Hello!
I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece through your request. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.
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*Please do not be alarmed by the mammoth length of this review. You have a very long item. I know I've already expressed this, but you would be benefited greatly by splitting this into two parts. Not many people will take the time to review something they can't read in one sitting."
Title
Nihilian Effect :: Alitheia Prologue(1)- is a bit daunting. You have two long, unfamiliar words, double punctuation and a number. "Nihilian Effect: Prologue" or just "Nihilian Effect" with the information about it being a prologue is in the description might help it hook more readers. .
Beginning
You give us a glorious description of the setting to begin with, however, I don't think you should. Settings very rarely hook a reader, because there are no actions or words. I didn't have anything to make me think "what's going to happen here". That is what you need at the very beginning of your story, and also at the beginning of each chapter. You need to convince your reader that something interesting is going on and they need to read to find out what.
Plot
You have a lot of characters and a lot of backstory here, all wrapped in unfamiliar languages and races. I don't often read this type of fantasy because I find it hard to adapt to whole new worlds and languages in such detail so quickly, but despite this I was intrigued.
Characters
The main character, Claradina, is not your typical heroin. She's plump, bookish, and brave. She also happens to be beautiful, but as far as I can tell, so is everyone else. I'm interested in seeing how she grows as a character, because she doesn't seem to have any faults.
I'm impressed that you have such detailed races and descriptions for your fantasy people. The names are a bit hard for me to follow, but the characters are so unique they still suck me in.
Setting
I could certainly see this piece, and what I saw was beautiful. Just to pull out bits I loved: "Lacquered wooden floor...blue strands of shimisha seaweed ... crammed with a myriad of books...yellow wax forming miniature stalagmites. But you need to space these out instead of slamming the reader all at once.
Because everything else is so fantastical and exotic, I was jarred by how normal the food was in this. You have potatoes, tea and especially sandwiches. They don't quite seem to fit the setting. Sandwiches are a very contemporary term. I would also think that the water species would eat quite differently from those with wings or cat tails (Sorry, the titles of the species are a bit much for me to remember).
Grammar
I'll go ahead and give you general advice here and examples. I'm only going to pull out misspellings or wrong words in the line by line so as not to overwhelm you. You should know that I found this story fascinating, but I think your style and grammar need a lot of work. It is far better to have good ideas and mechanical flaws than polished writing that is unoriginal, however. These are all things that can be easily fixed.
The easiest way you can make your writing stronger is to cut every adverb possible (maybe all of them) and use strong and diverse verbs. So, remove all your words ending in ly to start with, and then go back and find the ones that are harder to pick out, like "very", "nearly", "almost", "just". The reason you want to get rid of these is that they bog down the writing and make it verbose. You are almost always left using weak and non-descriptive verbs in conjunction with them. For example "The glass rattled softly in its frame". You don't need "softly" because rattled already shows us this. if you don't feel it's expressing quite the picture in your head, try "shuddered" , "clattered", "jarred" or "vibrated".
Repetition and verbosity is a major problem in your writing but an easy fix. Because you have so many good descriptions, the ideas get convoluted. For example.. "simple yet elegant and well-made Meraian rug that blanketed the fine lacquered wooden floor." we don't really need you to tell us that the rug is simple, well-made and elegent. You already show us with your description of the seaweed and the naiads. Furthermore, three adjectives are far too many to describe one noun in one sentence. You'll want to space your descriptions out between dialog and action so the reader doesn't get bored. Don't describe the entire room in detail before anything happens.
Run-on sentences and commas. You have sentences that really push the boundaries of length without quite becoming run-ons. Try reading this aloud and you will easily be able to tell which ones get a little long winded. Your use of commas is also a bit hectic and scattered. You may want to study their usage a bit and again, read aloud to find the pauses you are missing.
Ending
We are left wondering what Clara's punishment will be and if anyone will discover the magic-user's trickery. Excellent job leaving us with a hook!
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Line by Line Suggestion
spring winds blew passed the wide arched window *past
She was lightly plump I think you mean "slightly"
a tray containing a pair drinks missing "of"
"I consumed earlier." awkward wording, though maybe it's intentional.
place other scrolls along a time line in accordance with the war. timeline
What is it you are studying so diligently this time, if i may ask capitalize "i"
Lu'vina slightly raised one of her hairless brows, would you be able to see a hairless brow raise? I honestly don't know...you'd have to be close.
deny her for any reason they felt deemed worthy. cut "felt"
And if worse came to worse, "worst"
The smug golden-haired liange woman was taller than most Not sure what this means since everyone is a different species and heights range drastically.
Was she in over her head? Surely revealing the truth was the right thing to do, but what if she did not make it out alive. question mark here instead of a period. I find it a bit odd that she's just now considering that this is dangerous when her Study Clerk already warned her...
though she had had quite a few meetings with almost everyone she new. *knew and "had" repeats
born of man's own greed and wickedness so far we haven't seen a single "man" or member of the human race. You might want to choose a different term.
she had somehow fallen into the background, unnoticed and unknown, and she did not even notice until it had been to late. *too
"What is your point, child," one of the more elderly High Seats question mark after "child"
red hair and a lavishing violet gown not sure "lavishing" works. Try "ravishing' or "lavish"
"Since you pushed so hard for a hasty decision, you now have it. but we don't have it...? he doesn't tell us or her. Maybe "you will have it" would work better.
Overall Opinion
I found the world you created and the atmosphere of this piece fascinating. It feels a bit like the Golden Compass mixed with Star Wars (for the different species). You have ornate description of everyone and everything, which was excellent, if a bit too prevalent at times. I did want Clara to have something more in her personality, a flaw of some kind. She's just a bit too perfect to like. But since this is a prologue I'm not even sure we'll stay with her character. As far as the others, try to develop an individual voice for each of them and pare them down to only the absolutely necessary. Story aside, you need to do some cleaning up of the grammar and technique in the writing. I didn't pull out everything as far as commas, adverbs, run-ons. But I hope I gave you an idea of what to look for. Editing long works of your own can be a challenge, and reading aloud will be the best thing you can do.
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