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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/earlyaugust/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: OFF
279 Public Reviews Given
279 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I love to review in-depth on short stories over 10K. My reviews focus on plot, characters, style, and grammar. I will give a mixture of constructive criticism and constructive praise, including a sample of some line-by-line issues. It is important to note that I will give 1 and 2-star ratings to works that I believe need heavy revision, but I'm always open to revisiting a work that has been revised with the potential to raise the rating.
I'm good at...
I like to look at a work both as a whole and broken down into its essential pieces. I think this allows me to present a balanced and constructive review.
Favorite Genres
My preferred genres are Horror, Fantasy, or Science Fiction. I prefer the intended audience to be teen or adult.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance/erotica, personal narratives (mostly), children's stories (mostly)
Favorite Item Types
My favorite items are short stories, but I will review several chapters of a novel or potentially the entire novel if I am interested enough. I will review poetry, but I do not have extensive experience with different poetic forms.
I will not review...
I do not review works where the major emphasis is on religion, nor do I review erotica.
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review by Early
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

Comments:

I really liked how you took a mundane occurrence and expressed it so well while also making it unnerving. I know that exact feeling of anxiety when you get on the bus and wonder if your pass won't work or you brought the wrong one.

Suggestions

Right off the bat I was struck by how repetitive your sentence structuring is. I would recommend breaking that up if you do nothing else. Read it our loud and notice how it has the same rhythm over and over -Introductory clause, action, description- again and again. This is something that can be hard to catch unless you read aloud. Any time you have a "as this, then then this" structure, make sure it really needs to be stated that way.

I recommend adding spaces between paragraphs for ease of reading.

I'd like a little more physical description of the old woman somehow. I don't get a very clear picture of her. I also don't think that as unnerved as the main character is, she would agree to bring her daughter to a strange woman's house so quickly.

Overall,

I think this is a good beginning that could stand some editing and added detail. Make sure you read it aloud to catch repetition and structure issues.

-Early
77
77
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I'm not a lover of poetry and I don't write it, so take this review with that in mind, but since you requested one...

This line seemed awkward to me. I'm not sure how it should be read "Love you walk."

Two lines I really liked because of how well they capture the image of the poem were "Wanna talk?
Talk to my eyes." however, you follow it with needless repetition "Wanna say something?
Say it with the eyes.
Never the mouth." Which I think could and should be cut to preserve the intensity of the first two.

"---- the body." is a line I found less eloquent than the rest of the poem. It broke the flow.

Overall I did the like the flow and beat of your words. A few times you have achieved succinct meaning beautifully. There are several places that are less elegant and interrupt the reading. The story is a little flat and 2-dimensional to me, as well, though that could be changed a great deal by cutting down on some of the more erotica-like language and more of the romantic feeling. Interesting read, write on!

Early

78
78
Review of Gotta Sing  
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello,
Things I liked

The comparison of unfinished songs to unfinished loves was brilliant. I also loved the lyric clips interspersed with thoughts.

You had an amazing blend of realism and fantasy. When the narrator wakes up your descriptions are gritty and real, but the music and the dance are soft an alluring.



Things To Consider:

The view is a little overwhelmingly perfect and that either adds to the dreamlike quality of the beginning or makes it less realistic depending on your intentions.

I was here in Mildenheath on business and must arise early tomorrow for some reason the must makes it seem present tense to me.

Yes, I remembered David most especially. I'd get rid of most or especially since they seem redundant.

How can this be same Clyde I saw earlier? how could . . .

Overall

I really enjoyed this piece. It was different from anything I've read before but I think it could speak to almost anyone.
79
79
Review by Early
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Things I liked:

A beautiful description of deer. I particularly liked
"the easily frightened deer,
Whose survival and growth depend
Upon grazing in the open patches of wilderness,".

Things to Consider:
perhaps a few too many adverbs at the beginning. There is a little repetition that I think could be cut to make way for even more imagery. Eg- "Which become fazed and partially encroached upon ", I feel you only need fazed or encroached upon.

Overall:

I thought you had an interesting take on deer. As for myself, I don't consider humans much of a threat to them. This is likely because where I live the deer populations are so much on the rise we are considering bringing back some large predators to regulate them more. I do, however, find them beautiful and mysterious whenever I meet them behind my house or on the bike trail. I enjoyed reading this poem, write on!
80
80
Review by Early
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

I rate everything that I read from start to finish. If something is so riddled with errors that I stop reading before the end, or if I just do not like it enough to continue, i won't rate it. It would seem dishonest to me, considering i hadn't read it all and therefore couldn't completely give an opinion.

I do not rate every poll I take or every image I look at, and I won't rate things I have a bias against if i realize I have one.
81
81
Review of Bumble Boy  
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

This story was quite well written and generally free of mechanical errors that I could see. I was hooked by the beginning even though or perhaps because I had an idea of what was coming. You did a nice job making Jon sympathetic and his father and brother were clear antagonists, though a little two dimensional until the end. I could not stop reading. It w as horrifyingly addictive.

He didn't want to look at it; the injury. It was some complete stranger that he didn't have any desire to know any better.- great line!

And realizing this truth, pain of forever being a disappointment to his father poured slow and syrupy inside his chest.-another great line!

Things to Consider:

He knew it wasn't life threatening, of course, but a way of life threatened.- maybe "but it was a threat to a way of life" or some slight rewording here.

His father looked at his son with a queer look on his face while he walked over and picked the ball up.- repetition of look

I think the curses Jon thinks when the nurse asks him if he needs help seem out of place with his character

There is a great deal of unnecessary name repetition. i always have a problem with this too and the best way to catch it is to read aloud.


Overall:

While this story was well written and very engaging, I was disappointed by the ending. Not every story has to be moral but most of them have a sort of message or point to express. This story seemed to express only pain and sadness at the end with such a negative life view for Jon.

Early
82
82
Review of The Ancient  
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

Things I liked:

Opening line . . . hilarious :). I was immediately interested.

I feel very connected to the speaker immediately. He is introspective and also outwardly analytical. He is wry but also melancholy. He feels real.

It is infinitely sweeter to remember that which you never knew. -so very very true

Things to Consider:

"if such makes me the victor, perhaps the pen is truly mightier than the sword.
To be an elf is to live forever. "

I feel there needs to be more connection between these two lines,or more of a separation visually.

But any elf that takes a life, even when threatened, can in turn be slain. - if an elf can only kill when threatened but only having been threatened/having killed be killed themselves, how could they initially be threatened? I apologize if that's hard to follow. As i understand this, a threat is brought abut by a feeling of being unsafe physically, but an elf who hasn't killed anyone can't be killed and so should also never feel threatened. Perhaps I misunderstand.

"From time to time, priests trained against The Ether will scour the darkness for weeks, returning with nothing but a raving husk that once conversed with orchids in bloom, or brought rain from blue skies with nothing but his outstretched hands and a fool’s grin - an elf will only fall in love once, and the world itself rejoices with them."- this is beautiful and haunting. It kind of freaked me out, actually, but It also needs to be broken into more than one sentence. The last bit about love does not seem connected enough to me. It feels a little random.

be careful not to overuse the word "likely"

Overall:

Definitely something that peaked my interest and I would want to read further! I don't even like stories with elves as a general rule, LOTR aside, and I liked this. I think the main character is what really hooked me and the mystery of the ancient. This is obviously a monologue/intro and by it's nature is reflective rather than active which is the only big thing I would suggest you change if it was a regular chapter. There were a few places that I had to reread to understand, mostly about eleven history. Otherwise, I loved it! Excellent work!

Early
83
83
Review by Early
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,
Things I liked:

You set the atmosphere very well right from the beginning. Your descriptions all succeed in furthering the idea of this "dead, flat, hollow, boring, odd" place.

Each upstairs hall held three closed doors but Joven already knew their secrets.- great line.

Things To Consider:

I would suggest beginning in a more engaging way. Perhaps if the description were easier to understand it would draw me in but I had to re-read it several times to get the idea of the house. Or, alternatively, bring the voice of the narrator or descriptions of her in as well to break it up a little.

The manor was made up of three triangles stacked beside each other creating a strange square base with a pointed roof.- this might be more easily described/understood as a pyramid. Or three pyramids, if that is what you are describing. I wasn't quite sure.

I think there is too much architectural and object oriented description for a first chapter. It comes across as a little list-like

Mechanics:

make sure you hyphenate words that need it

daughters life.- daughter's life.

stuff.” Linda said and straightened her red blouse- stuff,” Linda said and straightened her red blouse


Overall:

I liked the house, although you may have overdone the details just a little. The ending of this chapter is where I really began to be interested. What happened to this family? How is travel between dimensions possible? It leaves you wanting to know more.

Write on!

Early
84
84
Review of Doppelgangers  
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Things I Enjoyed:

RIght away your opening line hooked me. It sets the scene but takes a cliched dark and stormy night and turns it into something original.

“Daddy is not here right now little man, it’s just you and the monsters.”- This line is really really creepy!

Things To Consider:

If the mother and father just walk away, why then would the monster impostors try to kill Declan to replace him instead of having him leave too. i think this needs more explanation.

I was confused by the narrator's age. At times he seems very young: he has to argue with his parents to stay up late and watch a movie, but the he uses expletives and terminology that only an older child or adult would know. perhaps make it clear at the beginning of his age and set the character up a little.

Try to use fewer adverbs and rely on verb strength.

The spacing is not consistent for your paragraphs

Mechanics:

Most of the day had been exhausted persuading himself and mum to let me stay up late to watch a horror movie- this wording is a little awkward to me. I believe it is the use of "himself"

Presuming she’s on the phone to one of her friends- I think "with one of her friends" would be better

"Before I can answer a faint laugh protrudes from the other side of the door that instantly scares the living daylights out of me." laughs don't generally protrude. You may need another verb.

Overall:

I think this story has an interesting and scary theme. I would suggest that you fix up the mechanics and some of the phrasing. To help with wording and also believability try reading it aloud and ask yourself if it's something you would really say or think in that situation.


Early
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