This is breathtaking....I know it is personal to the writer, meaning that you are intimately acquainted with the one who is...traveling...to his heavenly door...but as I began it, I could not help to think 'this could be read graveside, to comfort mourners.' In other words, perhaps at some future point you could keep all of this wonderful, impactful piece, but shape it just a little bit, so that others could share it in such a setting. Or, just leave it as it is...it is very good. The first four lines, especially, are compelling.
Wow. This is powerful, emotional, and centered. There is such a strong feel of the volatility, yet, the depth of the relationship that has been lost.
This couple has been together a long time and through several attempts to break up.
Visceral. I felt every line.
Imagery wonderfully written. The image of being left in the soil to rot...as well as someone dancing on your grave, the way they are dancing on your memories. When one party pushes away and the other still wants to love, it can feel very like this. As if the parting on the part of the other is almost a celebration, leaving the other one behind broken, angry and grieving.
Succinct. I LOVE poetry/prose that does not get too wordy but really brings it together in few words. Such a punch.
Also very much liked how it begins and ends with the same line...re: making other plans. Very good. I would read more of your work.
Oh, no...you are a very good fiction writer. Your characters live and breathe and have a genuine relationship with one another. I particularly liked their digressing about boob size...something one only discusses with a fairly close friend. I also liked how you told the story with enough background, setting and other characters. The Fish Camp, the waitress, the fly...all were good.
If I were to add anything...and I know this is difficult sometimes, it would be a big more description of the two ladies. For the most part, we only know a bit of their build, but I would have liked to know a bit more: ie: ethnic background? height? skin tone and hair/eye color?
But, honestly, this is a great first chapter, even with the intrigue of what might be happening at their work...and the complicated relationships there.
Oh! I like this so much. It is all I look for in a poem. Intelligent. Painting ideas. Making me think.
The first line: Drowning brought me here. This is so true of many of life's complexities. And then, you further set up the picture of almost too many possibilities. Decisions to be made. Consequenses to be experienced.
Succinctly told, as well. I love prose/poetry that is not overly wordy.
A bit dark. But life can be dark, sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to seeing more by you.
I have taken some time to read your story. I will start by what I like about your story:
1. Your main character's voice is quite clear and strong, meaning we have a very strong sense of him.
2. The relationship between your main character and the woman he has feelings for is very nicely drawn out without getting tawdry or weird. You did a good job of establishing a very real connection between them that is based on more than physical feelings. This actually held the story together.
3. Your sub characters grew in clarity and voice as the story drew on. Meaning, you drew her friends into the picture to nicely finish the scene and set up where this relationship may head next. Well done on that.
What I feel could use more work.
1. Overall could use some very strong editing. You are a good writer, you have a certain craft with words and can lay out a scene and circumstances. But I do feel your entire story would read tighter and with more excitement if you drew back from so many words. Try this: cut and paste you document into a new document, keeping the old. Go through and ruthlessly cut back on anything that feels like it is non essential. Afterwards read it again. CAREFULLY put back in words that bring power to the sentence. Leave any that are not missed.
2. Your main character is...forgive me...too wordy for a guy. He just is...it is kind of overkill. I know he is genuinely in love with this woman...but you must be careful he does not come off as over charming....he almost seems too confident that this woman will just leave her life for him. For me, it weakens the story. A bit of humility...even sorrow...for what may have happened between them when they parted? It would bring an extra 'tone' to this piece. And we would feel for him, rather than worrying for her, which is what I found myself doing!
3. It took you to pretty deep in your story before you gave any strong description of place. You are very good at setting up situations and circumstances...but place. Help me to see it. When you described the house party scene was the first place I felt you slowed down a bit.
4.FOR THE MOST PART the relationship between the main characters was very real. I liked their cosmic connection from 2006. However, please be careful as you have them speaking to each other, that they sound like real people talking. When your main character confesses that he is ' I am clumsily trying to amuse you and hold your attention…' or ' an all-too-brief taste of as kids.' I am sorry...but these types of phrases do not ring true. People do not talk like that to each other...most of the other dialogue works, but if you can pull back the amount of words your main character speaks...describe more, let us see things about him...about her. Your story...which is already very good...will be that much better.
Great idea. The idea of lost love/connection re-found is always enticing. Keep writing.
This was a joy to read. Very real emotions, wonderfully shared. Story telling nice and slow, giving us a chance, even in a short story, a chance to know the protagonist, her situation, her desires and fears...and her options. I like how this is set up that in ending of the first part, we do not know what choice we will make.
I also like that in the second part, just for a moment, I was not sure if the one speaking was the original protagonist, or the baby grown up. I also like that we do not know if she and the father have stayed together. I am guessing they have not, as so very often the case. Women make very hard decisions based on the hope that they will get to 'keep' their guy and have a life with him. All too often, their first born, either given up for adoption or, worse, through abortion, stands silently between them. Not joining them but driving them apart.
But I also like that the daughter given up for adoption is happy and articulate and open to her birth mother, but fulfilled enough in her new life not to be out looking. It is any birth mother's hope that her child will find true happiness and love and belonging in their new adoptive family.
Very good. Needs some very minor proof reading for spelling and capitalizations,etc. I would also read it again a few more times, to see if you can drop any words here and there, to sharpen it up just a tiny bit. But it is very, very good. Thank you for sharing it.
This is wonderful. It lives and breathes. There was a short moment, in the middle, where it nearly took a turn towards tedious, ( right before the breaking up...it is often a tedious section in any work...can lean toward the melodramatic...you nearly went there...then stopped) I most definetly felt the protagonist's pain and rejection at the break up...and the sheer joy that the long, lost voice on the other end of the phone brought after 10 lost years.
It was also a nice surprise at the end when she asked Ru to meet. It was a surprise that they had never yet met.
Would be an interesting read if it were developed into a longer story.
This is good. Simple and straight forward, there are no mysteries or illusions here. The reader knows exactly what is going on and why. Generally I enjoy poetry with a bit more open to interpretation descriptions. However, the way you wrote this, and why you wrote this. It works.
A few of the rhymes are a bit too simplistic for a mature voice. For example, 'For I still love her so.' You may want to seach for another phrase that shows your longing and hurting.
Best two lines: I remember I lost her, no I cast her away. So much truth there, and it works as if you are thinking out loud and correcting yourself, correcting the history of how this girl/woman is no longer a part of your life. I wish there was a bit more like that in the poem.
This is really good. It has a sad and haunting quality but not overly maudlin. Not looking for self pity, which can be deadly in a piece like this. I like the word pictures, but moreso the place and the feelings between the characters. Strange the lego styled business card...it was just odd enough that it actually worked well in this style of poem.
Best line...the stand alone: you married him anyway. By making it stand alone like that, it has its full punch for the reader.
Keep writing!
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