There is a sweet sound to your poem. More like an resolve to see beyond the years in verse. The best stanza would be the last one where you emphasize upon your leaving and it creates an aura of calm around your thoughts.
beautiful poem.
here are a few things I felt you may give a thought to.
boys 2 boy's
come and gone 2 come and go.
Repetition in the idea of placing the bags..
Pleasure reading and reviewing your captivating poem.
Thanks
Rubin
I have a penchant for reading poems that ignites the mind, give our thoughts a new direction, a sense.
"without gravity flying wouldn't have been as much fun or even challenging. I feel everything has purpose to fulfill even if we may or may not appreciate it. "
Do keep writing and explore the nadir of your mind.
Hello
Nice poem.
I think patience is a great virtue to aspire to. We are all alone in our path, however our paths do cross each other's and we believe the crossroads is our destination, hence we stop, only to realize we have miles to go and many a crossroads to cover. So keep writing, keep moving. My best wishes are with you.
"Betryal" does not exist, betrayal does and you ought to keep an eye on it.
A very beautiful poem with a soft delightful feel to it.
However I feel the word "that" is imposing on the poem. If you get rid of "that" the poem will carry a refined sound to it without impacting the meaning of the poem whatsoever. Just ask yourself, do you really need that word?
So far, this is the best poem of the day.
Do cry my friend, but only when you take up the pen. For words, I believe are the reflections that roil out of our sadness when we write. When the heart exercises there is bound to be sweat via our eyes. And I can tell you, your sweat is soft perfume. There is a soothing fragrance in your writing. Last two lines are memorable. So cry a bit and write a lot. :)
beautifully written , you have captured the essence of shadows in its most sincere form. :)
It evokes an understanding that sometimes shadows and silence have the loudest voice.
The rhyme scheme is a purple corset too tight,
overpowering the poems breathing delight
the bosom seems to bursts through the seam
and the poem is obscurely erudite.
In the guise of the children's plight there is a strong emotional undercurrent. You have achieved the desire impact a poem should have with words. Very well written. I am honestly impressed.
Your article is deeply passionate and resounding in its effect. I feel your effort to capture this moments is comparable to a man who is aiming the thread to insert into the needle's hole. So delicate and precise. Keep it up. It made me remember this real life experience abt an old man.
"The train thawed and whistled into the night, heaving a long trail of smoke, an old man’s eyes searched for certain signs to recognize the station about to come. Seated to one corner of the compartment, he supported his chin on the palm of his left hand as his elbow rested firmly upon the fringe of the window. Through this window came the sharp sting of the chilled wind that had filled the forest outside. Yet, he did not mind the discomfort. He did not even feel discomforted. He was lost in oblivion. His eyes kept turning upon the myriads of landscape that vanished into the shadow of the gleaming moon.
He marveled at the moon, its beautiful spherical shape and contoured blemishes upon the surface.
May be he was trying to search for the reflection of his past upon its blemished surface. Or may It was just me trying to draw the painting of my own future on that reflection."
I see potential in your writing, however somehow I feel the words do not fathom the gamut of feelings that's going through your mind. You must explore into the depth of your feelings and god bless you will touch the zenith in your writing. Keep writing, i would love to read more from you.
Beautiful poem,
Keep it up.
Reminds me of my village and the beautiful stream that passed near by, where fishing and playing in the mud was a regular entertainment.
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