This is a fascinating premise! I would love to read more. Your opening hooked me right away. I did find myself wondering, why was everyone following Gart? Is he a leader? It was clearly explained later that they were taking so much interest because he'd been gone but I think it might be helpful to throw in just a couple of words in the very beginning about it. That's just my opinion though, I may be the only person who wondered. Your style is very character focused and I could feel the mood right away! Gart's urgency had me on the edge of my seat.
On a technical point, the dialogue is missing quotation marks in places and dialogue should also be it's own line on the page rather than being buried inside a larger paragraph. I know it can make a short story like this look kind of strangely spread out if there are a lot of single line paragraphs (as a result of dialogue) but it's okay to have that and it makes it easier for the reader to keep track of who's speaking.
I'm excited to see more and I'd love to hear more about how the humans are surviving (e.g. what kind of settlements do they have? how are they managing the threat from the insects? how many are left? etc etc) and also more about the insect culture, how advanced are they? You might like a book called The Transall Saga by Gary Paulson. It doesn't involve the decline of the human species quite like your story does but it does take place in a future when there are two primary groups of humans, one clearly dominant over the other and your story reminds me of it so .. anyway, thought I'd share. :)
Your story is so scary! At first I was dubious of River but it didn't take long for me to change my mind. I thought, "Trevor found this really cool magical rock and wouldn't it be so useful to have that in real life!" But as the story progressed, I first realized, no - not cool to have in real life and then when River told Trevor to kill, I started to doubt River again. By the end, I couldn't help wondering if Trevor was suffering from a disorder giving him hallucinations! Overall, your story flowed really well, the characters were well developed (especially Trevor!) and especially toward the end when Trevor was interviewing Diane, I was able to experience the story with Trevor. You did a very good job of showing the reader Trevor's experience of that scene rather then telling the reader.. if that makes sense. I am definitely going to recommend your story to other readers.
I really couldn't find anything to criticize in this story, not even a misplaced comma! (Although I could be wrong, I was pretty sucked into the experience). Well done!
I want to offer you a legitimate review, but words are failing me. I'd just like you to know that I very much enjoyed this poem and maybe someday I'll have the knowledge to leave a better review. (Sorry it's short, deliberately < 250 characters)
Overall: This is a very interesting story concept! Your writing is saturated with color and detail and yet you are concise and to the point as well. That takes skill! You gave us a setting, set the mood, introduced us to Eve and identified the conflict right at the start. Identifying the conflict right away is important! It helps grab the readers attention and keep them interested.
I liked the way you used the first paragraph to tells us about Eve, then gave Adam his own paragraph and brought it all together in the third.
Critiques: There are a number of punctuation errors.They don't interrupt the flow of the story too much but I think it would help to correct them. If you'd like, I'll be happy to review again with some corrections for you.
Overall, Good job! I'd love to read more about these two!
This is so beautiful! You excel at making every word count, every line progresses the story. That's something I struggle with tremendously. Being concise is a valuable skill.
I was immersed in the scene you describe right from the start and despite the darker elements, it was very calming. I appreciated the contrast of the beauty of the scenery with the dangerous realities of winter. It was almost like poetry or song lyrics.
I love the description of the treas swaying in the breeze and your use of the word companions. I do wonder at your use of the term "leaves" because most evergreen trees have needles (at least in the region I live in) so it was strange to try to imagine but that didn't take away from the beauty of the scene.
Actually, as I read it again, I notice that the way you describe motion in general is a huge part of what makes your writing feel so poetic and enchanting. Your inclusion of nearly all the senses in just the first couple of lines helps the immersion as well.
I felt sad about the hares and squirrels that didn't make it but you made it okay at the same time. Death is something I've struggled with a lot in the last couple of years (there have been several deaths in my life in the last 2 years) and logically, I know death is a part of life and it's not inherently Bad but I think in the future, if I'm struggling with fear about death, reading this might help. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story!
What a fascinating story!
This opened on a scene very true to the show. The whole first chapter and part of the second, I was just waiting for the adventure and looking forward to all the great dialogue and interactions. I could practically see it all playing out on tv! But by the end of chapter 2, I knew something bad was happening. The sense of impending doom builds and builds.. you did a very good job of feeding us just a little bit of information at a time. And the ending was heartbreaking. Poor Twilight! :( I am very impressed with your writing!
The very first thing that grabbed my attention as needing/deserving a comment was "Her head and legs swung loosely with every flap of her wings as she hovered overhead." I thought that was an excellent detail because Rainbow Dash's posture while she's flying is something I frequently noticed while watching the show and it would be easy to overlook it (but you didn't)!
You did a great job of writing everypony in character. Pinkie Pie made me laugh so much in the first chapter. She's my favorite because, like her, I am at times hyperactive and silly and I'm also rock enthusiast! But anyway, you also did a good job of giving appropriate "screen time" (page space?) to each of the ponies. I didn't have to wonder what anyone was doing.
"[Spike] took a step back as if [Twilight's] gaze was pushing on him." -I liked this a lot too, although I can't really think of how to explain why. The imagery of her gaze having a physical force to it was very creative and I liked that.
"Their faith was set in stone, but not Twilight’s" I believe this was supposed to be "Their fate was set in stone..." ?
I gave it 4.5 stars because there were a few places where the wording felt odd but I couldn't identify why and I'm not sure if it was because there was really something off or if it was just me. There were two places I might consider changing it.
"His smile widened as he mounted Rarity." I would consider changing the use of the word mounted.
The other word was "ineluctable". It's a very awesome 10-point word! Unfortunately, it's a very awesome 10-point word, which means a lot of people will not know it. I think I'm fairly well read for an average person and I've never encountered that word before. It also stuck out because it doesn't match the vocabulary level of the rest of the story. Thanks for teaching me a new word though! :)
This is very excellently written, in my opinion. The detail you put into how Twilight's magic works added a lot to the story and I enjoyed reading it. A less talented writer might have skipped over all that and just stated that she popped into this other dimension and built an illusory copy of reality but you made it possible for the reader to experience it all as the ponies experienced it. Good job! That's hard to do! I hope this review was helpful. If you had any concerns about specific elements and would like to ask about it, I'll be happy to review again. :)
PS As I am painfully new to WdC, I'm not sure how many GPs is customary to send with a review so hopefully I gave you a satisfactory number of Gift Points. Happy Wednesday! :)
PPS I am so new, in fact, that this is my first ever review/comment ever and I'm not sure if I successfully submitted this so if this is a repeat review, oops! I'm very sorry xP
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