made the piece that much better. I've since used the indent tag om all of my stuff, including a 24,000 odd word piece. It makes a difference, I can tell you. It gives your piece that much more of a professional look.
Tell you what. Try it with this piece. Indent the first portion, and leave the other half alone. See for yourself which looks better.
And I must say... you sure do have a handle on melodrama. Good job.
Au revoir,
Danny
{Look in the drop-down menu for WritingML help.)
I was always told that periods, question marks, and exclamation were to be followed by two spaces, while a comma is followed by only one space. It's merely a readability thing. Just take a sampple paragraph and try it. It works, I assure you.
I found a few very minor errors:
His parents were supposed to have met him by now—where were they?
There is supposed to be a space before and after the placement of a hypen. Another readabilty thing. Looks much less crowded.
If you need help with proper punctuation and grammar, you might want to look here:
Naaw... it was still a very good story, but there are a few minor things that I will bring to your attention. We may as well start at the beginning.
Frank was my old coke dealer, and as far as coke dealers go, he was a pretty decent guy.
Okay, let me fill you in. I belong to this other writers' site, and they are pretty much "hardass" in comparison with this site. They are real big on letting you know about the repetition of words, especially in a short span. Do you think this might read more smoothly?:
(b}Frank was my old coke dealer, and as far as {c=blue}cocaine entrepreneurs go, he was a pretty decent guy.
You might even want to italicize the 2nd instance.
All in all, a personable guy, with a quite beneficial propensity for completely forgetting about past debts.(/i}
My slight revision:
All in all, {c=blue}he was a personable guy, with a quite beneficial propensity for completely forgetting about past debts.
I wasn't sure upon the first read if you were talking about Frank or yourself...
Here's a general tip:
I was taught that double spaces were expected after periods, commas, question marks, and exclamation marks, with a singkle space limited to the comma. Just take a paragraph and try it. It gives your work a much less "crowded" appearance...
But that's all I can say... this is a very good story about one of the most insidious drugs there is, in my not-so-humble opinion. Good job. Damn good job.
Au revoir,
Danny
(I'm attempting something for the first time... I'm attempting to insert a graphic into my sig,,, lemme know if it works if you could...<g>)
Very well-written... and it seems that you have a little bit more knowledge than most of the word (b)Jonesin'(/b).
The one slight problem is here:
How can the ascent be so easy, and the descent so arduous?
A slight revision:
How can the ascent be so easy, and the descent so punishing?
Why did I substitute punishing for arduous? Well, not to come off as elitist or anything, but I feel that arduous is beyond the majority of people's vocabularies. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. And remember, you want to reach as many people as possible, especially with this piece. How many junkies or coke whores do you know that are aware of the word "arduous".
But that is a very minor flaw. This was a very strong piece, and I would only encourage you to continue writing. This was a great piece.
First off, I found this very good. It reveals some serious soul-searching by the author of the piece.
I have a couple of very minor suggestions("Oh oh... here it comes," she says to herself...<g>):
it seems to come as easily to me as it is to breath
Should be:
it seems to come as easily to me as it is to breathe
Like I said... a very minor error.
Also, I think that the last line might read better as two lines"
now I believe and understand that eventually I’ll get where I want to go
Revised to:
now I believe and understand that
eventually I’ll get where I want to go
I was also thinking that perhaps if you perhaps broke the story into like three sections. that way, the reader could consider what the first section had said, then go on to the second, etc.
Here's my example:
to write is my way to truly be able to understand me
it seems to come as easily to me as it is to breath
the words flow eloquently on to the page every time
with the ability to fall into perfect rhythm and rhyme
but whenever I try to vocalize- any attempt made to speak
comes out clouded and confused, modest and meek….
growing up it was instilled to always remain humble
but my spirit is hungry and I can’t ignore the rumble
I’ve learned the decision to do or just be lies with me
And I think that I’m finally starting to be able to see
I’m in the driver’s seat- I’m the one behind the wheel
Its time to be honest-and possibly entirely too real
This life is meant to be spent not something you save
Time to finally ignore my subconscious need to behave
Seduce the things I find scary-dance a little with danger
Make my past as familiar to me as a passing stranger
I’m tired of being the one responsible for unsaid things
afraid of the pain that eventually and inevitably expose brings
Its this never ending battle between my head and my heart
But I couldn’t imagine life without writing playing its part
So it is solely up to me to do anything and everything I can
To bring about the realization of my own life’s plan
To believe in what I feel and to understand what I know
now I believe and understand that
eventually I’ll get where I want to go
Feel free to disagree.... it's merely a suggestion.
Please, keep writing... feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions...
Au revoir,
Danny
(I especially like the "as familiar as a passing stranger" analogy...)
This is a Very good concept, a pretty good execution of it. There are a few suggestinos I will provide, however, that I think will make this a better piece overall.
Here's my main concern:
That night I stood in the bathroom staring in the mirror wondering what was going on inside my head. All at once I felt as if I was falling and suddenly I was aware again. The voices spoke, “You can change what is presently reality, and you have the capacity for change. If you are in question of your actions, reevaluate.” The messages were cryptic coming from some disembodied voice. “You wish to make a change on a massive level?” I could not tell if it was a question or a statement.
“Who are you?”
“I am your past, your present and your future. Look into yourself and you will reach the answer you seek.”
As I was listening I became aware that it was me or at least my body that was speaking.
“You can change your life with a single thought; you must choose the right course of action. The consequences can be disastrous.”
Here's my revision:
That night I stood in the bathroom staring in the mirror wondering what was going on inside my head. All at once I felt as if I was falling and suddenly I was aware again.
“You can change what is presently reality, and you have the capacity for change. If you are in question of your actions, reevaluate,” the voices spoke. The messages were cryptic coming from some disembodied voice.
“You wish to make a change on a massive level?”
I could not tell if it was a question or a statement.
“Who are you?,” I asked after some hesitation.
“I am your past, your present and your future. Look into yourself and you will reach the answer you seek.”
As I was listening I became aware that it was me or at least my body that was speaking.
“You can change your life with a single thought; you must choose the right course of action. The consequences can be disastrous.” {//b}
Here's a very minor point:
I asked him if maybe the guilt from Todd’s death had mad me start to lose a grip.
I asked him if maybe the guilt from Todd’s death had made me start to lose a grip.
Another minor point:
The thought has consumed me I quit my job, live in total silence and have virtually cut my self off from the world.
Here's my revision:
The thought has consumed me; I quit my job, live in total silence and have virtually cut my self off from the world.
Other than than,. you have the makings a very good story here. If you have any questions, feel free to frop me a line.
Au revoir,
Danny
(One more thing: editors expect two spaces after a period, question mark, or explanation point, a single space after a comma. Your work looks less "crowded" that way...)
Okay, count this as a "preliminary" review. The reason that I say this is your lack of line breaks after paragraph. The lack of indentation on the 'Net makes it very{/b) difficult to read. Try inserting a line break after each paragraph and you'll see what I mean. It took me a bit to adjust to the "Internet system" as well...
A few minor caveats:
Caleb made a slurping sound and poured syrup all over his bacon, and Edith scowled; she tried to concentrate on her pancakes.
What do you think of this revision?:
Caleb made a slurping sound and poured syrup all over his bacon. Edith scowled, and she tried to concentrate on her pancakes.
Other than the points I outlined above, you're story comes close to flawless. You write well, and should continue writing. Except for the formatting matters, your story was quite good.
You have definite talent, and only need to refine and polish it. You definitely have proven that you are a bit precocious when it coomes to writing.
If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a line. And please... keep writing.
(And I've changed my mind about the rating... somehow, I trust you...=-)
Great piece, and pretty brilliantly executed...(and believe me, I don't say that all too often around here)
Oh, I did detect one oh-so small error:
"I'll just do it do someone else"
I guess it's obvious by now that the 2nd do should be to.
The only thing that would have caught that error would have been rigorous proofreading... well, that or have one of your literate acquaintances to peruse it.
All in all, good show. If you have any questions, merely drop me a line...
I liked this al ot... no, more than a lot. Your vivid imagination impresses me daily... your word choices are also exquisite... it a style that emphasized brevity... your script was very lean... no unenecessary words here mi amigo, por favor...
I'll point out a few things that detracted from your story:
The fiery red eyes skimmed over Helena slim toned body, stopping at the curves.
I think that you meant to say:
The fiery red eyes skimmed over Helena's slim toned body, stopping at the curves.(note the apostrophe)
The deviless licked her lips as she peered at the sun bathing body.
I think that this might read better:
The deviless licked her lips as she peered at the body bathing in the sun.
But the deviless could tell it was a bra because it was so low cut that the tops or her nipples were peeking out.
...the tops of her nipples...}
Just before Helena orgasmed, the deviless made herslef appear.
that would beherself
Before I get into a blow-by-blow description of all of your spelling errors, I will only recommend a good freeware spellchecker if you'd like. A spellchecker would have caught the majority of them.
A spellchecker and rigorous proofreading would have caught most of your errors.
If you have any questions about anything at all, feel free to e-mail me...
A good concept, and near flawless execution of it. I have one caveat, however: "murmurred" is my spellchecker comes up as "murmured"... just thought you would want to know. On to chapter 3... but a question: where should I go to find the complete story/ in however many parts it will be.
But good show... keep writing.
(If I may be so bold... may I recommend "Rendezvous"? It would be classified as an "erotic romance"... I'd love your thoughts on it...)
(Preface: I've already written one review, but I lost it with an errant mouse click. Opps!<g> Perhaps the 2nd time around will be better...<g>)
Good piece... a good concept, and executed fairly well.
A couple of minor caveats:
>"An Occasional Poet? Perhaps a Novelist?"
I question whether you should have used capitalization for both "Occasional Poet" nor "Novelist". They don't appear to be proper names.
And here:
>Have you ever wanted to build your own characters >inside a world that you alone created; take them >places that you’ve only visited in your dreams?
In my opinion, I don't think a semi-colon is necessary here, and I think that perhaps the sentence would read better as such:
"Have you ever wanted to build your own characters inside a world that you alone created, taking them to places that you’ve only visited in your dreams?"
One last thing... try to rein in your tendency to use the ellipsis... editors see this as "literary laziness". For example, in this sentence:
Whether it is drama, mystery, romance or mindless fluff... a true writer will give a bit of him or herself to the reader in one form or another.
Why couldn't you have written it as such?:
"Whether it is drama, mystery, romance or mindless fluff, a true writer will give a bit of him or herself to the reader in one form or another."
But overall, a good piece.
(And if you can, reciprocate. I have a few romances up, but I must warn you, these are erotic romances. Well-written romances, but still... If I had to recommend one, it would be Rendezvous... but I must warn you, it's about 13,500 words.)
Hey... color me impressed... I'm not kidding. Smoothly-written, spellchecked, good punctation, the whole nine yards. I don't give 5s very often(then again, I'm somewhat new here...<g>), but I'm giving one here,
(I have a question: Is this a version of fanfiction? It's an area I'm not really familiar with, although I have looked at some.)
You might want to take a look at "Rendezvous" and/or "Another Chance at Love" to see if you consider them "art". I mean, I think they are, but of course, I wrote them. Other than that, questions concerning art or not are *very* subjective, as I think you'd agree...
This ar5ticle was very helpful in explaining the Auto-reward gift points systems. It also was very useful in outlining the limitations of the system. I'm very seriously considering incorporating the gift points system to my portfolio... no, really...<g>
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