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279 Public Reviews Given
279 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I love to review in-depth on short stories over 10K. My reviews focus on plot, characters, style, and grammar. I will give a mixture of constructive criticism and constructive praise, including a sample of some line-by-line issues. It is important to note that I will give 1 and 2-star ratings to works that I believe need heavy revision, but I'm always open to revisiting a work that has been revised with the potential to raise the rating.
I'm good at...
I like to look at a work both as a whole and broken down into its essential pieces. I think this allows me to present a balanced and constructive review.
Favorite Genres
My preferred genres are Horror, Fantasy, or Science Fiction. I prefer the intended audience to be teen or adult.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance/erotica, personal narratives (mostly), children's stories (mostly)
Favorite Item Types
My favorite items are short stories, but I will review several chapters of a novel or potentially the entire novel if I am interested enough. I will review poetry, but I do not have extensive experience with different poetic forms.
I will not review...
I do not review works where the major emphasis is on religion, nor do I review erotica.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* "How to start creating a website ?" Having the question mark after this title makes it seem like you're unsure if you're able to explain how to create a website. It would make more sense for the title to be either "How to Create a Website" or "Want to create a website?"

Content

*NoteB* I had some trouble understanding this piece, but from what I did understand this essay deals more with the conceptual side of creating a website than the concrete methods like coding. I think it would be more useful if you tried to give concrete examples of pros who will build your website and sites through which you can create your own. It might help to break the essay up into sections with headers so the information is more accessible.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* The first thing that struck me when I began reading was how there were no paragraph breaks. A solid block of text like tis can be intimidating and feel like a stream of consciousness. Use paragraphs to separate major ideas for ease of reading.

You overuse commas significantly. I would recommend using a grammar and mechanics guide like "Eat Shoots and Ladders" to learn a little more about this.

You struggle with word order, which clouds the meaning of many lines

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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB* website on the Internet .*XB* you do not need a space between the last work of a sentence and the punctuation. This is an error throughout the piece. You also do not need a space between a comma and its preceding word.

*NoteB* *XB*That's just how, and what is needed? *XB* You just need to know how to do it and what is needed

*NoteB* *XB*The simplest solution - is to order from the pros *XB* The simplest solution is to order from the pros

*NoteB* *XB*Only snag is that this service is not cheap, and the more pages will be at your site , the more it will come to you . *XB* The only snag is that this service is not cheap and the more pages you have in your site the more it will come to you .

*NoteB* *XB*Therefore, if you can not afford the luxury of a site in order is one - do it yourself ( most ) .*XB*If you can not afford the luxury of ordering a site, do it yourself.

*NoteB* *XB* Not so this is difficult as it seems at first glance. *XB* This is not so difficult as it seems at first glance

*NoteB* *XB*I'll stop the line by line here. You have a lot of work to do in the grammar and mechanics department, but don't be discouraged. Take it one step at a time and read a lot. I get the sense that English isn't your first language, in which case you're light years ahead of where I would be in any other language.*XB*


Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Please don't be discouraged by the low rating. I think you have a lot of work to do, but this is a great start! If you do any editing I'd be happy to re-review and potentially change the rating.

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27
27
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today for the raid. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions. I hope these will be helpful to you in future revisions, but feel free to disregard if you disagree.

-----
Title

*BurstB* I like your title. It is lightly humorous, and we know exactly what to expect from both the subject and tone of the writing.

Beginning/Plot

*BurstB* We begin with Pam writing a letter to her cousin, Carla, about her first day on earth. Her class has taken a field trip there to study the humans. We do not know what Pam or Carla look like, what species they are normally, or what their own home planet of Saturn is like. This is information that you may have left out deliberately to focus on how Pam views earth. I felt like a little more technological information and setting for these creatures was needed, however, to truly be drawn into this vignette.

Characters

*BurstB* I found it really quite strange that the names of these alien characters are Pam, Carla and Jackie. Everything else shown to be completely different from humanity, so why would they have names developed by humans with human meanings? Placing that aside, the main character seems to be a typical teenage girl, despite her alien background. She is in a 14-year old body, anyway, but her reactions to her environment seem more child-like. When I read it, I see her more at a 10-12 year old level. She isn't given much character, mostly because this is a setting/experience driven story.

Style/Voice

*BurstB* I think Pam's voice could be more developed. At times she speaks in a stiff, formal way, and at other times her grammar is looser and more child-like. I found this a bit confusing. At times she seems to find every detail of earth foreign, such as the size of their feet or shadows. She seemed, however, to know what a bush was. Be careful to keep her knowledge consistent.

Setting/Imagery

*BurstB* "The gentle wind caused small circles of sand to twirl round and round. " I thought this was particularly lovely. You have a lot of great description, from an outsider's perspective, about things we take for granted.

Grammar/Mechanics

*BurstB* There were no major issues here that I could find. Well done!

Ending

*BurstB* This isn't a full story, since there was no plot or conflict to speak of. I'd be interested to see it further developed, though. I'm already interested in what their world is like, since it seems to be quite different from our own. I'd also like to see more interaction between Pam and the humans her age. Let me know if you expand.



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Line by Line Suggestion

**I really scoured this in the interest of finding tiny details to improve, since it's already so polished. Consequently, most of my comments are not about "mistakes" you made, but instead areas which could flow better or feel more real.

*BurstB* *Vignette2* Read about what her first day is like.*Vignette2* This is actually part of your item description, and while it is not important to the story directly, it does have an impact on readers choosing to view the item. Clearly you haven't had a problem finding readers, but to me it is a waste of text to say "read this" in a description. You might be able to add something with more impact here, or a hook. Even simply cutting it makes the former sentence stand out more.

*BurstB* *Vignette2* Dear Cousin Carla,

This is your favorite cousin, Pam.*Vignette2* This could easily just be a personal preference, but I don't think cousins usually call each other "cousin Ben, cousin Sally...." just as you wouldn't usually call someone "brother John". It is clear in the second line that they are cousins, so you could cut this.

*BurstB* *Vignette2*As you know, I attend North Crater Academy on the Planet Saturn*Vignette2* This is clearly here for the reader's benefit, since even Pam says Carla already knows this information. Would you write "As you know, I go to Valley High School" in a letter to your own cousin, if you knew they were already aware of this? A better way to work this in would just be to say "I just finished X class at North Crater Academy..." and work the bit about Saturn in a sentence or two later.

*BurstB**Vignette2*Our teacher then changed us into the form of humans, and told us to practice walking.*Vignette2* a little more information about this change would be a good detail to develop the sci fi atmosphere. Is it magic? Advanced technology? What's being used? For such a huge jump, I found it hard to let it slide. Again, you would have to describe it in a way that the cousin would find ordinary.

*BurstB* *Vignette2* You should have seen our antics Carla! *Vignette2*comma after "antics" perhaps

*BurstB* *Vignette2* He was so mad because we didn’t take the practice serious*Vignette2* seriously

*BurstB* *Vignette2* I listened in awe at the musical sound. *Vignette2* I listened, in awe, to the musical sound. OR I listened, in awe of the musical sound.

*BurstB**Vignette2* I was fixated at the blue sky and fluffy clouds that illuminated through the beams of the warm sun, but I forced myself to look around at the planet below. *Vignette2* fixated by* were illuminated from*

*BurstB* *Vignette2* earthy ground*Vignette2* This description seems a bit odd. It seems like saying the sandy sand or wet water

*BurstB* *Vignette2* We could also make our shadows dance, raise its hands, bend, or do anything else that we were doing.*Vignette2* either shadows should be singular or "its" should be "their"

*BurstB* *Vignette2* a human who briskly walked over to us talking loudly about something. *Vignette2* a human who walked briskly over to us talking loudly about something.

*BurstB**Vignette2* I know that you know what a shovel is because we played with one together at the Earth artifacts fair back home near my house.*Vignette2* again, be cautious about having Pam tell Carla what Carla knows (if that makes sense). She already knows what she knows, and the writing then feels a bit obvious. It breaks the dream.


Overall Opinion

*BurstB* This was an interesting little flash of a story. It made me want to read more! Quick! Get writing.





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28
28
Review of Martha  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early, and I'll be reviewing your work today for the Power Shop. All of the included comments are suggestions only. You can take or leave them as you see fit. Please let me know if you do any editing or revision, as I'll be happy to take another look.




Title

*Star* There is nothing wrong with the title as it is, but I don't think it really does your story justice. Using a character name as a title should be reserved for stories where it has special meaning. You might try something a bit more symbolic.


Beginning

*Star* We open onto Martha preparing for her son to return from war. Although your opening isn't a "hook', this isn't the type of story where it needs to be.


Characters

*Star* Martha is the only character with any real development, and I thought you did an outstanding job of making her come to life. It was easy to see the core of steel in her personality, and her weaknesses as well. I was immediately drawn to her and sympathized with her tragic situation.

Imagery/Setting

*Star* You do an amazing job with atmosphere and imagery in this piece. I felt like I was looking at a worn, sepia photograph. the further I read, the heavier the sadness and fatigue in the story. You saturated every detail with meaning.

Plot

*Star* Martha lives alone, her children grown up or dead. She's waiting for her son to come home from war, not realizing that he died years ago. I was impressed by the normalcy of the situation. You expressed it so artfully without resorting to over-dramatization. Everything was shown instead of told.

Style/Voice

*Star* Your style is clear, descriptive, and flows naturally. It isn't a fast read, despite being short, but it's worth it. One thing I did notice was a propensity for attaching dialog to the sentence preceding it, This gets a bit confusing in one or two spots, though it doesn't impair the overall read.

Ending

*Star* The ending is as happy as it could be, given the circumstances. The subject is something i relate to personally, so I found it especially hard-hitting.



Line by Line Suggestions

*Star* *BurstO* She brushed back a lock of hair with the back of her hand and brought it away covered in sweat.*BurstO* She brushed back a sweat lock of hair with the back of her hand. (to me it seems pointless to show the image of her moving her hair twice)

*Star* *BurstO* She heard a car coming along the highway to her left and shaded her eyes hoping it was Ben, but . . . the car passed along.
*BurstO*comma after "eyes"

*Star* *BurstO* Martha was . . .. Her face was . . . her once deep auburn hair now streaked with gray. Her hands were . . . .She had . . . .*BurstO* The paragraph of description you have for Martha is excellent imagery, but to me it seems too closely packed together with too much of the same structure. It feel repetitive, and my eyes are inclined to skim it. Maybe you could spread it out a bit.

*Star* *BurstO* She looked at the apron, stained and patched, "even this has seen better days," she said aloud.*BurstO* I think the comma after "patched" could be a period and start a new sentence with the speech.

*Star* *BurstO* It was June 15, 1917 and Martha's world was turned upside down the day that Ben went off to war.*BurstO* I wasn't sure if you meant it was 1917 when she was sitting there, or when Ben went to war. This should be clarified.

*Star* *BurstO*Martha had received two letters from him in all that time, "you'd think a boy would write his mother more . . ." she mumbled. *BurstO* why not end the sentence at "time"? I've noticed that you have a tendency towards this format so I won't keep pulling out examples, but they run throughout. The first part is complete on its own and so is the second half.

*Star* *BurstO* a cabinet that held three plates, two cups and a sugar bowl and little else. *BurstO* a cabinet that held three plates, two cups, a sugar bowl, and little else.

*Star* *BurstO* little else.
Through the door *BurstO* something wrong with the line break here.

*Star* *BurstO* The all too thin cover pulled over*BurstO* I think "all to thin" might need some dashes.

*Star* *BurstO* She liked Kansas when she was a young girl, it was not crowded and stuffy like Boston. *BurstO* the comma should be a period.

*Star* *BurstO* Wide open fields and waving, golden crops; she thought that the woods and river were "romantic". *BurstO* A semi colon should connect two complete sentences. The first one here is not complete. Maybe you need a colon?

*Star* *BurstO* Lighting her kerosene lamp she began to read Scripture. It was Sunday after all and just because there wasn't any church nearby didn't mean she couldn't be righteous and observe the Sabbath.*BurstO* comma after "lamp" and "all"

*Star* *BurstO* She never liked Kansas, always wanting the Big City as if there was anything of value there. *BurstO* comma after "City"

*Star* *BurstO* summers.
She longed for him fiercely during the first two years. *BurstO* something wrong with the line break here.

*Star* *BurstO* Held in her grandmother's arms she smiled with delight while the picture was taken. *BurstO* comma after "arms"

*Star* *BurstO* the theater in town.'"

"Yes, I mustn't let Ben see me like this."*BurstO* You split this into two paragraphs, as though another person is speaking. It's still the same person and the same subject, though, so there is no need for this.

*Star* *BurstO* Crossing to the door, she threw it open expectation clear on her face.*BurstO* comma after "expectation"

*Star* *BurstO* "Look!" she said tossing it down on the table, there's your proof.*BurstO* Missing quotation marks

*Star* *BurstO* "I can't wait to see Ben." she stated,*BurstO* this period should be a comma.






Overall Opinion

*Star* Hopefully it's clear from the rest of my review that I was impressed by this story. The emotion, characterization, and atmosphere were beautifully developed. The only grammar/mechanical issues were minor. Well done. Write on!






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29
29
Review of I Am Not a Hero  
Review by Early
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today by your request. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* Your title is an instant hook. We want to know why he is not a hero and why he thinks he should be.

Beginning

*NoteB* Your first paragraph is spoken or thought by the main character. He denies that he is a hero and alludes to some horrible act that would convince people of this. I was hooked by it, of course. I wanted to know what he'd done and why people thought he was a hero to begin with. It did seem a little repetitious, though, in both ideas and words. This makes sense, since most people think repetitiously, but I feel like it could be a bit more concise.

Plot

*NoteB* The unnamed narrator, called the "chosen one" is part of a prophecy to overthrow a dark lord. This plot is much like many fantasies in some ways, except for the main character's cowardice and the unusual turn of events at the end. I really enjoyed the overall idea, and it was a fast read. I was drawn right along the stream of action.

Characters

*NoteB* No one was really developed in any detail, including the main character. I had no idea what anyone looked like, ages, or personalities aside from brave, evil or cowardly. For this reason it was hard to sympathize/empathize with the main character. This was an area with a lot of room for development.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* The style here felt very cramped and stymied. You have an epic fantasy crammed into far too short of a space. This was your main problem. I don't know if this was originally written with a word count limit, but in order to have any more complexity you will need to expand. I think a sweep for unneeded adverbs and adjectives would help clean it up a bit as well.

Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* You have some really excellent imagery. In my opinion, though, there is not enough of it. Most of the story is straightforward description of plot/events, with very few concrete visuals. When you do have them, you do them well. For example, the grisly image of "I watched his body slowly rip apart as his flesh unraveled."

Ending

*NoteB* You had a really excellent ending. We discover why he lied to everyone, and in a way we can understand it. I don't know if I'm just a coward at heart as well, but I really understood where he was coming from and pitied him.



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Line by Line Suggestion

**Most of these comments are quite nit-picky. The better a piece is, the more I hunt for ways to improve it. consequently, they are almost all opinion, so please take them in that light.

*NoteB* *XB* What would they think . . . what would they do, if they discovered I nearly cost them everything. *XB* This is a question, so use a question mark.

*NoteB* *XB* There were stories of the dark lord Kaltor.*XB* I'd add a comma after "lord", though I suspect this is one of those places you've chosen to omit the comma for flow.

Structurally, I couldn't quite make the jump from the narrator thinking in the first paragraph, to the random assertion that there were stories about this lord. Where is the connection? If you have simply switched scenes, it might be helpful for the reader to know it by an increase in spaces, stars, or some kind of marker. I wasn't sure when/where we were in the story, and it was disorienting.

*NoteB* *XB*While much of the original text had been lost, the remnants speak of Kaltor's banishment and how he would rise again. *XB* You switch tenses here. I think "spoke" would fit better.

*NoteB* *XB*The stars were aligning. The prophets saw this as a sign. Violent crimes were growing exponentially. Monarchies were rising and falling. Everything the Orness spoke of was coming true. The end was quickly approaching. All that remained was for champion of prophecies to come to light. *XB* These sentences are all quite short. You might try to mix it up to avoid the "rapid-fire" affect.

*NoteB* *XB*The details of my life matched up with the texts *XB* it might be good to give a few of these details.

*NoteB* *XB*He drilled it into me, making certain I understood how vital it is for the prophecy to occur exactly how it is written. *XB* tense change. Seems unnecessary.

*NoteB* *XB*And so I followed the guidance of the prophet*XB* eek, don't begin with a conjunction unless you can't help it or are using it as a stylistic tool.

*NoteB* *XB*Elryk....Ozryk*XB* These men are faceless and without personality.

*NoteB* *XB*I knew how important I was. I understood I had a destiny to fulfill. There was no one and nothing that could stand in my way . . . I was wrong. *XB* "I was wrong' feels a bit out of place and overly obvious. better to show than tell.

*NoteB* *XB*_For awhile, I lived up to their expectations. *XB*I think this should be 'a while" http://public.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/awhile.html

*NoteB* *XB*the day came to face the dark lord himself. Now I speak of the true reason for this chronicle; the day when everything I was became a lie. *XB*I think you can cut the narrator's aside here. It is again, overly obvious. "the day came to face the dark lord himself; the day when everything I was became a lie."

*NoteB* *XB*When we smashed through the heavy oaken doors*XB* I think you need a comma after "heavy", though again this may be an instance you've cut it for flow. However, I think you could also cut the word "heavy" here, since it is implied by the fact that the doors are "oaken" and that the men had to "smash" through it. It's usually a good idea to cut adjectives if you can, much like adverbs, to keep the writing concise.

*NoteB* *XB*Seated in a throne of midnight black *XB* Black what? What is this throne made of? Stone? Wood?

*NoteB* *XB*As we were about to clash, a single word sounded. Hold. *XB* Shouldn't the word be presented in quotation marks?

*NoteB* *XB*It couldn't have lasted longer then a few seconds . . . Maybe it was one of my talents; the gift of sight that allowed me to see it. Maybe it was one of Kaltor's tricks. Ozryk was struck . . . I still hear his voice every night, *XB* placing this reference to the future in the midst of the action is rather confusing. i think this could be structured better.

*NoteB* *XB*I watched his body slowly rip apart as his flesh unraveled. He exploded, his flesh and blood splattering everywhere. *XB* flesh repeats and you could cut the adverb "slowly" since we know this actually happening fast but is only slowed down for the narrator.

*NoteB* *XB* I heard the twin screams call out 'Oz'. *XB* Again, why describe this through the passive eyes of the narrator rather than using actual dialog?

*NoteB* *XB*grew angry as he realized I was doing nothing to avenge Ozryk. *XB* extra spaces


*NoteB* *XB*The men, inspired by his ferocity joined the charge.*XB* comma after "ferocity"

*NoteB* *XB* As I cowered away, Alryk screamed at me*XB* I don't know if you can "cower away". To cower means something like "cringe".

*NoteB* *XB*The dark lord continued to smile amused by it all.*XB* comma after "smile"

*NoteB* *XB*The dark lord stumbled backward and fell to his knees grabbing for the blade that pierced his chest. *XB* comma after "knees"

*NoteB* *XB*The blade would kill any man not meant to wield it. *XB* You've already told us this several times.

*NoteB* *XB*History must record me as the champion regardless of the facts.*XB* comma after "champion"

*NoteB* *XB*What would happen to me if they discovered the truth? I can almost see the looks on their faces. *XB* tense change. if we are suddenly in the present, make this a marked change, and begin a new paragraph with it.

*NoteB* *XB* It's not dying I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of what will be waiting for me on the other side. *XB* this comma should be a period




Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I really enjoyed reading this piece. It was a creative twist on an old theme, though a very depressing one. I did feel like there was a lot of room for development of character, imagery, and just general expansion. You cover such a broad time range that it feels rushed. Let me know if you do any revision and I'll be happy to take another look!





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30
30
Review of Haunted Corridors  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Do Not Go Gently" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*LeafBr* Your title is simple but descriptive. It gets the job done.

Beginning

*LeafBr* This is a little off topic, but organize your portfolio! lol. Just kidding, but I found it very difficult to decide what to read with no folders guiding me in genre or item type. Just a suggestion.

We open on the unnamed, unspecified narrator walking into an old tomb and having a hallucinatory experience. I really liked that you left the narrator open, as it becomes easy for the reader to step into their place in the story and experience it all first hand. The absence of narrator emotion and subjective description also aids this feeling.

Concept

*LeafBr* The narrator is in an old, royal tomb, and sees the ghosts of its creation all around him/her. We don't really know anything about the narrator, which is good in many ways. I did wonder why this person was in the tomb to begin with, though.

Style/Structure

*LeafBr* The only real structure seems to be the 10 syllable count meter and quatrains. You also have a propensity for alliteration. This was a very "classy" poetic structure. I wasn't so distracted by the form that I lost the meaning. In fact, I almost wanted to read it as prose instead.


Language and Imagery

*LeafBr* Your use of language and imagery was quite stunning at times. Two favorite lines were "marble-made, marvelous by moonlight." and "like waifs, like wind-blown autumnal leaves." I had no problem picturing/feeling what was happening to the narrator.


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Line by Line Suggestion

*LeafBr* *BurstG*walked into an old musty royal tomb*BurstG* I think you either need a comma after "old" or else cut that word. Mustiness is usually a sign of age, and most "royal" tombs are old. If the reader still doesn't get a sense of the tomb's age, the ending surely points it out. I do realize you need to keep your syllables at 10 per line, but I'm sure you could reword a bit to make it fit.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*The white of the walls shone whiter.
The dark crevices darkened further*BurstG* This is just personal preference, but I feel like the repetition of white and dark is a bit boring.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*The restless spirits of numerous artisans, *BurstG* The sentence beginning with this line is a run-on and I found myself skimming it to see when/if it ended. lol.

Overall Opinion

*LeafBr* I didn't mark you down for anything I considered to be a personal preference, but I did want to include the comments anyway. I absolutely loved your concept, your imagery, and your word choice. It's no wonder this poem was a prize-winner. The punctuation, though, drove me crazy. I can't abide inconsistent punctuation use or grammar in poems. To my mind, it should be correct, absent, or regular in some way. Yours is sometimes correct, sometimes used for emphasis, and sometimes absent. So if I were to suggest one thing, it would be to keep it consistent. Otherwise, this is excellent writing and I enjoyed the read!





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31
31
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Story Maker" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*TulipB* Your title is pretty clear cut. It isn't exactly gripping, but it doesn't need to be. I think something with a bit more whimsy might be fun, to show the personalty that comes out in your writing style.

Grammar

*TulipB* I'm not sure how important grammar and mechanics are to you in this piece. I've gone through with a fine toothed comb, so feel free to disregard if it's too much.


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Line by Line Suggestion

*TulipB* *Vine1* After getting some replies to this article, I realize I need to update this article on a regular basis.*Vine2* article repeats

*TulipY* *Vine1* I will do my best to address every rules I can.*Vine2* typo on "rule"

*TulipP* *Vine1* Take in mind, that I don't own a copy of books like The Chicago Manual of Style, nor do I own The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.*Vine2* You've mixed "Take into consideration" with "Keep in mind" here.

*TulipO* *Vine1* Here's what I look for in my own work that I apply to others:*Vine2* This could be clearer. "Here is what I look for in my own revisions, and try to apply in my reviews for others" or something like that.

*TulipR* *Vine1* Some writers are so intent on avoid run-ons*Vine2* avoiding

*TulipB* *Vine1* separating one sentence in to many. *Vine2* into

*TulipY* *Vine1* If as a set of fresh eyes, your reviewers are not distracted by obvious mistakes,*Vine2* comma after "if"

*TulipP* *Vine1* You may not catch every single mistake and I assure you, if you write enough you won't, but that doesn't negate the value of self-editing.*Vine2*run-on


Overall Opinion

*TulipY* I thought you offered tons of really useful information in this article. Many of these issues are things I look for in my own revisions, and some are issues I couldn't quite put a name to, but noticed in other works. An example is your comment of "afterthoughts". Those have cropped up in a few stories I've read, and I couldn't quiet think of how to bring it up to the author. Thank you!

*TulipY* "Every mistake you catch is one less for your reviewers to find. If as a set of fresh eyes, your reviewers are not distracted by obvious mistakes, they'll be able to focus on important corrections and advice. " Ideally this is true, though in practice I find it just makes way for a lot of fluff reviews. There are some reviewers, however, who will only review works that are free of all or most grammatical and mechanical issues. These are also (often) reviewers that have the most interesting comments. I find them to be few and far between, though.

*TulipY* The structure of this article was a bit off-putting. Paragraphs 2-4 seem like enormous, difficult to read, lists. There is a reason the books you mentioned in the beginning are so useful. They are formated in a manageable way. You might consider using the writing html codes to make this more accessible. use bullets, colors, and bold words more, and separate things into sections. It doesn't matter how great the information or how good the story, if no one reads it.

*TulipY* I think you could and should dedicate an entire segment to overuse of adverbs and adjectives. It is hard to explain why writers should avoid these things, but in my opinion, underemphasized. A few other points to hit might be cliche phrases or stock phrases. Then again, maybe I should just write my own article, lol.

*TulipY* I couldn't help but disagree with your advice to not critically review items riddled with errors. It is my feeling that writers post their work here to get those reviews, and will either learn from them or not. The embarrassment of being called out on enormous amounts of typos should fuel their desire to edit. Many authors who revise such reviews do no work on their writing anyway. I'm not saying reviewers should attack such writing, but there are diplomatic ways to point out errors, even in excess.




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Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Do Not Go Gently" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I'm a librarian, so the title was an instant draw from me *Smile*. I think you can leave off "a short story", though. It is implied by the format and is also stated in your description.

Beginning

*NoteB* The formatting is a real deterrent for this piece. You have neither line breaks nor indentations, so the story is like one solid block of text.
*NoteB* You spend too much time setting up the action and conflict in the beginning. You should start with him finding the girl in the cubical, and work the backstory and detail in after that. We get a lot of information that doesn't advance the plot or develop the character much. It isn't really relevant that his mom wanted him to join the tutoring program. Try to spend more time developing his personality and physical characteristics.

Concept

*NoteB* I was a bit unclear on what this piece was really about. From what I could tell, a young man in engineering school goes to his library desk, and finds a girl there. She won't let him sit down, and seduces him with a few sentences. He blindly follows her back to her room and she drugs him. For me this wasn't a very engaging plot. The main character is completely flat, and has no thoughts, opinions, or words of his own. Literally all he says is “Wha, why, huh?” I do think that a few revisions would could make a huge difference, though.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* You have a lot of repetition and unclear wording. The best way to find this is to read your piece aloud.

Grammar

*NoteB* The biggest issues are run-on sentences, improper paragraphing, and missing commas. You also have some misspelled words and fragment sentences.
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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Jen messed up my whole life, she was amazing. *XB* These should be two separate sentences.

*NoteB* *XB* Not in the kind of way that people moon over another person just because they are kind of pretty or buff or just smile at them. *XB* The wording here is vague and confusing. Not what in the kind of way that people.... It also has a lot of extra words like "or, just, kind of..." a possible rewording would be something like " Not the kind of amazing where someone is just attractive, or friendly" obviously you will need to word in in a way that fits your personal style as well as being decipherable to readers.

*NoteB* *XB*She could leave you in stunned silence just by smiling.*XB* you switch from first person (I) to second person (you) here. Try to keep it in one point of view, especially since it's so short, to avoid confusing the reader.

*NoteB* *XB*The day I met her, I was in the library. My mother was always telling me ... *XB* Try to avoid using "was" unless you really have to. It is a non-descriptive verb, which can weigh down your sentences. "I met her in the library. My mother always told me ..." This way you can keep it all in the simple past tense, which is easier to read.

*NoteB* *XB*My mother was always telling me that I could meet nice girls in the library and telling me to go to the library and torturing me to meet a nice girl. *XB* This is a run-on sentence. Break it up, simplify, or reword it, like "My mother always insisted there were nice girls in libraries, and that I should go to tutoring programs to meet them. "

*NoteB* *XB* I didn't want to meet a nice girl, I wanted to get in to med school, save some lives, drive a BMW. *XB* This should be two sentences, split at the first comma. Otherwise it's a run-on. You also need "and" after "lives,"

*NoteB* *XB*I study all the time and the literature section of an engineering school is a very quite, very private place. *XB* You change to present tense here out of the blue. a comma is needed after "time". Cut the second 'very" You have the word "quite" but you need "quiet"

*NoteB* *XB*My school is a quiet one, except*XB* Isn't this nearly what you said in the above sentence? You have the word "quite" but you need "quiet"

*NoteB* *XB*The library is old with a huge circular central atrium that rises through the dark wood and wrought iron to a stunning stained glass expanse that I never would have noticed if it weren't for Jen. *XB* run-on sentence and missing commas

*NoteB* *XB*That day we met my eyes weren't drawn up.*XB* comma after "met" This was kind of confusing. First you talk about the ceiling, but then you say the character wasn't looking up.

*NoteB* *XB*Instead they traced the patrician lines of the carpeting as I made my way to the cubby I had claimed my Freshmen year and had held unchallenged until the moment I found her there.*XB* run-on

*NoteB* *XB*They swallowed me and I followed her out and down the hill and up to her room. *XB* This sentence has way too many different actions in it. It's like writing "I got on a bike, and went to the park, and ate ice cream". You should either show more, slowly, or take out the bits that don't matter.

*NoteB* *XB* “I have been watching you all year, I am in every one of your classes, and you haven’t looked at me once.*XB* This should be two sentences.
*NoteB* *XB*She followed and brushed my lips with her neck, she smelled like morning. *XB* This should be two sentences
*NoteB* *XB*I nodded and she messed up my whole life, she is amazing. *XB* run-on





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* A story this short is more like a poem than a short story in many ways. Every word must count, and sentences should be as concise and descriptive as possible. I think this piece needs a few more revisions for the grammatical and mechanical issues. I also think you could structure the plot more effectively by beginning with conflict and cutting details that don't advance plot, character, or atmosphere. Let me know if you revise and I'll be happy to take another look!





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Review of Hollow Melody  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Bioluminescence " . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I was drawn in by the title. Melodies are not typical seen as physical, so they can't be hollow or solid. I was interested to see if this would be explained figuratively.

Beginning

*NoteB* Your description should be two sentences.

Concept

*NoteB* This poem is meant to explain and give meaning to your handle. What I took from it was that you were depressed, lol. I was a bit confused, because it was a very melancholy piece, essentially saying that the hollow melody was soulless and broken. If it's meant to explain your name, then it is not especially inspiring. As a separate poem, I can appreciate the sad beauty of the words, however.

Structure

*NoteB* You have off-rhyming couplets. I like this better than straight up, perfect rhyme because if feels more like real speech but still has flow.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*A noise so wrong. *XB* the word "so" is vague and meaningless. If you were saying "so wrong that.." it would make more sense.

*NoteB* *XB*A sound so remote,*XB* see above





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This was an interesting, well worded poem. I think if you were to edit, you could attempt a bit more clarity of meaning. Is this poem meant to explain the words in your name, or you? Why would you pick that name, if it didn't describe you. Write on!





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Review of Big Brown Eyes  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Thorn Tower" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* There is nothing wrong with your title, but you might try for something with more of a hook. Your title should usually make the reader wonder about something so they want to read the story. The words do not necessarily need to be pulled from your poem, either. If you did want to do that, however, examples might be "One Look" or "My weakness". Both of those possible titles make the reader think "one look did what?" "What is her weakness?"

Beginning

*NoteB* Your description should have mostly correct grammar and punctuation, or you risk scaring off potential reviewers before they ever open the poem. Capitalize "a" and "I" and add a period.

Concept

*NoteB* Brown eyes have been the subject of many songs and poems. I prefer blue....lol. But Your sentiment is very sweet and simple. I could easily see the intensity of this person's crush.

Structure

*NoteB* A better format for your poem would be to add a line break after every period (just press enter). Your rhyme scheme is AA/BB/ CDE. I wasn't really sure if the last line was part of the poem or just a note.

Grammar

*NoteB* You need to add in apostrophes and capitalization where appropriate. You also need at least one space after each period.

Ending

*NoteB* As I said, I wasn't really sure where this poem ended. I would end it at "fly", since the last line seems more like an explanation. You could have that as your description, instead.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Your Big Brown Eyes*XB* Don't capitalize "Big Brown Eyes" in your first line. Rules are lose in poetry, but you should only break them if you have a reason for it.

*NoteB* *XB* weekness.Cant forget*XB* you need a space after the period and an apostrophe in "Can't"

*NoteB* *XB*_ sweetness.You *XB* you need a space

*NoteB* *XB*eart.Put it away*XB* missing space

*NoteB* *XB*cart.It only*XB* you need a space

*NoteB* *XB*look.Your big *XB* missing space

*NoteB* *XB*feel i could fly*XB* capitalize the i





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Your poem was very cute and perfectly acceptable. To take it to the next level, you'll need to edit. It is generally better to avoid cliches and stock phrases, so you are forced to say things in newer ways. An example of this is "feel I could fly". Love is often compared to flying, so why not look for another, original comparison? I liked your quirky bit about the shopping cart. Let me know if you edit and I'll revise my rating.





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Review of Darkness Awaits  
Review by Early
In affiliation with The Scribes  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Do Not Go Gently" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*SuitClub* I liked your title. It immediately sets up conflict and foreboding.

Beginning

*SuitSpade* You begin by saying we all have dreams, list a few kinds, and say 'this" is a nightmare. I assume you mean the story to come, though it really wasn't clear. I was then left wondering if you meant it was literally all a dream or if it was just a really bad situation. A few of my comments reflect this confusion. If it is a dream, then a lot of the background we get on the house seems out of place. When I have a dream, I never dream of backstory. If it isn't a dream, a lot of the description is too vague, as though you are outside of it looking in.


Plot

*SuitClub* A man buys a house built on open foundation. There are noises coming from the basement and he goes down to investigate. The "just a dream" excuse wasn't really needed here. If you just had the entire story without it being a dream, i felt it would have been much stronger.

Characters

*SuitSpade* The main/only character didn't have much development as far as personality. He seemed like he could have been anyone. We didn't even get an age or hair color.


Style/Voice

*SuitClub* Parts of this were really humorous. My favorite was the "let me assure you I’m not an axe murderer" approach I like the undercurrent of dry humor.

Setting

*SuitSpade* I think a bit more smell/sounds/feels would make the dream feel more realistic.
Grammar

*SuitClub* The biggest problems I saw were run-on sentences, parallelism issues, lack of proper paragraphing, and missing commas. I felt like these issues really hindered the reading.


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Line by Line Suggestion

*SuitSpade* We all have dreams, some silly or sexual or serious.*SuitClub* I think you could cut the "or" after "silly" and replace with a comma. Also a comma after "sexual".

*SuitSpade* Just ordinary by most standards as it had 3 bedrooms, 11/2 baths, and kitchen...you know, a listing in everyday papers.*SuitClub* Try to cut extra words and keep sentences clear. "Ordinary by most standards, with its 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, and kitchen. The kind you see advertised in newspapers.".

*SuitSpade*They had kept the original foundation of oversized boulders, dug from some deep pit quarry from somewhere or other, places nobody knew, remembered or cared about.*SuitClub* don't tell us we don't need to care about the boulders. If they aren't important, just leave the information out and end at "boulders".
*SuitSpade* The basement / foundation was hugh in its capacity*SuitClub* two typos here

*SuitSpade* and no contractor would even entertain the idea and cost of trying to remove or reshape it in any way. *SuitClub* It seems a bit hard to believe that not only would no one do this job, no one would even think about it. I mean, contractors would deal with this kind of thing a lot, I would think.

*SuitSpade* I had been living there for a while, or must've been as all things above ground had a warm and familiar feel to me. *SuitClub* How would the character not know if they'd been living somewhere?
*SuitSpade* raising the hairs on the back of my neck and left me with a guarded sensation. *SuitClub* You have a parallelism issue here. Either "raised the hairs....and left me..." or "raising the hairs...and leaving me..." The verbs must agree. Comma after "neck".

*SuitSpade* Naturally, the long and hollow size of the basement would pick up and amplify sounds from sources unknown, or so I reasoned when I heard unfamiliar noises traveling up from below.*SuitClub* The action needs to happen before we get his reaction. this happens several times. First he needs to hear the noise, then explain it away. otherwise the reader is left very confused.

*SuitSpade* To add to the effect, the mechanics that handled water, heat and cooling were also located below and every switch or motor could be clearly heard, as if you were standing right next to them. *SuitClub* This is a run-on sentence. try to read it aloud in one breath. It's difficult. End the sentence at "below" and start a new one with "every". This occurs frequently.
*SuitSpade* This, obviously was not my favorite part of the building, but with the right price offered and the thought of ample storage below made the deal hard to resist.*SuitClub* cut "with"

*SuitSpade* house warming party *SuitClub* housewarming

*SuitSpade* Some were quiet as a whisper while others were loud and animated; gestures made with hands to show how big or fast something were. *SuitClub* comma after "whisper"
*SuitSpade* Always though, there were two that stayed separate from the crowd with eyes darting about, jumping when someone bumped them or in particular forced them close to the stairwell in the kitchen.*SuitClub* ru-on, comma needed after "always"

*SuitSpade* Since they didn't seem familiar to me I surmised these must be the neighbors from down the road and went to greet them with my best "welcome me to the neighborhood" face.*SuitClub* comma after " ...to me". I don't think "'welcome me to the enighborhood" face' makes much sense.

*SuitSpade* I gave them the "warm approach", then the "let me assure you I’m not an axe murderer" approach by talking about my history of work and places lived and finally the quiz show questions to them about their lives, offering prizes such as dip and chips or grilled meat on a stick. *SuitClub* run-on sentence.
*SuitSpade* or in a witness protection to clam up this way*SuitClub* missing word "program" after "protection", otherwise, cut "a"

*SuitSpade* At last and to my surprise, it was the two neighbors, Frank, Josh and I. *SuitClub* confusing wording and sentence structure. "To my surprise, my taciturn neighbors, Frank and Josh, were last to leave. " might be a better way to word it, though not perfect. Since this a group of neighbors, and you don't tell us the two he was speaking with before were named Frank and Josh, you need to specify.

*SuitSpade* good cop bad cop.... third degree*SuitClub* phrases like these are known as "stock phrases", or cliches. To maintain originality, try to avoid them.
*SuitSpade* Each man looked at each other and a long pause happened before Frank spoke up.*SuitClub* "Each man looked at the other"

*SuitSpade* We came over to check you out and maybe give you some advice about this place. " I was thinking over what they were saying but kept coming back to the same thought. *SuitClub* Since one character stops talking, and another one begins thinking, you need a paragraph break. This happens a lot throughout the piece.

*SuitSpade* "These guys are probably trying to pull a scam;*SuitClub* thoughts should be in italics, not quotes.
*SuitSpade* the house slid and I mean SLID sideways.*SuitClub* to show emphasis, use character reactions. Do not bold an entire word. What else would he mean than slid?

*SuitSpade* I gathered my nerve (more like annoyed)*SuitClub* This didn't make sense to me.
*SuitSpade* I’m sure it could substitute as a tanning bed if you had to.*SuitClub* tanning lamp might make more sense here.

*SuitSpade* I squeezed thru the hole and the chamber within.*SuitClub* through

*SuitSpade*For unknown reasons I went down that path, human curiosity for the most part, not wanting to go back into the basement for the second part. *SuitClub* parallelism issue with the most part/the second part
*SuitSpade* Things were clawing and bumping into me, Things unseen but I knew was there. . *SuitClub* the second "things" shouldn't be capitalized, and "were there" instead of "was"

*SuitSpade* I fought my way thru, *SuitClub* through


Overall Opinion

*SuitClub*I think you have a very scary idea here, but it needs a lot of revision. Let me know if you edit.




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Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "The Burden" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* I loved your title. It could be taken both literally and figuratively, as could many parts of your "conversation".

Beginning

*NoteB* We open onto a nameless, faceless speaker, holding a conversation with a "dragon" in the dark. I liked that you left out all description, because it made it feel like we really were in the dark. I was hooked by the novelty of the situation and your unusual formatting.

Concept

*NoteB* The speaker is asking the dragon how it lives its life without the fear of being forgotten, being alone, illness... all of the things people throughout the centuries have worried about. The dragon tells the speaker to come with it, so that he/she will not have to fear these things. I felt like this could be interpreted many ways. perhaps the dragon really is a dragon, and perhaps it's going to eat the speaker. in that scenario, the person would certainly not have to worry about most of his/her former fears.
Perhaps the dragon is metaphorical, or is really the speaker's own mind, solving its own problems.
Or perhaps the dragon is going to sweep the speaker away to another kind of world and life. it's hard to say, with so little information. I liked how little you gave us.

Structure

*NoteB* i felt sure that there was a reason you have this structured so strangely. If it's meant to form a picture, I must be missing it. Otherwise, the no's that the dragon answers are a little distractingly placed.

Grammar

*NoteB* No major problems here that i could find.

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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*What do you fear?
The most present danger. *XB* This part jarred a bit with the rest of the conversation for me. The dragon does have fears, of the most present danger, but the speaker continues as though the dragon said it feared nothing.

*NoteB* *XB*How, how can you not worry?*XB* I didn't think the repetition of "how" really added anything, and it upset the flow.

*NoteB* *XB*...
No. Everyone dies. *XB* It seemed like these should be on the same line.






Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Lovely little piece. It's the kind of writing that makes you think, even if you never end up at the right conclusion. Let me know if I've misunderstood something, or if you edit.





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37
Review by Early
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Do Not Go Gently" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* The title drew me in because of its contradiction. A fallen sparrow can't fly. I was looking for an explanation in the poem, but I wasn't sure if I got it. Was the "flight' referencing her ascendence into heaven/the afterlife? It's a somewhat unusual idea for birds to go to heaven. They aren't animals I'd typically relate to, though you did a lovely job making me feel for this specific one.

Structure

*NoteB*
You have a rhyming couplet structure, though there is no set meter. I think that establishing a set syllable count for each line, even if it is in a pattern instead of one overall, would help the flow of this piece.

You have very sporadic capitalization. You should either capitalize the first letter of each line, or follow regular capitalization rules. I recommend the later for this piece.

Ending

*NoteB* You end with an image of the sparrow passing on, possibly to heaven from your use of "the light". It was a bittersweet ending. I wasn't clear on if this was a real sparrow and if it was a pet or wild. There were indications both ways.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*‘Cross rivers that link and seas that divide; *XB* "that" is a weak word, which clogs up good writing. It's best to cut it wherever possible, although in this case it would mean rewording for rhythm. You could have "‘Cross linking rivers and seas that divide", which would get rid of at least one.

*NoteB* *XB*birds and animals big and small.*XB* Nothing specifically wrong with this line, but it feels a bit cliche and is much like "all creatures great and small" from the well-known "Maker of Heaven and Earth" poem.

*NoteB* *XB*to the frightened flitting fawn,*XB* comma after "frightened"

*NoteB* *XB*A great, but friendly, grizzly bear *XB* I don't really see grizzly bears as friendly, even to each other. I've watched a few documentaries on them, and while they are beautiful, they aren't congenial.

*NoteB* *XB*and even the odd scuttling hare. *XB*comma after "odd"

*NoteB* *XB*So it wouldn’t feel ’lone and far.*XB* "'lone" feels very forced.

*NoteB* *XB*With great warmth in her little heart
the sparrow played a poignant part,*XB* comma after "heart"

*NoteB* *XB*By Fate’s Cruel Hand it was thrown.*XB* why is this capitalized? comma after "hand"

*NoteB* *XB*Wounded she fell, and there she lay,*XB* comma after "wounded"

*NoteB* *XB*bringing home joys from the ride. *XB* the word "ride" seems odd, since sparrows are moving themselves, and not flying.

*NoteB* *XB*Her body bowed, yet she walked tall.*XB* I don't think she could physically do both. It's like saying, despite being seated, she stood tall.

*NoteB* *XB*‘Twas not to be – not in this world,
A sudden gust around her swirled -
Carrying her off in one fell swoop,
Set her free from this earthly coop*XB* The rhythm sounds off here.

*NoteB* *XB*soar toward the Light, *XB* why capitalize "light"?




Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I loved the imagery you have for this bird and it is clearly an emotional topic. I was looking for a little more clarity on if the bird was wild or a pet, or even real. To really make this a polished piece, you need to take a fine-toothed comb to your capitalization and commas. Try to eliminate cliche or stock phrases, of which you have many, and find a consistent meter so the flow is stronger. Please let me know if you edit and I'll be glad to take another look.





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38
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "The Burden" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* The title was what made me want to read this piece. It reminded me of "Girl with the Pearl Earring" in structure, a painting and novel I particularly enjoy (not that your story is at all related).

Beginning

*NoteB* We start with Bill driving through a snowstorm on his way to his brother's wedding. He gets lost and his car breaks down when he decides to go down a country road in an effort to skirt the storm. In a movie, that wold be where an audience yells "don't do it!".

Plot
*NoteB* The conflict itself is very predictable. We know as soon as we read that Bill is driving in a snowstorm, that he's going to break down and get stuck in it. After that, though, it takes a lovely, haunting turn.
*NoteB* You never really tell us why Bill chose to drive instead of flying with the rest of his family.
*NoteB* It seemed to me like he should have had more frostbite if it was cold enough to make him hallucinate so quickly and freeze his gas line.


Characters

*NoteB* Bill is just an average guy who likes to paint landscapes, from what I could tell. To take this story up a level, you might try personalizing him a bit more. I was relieved that he lived, but I didn't feel any particular connection to him.

Grammar

*NoteB* Missing commas were the only consistent problem I saw. I've pulled out places in the line by line that need one.

Ending

*NoteB* While the ending was not a disappointment, I couldn't help but want just a bit more from it. Maybe it's just the horror writer in me that can't stand a happy ending.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*For crying out loud, it's April, Bill thought as he drove through a swirl of white. *XB*The first comma might be stronger as an exclamation mark. Then add a comma after "thought"

*NoteB* *XB*He held the steering wheel in a death grip and barely kept the car from sliding into a ditch. *XB* comma after "grip"

*NoteB* *XB*had been fun until he had driven into this icebox otherwise known as North Dakota. *XB*comma after "icebox"

*NoteB* *XB*Bill was used to snow but he didn't have much experience driving in it. *XB*comma after "snow"

*NoteB* *XB*When the weather was bad he either stayed indoors or took the bus. *XB*comma after "bad"

*NoteB* *XB*Travel in this area will become more difficult throughout the day and motorists are asked to use extreme caution." *XB*comma after "day"

*NoteB* *XB*"Thanks a lot buddy, but I already figured that out," *XB*comma after "lot"

*NoteB* *XB*Center of what? he thought. It's more like the middle of nowhere. *XB* I can see the play on worlds your making here, but to me it doesn't quite work.

*NoteB* *XB*He had not met a single car since he had turned north and there were no farms or buildings in sight. *XB*comma after "north"

*NoteB* *XB* Images of himself buried in the car under a mountain of snow poured into his mind. *XB* This is just one image, actually.

*NoteB* *XB*He turned and looked for his car but it was no longer visible, swallowed by the white void. *XB*comma after "car"

*NoteB* *XB* He was lying in bed covered with a red and blue flannel comforter his grandmother had made for him when he was six. *XB*comma after "bed"

*NoteB* *XB*Bill's head began spinning crazily *XB*you could cut "crazily". Adverbs clog up writing and take the place of strong, descriptive verbs. In this case, "spinning" needs no more description.

*NoteB* *XB*He was in a four-poster bed covered with quilts and blankets *XB*comma after "bed"

*NoteB* *XB* She was about fifty with short curly blonde hair and warm brown eyes *XB*comma after "fifty" and "short"

*NoteB* *XB* We called 911 but the weather was too bad for the ambulance to go out. *XB* comma after '911"





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I really enjoyed this bittersweet supernatural tale. It was even better because it was based on a historical figure who was so brave and so young.





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39
39
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Do Not Go Gently" .
All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if
there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions
that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*LeafBr* The title is a bit ironic, but it also gives a lot away about your story. We immediately suspect events will go poorly, and they do.

Beginning

*LeafBr* While you do begin with vivid description of how terrible and disgusting this character self admittedly is, it would be stronger to just show these things through actions and words.

Plot/Characters

*LeafBr* A drunk man leaves a bar, thinking about the car accident that killed his wife and child. His distraction leads him to walk out in front of traffic and cause another accident. This was a very short and simple plot. I thought it could have been drawn out more. I had no reason to sympathize with this character. His wife and child died, but I didn't know anything about them except that the child could sing and the wife was pretty. The man is, by his own admission, a terrible person. We spend the first few paragraphs hearing about how awful he is, but there is nothing to really support this in his actions. he just seems drunk and possibly owes people money. I think you need a bit more characterization and backstory to make this plot effective.

Style/Voice

*LeafBr* Your style is rich with sensory details, but a bit wordy and adverb laden. This ruins the flow of the reading and breaks the "dream" of the story.

Setting

*LeafBr* I found the setting confusing. At first i thought it was set way back in history, possibly in a tavern, because the bartender is paid with "a few coins" and the man is using the Black Death in his descriptions. The we suddenly find out that there is a car accident involved and I was really thrown.

Grammar

*LeafBr* You are exceptionally adverb happy in this piece. It is always better to use a strong/descriptive verb than to use a weak one and an adverb. For example, "He walked quickly" becomes "he jogged" "he hurried"... make your verb do the work. A good way to catch these is to do a find "ly" on your writing. I pulled out a few examples in the line by line, but there are at least 16.

A few places are confusing because of run-on sentences and convoluted wording. Try reading aloud to catch these errors.



Ending

*LeafBr* While your ending had an ironic feeling and a sort of poetic justice, I was left wondering if this was some kind of time warp where he caused his own family's demise, or if history was just repeating itself.


-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*LeafBr* *BurstG*My gaunt face was accented with a long, crooked nose. My lips were twisted into a grotesque semblance of a grin, and my short, ragged breaths smelled strongly of ale.
*BurstG*"my" is too repetitive here. It makes the paragraph flow slow way down and feel a bit tedious. Try restructuring, such as "A crooked nose and grotesque semblance of a grin accented my face. My breath reeked of ale." This solves the additional problems of passive language, where the action is being received, and also changes the adverb "strongly" and weak verb "smelled" to a more descriptive verb "reeked".

*LeafBr* *BurstG* slowly polluting it *BurstG* cut the unneeded adverb

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Decency and honor are lost treasures in a vast sea of unscrupulousness and malicious intent, and corruption gleamed in my bloodshot eyes.*BurstG* You change to present tense "is" from past "was" here, which is a bit confusing. The second part of the sentence seems like it should be its own sentence.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*All the hint of the animal-like cunning had disappeared from me after the third cup, and, onto the table I threw a few coins, which the sour bartender quickly snatched up.*BurstG* "All hints of..." sounds a bit better. Also, I think of people as cunning, not animals. This sentence has a bit of a run-on feel to it and some awkward passive wording. A possible edit might be "All hints of cunning had disappeared after my third cup. I threw a few coins onto the table, which the sour bartender snatched up."

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Staggering drunkenly*BurstG* we already know he's drunk, so you could cut "drunkenly"

*LeafBr* *BurstG*ignoring the hate filled eyes*BurstG*hate-filled

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Although the lethargic effects of alcohol still held my mind in its cold embrace, I sighed inwardly. Everyone hated me these days.*BurstG* overly complex wording. Also, why would his drunkenness keep him from sighing? You should make it clear you mean that his thought process isn't dampened enough to miss the danger.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Wanly, I smiled optimistically.*BurstG* Did he smile wanly or optimistically? It can't really be both. Better to say "I smirked" or "I grinned"...

*LeafBr* *BurstG*At first, we were hesitant, but upon hearing her sing, our doubts vanished. *BurstG* who is this we/our



Overall Opinion

*LeafBr* I think this is a strong start for your story, but it needs more development and refining of the language. Please let me know if you revise and I'll be happy to take another look.





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40
40
Review of Alzheimers Lament  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Thorn Tower" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Your title is an integral part of the poem. Without it, the meaning becomes vague and less poignant.

Beginning

*NoteB* Your first two lines had me worried this was going in a star wars direction "in a galaxy...", since it has a similar structure and rhythm. The stanza is rescued by your second two lines, which provide vivid imagery and set us up for the subject.

Concept

*NoteB* This is a portrait of Alzheimer's, and how those afflicted might perceive their lives and symptoms. It's an emotionally loaded subject and is relevant to a growing number of people.

Structure

*NoteB* The uneven rhyme scheme was a bit awkward at times. As it is, it is set up like A B C C/ D E D E/ F F G G/ H I J I. There is no discernible pattern or set syllables per line. I found this interrupted the flow of words, especially when read out loud.


Ending

*NoteB* The second to last line felt weak to me.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*No more sweetness on the rose.*XB* I didn't catch your meaning here. Maybe "in" the rose?


Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This was a well edited, hard hitting poem about a serious disease. I think you dealt with it in a truthful but vivid manner. Aside from some vague wording and the uneven structure, I didn't see much room for improvement. Write on!





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41
41
Review of short story  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (1.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Thorn Tower" and Review of "Do Not Go Gently" .
All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if
there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions
that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*LeafBr* Your title is nonexistent, its place taken by your story type (Short Story). I assume this is because you are still working on yours.

Beginning

*LeafBr* The beginning sentence is very hard to understand. You use alliteration to the extreme and your wording is convoluted, though visually stunning once decoded. Why is he wearing corals?

Plot

*LeafBr* As far as I could tell, this story was about a God from outer-space. He conquers the unnamed native people of this land and deposes their former ruler (called Onirigbo). I was unaware of any conflict or rising action in this piece. It seemed like a scene from a longer work and didn't stand alone well.

Characters

*LeafBr* There are three main characters:
1-Ginuwa, the alien God.
2-Onirigbo, the former ruler.
3-Dibie, the oracle.


The new God was portrayed as confident to the point of arrogance. We don't get much more development than that. Onirigbo was defeated and melancholy. I was most interested by him, since he seemed the only one to have any kind of conflict. Dibie was portrayed as in league with Ginuwa and servile. I would have liked more physical description of these characters and more personality development. What motivates them?



Style/Voice

*LeafBr* The style of writing here is far more suited to a poetic format than a short story. The language was too lyrical and obscure for extended reading. Your punctuation was also used very loosely, with little regard for meaning. Some of the language seemed deliberately elephantine, such as "ubiquitous", "luxuriant",

Setting

*LeafBr* The setting was a palace, briefly but vividly described in your opening. Although I felt the wording was a little awkward at times, it is in your descriptions that the poetic language used really shines.

Grammar

*LeafBr* Main points to work on are sentence structure, commas, punctuation and clarity of meaning. I've pulled out examples in the line by line.

Ending

*LeafBr* You end with Ginuwa watching Onirigbo leave his former palace. There is a quiet dignity in this part which I really enjoyed.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Ginuwa graced his gaits gaily*BurstG* a little too much alliteration here. It was distracting and made your meaning obscure.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Silence! As absolute as the grave, only punctuated by booming of feet and pounding of many a frightened heart – stilled the humid tropical air.*BurstG* This is an incomplete sentence and doesn't really make sense. If the sound of booming feet can be heard, it is far from silent, much less as silent as death.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Hieroglyphics signs of long forgotten symbolism littered the palace floor and walls. *BurstG* Hieroglyphics (signs of long forgotten symbolism) littered the palace floor and walls.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*The ancestral archetypes had been exterminated in a war with the gods from outer space who visited Warri eons ago. *BurstG* comma after "space"

*LeafBr* *BurstG* father: “you shall go*BurstG* father: “You shall go

*LeafBr* *BurstG*In the midst of his men Ginuwa’s bulk stood out.*BurstG* You already used "bulk" to describe him a few lines up, so it seems a bit repetitive. Also, add a comma after "men"

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Dibie, the son of Ogiefa, a descendant of Orunmila, who descended from the heavens in a fiery craft, in order to wage war with the aborigines of Warri, was the brain of his gang.*BurstG* run-on sentence

*LeafBr* *BurstG*“In the minds battle many wars are wrought.*BurstG* “In the mind's battle, many wars are wrought.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Son, few ever lead to the soul’s fever.*BurstG* I found the meaning in this line unclear. What is the soul's fever?

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Dibie was still entranced in the words of his oracle, when like a rusty metallic gong ‘good day Sirs’, the silence was broken.*BurstG* Confusing sentence structure and wording.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Like new wine in new wine skin, Dibie’s wisdom brims to the surface like the vibrant lather of a detergent in soft water*BurstG* missing "a" after "in". You switch from past to present tense here. This story is not set in a time period or world where detergent would exist, so comparing things to it doesn't quite work.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*“we have meandered through snaky water ways*BurstG*waterways

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Since we are matrilineal we have to come to a compromise, my daughter, Esilokun shall be your wife to continue my lineage in your seed, so that together we shall be one people. *BurstG* Since we are matrilineal, we have to come to a compromise my daughter, Esilokun. She shall be your wife, and continue my lineage with your seed, so that together we shall be one people."

*LeafBr* *BurstG*As Dibie's eyes met Ginuwa’s he said - “we have moved from glory to glory”. *BurstG* As Dibie's eyes met Ginuwa’s he said,“we have moved from glory to glory”.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*When they looked out for the Onirigbo, he was not found he had faced the direction of the setting sun seeking a new home. *BurstG* When they looked out for the Onirigbo, he was not found. He had gone the direction of the setting sun, seeking a new home.


Overall Opinion

*LeafBr* Certainly there is potential for an interesting and beautiful story here. However, the language, format, grammar, mechanics and plot all need refining. I had a lot of trouble understanding what was going on and had to reread over and over to make sense of it. Please don't be discouraged by this review or rating. I think you have some strong aspects of your writing that are quite original and stunning. Let me know if you do any editing and I'll be happy to revise my rating.





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42
42
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today after reading both parts of the prologue.
All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if
there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions
that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----

Beginning

*LeafBr* We begin with a whole new cat of characters, which I found difficult after enjoying the last set so much. They are endearing, however, and I was soon sucked back into the story. You mention this chapter needs editing and is only up o people interested in reading more can do so. It is very difficult to read this, however, due to the errors. Even quick spellcheck and read through will help.

Plot

*LeafBr* It was hard to latch onto any clear plot from this chapter. We know it takes place after what happened to the scholar in the prologue and my best guess is that Dameon's interaction with the weapon is somehow related to the same anomaly that she found.

Characters

*LeafBr* We have three main characters so far, all students of some kind. Natila is some kind of princess who seems to be the leader and is a bit bossy. Ikaru is half wolf and is the smallest and most precocious. Dameon might end up the main character. He charges into battle first and is the only one who interacted with a museum artifact. I really enjoyed reading about these three.

Style/Voice

*LeafBr* You have a very descriptive style, which is excellent overall but can get a little dense in spots. The ending is written in some sort of shortened formating, which is hard to follow and jarring. I assume this is only because you were rushing to get it all down.

Setting/Imagery

*LeafBr* I found the description of clothing/appearance a bit overwhelming at times. I wasn't sure it was necessary for me to know exactly what outfit the wolf-eared boy was wearing.

Grammar

*LeafBr* Most of your grammar trouble comes from trying to stuff too much information into one sentence. You end up connecting information that does not relate and would be clearer in its own sentence. This leads to run-ons, comma issues, and confusing word order.

Adverbs are overabundant in this piece. Try to cut them and replace them with stronger verbs. For example, "walked quickly" becomes jogged, scurried, strode...

Other points to watch out for are double punctuation, punctuation around dialog, and misspellings.



Ending

*LeafBr* Your ending was effective because it concluded the current conflict while leaving us wondering if there would be more at the museum. I also liked the racial issues you introduced.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*LeafBr* *BurstG*The sun was not even to half its height, but the breeze brought a smile at some relief from the late summer’s heat.*BurstG* brought who a smile? No subject here.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*A large, oddly-charred sword slanted across his back, the boy shielded his eyes, searching casually in no specific direction. *BurstG* confusing word order

*LeafBr* *BurstG*the shade of a large Scorn tree, its name derived from its rigid limbs*BurstG* don't all trees have rigid limbs? What does rigidness have to do with scorn?

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Her head propped against its trunk, she clutch an iron spear on her slumber, a large circular blade also propped within arm's reach.*BurstG* *in/ confusing word order. You often couch the action in two clauses of description, which reads confusingly. At least for me.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*His uniform was unbuttoned to his stomache*BurstG* stomach

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Look at Natila she's half asleep,"*BurstG* comma after "Natila"

*LeafBr* *BurstG*" I know what you mean.*BurstG* extra space after quotation marks. This happens several more times.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*"And even if i was, i still see everything.*BurstG* lots of uncapitalize (i)s in this piece.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*trying to have their hand at the museums artifacts."*BurstG* Not sure "have their hand" makes sense

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Natila opened the door and led them past the workers locker room*BurstG* worker's

*LeafBr* *BurstG*and were stuck guarding an empty building.*BurstG*we're

*LeafBr* *BurstG*"Right. I claim the west wing," Natila protested.*BurstG* This isn't really a "protest"

*LeafBr* *BurstG*He all but paused for a moment studying them*BurstG* Either he paused or he didn't. You cannot almost pause.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* though the power they emanated outshown all the rest combined.*BurstG* outshone

*LeafBr* *BurstG*One, a woman, in very close resemblance to the Liange, with her hair and robes radiant with power, held a sword that seemed to be made of several swords combined, one over lapping another with a split down the center, in several shades of white and red, and the other, a man, if he could be called such, wore a shredded cloak that seemed to absorb the light around it, its color darker than the darkest black.*BurstG* major run-on sentence. *overlapping
*LeafBr* *BurstG* "Don't even think your getting out of this that easily.*BurstG* you're

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Coming to there senses, *BurstG*their

*LeafBr* *BurstG*"What gives?!" Dameon said catching his ballance *BurstG* "What gives?" Dameon asked, catching his balance

*LeafBr* *BurstG*checking out the ship." Ikaru said, looking through the brush*BurstG*comma, not a period

*LeafBr* *BurstG*showing its large whtie fangs,*BurstG* white

*LeafBr* *BurstG*causing him to lose his ballance and stummble.*BurstG**balance *stumble

*LeafBr* *BurstG*But the girls parents only scowled at him from a distance*BurstG* girl's

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Who says their any better.” He arms were crossed in disgust that equalled *BurstG* Who says they're any better.” His arms were crossed in disgust that equaled

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Theres nothing else to do here*BurstG* There's

Overall Opinion

*LeafBr* I really enjoyed reading this, despite all of the grammar/mechanics editing needed. The characters are original, easy to connect to, and mysterious. I'm interested to see how the story develops. Pleas let me know if you do any revision and I'll revise my rating.





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43
43
Review of Ritchie  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today by your request.
All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if
there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions
that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*LeafBr* I'm somewhat against using character names as a title. It just seems like a bit of a cop-out.

Beginning

*LeafBr* We begin with Charles in the car, driving home. It might be more effective to begin with the wife's suspicion, since she is the actual main character and it's a bit more of a hook. As is, it seems a bit convenient for the radio to be playing a song about "home sweet home" while the character drives home.

Plot

*LeafBr* Charles is a wealthy scientist who lives in a mansion. He and his Butler are keeping a secret from his wife. She is just about to uncover it when invaders come to steal her husband's research. Not at all a bad story-line.

Characters

*LeafBr* I was a little alarmed at what an air-head Charles' wife was. She seemed like she was pulled straight from the Stepford wives, and this made me connect less to the story. Complex characters are easier to relate to and make reader's enjoy or feel a story more.

Style/Voice

*LeafBr* It was hard for me to get a sense of your style because of all the grammatical issues.

Setting

*LeafBr* This is set in Charles' mansion/ his lab. A little more physical description and sensory imagery would be great.

Grammar

*LeafBr* I had difficulty with some of your wording, use of stock phrases, and missing commas. you should also be wary of overuse of adverbs and creative dialogue tag syndrome http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip4.html. When you use too many different verbs to express the way in which dialog is being said, it makes the writing sluggish. This is a fine line, but to be safe, try to stick with "said", "asked", and "answered"

An important problem to note that I did not include in the line by line is that whenever a new character speaks you need to start a new paragraph.

I didn't include every error I saw, but you should have an example or two of each of the main issues.




Ending

*LeafBr* the surprise ending is excellent, but you don't need to spell it out for us quite so much. both your reader and Charles' wife can figure out that Richie is a robot simply from what the husband shows us. You could cut lines such as "She couldn’t believe that all this time Ritchie wasn’t a real person. Although his mannerisms seemed somewhat robotic and lifeless at times, no one could’ve seen this coming." which actually take away from the surprise.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*LeafBr* *BurstG* grossed well into the billion dollar range when it came to revenue.*BurstG*"when it came to revenue" seems superfluous. I think you could cut it.
*LeafBr* *BurstG* It was bright and early on a Thursday morning, usually a day of normality, but this a rare occasion. *BurstG* I would cut this bit. It seems a bit heavy handed for foreshadowing. We assume this isn't a normal day, or you wouldn't be writing short story about it.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*She was closely followed by the couple’s loyal butler of whom served them for many soft spoken years.*BurstG* The wording doesn't quite work here. maybe, "She was followed by the couple’s butler, who had served them for many years." The way you have it written, it is the years that speak softly, not the butler. "Of whom" is also confusing.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*Sandra leaped into her husband’s arms*BurstG* does she literally jump into his arms bodily? This is a bit of a dramatic and overused term. I'll refer to this type of term as a "stock phrase" from here on out. They are generally to be avoided since they have been done so many times before that they feel stale and insincere.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*“Breakfast is sitting in the kitchen for your sweetie,” *BurstG* typo- "...you, sweetie,"
*LeafBr* *BurstG*Can I have a word with you Ritchie?” *BurstG* Can I have a word with you, Ritchie?”
*LeafBr* *BurstG* “I’ll be in the living room dear,” Sandra spoke with caution.*BurstG* I’ll be in the living room, dear,” Sandra said.
*LeafBr* *BurstG* The two men headed into the study, one moving with grace and youth while the other treaded softly and slowly showing signs of arthritis and other symptoms of old age. *BurstG* "The two men headed into the study, one moving with youthful grace, and the other treading softly and showing signs of arthritis." This sentence had problems of parallelism and over-explanation.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*_so she tip toed towards the closed doors of the study in order to eavesdrop. *BurstG* tiptoed
*LeafBr* *BurstG* As she pressed her ear to the door she could barely make out what was being said. *BurstG* comma after "door"
*LeafBr* *BurstG*“I’ll keep an eye open,” She heard Ritchie reply.*BurstG* no need to capitalize "she" here.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*She sped...*BurstG* you use this verb several times. try something a bit more descriptive to avid repetition and make the writing vivid. For example "she ran, she tripped, she stumbled, she jogged, she eased, she hurried..."
*LeafBr* *BurstG*Charlie sang happily towards his wife*BurstG*is he really singing? Why towards his wife instead of to her?
*LeafBr* *BurstG*Although Sandra’s tone seemed positive her heart had been racing.*BurstG*comma after "positive"
*LeafBr* *BurstG* As she stood at the top of the staircase thinking hard she could see Ritchie head back to his butler’s quarters out of her peripheral vision. *BurstG* comma after "staircase" and "hard"
*LeafBr* *BurstG*“Thank you, Ritchie!” She said appreciatively. “For what, Madame?” He asked curiously. “For being you.” She said gratefully and shot him a thankful smile.*BurstG* -----“Thank you, Ritchie!” she said. “For what, Madame?” he asked. “For being you,” she replied, and shot him a smile.--- cut the adverbs. if someone asks a question, they are obviously curious. If someone says thank you, they are obviously grateful. Additionally, do not capitalize the words outside an open dialog. correct= "Thanks," he said. Incorrect="Thanks," He said. Only after a period will you capitalize. Correct= "Why thanks." He smiled and walked away" Incorrect= "Why thanks," He smiled, and walked away.
*LeafBr* *BurstG* It was early Charlie had been up all night. *BurstG* It was early, and Charlie had been up all night.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*Although physically he was working his mind was off in an arena of nervousness*BurstG*comma after "working"
*LeafBr* *BurstG*All of a sudden the lab door opened and Sandra lied in front of him.*BurstG*confusing wording. What do you mean by 'lied" here.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*“Charles, can we talk about something.” She asked*BurstG*“Charles, can we talk about something?” she asked
*LeafBr* *BurstG*“DING DONG” The doorbell sang from above them.*BurstG* doorbells can't "sing" so I think it would make more sense to say "The doorbell sounded above them" or something to that effect.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*Inside laid a series of buttons and switches. *BurstG* Inside lay a series of buttons and switches.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*“What the hell is that, Charles?” There is a secret door down here, what else don’t I know about!?”*BurstG* “What the hell is that, Charles? There is a secret door down here? What else don’t I know about?” Never use double punctuation.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*They brightly lit up and began to initiate into different views of the household.*BurstG* confusing wording
*LeafBr* *BurstG* Charles began to scan the screens vividly in order to find his adorned butler.*BurstG* misused vocabulary
*LeafBr* *BurstG*“What the hell is going on??”*BurstG* no double punctuation
*LeafBr* *BurstG*did not share the uneasy feeling his wife had protruded. *BurstG*protruded is not the right word. Perhaps "Exuded" ?
*LeafBr* *BurstG*the other half lie inside of the door and unable to be seen from the outside.*BurstG* the other half lay inside of the door and unable to be seen from the outside.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*crumpled body lying sitting Indian style on the ground*BurstG* confusing wording


Overall Opinion

*LeafBr*Your overall story was quite interesting and very creative. I had to give it a lower rating because the wording, mechanics and grammar were seriously in need of revision. The best way to fix this is to read the story out loud to yourself a few times. It will help you catch wording and commas. Please let me know if you do any revision and I'd be happy to take another look.





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44
44
Review by Early
In affiliation with The Scribes  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Thorn Tower" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*SuitClub* The title falls a bit flat and is too obvious for this complex, twisted tale.

Beginning

*SuitSpade* We begin with a traditional Cinderella setup. She's cleaning the house and misses her father who "the world took away from her". I didn't like this bit, because the father was not taken away yet and we are made to believe he's dead when he's very much alive. I can see that you meant the side of her father she loved was dead, but the world had nothing to do with his change of character. It felt deliberately misleading.

Plot

*SuitClub* Your plot was awesome. This is a modern adaptation of Cinderella, which we believe fits the original story at the beginning, but unwinds into madness as the tale goes on. We find that the fairy-tale aspect of the story is all in Cindy's mind, and real life is much more twisted. I really enjoyed how you could take most of this two ways and see through Cindy's eyes. The side notes is parentheses all of the time were extremely confusing and a bit too obvious, however. I think that using italics might be better, and fleshing that part out a bit would make it stronger.

Characters

*SuitSpade* I was surprised by how unlikeable Cindy was. I'm not sure if this was your intention or not, but her use of expletives seemed out of character to me. I also wanted a bit more about the stepmother and sisters. They really only crop up at the very end as token characters.


Style/Voice

*SuitClub* Your style needs a bit of work. With all of the grammar and mechanic errors, it was hard to get through this, despite your original and interesting story. Bits of the story don't quite get fleshed out enough and it felt disjointed and vague.

Setting

*SuitSpade* I wasn't at all sure when this was set until the police officers entered the scene.
Grammar

*SuitClub* You have many incomplete sentences and begin sentences with prepositions because of these split thoughts. You also have issues with commas and periods, both with dialog and around names. I've pulled out a few examples of each, closer to the beginning. They run throughout, but now you will know what to look for.

Ending

*SuitSpade* It wasn't until your ending that the story came together. This is good because you kept us wondering, but I did spend most of the story confused.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*SuitSpade* Cindy had been yelled, cursed at, pulled, pushed, and generally abused.*SuitClub* This sentence has a parallelism problem. Some of the items in the list are "verb at" and some are just "verb". Regardless of the mismatched list, you need "at" after yelled for it to make sense: "Cindy had been yelled at, cursed at, pulled, pushed, and generally abused."

*SuitSpade* The same world that had taken from her the only person she loved, her father, and left her alone in this hell hole? *SuitClub* "The world had taken her father, the only person she loved, and left her alone in this hell." I cut same/that, because it made the sentence incomplete, used a period since the sentence was not a question, and rearranged the center for a better flow.

*SuitSpade* She was going to have one of her “high society” parties and wanted the house spotless. And when she said spotless, it included no sign of what she considered the biggest stain – Cindy. *SuitClub* She was going to have one of her “high society” parties and wanted the house spotless, which included eradicating the biggest stain of all – Cindy.
*SuitSpade* Her knees throbbed from kneeling on the hard floor, scrubbing away. But none of that compared to the torment in her head. *SuitClub* Either cut "but" at the beginning of the second sentence, or have it be one longer sentence. As is, it is incomplete.

*SuitSpade* She scrubbed the floor harder, trying to scour the voices out of her mind “Cindy, you can’t live in there forever, you have to come out here into the real world!” her step-mother had screamed at her that morning. Had kept screaming at her, over and over again. *SuitClub* She scrubbed the floor harder, trying to scour the voices out of her mind.

“Cindy, you can’t live in there forever. You have to come out here into the real world!” her step-mother had screamed at her that morning, over and over again.

*SuitSpade* “But I like it in here” Cindy had thought to herself, “no one can find me, no one can see me”.*SuitClub* “But I like it in here,” Cindy had thought. “No one can find me. No one can see me”.
*SuitSpade* But now it was just those women, probably laughing at her, pointing.*SuitClub* what are they pointing at?

*SuitSpade*She hadn’t seen this father since *SuitClub* "this father"-did she have more than one?

*SuitSpade* I’ve missed you soooo much.” She sobbed into his chest*SuitClub* I’ve missed you soooo much,” she sobbed into his chest
*SuitSpade* I’m here to help you now.” He said, holding her close. *SuitClub* I’m here to help you now,” he said, holding her close.

*SuitSpade* She thinks I’ll embarrass her, that others will stare.” Cindy said.*SuitClub* She thinks I’ll embarrass her and others will stare,” Cindy said.

*SuitSpade* “Never fear my princess, you shall go to the party,... *SuitClub* “Never fear, my princess. You shall go to the party,...
*SuitSpade* She could feel his arms around her, holding (trapping) her. How desperately she wanted to escape!*SuitClub* this was confusing to me. Is he hugging her or trapping her? Since this is from her point of view, she should know. Why does she want to escape? She seems overjoyed?.

*SuitSpade* “Oh I’ll be there Cindy, watching.” . *SuitClub* “Oh I’ll be there, Cindy, watching.”

*SuitSpade* it felt as if her very being was being torn in two *SuitClub* being repeats


Overall Opinion

*SuitClub* Your idea is excellent, but the writing needs refining. Please let me know if you edit and I'd be happy to revisit my rating/review.




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45
Review of Tides  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Thorn Tower" All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Your title is perfect. the poem is about the ocean and is also a palindrome, which can be read backwards as well as forwards. That style of poem is especially fitting for waves, which also go back and forth.


Concept

*NoteB* The overall concept is simply a depiction of the water and the cold, at least as far as I could tell. Not especially complex, but beautiful in its simplicity.


Structure

*NoteB* One place the structure doesn't quite work is "thought muffled waves", since this would have to be "thought-muffled" forwards to be entirely correct but can't be "muffled-thought" backwards. Otherwise it all flows well. The style forces broken sentences and punctuation issues.


Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I found this poem soothing and your structure is impressive. If you were to change one thing I would suggest trying to cut the adverbs, even though it would require rewording. Lines 6 and 7 are particularly cluttered with adverbs.





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46
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Story Maker" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*LeafBr* I don't have much reaction one way or another to the title. It is interesting enough to draw me in, but pales in comparison to your story.

Beginning

*LeafBr* We begin with Mari in the streets, looking for a shop to buy candy. This was an excellent opening scene. You have strong visuals, and the Japanese culture is beautifully rendered in some of the dialogue and settings.

Plot

*LeafBr* Mari is a vampire who fights her nature (don't they all). But unlike most stories, this felt fresh and avoided most of the cliches. She admits her own weakness, as she is unable to consume blood from only animals and must still prey on humanity. She's not exactly evil, for although she kills in a rather gory manner, it is only the "undesirables" or criminals she attacks.

Characters

*LeafBr* Mari is the main character, and although we know she's beautiful and is wearing a light kimono, we don't get much visual for her. I thought her personality and motives were well depicted, though, through her struggle to save the child and her dismemberment of her attackers.

Style/Voice

*LeafBr* You have an absolutely gorgeous writing style in this piece. I did have some trouble with overly complex sentence structure, but aside from surface issues it was error free and I fell right into the story. It definitely makes me want to read more of your work.

Setting

*LeafBr* I believe the setting is Tokyo, Japan. The contrast between the before and after descriptions of the city are marvelous. Your writing about the bombs is especially vivid.

Grammar

*LeafBr* You have a minor issue with missing commas between two adjectives and also commas after introductory phrases. There are a few convoluted sentence structures or wording issues. Your occasional incomplete sentences may be a stylistic choice but for me they only added confusion.

Ending

*LeafBr* The ending was perfect. It was final enough to stand alone, but the reader sort of hopes there is more and wants to read it. The conflict has been resolved and Mari is at peace with the beast inside of her.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Mari’s wooden clogs click clacked in quick rhythm as she took small toy-like steps.*BurstG* small and toy-like imply much the same thing. You could cut "small" to keep it more concise and make the imagery stronger.

*LeafG* *BurstG* The last time she’d been here, two weeks ago, there had been one with wonderful homemade candies. *BurstG* comma after "wonderful" since both wonderful and homemade are adjectives describing the candy.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Even still, those words brought a smile of vanity and humor to her lips*BurstG* "Even now" makes more sense here. Also "a smile of vanity and amusement" fits a bit better than humor.

*LeafG* *BurstG* O-jyo-sama, beautiful maiden. *BurstG* this is an incomplete sentence and it's a bit hard to tell that you mean the second bit as a definition to the first. A colon might work here.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* But, aren’t you a little cold *BurstG* Not sure you need this comma. It's a dangling preposition an could easily be cut.

*LeafG* *BurstG* From the dark sleeve criss-crossed with triangle frames a smooth white hand pointed at the nearly empty candy jar and extended one finger. *BurstG* comma after "sleeve" and "frames"

*LeafBr**BurstG* As the old woman extracted the red and white sphere with a pair of chopsticks she quoted the price,*BurstG* comma after "chopsticks"

*LeafG* *BurstG* Ten could have bought for that price four years ago*BurstG* missing word after "bought"

*LeafBr**BurstG*She paid and took the small brown paper bag with the bulging treasure inside*BurstG* comma after "small' since you have two adjectives in a row.

*LeafG* *BurstG* She was a vampire, though she never picked out her victims from the crowds, preferring that they blunder into her, for that way she could help rid the city of the undesirables.*BurstG* the wording here seems a little awkward. You announce that she is a vampire rather abruptly and then connected is "though she never picked out..." implying that all other vampires do.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Undesirable. A simple word, a weak word, she thought, to use for*BurstG* There is something not quite right with the punctuation here, though I can't figure out what. I'd just cut "a simple word"

*LeafG* *BurstG* Now, only mounds of black beams a *BurstG* I don't think you need this comma

*LeafBr* *BurstG*The leer on his face sickened her, made her remember an hour long ago, the last hour she was human. *BurstG* cut down on needless repetition. "The leer on his face sickened her, and made her remember a time long ago: the last hour she was human."

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Memories, best not to have them. *BurstG* incomplete sentence.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* They were like a needle stuck on a gash of a record playing the same notes over and over except they were scenes forming behind her eyes so she couldn’t shut them out no matter how she tried. *BurstG* run-on sentence

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Reflexes jerked their heads skyward and strained their eyes searching for danger.*BurstG* missing "they" before "strained", otherwise it says reflexes strained their eyes, which doesn't quite make sense.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Grabbing a rock, Mari flung it down on his face smashing his skull, thus ending the noisy challenge of man over machine. *BurstG* Grabbing a rock, Mari flung it down on his face, smashing his skull. Thus she ended the noisy challenge man against machine.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Backing away on the ground, he was unable, from fear, to stand. *BurstG* Backing away on the ground, fear made him unable to stand.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* There were millions of them, and as they hit the ground they burst spraying jets of flaming napalm gel a hundred feet and more. *BurstG* comma after "burst"

*LeafBr* *BurstG*sparked fires in the crowd’s hair and clothing. *BurstG* technically a crowd doesn't have hair, people in a crowd do.


*LeafBr* *BurstG* _A shock zipped down her body for the water was as warm as bath water. *BurstG* A shock zipped down her body, for the water was as warm as a bath.


*LeafBr* *BurstG* Another batch of bombs pelted the neighborhood and upon impact spit jellied flames.*BurstG* comma after "impact"


*LeafBr* *BurstG*Homes exploded from the expanding air within heated to hellish temperatures.*BurstG* comma after "within"


*LeafBr* *BurstG* Lowering Kenji to her chest, she tried to move through to the exit, but hampered by her responsibility for the boy she was pushed back. *BurstG* comma after "boy"




Overall Opinion

*LeafBr* I loved this story. Your description didn't lie: I have never read a vampire story quite like this. Your imagery, setting, and character all came together for a fascinating read.





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Review of Wanderous Soul  
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "The Hollow Keys" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Your title is pulled directly from the text and accurately represents the poem's subject.

Beginning

*NoteB* I'm not sure you need to begin with "oh". It seems a bit over the top and when removed does not change the meaning or detract from the atmosphere

Concept

*NoteB* This poem questions why the narrator's soul has to struggle so hard to find its place and achieve its desires. I think you have an excellent underlying idea, but it needs a bit of clarification and refining.

Part way through it becomes prescriptive rather than questioning, and I found this confusing. Since the narrator is talking to their own soul or self, they are either wondering about their own nature, or they know what path they must take. This narrator did both and it was confusing.



Grammar

*NoteB* I didn't find anything to work on here.

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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Never finding the place to be. *XB* This line seemed a bit vague to me. What is the "place to be?" for a self/soul

*NoteB* *XB*Oh self, how you astound me*XB* later you ask these questions of the "soul". Is it soul or self. To me they are not quite the same, and soul makes a bit more self.

*NoteB* *XB*So fragile you are.
You change with the turning of the tide
And the direction of the wind.
When will you set root?*XB* You begin by saying the soul is fragile, but the rest of the stanza focuses on its changeability. I think it would be strongest to keep each stanza to one clear concept.

*NoteB* *XB*It is you that must conquer...
Must toil... *XB* "It is you that must..." implies that it is the soul rather than something else. Are you saying rather than the world conquering? I found this unclear.

*NoteB* *XB*This world is not sympathetic to your emotions. *XB* does a soul have emotions?





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48
48
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "The Hollow Keys" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.


DISCLAIMER-I'm really not a poet and I don't have an extensive knowledge of styles or structures. Everything below is just how it struck me.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I don't think it's necessary for you to mention this is a poem in the title. This is already indicated in format.

Beginning

*NoteB* You begin with a question "What is time?" and throughout the poem you seek to answer that question. It's an admirable query, and one that may not even have an answer.

Concept

*NoteB* I think that your overall idea is clear. Time is what you make of it in life. This idea is strengthened nearer to the end.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* Your subject is a sort of vague, shapeless concept. For this reason, it makes sense that most of your description is also vague. For me, though, this just didn't hook me. I would have liked more concrete images and senses. Maybe hone in more on one part of what you want to say and make it clearer instead of having so many different descriptions of time.

Structure

*NoteB* This poem's structure is perhaps not the best fit. The pattern is very loose, if there is indeed a pattern at all. One stanza repeats, but not consistently. I think it would be more effective without the repetition.

Grammar

*NoteB* Your grammar seemed fine to me. There were lots of contractions, but that isn't necessarily wrong.

Ending

*NoteB* Because time is limited
Understand,
Know,
Believe it- I wasn't really clear on your exact meaning with the ending. This poem seems prescriptive, but I didn't come away with a clear idea of what we were meant to do in order to know/understand time



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Or the reason we are here? *XB* How could time itself be the reason we are here? I found this line confusing.

*NoteB* *XB*Because time will only do
What you do to it.*XB* I really liked this line.


Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I really liked your concept, but I thought the writing was a bit vague and confusing at times. The structure could have been shaved down to keep it concise and to cut the needless repetition of one stanza.




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49
49
Review by Early
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "The Hollow Keys" and by your request. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*LeafBr* This title is too direct. I feel like you could come up with something both shorter and better that is a more accurate representation of the story. Maybe something like "Angelic" or about the lanterns.

Beginning

*LeafBr* " With all the evil I had seen and done in life, you would think there would be more souls like me, those bright enough to want to stay lost."I don't quite understand this sentence, or how the two concepts follow. Evil in life should mean souls will want to stay lost? It's just too vague, considering we know nothing about the story or setting. It doesn't hook me and I had to reread several times to make any sense out of it.

Plot

*LeafBr* A soul in purgatory finds his true love and they search for a way to enter heaven. I like your idea here, but I think it needs move development and explanation to really work.

Characters

*LeafBr* Susan and Louis seem instantly best friends. In fact, he's in love with her the second he sees her. i wanted more of a progression or explanation here. Katrin is briefly introduced with the lanterns and then springs back in later as though she and Louis have always been best friends. I found this and other character motives/appearances a bit vague and confusing to keep up with.

Style/Voice

*LeafBr* You have lots of little bits of humor in here, which help with the somewhat serious subject matter. My favorites were the MC name, Louis Seefer, and " I wondered, once again, how we might trust in a preacher that fell short of Heaven." Haha.

One thing I noticed about the style here is that it's a bit stiff and cluttered. I think this is in part because you're trying to make the souls words and thoughts match the syntax of their time period. try reading aloud to make talks quickly, we still need to be able to understand the meaning.




Setting

*LeafBr* The setting needs move development. I was never really sure where exactly they were or what it looked like. Perhaps this is intention, due to the dram-like nature of their world, but even that idea could be described more. I really wanted to "see" the whole story more.

Grammar

*LeafBr* There were a few confusingly worded places, a bit of comma trouble, and some typos. I tried to pull out some representations in the line by line.

Ending

*LeafBr* I really like the ending. It wasn't a surprise, exactly, since you set us up for it, but it just felt right.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Susan's small feet moved strangely as she stumbled in through the gates of our town, like a newborn colt. *BurstG* Stronger with fewer words and no adverb " Susan's stumbled in through the gates of our town like a newborn colt." and says the same thing.

*LeafG* *BurstG* “Where? -am I. *BurstG* The formatting here feels wrong but I'm not sure how to correct it and still keep the feeling the same. “Where am I?" or "Where...am I?" maybe

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Morgen's gaze locked on her even though she never met it.*BurstG* comma after "her"

*LeafG* *BurstG* Kylie, getting loose from the safety seat, the open window*BurstG* Kylie, getting loose from the safety seat. The open window.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Morgen....Morgan *BurstG* this name is spelled two ways.

*LeafG* *BurstG* Just then, as if attracted to the heat of my rage, a blackbird swooped in, eyes glowing bloody red, and landed on a post near the gate. *BurstG* I won't pull out more examples of this, but there are many. You seem to have a habit of complex sentences that push the boundaries of a run-on but aren't quite incorrect. Reading aloud will help you cut down on this. Often times, meaning is more clear in shorter sentences.

*LeafBr**BurstG* Cannot stress enough how *BurstG* missing "I" at the beginning of this sentence.

*LeafG* *BurstG* "Susan brushed off her nicely filled pants and punched me in the arm.*BurstG* The nicely filled pants seemed a little awkward. Are you saying she has a nice figure?

*LeafBr**BurstG* Nobody believes a word I say.”

“A fact you enjoy to no end,” Morgen pointed out. “One we both work very hard to maintain.”*BurstG* I really wasn't sure what the wording here means. What do they work hard to maintain? You don't maintain a fact, since they are either true or are no longer facts.

*LeafG* *BurstG* “After all, in all this time, I think you are the only one got my hint."*BurstG* “In all this time, I think you are the only one who got my hint."

*LeafBr* *BurstG* but with all the evil I had seen and done, *BurstG* this is mentioned at least twice, along with other vague references. I feel like we need some more background to start caring about the character.

*LeafG* *BurstG* Katrin's arms clawed at her throat as though she were choking.*BurstG* arms can't claw, but hands can.

*LeafBr* *BurstG* Susan said, sitting down at her sleeping place. “What happened? How'd they get her? You were supposed to wake her up.”*BurstG* spacing problem


*LeafBr* *BurstG* “But I can bring you back from there.” *BurstG* I think you mean "can't"

*LeafBr* *BurstG*
“Get out of here,” she said. “For the love of God.”

I could feel the connection crumbling, the entire world shimmering. “But come back soon!” she cried.*BurstG* The two contradictory things she's saying here are confusing.






Overall Opinion

*LeafBr* This was quite a lot to read for one item. You might be better served breaking it up into parts. Thus far it feels like an excellent rough draft, but needs a lot of refining. Slow it down, give us more description, setting, character background and personality. Louis comes to a lot of conclusions seemingly out of thin air and I had a hard time following them. You need to read this aloud slowly to catch the bits that don't quite make sense or need rewarding. Often times things are clear to the author without explanation, but not the reader. You have a great start, though, and I enjoyed the read.





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50
Review of In Dreams  
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece by
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Not quite sure about the title. While your descriptions were certainly dream-like and he is in bed when shot, I didn't really feel like the title quite captures the essence of the story.

Beginning

*NoteB* I was left breathless (seriously) at the wording in your first paragraph. It was simple yet so descriptive I felt like I was watching a movie.

Characters

*NoteB* Matt is the deceased husband of April, who evidentially was a psychopath. I was fascinated by the build up to this revelation. I began this short tale sympathizing with her, because like the wife of the ghost psychiatrist in the sixth sense, I thought she just couldn't move on. Turns out that's not the case at all *Bigsmile* Matt himself is not very complex. He's just a poor sap, from what I could tell. Of course, we don't get the whole story so maybe he deserved it.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* "let his forehead kiss the glass"-beautiful description. Your style needs no alteration. You've obviously been honing it for some time. You have strong verbs, no overuse of adverbs, and your sentences are concise and varied in structure.

Setting

*NoteB* The setting is the upstairs bedroom of Matt's house. Your imagery is so vibrant that it's like a punch in the throat. I could see this as clearly as a painting.

Grammar

*NoteB* This piece is exceptionally polished. I couldn't find a thing to edit, which naturally drives me crazy. Well done!

Ending

*NoteB* That was an outrageous, horrifying, awesome ending. I suspected just a bit that he might be a ghost, but I definitely did not see the rest coming.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB* The tires left precise, parallel tracks *XB* just before this you say the car fishtailed, so the tracks wouldn't be precisely parallel.

..and that's all. Sorry! I wish I could be more helpful.




Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I absolutely loved every bit of this story, and I don't say that often. I don't think there is anything I would change.





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