This is a good start and a very intriguing concept! I want to know what happened to the sunlight! But, there are a few rough sentences... which are probably due to the nature of this contest. But, if this is something you want to pursue - here they are:
"..she burst out of bed ready holding her pillow in hand as she thought she might like to whack Armeth with it." **the placement of ready seems awkward, as well as the phrase -she thought she might like to whack Armeth- just rephrase.
You also in one spot mention she left her breakfast on the table because it had bird prints in it...and later go on to say that the breakfast didn't sit well in her stomach. Inconsistent.
This line - "Brett inhaled sharply, probably to begin a new tirade on her treatment of one of the CHOSE and the master," **Is "chose" the right word here? It didn't seem to make sense in the sentence.
Anyhow - again, wonderful concept! Just the phrasing here and there and the consistent use of events needs to be looked at. Great start, though! Good luck with this.
Wow! This is really good! It's a very intriguing little snippet of someone's life - it left me wanting a little more, though. I found a tiny typo in the following line:
The emerald sparkled and I couldn't help but watch it move it the light.
I think you meant "move in the light..."
I loved your descrip about the sunset as a fiery inferno - your descrips about the old lady were good, too. I thought you're ending wrapped up a bit quickly - that may have been due to the word count restraints? Otherwise - this is really, really good! Good luck in the contest!
This has some good stuff! Obviously a rough draft, though. There were a couple of typos I picked out:
“You’re bath is ready.” Ghalah looked at her oddly.
**Should be "Your bath..."
"...but was probably only a minute when the prince cleared him throat."
**should be "cleared HIS throat"
"where you go that mark behind your ear?”
**should be "where you GOT that mark..."
Also a few lines that don't read very smoothly - for example:
Prince Mykal leaned closer to her, conspiratorially, and Eahlah automatically leaned closer.
**you've got "leaned closer" in their twice and it sounds odd - I'd try to say it a different way the second time.
To answer your question about the language - I think most period pieces like this do use a bit more formal language like "It is grand..." etc. but, it's perfectly up to the writer's "poetic license" to make their characters come alive in the way they best see fit. I'd say the contractions lend to a uniqueness - not conforming to "what is always done." I'd just make sure that you're consistent.
You've got a good start - some great descrip. I especially like "...with skin the color of old parchment.." and "There were a hundred shades of green and brown variegating wildly up each slope."
Just - I would play up the dream or the king's death a bit, if this is really a first chapter, to better hook your reader.
This is really interesting. I've always been interested in this lore - of Lilith, Adam's "first wife". And this reads like a brief history of her life - something you might actually find inside of another, longer narrative story. Is this your plan, at all? I could totally see this incorporated into something longer - a story of vampires or werewolves or both. Or if you consider making this specific piece longer, I would take a look at your transitions and look into adding more dialogue. For example - it might be fun to see what Lilith had to say to Adam. All in all, however, you've got a great bit of "myth" here - with a sure, authoritative voice. Good job!
Just wanted to say that this contest forum is great! It helps hone a very necessary (in my opinion, anyhow)part of a great story. Exposition is nice and all - but, too much can make a girl's head spin! Plus, you're very kind to all your entrants, generous, and are one of the few contests I've entered that actually follows through on picking a winner and issuing the promised prize. Thanks!
The title of this caught my interest - and the idea of a Tractor nemesis is deliciously bizarre! The ensuing story proved to be very bizarre, also. Wow. I had to keep in mind that this was a dream, because you just can't apply much logic to any of it. The story should have ended when the semi slammed him the first time! What I really like about this and your writing is that you are very adept at creating the scene. You've got some beautiful bits of description throughout the story. For example - I really like this line: "The house reared like a ghost, white siding gleaming of its own light." Lovely image! And the beginning of the dream sequence was quite good. I kind of felt that you rushed the last half of the story, however. It seemed like you were just trying to get the words out, in some instances. There were also a few grammatical/spelling errors I came across. For example:
The coarse grass scuffed by cheek... (scuffed my cheek...)
I decided to needed to change into a more agile form if...(I decided I needed??)
They stated firing at me... (...started...)
Down the slope was the swampland that stretched out to the edge of the road, which line south. (Did you mean, "which lie south"?)
Another one hit my in the shoulder... (hit me in the shoulder...)
But, again, it is fun, bizarre, and quite entertaining. Just needs a little work. Good luck and good writing!
Wow! I think this is just beautiful - you capture so many images of fall in just a few lines of poetry and your choice of words is excellent! I can't pick a favorite line, because I like them all! Very well done. It's absolutely gorgeous! Thanks for sharing.
Congrats on the win! Well deserved, I must say. This is REALLY good! Your character's description is spot on and the imagery is beautiful. It's also compelling and sad. I think you've effectively captured the inner workings of a lonely, tortured, homeless man. I FELT it! Wonderful! Congrats, again.
I have to say - you certainly have a knack for the disturbing and macabre. This is well-written and the dialogue works, but I was left with a few questions about the ending of the story and Gabe's behavior, in general. Perhaps it is just me, but I have to believe that children are inherently good and would have the good sense to challenge "rules" and "threats" of a parent if they make no sense at all. "Problem children" usually exhibit signs of mischief and wouldn't be categorized as a "very good boy". Here you have Mommy's good little boy killing his father and contributing to the death of his sister in one night. It doesn't seem entirely plausible to me. But, again, that could just be me.
Some other suggestions regarding phrasing and content -
- In your first paragraph, it seems you have conflicting images – can you really have a thick “sheet” of ice over hills, with all the foliage, rocks and debris that break the ground? It doesn’t work for me. You go from sheet of ice to barely frosted to icing the windows…which is it?
-"Once the door is closed again, he enwraps..." I would use “wraps” – the use of "enwraps" sounds pretentious beside the style of language you use in the rest of the piece.
- ",” he says, carefully pushing a lock of his slicked-back hair into place." (another conflicting image – slicked-back implies immobile, so how did a lock shake loose?)
- “A shoemat (not a word – shoe mat sounds better)…”
- The woman smiles. “Okay, point taken." (why use ‘the woman’ here – it makes it sound impersonal)
- “My camera,” he calls down before ducking (you’ve recently used ‘ducks down’, why not try another action verb here)
- Karen’s eyes burn as she stomps around the corner and up the stairway. The woman (again, this usage seems impersonal – as if we don’t know who this woman is. We’ve been introduced to her, so if you’re searching for alternatives to “she” and “Karen” – try something else.)
- “Why?” the boy (I would suggest if you’re trying to get away from using proper names or “he/she”, perhaps leave it out all together. The dialogue is fine to stand on its own)
- “No God! Please! This can’t be happening!” The buffeting (it’s my understanding that “buffeting” is something caused by a strong wind – not a descrip for wind itself…) wind devours his words.
Perhaps I should read the unabridged version of this. It's a great concept, it just needs better character development (to justify motive) and some tightening up here and there. Nice job, though! Thanks for an interesting read.
How funny! My daughter was just singing this song (the classic version, anyhow) the other day! This is a fun twist on an old campy song - I like the progression of ghoulish things she ends up swallowing in order to get to that fly. Being an old witch, however, I would have liked to see her do something other than "perhaps she'll cry" - like fly, or die, lie....something a bit more evil or akin to a witch. I'm also not sure I totally liked the ending...the rhythm and rhyme seemed off, just a bit. But, overall - it was a fun read! Thanks for sharing!
Whatever you decide to do with this - I think it definitely has the potential to be quite interesting! I'm wondering how old Elizabeth is? I would guess around 10-12 years old? You give her inner thoughts the simplicity of a child - but, I would love to see some quirkiness and youthful, brutal honesty. You pretty much just have her logging the events of the day. There doesn't seem to be too much emotion involved. I know that when I write in my diary - it's full of emotion and not always entirely logical or orderly. Just a thought.
Some more specific and graphic observations might liven this piece as well.
A few little grammatical things...in the Oct. 3rd entry - you have "children abroad"...and I believe you meant "children aboard"?
And in the Dec. 20 entry you write "Why are we in this forsaken country in the first place?" This seems out of place, considering that she is still on the boat and hasn't officially set foot in America.
Just a few small things, but you've got a nice start. Good luck with this!
This is well written, but so very, very sad! I think that you have definitely captured the essence of a tortured soul.
The sentence "I bought an underwater stopwatch to time myself with." Would sound fine as "...to time myself."
The sentence, "It was when I went back to the surface that everything returned." might work better in this piece as "But then I went back to the surface and everything returned."
Another suggestion - "My vision gets hazy and my lungs continue to beg for air" as "My vision gets hazy and my lungs beg for air."
This makes me want to say, "I'm so very sorry". And hope that somehow that 1 minute 45 seconds passed and everything was ok. A very affective piece. Good job and good writing.
This is a nice little snapshot of a girl finding her first true love. The sentiment is evident, and I'm very happy for you!
However - you've just kind of told the reader, briefly, how it all happened. I would add some fun descrips and details - answer a few questions a reader might have when reading this.
Other than meddling in your love life, what is your cousin like? What problems at school did you have? Why was your last boyfriend such a jerk? What makes you resistant to having a boyfriend? What specifically about Kyle makes him different from other boys? What does he look like - any special traits you just love? Stuff like that....
Also, the writing could be a bit smoother. For example - your first line: "My cousin, Matt, who had taken an interest in my love life decided to take it upon his self to find me a boyfriend." Might read better as "My cousin Matt, taking a sudden interest in my love life, took it upon himself to find me a boyfriend."
There were also just a few grammar/spelling issues - "He made me feel completely at east" should be "completely at ease".
With a little work, this could be a very nice little vignette about first loves. Good luck with this!
Cool! This is very interesting. I really like your concept of tying in a whole life with an entire day. Clever!
I noticed a few things, however, that might "clean up" this piece a bit. There seemed to be a lot of commas - some, unnecessary, I think.
For example - "How's this, I live 365 lives a year, and each day is a complete life." would be better as "How's this - I live 365 lives a year and..."
Also, "It is the first peek of light, the hint of birth and the first bird that greets the day, you know the scene. It truly is, first light." would read better as "It is the first peek of light, the hint of birth and the first bird that greets the day. You know the scene. It truly is first light."
There was another line "... hear the noise of sleepless man..", which is grammatically inconsistent. You should use either, "...the noise of a sleepless man..." or "..the noise of sleepless men..."
One other thing - you spend a lot of time on the new born and toddler stage, but then breeze through your entire teenage/adult/middle aged phase. To be consistent, I might try to flesh out this section a little.
I think you've got a great start and a wonderful concept. It just needs some fine tuning. I hope this is somewhat helpful. Good luck in the contest!
Isa - this is a fun and interesting concept! I like that you added some French in the dialogue. It seems only fitting!
There were a few little "fixes" that caught my eye, though. In the first paragraph, you refer to the "Summer's son". Was "son" used intentionally, or did you mean "Summer's sun"? Also, in the second paragraph you write "...when He bathed me in its heat." If you mean to personify and capitalize the "Sun", the sentence would read better as "...when He bathed me in his heat."
I really liked the descrip of the Moonlight "stroking a blank streak on my face." That's great!
Also, what's nice about this contest is that the judges give some very detailed critiques of the entries.
I like the humor in this. I know how particular men can be. That's why I never take mine shopping with me, lol!! For this piece, however, I think your story would have been stronger if you had focused more on the meeting of an old friend, rather than the shopping trip. You also mentioned an issue with the 300 word limit. I'm not sure how you approach it - but, maybe my own approach might help. I usually get the story out first, before I worry about the count. You can always go back later and edit words out to cut it down to 300. I hope you enter, again. I'd love to read more and have the competition!! Good luck!
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But, there are a few rough sentences... which are probably due to the nature of this contest. But, if this is something you want to pursue - here they are: 