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279 Public Reviews Given
279 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I love to review in-depth on short stories over 10K. My reviews focus on plot, characters, style, and grammar. I will give a mixture of constructive criticism and constructive praise, including a sample of some line-by-line issues. It is important to note that I will give 1 and 2-star ratings to works that I believe need heavy revision, but I'm always open to revisiting a work that has been revised with the potential to raise the rating.
I'm good at...
I like to look at a work both as a whole and broken down into its essential pieces. I think this allows me to present a balanced and constructive review.
Favorite Genres
My preferred genres are Horror, Fantasy, or Science Fiction. I prefer the intended audience to be teen or adult.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance/erotica, personal narratives (mostly), children's stories (mostly)
Favorite Item Types
My favorite items are short stories, but I will review several chapters of a novel or potentially the entire novel if I am interested enough. I will review poetry, but I do not have extensive experience with different poetic forms.
I will not review...
I do not review works where the major emphasis is on religion, nor do I review erotica.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of The Wishing Well  
Review by Early
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* The title is as cute and direct as the poem.

Beginning

*NoteB* You begin with a magical image of two people of an undefined age, probably young, at a wishing well surrounded by fairies. i wasn't clear on if they could see the fairies or not, or if the fairies were even real.

Concept

*NoteB* Your concept was very simple but well written. It has a classic fairy-tale symbol; a wishing well. A boy and girl are each there, wishing for love, and they find it as they throw in their coins in each other. Normally, this would be too syrupy sweet for me, but I felt for the most part like you didn't overdo it and kept the atmosphere very mellow. Skipping off to get a milkshake in the rain, though, was a bit much. lol.


Style/Voice

*NoteB* I'm no expert at poetry, but you seemed to have a solid flow and structure. The fourth line of the second stanza felt forced, but that was all that broke the flow for me. You might put "I like that" in italics.

Ending

*NoteB* my favorite part of the whole poem was the last two lines. It just has a satisfying rhyme and image to it.

Overall Opinion

*NoteB* A very cute child's poem about finding love at a wishing well. I don't often read this type of poetry, or poetry at all, but in this case I'm glad I did.



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52
52
Review of The Purge  
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Do Not Go Gently" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I think you need a title that encompasses all 3 characters more, since this is not just about the madman or just about the fire.

Beginning

*NoteB* I was sucked into this beginning. I think everyone wants to understand what makes a criminal tick, and you provide some answers while still keeping him fairly human as he performs his evil acts.

Plot

*NoteB* A short tale, told from 3 points of view: the madman, the hero, and the madman's lover. My best guess is that this story was meant to make us look at the fire from different sides, though at the end I was left wondering how it could be over. Not only did I want to read more, I didn't feel like there was any sense of conclusion. (?)

Characters

*NoteB* I think you did a great job establishing a different "voice" for each of these characters. We get a clear sense of their personalities, even though we switch so quickly.

Grammar

*NoteB* Comma issues and wording were most of what I found here, and I pulled them out below in the line by line for you to consider.

Ending

*NoteB* you leave us with the thoughts of Jonah's lover (I assume), who is covering up for him again and just realizing the depths of his depravity. I wasn't really ready to leave the story yet. It had barely begun! I hope you continue it.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB* As I walk, the container full of gasoline is getting lighter, its almost done. *XB* semi colon after "lighter"

*NoteB* *XB*If they had, there would be no understanding, no one can see how I am cleansing the earth. *XB* period after "understanding" and new sentence at "No one"

*NoteB* *XB*pushed his hand up into his shaved hair. *XB* if his hair is shaved, his hands could rub over it but not into it.

*NoteB* *XB*my boss sounded a millisecond away from a nervous breakdown, which was usually. *XB* *usual

*NoteB* *XB*_Make it sound like the fire department has no idea what they're doing, make it look like an accident. *XB* period after "doing"





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Excellent piece! I really hope you continue it!





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53
53
Review of The Hand  
Review by Early
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today in return for Review of "Do Not Go Gently" . All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* I liked the title, because it set me up for a classic horror tale and that's just what I got.

Beginning

*NoteB* You start off with some great imagery. I wanted this to be carried through the story more.

Plot

*NoteB* A young girl recounts the gory tale of her father's death. I loved the plot. It felt like the basic outline of a magnificent campfire tale.

Characters

*NoteB* The characters are all 2-D, with no growth or development. I found this acceptable for the most part, since the emphasis here is on plot. But you can't go wrong giving us a bit more detail and personality

Style/Voice

*NoteB* There were lots of clipped sentences, which I find preferable for scary stories *Smile*. make sure you read aloud, however, so that everything flows right and you don't have repetition. There were some wording issues that gave me pause.

Grammar

*NoteB*
In such a short tale, any errors stand out a lot. Commas were the most noticeable problem for me, and I pulled out examples below.



Ending

*NoteB* I loved the ending image, but it left me with too many questions. Readers are going to want some kind of explanation for why the hand turned bad.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*family scary story, I shortened So children and adults can enjoy. *XB* perhaps "A shortened scary story for children and adults.

*NoteB* *XB*It was a crisp autumn night in the small town of Charlton, Massachusetts. *XB* comma after "crisp"

*NoteB* *XB*You could smell the wood from the burning fireplace *XB* "I could smell the burning wood from the fireplace", what fireplace?

*NoteB* *XB* I jumped from my bed... I rolled out of bed *XB* she exits bed twice?

*NoteB* *XB*t was like watching the movie Carrie, when she gets the blood dumped on her head.*XB* This descriptor feels out of place and dates the story

*NoteB* *XB*Once my father had come home from the hospital things had started to get back to normal on the farm until people started to turn up dead. *XB* comma after "hospital"

*NoteB* *XB* had been walking*XB* instead of "had been walking" why not just use the straight "walked" past tense throughout this piece?

*NoteB* *XB*He looked over his shoulder a couple times but as always nothing was there. Once he got home he dismissed the feeling and went on doing his daily routine. That evening we were all sitting by the fireplace listening to one of my father’s stories he always told, *XB* repetition of always, I don't think either sentence needs the word at all.

*NoteB* *XB*My father looked out the window but nothing was there.*XB* comma after "widow"

*NoteB* *XB*There it was again the scraping noise.*XB* comma after "again"

*NoteB* *XB*That’s when we heard the scraping again but this time it sounded like it was coming from inside the house.*XB* comma after "again"

*NoteB* *XB*steps with The Hand! *XB* you don't need to capitalize this.





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I like the basic idea here, and the ending image is so grisly! But I think you may have shortened a bit too much. We are left wondering why this hand was evil and why it turned on its own master but didn't move on to the children. Clearly they all survived, since it was told by the little girl as an adult. I wanted more explanation, imagery and character development. I also think you need to increase your rating to 13+ due to the nature of the subject. This could be told as a teen story, but it could never really be appropriate for under 5th grade.





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54
54
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I'm reviewing your item in return for feedback you gave me on my writing. Sorry it took so long! All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I think this could be shortened to just "Eleven Parties"

Beginning

*NoteB* You definitely gave us a hook at the beginning. A random man offers a woman a million dollars to attend 11 parties in one night. I was intrigued.

Plot

*NoteB* The plot was fast paced and interesting, but didn't answer any of my questions. "Why did this man/devil want her to attend these parties. Who were all these random people at the parties and why were they throwing them? How are they connected to the devil. Why have eleven of them? I honestly only felt the scary parties made sense to the plot. THe others were fantastical, and sounded fun but seemed out of the blue.

Characters

*NoteB* Your main character remained a very blank page for me. We don't know her name, what she looks like, what her life is like, how old she is, if she has kids, why she needs money....I wanted more description here. Why do we care about her? In addition, some of her actions and reactions don't feel realistic. She accepts all of these strange events as though they happen all of the time. If she knows it's the devil offering this money, wouldn't she decline?.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* Your style was very lighthearted through most of this and I enjoyed reading it.

Setting

*NoteB* The settings change so fast I don't think you quite do them justice. If you cut the parties down by half I think you could really make your descriptions shine more. you already have a great start.

Grammar

*NoteB* Adverbs are the biggest thing I would suggest you look at. You often use them after dialogue tags to tell us how something was said. This is almost never necessary because we can tell from the context of the story how characters are speaking. Any other time you use them, they are an indicator that you are using a weak verb. See examples below.

*NoteB* Watch out for semi colons. There are a few places where they are used incorrectly.

*NoteB* You also change tenses randomly a few times, which interrupts the flow of the writing. I've listed them below.


Ending

*NoteB* At the end I was left with a "wait, it's over?" feeling. Nothing was resolved and our questions only increase.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*if you agree to attend eleven parties, take part in everything that's on the itinerary, *XB* you need "and" after "parties" not a comma

*NoteB* *XB*He looked like a game show hosts. *XB* extra s on "hosts"

*NoteB* *XB*but there was something more to this than meets the eye. *XB* tense change, should be "met the eye"

*NoteB* *XB* I asked him, shocked, stupefied, perhaps even struck a little numb with bewilderment as I really looked at this stranger*XB* feels a bit like overkill to explain she's surprised. We get that from the stutter and the context, so you don't need to tell us again.

*NoteB* *XB* {He must be the devil! *XB* you have the end of a deleted tag in here

*NoteB* *XB* I wanted to wipe that smile off his face with my recently perfected karate chop, *XB* this was hilarious but felt like it needed context from the character? Are they taking lessons?

*NoteB* *XB*I thought for a long while about this offer, *XB* period instead of comma here

*NoteB* *XB* Well, that excludes all the men unless they are a cross-dresser! *XB* parallelism problem either "unless they are cross dressers, or unless on was a cross dresser.

*NoteB* *XB*I walked around the body and found a long blond hair on the sleeve of the dead man shirt*XB* comma after "long"

*NoteB* *XB*They escorted me over to a judge’s stand, I was to be the third judge.*XB* period instead of comma.

*NoteB* *XB*I sat down and intently watched the animals perform *XB* This is an example of an unneeded adverb and a weak verb.

*NoteB* *XB*I looked at her in surprise, then remembered I told her before that I was going there.. *XB* double punctuation. We are following this character step by step through the night, so if we didn't hear her make this comment, then it feels like you threw it in as an afterthought to advance the action.


*NoteB* *XB*until finally I found my way through.it. *XB* punctuation typo

*NoteB* *XB*everybody sat down at a table and painted whatever comes to mind. The best painting wins a prize and first prize is a new car *XB* tense change with "comes" and "wins" and "is" keep it in past

*NoteB* *XB*When it was time for me to leave; I was excited and ready for my ninth party. *XB* no punctuation needed here

*NoteB* *XB*I bravely got out of the cab *XB* weak verb and unneeded adverb. For example "I slid out of the cab" says the same thing nd we know she's brave because she's willing to go onto the scary street.

*NoteB* *XB*What else was there to do, I had to follow through with this promise I made to the devil, or whatever he was. *XB* after "do" you should have a question mark






Overall Opinion

*NoteB*
This is an interesting idea, and there were some parties that seemed really cool. I especially liked the multicolor door party. However, I didn't really understand the overall plot or character motivation. I think this could be refined a bit more. Let me know if you revise it and want some feedback.




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55
55
Review by Early
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I'm reviewing this piece in return for your review of my work. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* Your title is not really a title, but a description of the item. Even if this is just one scene, give it some kind of hook and put the "scene of fiction" in the description.

Beginning

*NoteB* "The walls of Mormont resembled frozen waves of violent seawater." As a general rule, descriptions don't hook me at the beginning of a story. However, this imagery was so unusual It dragged me in. It's quite beautiful in a dark way.

Plot

*NoteB* We don't get much of a a plot here because it's only a scene. A twisted little creature wants to make someone pay for something. Despite this sparse detail, I was really hooked by your writing and hope you'll let me know if you add more.

Characters

*NoteB* Eanatas is a sort of Golem-like character. He's small and twisted, scavenges dead bodies, and speaks in a Yoda-like dialect.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* This giant block of text is a bit intimidating at first, even though it's short as far as stories go. I recommend a line break between paragraphs. For online formating this makes it easier on the eyes. If you don't want to do that, at the very least it needs indentations.

Setting

*NoteB* Your setting was so well developed it was like watching a movie. Excellent work. For the most part you have strong verbs and not many adverbs.

Grammar

*NoteB* You have some wording and mechanics issues which I've pulled out in the line by line.

Ending

*NoteB* You leave us with a hook. We want to know who this creature is going to make pay for his torment and what his master is up to.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Endless black tunnels twisted beneath its surface *XB* you need to explain what 'its" is. Otherwise we think these tunnels are only below giant walls, from your previous sentence. Is this a castle? A prison?

*NoteB* *XB*smell of sulfur so thick it was visible *XB* explain how a smell can be visible here.

*NoteB* *XB*here *XB* watch out for repetition of this word. Read aloud to catch how many times you are using it.

*NoteB* *XB*The glow of his torch showed his red fiendish face *XB* comma after "red"

*NoteB* *XB*Black eyes glistened above a huge freakish grin, almost touching his pointed ears. *XB* comma after "huge"

*NoteB* *XB*sifting thru armor and weapons *XB* *through

*NoteB* *XB*faceted to a silver band. *XB* I could be wrong, but i don't think this verb works here. Maybe "fastened" or "soldered" to...

*NoteB* *XB*Me, me, Yes, oh me, me *XB* don't capitalize "yes"

*NoteB* *XB*Sliding two thin fingers thru it *XB* *through (eek, don't use text-language in actual writing, haha.)

*NoteB* *XB*he licked what looked like blood and dirt off the rubies. *XB* cut "like" here. We assume from the surroundings that blood and dirt are exactly what coat this ring.

*NoteB* *XB*lashing out around long , sharp teeth. *XB* extra space after "long"

*NoteB* *XB*His wings dragged the ground with each hopping step.*XB* missing "on"

*NoteB* *XB*This part of the passage was steeper and seamed in hard packed earth *XB* comma after "hard"

*NoteB* *XB*The impish creature was forced to hold on to hanging roots *XB* *onto

*NoteB* *XB*He plied his way past the side of a boulder, *XB* plied doesn't quite work here,

*NoteB* *XB*Spreading his wings he fell from the cliff. *XB* comma after "wings"

*NoteB* *XB*Each beat of wing carried him higher; *XB* cut "of wing" here. We know it's his wings.

*NoteB* *XB* he quietly plodded towards a light at the end of the short passage. *XB* cut the adverb "quietly" as plodded implies it.

*NoteB* *XB*A desk of polished ironwood sat by the warmth of a hearth, Its fire rolled great plumes of black smoke up *XB* this comma should be a period




Overall Opinion

*NoteB* There are a lot of LOTR similarities in this. A small, wicked creature finds a ring near a river of lava. He has distorted speech and may or may not have been tortured. However, he also has wings, and master. Those two things make me think you're going in an original direction. Your descriptions were superb and I had no trouble visualizing this dark setting. It made me want to read further, although the formating and mechanics hindered me a bit. let me know if you edit and I'll take another look!





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56
56
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece after reviewing an earlier related work. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I'm struggling to figure out what Lorelei is. All I divulge from these excerpts is that it seems to be a place. Possibly the name for the magical realm?

Plot

*NoteB* It's hard to review excerpts, but this seems to be about a wizard who is both detective and monster slayer. He's solitary, has a wicked wit, and landed himself a new apprentice.


Style/Voice

*NoteB* The voice or voices in your writing are superb. You have a dry sense of humor and excellent descriptive language. It honesty feels like I'm reading a published novel.

*NoteB* You have some double punctuation that needs to be eradicated *Smile*




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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*The absolute last thing you could call Michael Reeve is "incompetent". *XB* This shouldn't be third person if we are seeing things from his pov. If feels like you just twisted the sentence so we could know his name. Better to have him read it on a report or have her say it..

*NoteB* *XB*open you up and wear you like a ventriloquist's dummy*XB* haha, pretty hilarious. However, "open you up" wouldn't really be necessary to be used like a dummy. It implies more of a "use you as a canoe" image.

*NoteB* *XB*"Then you're a f***ing idiot." *XB* Why use stars in the cuss words? You could just use a higher item rating. I kind of feel like it should be 18+ now, since those words are only partially obscured.

*NoteB* *XB*Just what the hell goes on in that thick skull of yours?!" *XB* eeek, never use double punctuation. Always a question mark if you're trying to decide between that and a exclamation. The reader can infer from context and the words that it is also said in an angry manner.

*NoteB* *XB*Rat clambered onto a bookshelf *XB* Later you call him a squirrel. Why would a squirrel be named Rat?

*NoteB* *XB*with several obnoxious black streaks reaching down to her shoulders.*XB* Why are black streaks obnoxious to him?

*NoteB* *XB*This was clearly a person who wanted something, but had been kicked down all too often. *XB* Better to show this than say it outright.





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* You make me so mad. Why would you post so many excerpts and withhold the chapters. WHYYYYYYYYY. Seriously, though, I want to read this story. Get to work and post or publish the sucker.





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57
57
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece by scanning your port after receiving a review from you. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Yup, that sounds familiar. I think I did most of it last week. Who hasn't this happened to at some point? I really liked this humorous little "how not to" piece. The best part was "19. Look at the clock. Realize it says 7:00am, and your class is at 8:00am. If you are still one or more pages short, sit down on the floor and cry." I didn't quite hit that low but I've seen it happen and it's just as tragically funny in person. What I liked best was how you captured the insane rational of students who do this. How we reward ourselves for doing tiny steps and reason ourselves into putting the paper at the end of our priority list. Not gonna lie, I do also get mad at friends who are on top of their homework. It feels like a personal insult.

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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Do not, under any circumstances, look at it again until less than a week before the paper is due.*XB* I would say less than two days. A week is pretty reasonable.





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58
58
Review by Early
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece through your request. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----


*Please do not be alarmed by the mammoth length of this review. You have a very long item. I know I've already expressed this, but you would be benefited greatly by splitting this into two parts. Not many people will take the time to review something they can't read in one sitting."


Title

*NoteB* Nihilian Effect :: Alitheia Prologue(1)- is a bit daunting. You have two long, unfamiliar words, double punctuation and a number. "Nihilian Effect: Prologue" or just "Nihilian Effect" with the information about it being a prologue is in the description might help it hook more readers. .

Beginning

*NoteB* You give us a glorious description of the setting to begin with, however, I don't think you should. Settings very rarely hook a reader, because there are no actions or words. I didn't have anything to make me think "what's going to happen here". That is what you need at the very beginning of your story, and also at the beginning of each chapter. You need to convince your reader that something interesting is going on and they need to read to find out what.

Plot

*NoteB* You have a lot of characters and a lot of backstory here, all wrapped in unfamiliar languages and races. I don't often read this type of fantasy because I find it hard to adapt to whole new worlds and languages in such detail so quickly, but despite this I was intrigued.

Characters

*NoteB* The main character, Claradina, is not your typical heroin. She's plump, bookish, and brave. She also happens to be beautiful, but as far as I can tell, so is everyone else. I'm interested in seeing how she grows as a character, because she doesn't seem to have any faults.

I'm impressed that you have such detailed races and descriptions for your fantasy people. The names are a bit hard for me to follow, but the characters are so unique they still suck me in.



Setting

*NoteB* I could certainly see this piece, and what I saw was beautiful. Just to pull out bits I loved: "Lacquered wooden floor...blue strands of shimisha seaweed ... crammed with a myriad of books...yellow wax forming miniature stalagmites. But you need to space these out instead of slamming the reader all at once.

Because everything else is so fantastical and exotic, I was jarred by how normal the food was in this. You have potatoes, tea and especially sandwiches. They don't quite seem to fit the setting. Sandwiches are a very contemporary term. I would also think that the water species would eat quite differently from those with wings or cat tails (Sorry, the titles of the species are a bit much for me to remember).


Grammar

*NoteB* I'll go ahead and give you general advice here and examples. I'm only going to pull out misspellings or wrong words in the line by line so as not to overwhelm you. You should know that I found this story fascinating, but I think your style and grammar need a lot of work. It is far better to have good ideas and mechanical flaws than polished writing that is unoriginal, however. These are all things that can be easily fixed.

*NoteB* The easiest way you can make your writing stronger is to cut every adverb possible (maybe all of them) and use strong and diverse verbs. So, remove all your words ending in ly to start with, and then go back and find the ones that are harder to pick out, like "very", "nearly", "almost", "just". The reason you want to get rid of these is that they bog down the writing and make it verbose. You are almost always left using weak and non-descriptive verbs in conjunction with them. For example "The glass rattled softly in its frame". You don't need "softly" because rattled already shows us this. if you don't feel it's expressing quite the picture in your head, try "shuddered" , "clattered", "jarred" or "vibrated".


*NoteB*Repetition and verbosity is a major problem in your writing but an easy fix. Because you have so many good descriptions, the ideas get convoluted. For example.. "simple yet elegant and well-made Meraian rug that blanketed the fine lacquered wooden floor." we don't really need you to tell us that the rug is simple, well-made and elegent. You already show us with your description of the seaweed and the naiads. Furthermore, three adjectives are far too many to describe one noun in one sentence. You'll want to space your descriptions out between dialog and action so the reader doesn't get bored. Don't describe the entire room in detail before anything happens.


*NoteB* Run-on sentences and commas. You have sentences that really push the boundaries of length without quite becoming run-ons. Try reading this aloud and you will easily be able to tell which ones get a little long winded. Your use of commas is also a bit hectic and scattered. You may want to study their usage a bit and again, read aloud to find the pauses you are missing.




Ending

*NoteB* We are left wondering what Clara's punishment will be and if anyone will discover the magic-user's trickery. Excellent job leaving us with a hook!



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*spring winds blew passed the wide arched window *XB* *past

*NoteB* *XB*She was lightly plump *XB* I think you mean "slightly"

*NoteB* *XB*a tray containing a pair drinks *XB* missing "of"

*NoteB* *XB*"I consumed earlier." *XB* awkward wording, though maybe it's intentional.

*NoteB* *XB* place other scrolls along a time line in accordance with the war. *XB* timeline

*NoteB* *XB*What is it you are studying so diligently this time, if i may ask*XB* capitalize "i"

*NoteB* *XB*Lu'vina slightly raised one of her hairless brows,*XB* would you be able to see a hairless brow raise? I honestly don't know...you'd have to be close.

*NoteB* *XB*deny her for any reason they felt deemed worthy.*XB* cut "felt"

*NoteB* *XB*And if worse came to worse,*XB* "worst"

*NoteB* *XB*The smug golden-haired liange woman was taller than most *XB* Not sure what this means since everyone is a different species and heights range drastically.

*NoteB* *XB*Was she in over her head? Surely revealing the truth was the right thing to do, but what if she did not make it out alive.*XB* question mark here instead of a period. I find it a bit odd that she's just now considering that this is dangerous when her Study Clerk already warned her...

*NoteB* *XB*though she had had quite a few meetings with almost everyone she new.*XB* *knew and "had" repeats

*NoteB* *XB* born of man's own greed and wickedness *XB* so far we haven't seen a single "man" or member of the human race. You might want to choose a different term.

*NoteB* *XB*she had somehow fallen into the background, unnoticed and unknown, and she did not even notice until it had been to late.*XB* *too

*NoteB* *XB*"What is your point, child," one of the more elderly High Seats *XB* question mark after "child"

*NoteB* *XB*red hair and a lavishing violet gown*XB* not sure "lavishing" works. Try "ravishing' or "lavish"

*NoteB* *XB*"Since you pushed so hard for a hasty decision, you now have it.*XB* but we don't have it...? he doesn't tell us or her. Maybe "you will have it" would work better.






Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I found the world you created and the atmosphere of this piece fascinating. It feels a bit like the Golden Compass mixed with Star Wars (for the different species). You have ornate description of everyone and everything, which was excellent, if a bit too prevalent at times. I did want Clara to have something more in her personality, a flaw of some kind. She's just a bit too perfect to like. But since this is a prologue I'm not even sure we'll stay with her character. As far as the others, try to develop an individual voice for each of them and pare them down to only the absolutely necessary. Story aside, you need to do some cleaning up of the grammar and technique in the writing. I didn't pull out everything as far as commas, adverbs, run-ons. But I hope I gave you an idea of what to look for. Editing long works of your own can be a challenge, and reading aloud will be the best thing you can do.





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59
59
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece by your suggestion as a return review. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I'm not sure you need "Aunt Rosie's" in the title. Maybe even "Flower Stand" would work. I like a bit more mystery in titles, but that's just personal preference..

Beginning

*NoteB* Driving down a strange country road, I glanced at my watch: two hours and counting - This doesn't really hook me. Having a character check his/her watch at the beginning of a scene or story is an action that doesn't give us any meaningful information about them or any suspense. A strange country road is also a bit vague. Maybe tell us more visually about it. It might be better to begin with him sweating. This tells us he's nervous and we want to know why.

Plot

*NoteB* A young man, on his way to a date, comes across a flower shop on the side of the rode. The plot was AMAZING. True, I have a bias in favor of magical shops, but I've never read anything quite like this. My only complaint was that I didn't want it to end.

Characters

*NoteB* I wanted just a bit more info on our main character. Rosie is like a beacon of personality and visuals, and the boy is nearly blank. What does he look like? How old is he?

Style/Voice

*NoteB* This is all first person from the MC's point of view. Because of this, and the detail you give us from his thoughts, I think the story would be enhanced by actually pulling his thoughts out into italics instead of just describing them. It would allow us to get into his head even more.

Several even sat on the hood of my car! I never saw her put those there- I really liked this image. It made me laugh *Smile*, even though it's pretty creepy when I think about it.



Setting

*NoteB* The setting was well developed for the flower shop but not so much before that. I wanted to where he was and what everything looked, sounded, smelled, and felt like just a bit more. You clearly know how to do this from the descriptions you do have.

Grammar

*NoteB* Some of your colons and semi colons seemed a little suspect. I can't be sure as I rarely use them myself, but I think it's worth looking into. Most of the things I pulled out below in the line by line are not actual "errors". Just things to think about.


-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*You gave me such helpful advice that I wanted to do my best at returning the favor. Consequently I really tore into an almost perfect piece of writing trying to find things to give suggestions on. Most of these are just opinion...

*NoteB* *XB*buried under a rock. *XB* can you be buried under only one rock? Wouldn't it have to be a boulder? lol. This wording gave me pause.

*NoteB* *XB* I shook my head. It was just the wind; the stand always had been there *XB* I would cut the sentence after the semi colon. If you say it's just the wind, the rest is implied and feels like over-explaining.

*NoteB* *XB* I pulled over, it seemed nice. *XB* period instead of a comma

*NoteB* *XB*Below, in odd sparkling paint, it said *XB* Why is sparkling paint odd? If it's abnormal tell us how.

*NoteB* *XB*_I snickered as I saw the clerk: all scarves and chunky jewelry, a colorful dress. *XB* with/ and a colorful..

*NoteB* *XB* smiled at the scent of the flowers until my mouth ran dry at the thought of why I am here *XB* tense change "am"

*NoteB* *XB*looking at a dark, violet flower I had never seen before anywhere. It reminded me of cold, dark nights *XB* dark repeats

*NoteB* *XB*But the power, my friend..." *XB* the phase my friend seems out of place here. She's an "Auntie". it makes me expect her to call him "sweetie" or something.

*NoteB* *XB*How did Rosie know Sarah? No matter, probably just a lucky guess. *XB* he gets over this a bit too easily





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Usually I'm not a fan of happy endings. They feel like a cop out. But this story was awesome and I loved that you made it so darkly magical but twisted it at the end. I couldn't read this fast enough and wanted to follow this woman to see who she would sell a flower to next. Excellent story.





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60
60
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece as a return review. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.


Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I had a lot of trouble understanding this poem, and it could just be me. I don't do well with anything but the most obvious of poem, so take my comments with a an entire shaker of salt. From the title and a few of the lines I gathered that the concept is a mother making a terrible choice to save her son. Maybe she has to kill someone to let him live, though I can't see why. There is a man or creature called Dregor that wants her to commit this deed, possibly another name for death? Your mechanics were excellent, your imagery vivid, and the flow was seamless. My favorite section was decidedly the last paragraph
"No simple healer come to cure by breath,
This servant of Life must study Death..." but you suddenly switch to rhyming here, which was a little distracting. Please fill me in on the plot if you get the chance and let me know if I'm close. Feel free to send me a short story to review. I'm usually a bit better with those *Smile*.





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61
61
Review of Ball  
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
c:brown}Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece on the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1808390 by Not Available.
All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteR* Your title is very to-the-point. I was hooked by the idea of a monster ball.

Beginning

*NoteR* I didn't really find the first two lines where the monsters say 'Hey is that you" to each other much of a hook. In fact, I think the story is stronger if you just begin with troll stepping out to greet his friend and ask what's up. Any dialog you include in a story of this size needs to have a clear purpose and advance plot or character.

Plot

*NoteR* Every monster from Halloween gathers to have a last celebration before they go back into hiding for a year. I liked the idea of this story a lot, but I wasn't sure at the end anything had really happened. There was no conflict to overcome, and no rising action.

Characters

*NoteR* You had oodles of characters, but since we are all familiar with most of them, it wasn't difficult to keep track. To me they all sounded like sorority girls, which was fairly hilarious. You might try to individualize their voices a bit.

Style/Voice

*NoteR* " a pair of children’s eyes here, or an adult ear there" I think this line expresses the style quite well. You have gore mixed with a sort of high-school nonchalance. It's very unnerving, and completely unexpected.

Setting

*NoteR* I wasn't really sure where all of this was happening. We know it's in a cemetery somewhere, presumably abandoned. You might add some more details on this.

Grammar

*NoteR* You don't have much of a problem with grammar or mechanics outside of a few run-on sentences or misplaced commas. Well done! This piece is very polished in that regard. Accordingly, my suggestions aren't exactly grammatical issues, but you have a tendency to tell us things twice or over-explain things, add extra words, or use unnecessary adverbs. While they aren't actual errors, they do interrupt flow and clarity. I've pulled out examples below and added a few links that might help.

Ending

*NoteR* The ending was a bit of a let down for me. As I stated above, nothing really happened in this piece except Banshee telling everyone to party. You have a slow build up and I was left waiting for the climax.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteR* *XR*each still gushing blood, but each taken from different people. *XR* cut the part of this sentence after the comma. Immediately after this you describe the body parts as being from different people so you don't need to say it twice. The visuals are more effective.

*NoteR* *XR*the leg had belonged to a black woman as evidenced both by the skin tone and the high-heel stiletto that adorned the end of it.*XR* cut "as evidenced both by the skin tone" and just tell us it's wearing a shoe. We assume that if the leg belonged to a black woman the skin tone will reflect that.

*NoteR* *XR*occasionally stopping to scare a late-night trick-or-treater….or worse. *XR* You've already told us he's carrying an arm and a leg gushing blood. You can come right out and say what the "worse" things they do are.

*NoteR* *XR* “They taste like chicken,” he deadpanned *XR* I've never heard that used as a verb before. It's best to keep dialog tags to "said", "asked" or "answered". http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip4.html

*NoteR* *XR*caused several dogs to bark in fear.*XR* replace "bark in fear" with a more descriptive verb like "yelp" or "whine"

*NoteR* *XR*Many of their friends and peers had congregated: there was Vampire, his black cloak rippling behind him in the chill night breeze, surrounded by a bevy of blood-drained beauties; off to the side of him and his entourage stood Mummy, who was forever tending to his unraveling bandages. *XR* run on sentence

*NoteR* *XR*Like the barbeque sauce that remained after eating a delicious rib, his lips were smeared with blood. *XR* "Blood was smeared around his lips like barbeque sauce" is a more concise was of saying this. Try to avoid over-explaining. Your reader can understand/visualize more than you think.

*NoteR* *XR* He whirled quickly, ready to pounce, *XR* cut "quickly" as "whirled" implies it already.

*NoteR* *XR* With a short, stubby arm, Troll took a swing at Shadow, but Shadow was quick and returned the shot, not even missing a beat. *XR* Here is an example of wordiness. If you can say it in less words with the same effect, you always should. Eg " With a stubby arm, Troll swung at Shadow. Not missing a beat, Shadow ducked and returned the shot."

*NoteR* *XR* all bowed both in fear and respect at his notoriety. *XR* cut " at his notoriety"

*NoteR* *XR* “You got to give it to her. She’s never late with this thing.” *XR* If monster has just asked the time and she's not there yet, wouldn't it make more sense to say "she's never early" or "she's always on time?" How can he know if she's going to be late?

*NoteR* *XR*Hag, her green face pinched and warted, stirred her own black cauldron (it was twice the size of Witch’s cauldron, much to her chagrin) of eyeballs and Skeleton and her child, Baby Skeleton, were busy bobbing for them, trying to secure eyes for their own empty sockets. *XR* run on sentence

*NoteR* *XR*Edward and Bella had arrived, stealing his spotlight. *XR* These characters felt out of place to me. Firstly, everyone else is called by a generic name like "Vampire or Shadow". Edward and Bella are specific literary characters, and feel out of place. Secondly, they aren't really scary. I mean, those two are the most toothless of vampires ever, and they came to a party with monsters who sling body parts over their shoulders?

*NoteR* *XR* Abruptly a loud, harsh scream pierced the air. *XR* a scream is always "loud" so you can cut this.

*NoteR* *XR*Some of you will travel back to faraway lands with devil names*XR* What do you mean by lands with devil names? This could be explained more.

*NoteR* *XR* “I heard a lot of good things going on tonight*XR* Don't you mean terrible things?

*NoteR* *XR*Zombie and his people where able to crash some unsupervised kids party and cash in on some brains. *XR* *were

*NoteR* *XR*that we can coast these achievements *XR* *coast on





Overall Opinion

*NoteR* I think you have an interesting idea here, and I loved the approach you took with humor. However, I felt like the plot was missing its most crucial element: conflict. Let me know if you do any editing and I'd be happy to take another look. Write on!





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Review of Not Sleeping  
Review by Early
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece while scanning your port. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Excellent hook! The title gives us suspense and I want to know what exactly isn't sleeping and what it's doing instead.

Beginning

*NoteB* I loved your wording in this stanza. I was expecting rhyme, but was glad not to get it. you have a strong rhythm that carries the words much better than rhyming and without the childish undertone. I'm left with the image of a dead man in his grave, staring up blindly at his former love. It's curiously romantic despite the morbid subject and freaky imagery. It felt like a gruesome twist on the song "Danny Boy"

Concept

*NoteB*

A dead man wishes his love would stop mourning him. I think that's his motive, anyway. I really like how everything is personified and comes to life in this poem. the gravestones are "watching", he lies with "death", the earth is hungry.


Grammar

*NoteB* You had little trouble here. there were a few phrases that I thought were either confusing or could be stronger. I've pulled them out in the line by line.

Ending

*NoteB* Perfect echo from the first stanza to tie it all together.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*When I am in a godless grave
Where my bones will know no heaven, *XB* The word heaven here feels a bit repetitive. We know he's in a godless grave, so it follows that he won't know heaven.

*NoteB* *XB*Save tears for far off trees,*XB* I didn't quite get the relationship between tears and trees, much less far off trees. I do like the image, but wasn't sure of the meaning.

*NoteB* *XB*Lest you wake me with your cries. *XB* but he's not sleeping?





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This is an excellent example of dark or horror poetry. No errors, strong visuals, potent atmosphere. Write on!





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63
63
Review of The Ghostly Heart  
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece by
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Your title make sense with the plot of the story, but doesn't quite capture my attention or represent the real focus/atmosphere of your story. From this, I was expecting some sort of soppy love story where someone dies. I was pleasantly surprised by the contents, however.

Beginning

*NoteB* Your first sentence is the perfect hook. It's offhand, and understated. We know there is wizardry and we want to know what the perks are.

Plot

*NoteB* Michael does battle against a haunted house, using all the magic he can find. The plot is simple but original. I liked it quite a bit!

Characters

*NoteB* We only have one real character: the wizard Michael Reeve. We got a huge dose of his personality and he comes across as extremely likable, if a bit careless. I was left wondering how old he was and what he looked like, though.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* This was my favorite part of your writing. Your character talks to the reader and has hilarious sarcasm, personification, and understatement. One of my favorite lines was "It was an old door, rotten and crumbling, but it was clearly in denial about its age."

Setting

*NoteB* Superb job with setting. your imagery helps the writing shine. "Shingles hung from the roof like dry leaves" is an example of how vivid your wording is.

Grammar

*NoteB* your grammar and mechanics are nearly flawless. I've pulled out a few spots to consider for wording and repetition below.

Ending

*NoteB* The ending sentence of this chapter felt a bit cliche. Especially, compared to the rest of the writing.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*There are some definite perks of being a wizard.*XB* of should be to, I think/

*NoteB* *XB*Flexible hours, interesting work and a fair amount of prestige. *XB* oxford comma? :)

*NoteB* *XB*the yard was a nigh-impassable jungle*XB* "nigh" feels a bit awkward here.

*NoteB* *XB*There were no noises either.*XB* comma after "noises"

*NoteB* *XB*smothered in a great dampening bubble. *XB* smothered and bubble don't quite work together here. Maybe caught, trapped, encased...

*NoteB* *XB* The old house was dark inside*XB* cut "old" we know this from the door.

*NoteB* *XB*The air was musty and very nearly visible. *XB* cut "very". Not sure I quite get this image. because it's full of dust?

*NoteB* *XB*It drifted through the stale air like the most tenuous of smoke,*XB* smoke is tenuous already. I'd cut that word.

*NoteB* *XB*There was more silence everywhere*XB* cut "everywhere"

*NoteB* *XB*I'm glad we understand eachother.”*XB* *each other






Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I loved this piece. You combine wizards and exorcists, or ghost hunters for a really unique flavor of fantasy. Please let me know if you post more or do any revision. I'd be happy to take another look.





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64
64
Review of The Kingdom  
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece by
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Your title caught my attention. I knew we'd be getting fantasy and hopefully some magic.

Beginning

*NoteB* "raining cats and dogs" is a stock phrase, which means it's overused and cliche. I'd try to begin with something more original that will hook the reader. If you cut this and begin with "The rain pounding down on the roof somehow heightened the excitement inside me" I'm already more interested.

Plot

*NoteB* There is so much story here, and you cram it into a tiny space, like a summary. You need to slow down, build the details and characters. This is an epic fantasy that is being crushed by the tiny box it's in. You jump back and forth in time with little warning and skip over characters with only the briefest description.

Characters

*NoteB* I didn't get a real sense of any of your characters, and you threw so many at us. What makes these people different or special? They felt like stock characters from any number of fantasy novels. Give them personalities, motivations, quirks, and faults.


Setting

*NoteB* You tell us things are "wonderful, superb, beautiful, works of art" but you don't show us. I was left wanted detailed descriptions of why it was beautiful, what made it superb, how did it look, sound, feel, smell? Give us some imagery! You have a few places where I can see that you try to paint picture, like the forest and the weather. A more specific example is " The bright petals against the black mountains". That is beautiful. Bring this through the whole story.

Grammar

*NoteB* This was really overwhelming for me. I found the entire piece quite difficult to read. try reading it out loud, slowly, to yourself. You will notice the repetition and wording issues. I've pulled some of them out in the line by line.

-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*It is a story about a heiress who struggles to attain freedom.*XB* This is your item description. "a" should be "an". I know it's followed by an h, but since the h is silent you still need "an".

*NoteB* *XB* I started preparing for my pre-planned move. When my preparations were complete*XB* if you are preparing for something we know it is "pre-planned" and there is repetition of "preparation/prepare" here that gets distracting.

*NoteB* *XB* I rechecked over and over again *XB* "checked over and over" or just "rechecked". But what is this character checking? The sentence is incomplete.

*NoteB* *XB* Exactly, at midnight, I got up and quietly advanced outside closing the door behind me as silently I could.*XB* eek, too many adverbs. Maybe " At midnight, I slid outside, the door whispering shut behind me." you want to rely on verb strength and keep your wording concise to get your point across.

*NoteB* *XB* I reached the village’s boundary i.e. where the forest starts and the branches *XB* comma after "boundary"

*NoteB* *XB*According to our beliefs that was a good omen.*XB* comma after "beliefs". Whenever you have an introductory element or phrase you'll need a comma after it. http://www.mhhe.com/mayfieldpub/tsw/com-intr.htm. This is a pervasive problem in your work so I won't hammer you over the head with it and pull them all out in the line by line.

*NoteB* *XB*"and let the quiet side of me disappear behind me." *XB* Really confusing wording here. I had no idea what this meant.

*NoteB* *XB*the Moon, looking beautiful, *XB* not sure why moon gets capitalized

*NoteB* *XB*I felt the strong wind cutting through my skin *XB* that is some strong wind to "cut through skin".

*NoteB* *XB*I halted to an abrupt stop *XB* halted and abrupt stop mean the same thing. You only need one. "I halted" or "I slid to an abrupt stop" . Repetition is a key problem in this piece.

*NoteB* *XB*being the last Son of the Mighty King*XB* these words don't need to be capitalized.

*NoteB* *XB*I and my siblings *XB* *my siblings and I

*NoteB* *XB*faint orange glow was emanating from the Sun*XB* sun shouldn't be capitalized




Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Make sure you give us some spaces between paragraphs. Otherwise the big block of text is intimidating and hard to read. The punctuation and wording also made the writing convoluted. The story underneath has potential, if you slow down and give us description. It feels like the start of an epic fantasy, but it's so rushed I couldn't quite tell. Let me know if you do any editing and I'd be happy to take another look.





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65
65
for entry "RUN...
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece on
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* The title seems a bit lackluster. Not knowing the whole story yet, I can't recommend another one, but I'd try for something more symbolic or something that hooks the reader.

Beginning

*NoteB* You begin with a chase. Excellent choice! The reader immediately feels the danger and jumps into the main character's shoes. You gave us setting, character, and a hook.

Plot

*NoteB* Fidelity escapes her abusive step father just in time. I can't fault your plot, but I was a little uncertain as to what made Fidelity choose this specific time to rebel. It seems she's been beaten for a while now. What made her snap?

Characters

*NoteB* This scene gives us "step-daddy" and Fidelity. Step-Daddy is a bit of a cardboard cut out. He fits all the stereotypes of an abusive stepfather and we don't get much of his motivation of history. FIdelity is a formerly rich 17 year old (I assume from her clothes) who goes on the run when her last encounter with her step father turns deadly. You do a lot of clothing description that goes over my head. I'm not sure you need to be quite so brand specific.

Setting

*NoteB* The two characters are struggling near the staircase of a large "marble palace". We assume this is an upper middle class home or mansion. I'd like to see the overall building and area more. give us details on how it looks, smells, sounds there.

Grammar

*NoteB* Your main issues are commas, sentence structure and spelling. I've puled some of these out in the line by line. The best way to catch these on your own, though you can almost never get them all, is to read your story aloud several times.

The other things to look at are your POV and tenses. You switch from third person to second and back quite a bit, and also change from past to present tense. It becomes very confusing.


Ending

*NoteB*



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*left with am adopted daughter he never *XB*

*NoteB* *XB*her breathing got faster and faster like an old locomotive *XB* comma after second "faster"

*NoteB* *XB*She had the upper hand here because in his state*XB* comma after "here"

*NoteB* *XB*The gun was is in a little wooden safe box *XB* extra word

*NoteB* *XB*After having over a dozen cut lips, *XB* I think you want "split lips"

*NoteB* *XB*milk was to a new born *XB* *newborn

*NoteB* *XB*Your not my real father. *XB*

*NoteB* *XB*You cheated on Mom, why did she ever take you back?*XB* the comma should be a period here

*NoteB* *XB*This made Fidelity a little sad though, that meant... *XB* *This made Fidelity a little sad, though. It meant...

*NoteB* *XB*no idea wear he kept rest off the ammo*XB* *where

*NoteB* *XB*boys at school would gawk at with wanting eyes *XB* maybe "with want in their eyes"

*NoteB* *XB* The loud horrific musical sound *XB* if it's horrific it won't also be musical

*NoteB* *XB*He told her to do it, trust me, you will feel so much better when I’m gone *XB* This should be in dialog form.

*NoteB* *XB*where ever the dead people go *XB* *wherever

*NoteB* *XB*and tipped over a hallway table top*XB* *tabletop

*NoteB* *XB*You throw up on anyones Christian Dior’s and try to kill them you can turn them into an instant track star *XB* confusing wording

*NoteB* *XB* It was all down hill from her Step-Daddy’s house *XB* *downhill

*NoteB* *XB* Dyeing because it’s cold just sounded lazy *XB* *dying -not sure I get why this is lazy.

*NoteB* {e:XBbecause no body in this neighborhood is going to help a runaway*XB* *nobody

*NoteB* *XB*her chances of going to heaven were almost as slim as getting an apology. *XB* an apology from who?

*NoteB* *XB*Every little bit of her a done all of it’s giving.*XB* confusing wording

*NoteB* *XB*Fidelity had become the very sole definition of empty*XB* cut "sole" here

*NoteB* *XB*dressed for the occasion, she passes out. {e:XB} *passed (tense change)








Overall Opinion

*NoteB* The story itself is thrilling. You have a lot of tension and we definitely want this girl to escape. However, your grammar and mechanics get in the way of the story quite a bit. I'm also not sure why you chose to do the entire thing in large blue font. It's a bit distracting for me. let me know if you do any editing and I'll be happy to reconsider my rating.





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66
66
Review by Early
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece on the
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I was really expecting a fairy-tale, or anti-fairy-tale theme from your title and was a bit disappointed that I didn't get it.

Beginning

*NoteB* You start out with some assertions that are a bit outdated and conservative. Then you follow with stereotypical conversation pieces from men and women. I'm not saying there aren't some communication differences between men and women, but I'd like more scientific and informative examples.

Plot

*NoteB* I actually did like the idea here, although it felt more like a quirky romantic comedy lead in than an "article". Your "voice" in the writing shines through and is easy to like. Sort of like the woman in "my big fat greek wedding" or a Sandra Bullock movie.

Grammar

*NoteB* Loooooooots of double punctuation. please change this if nothing else. You also have some comma errors and sentence structure issues which i've pulled out in the line by line. Try reading aloud to help you catch some of these.

Ending

*NoteB* the ending and the bits about your own experiences were far more interesting. I'd rather read a personal essay about this than an article.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*why did you create men and women to be so different and then expect them to live together happily!?*XB* No double punctuation! Eek! take out that exclamation mark. lol.

*NoteB* *XB*We have been created with the desire to find someone of the opposite sex to love and who will love us.*XB* This is debatable. For one thing, some people are created with the desire to find someone of the same sex. Also, who really knows if we were created to find love or if it's just a human adaptation/label?

*NoteB* *XB*Woman: Why is he so uncaring and insenstive!!*XB* double punctuation. This problem occurs throughout the piece.

*NoteB* *XB* Now we women know that men don't give a flying feather *XB* comma after "now"

*NoteB* *XB*That's about the extent of the involvement they want to have in a wedding.*XB* Not always...

*NoteB* *XB*“I'm also busy, I also have a job *XB* period after "job" here.

*NoteB* *XB*But women, we can stay mad for days!! *XB* *But women? We can stay mad for days!!

*NoteB* *XB*Meet us halfway please! *XB* comma after "halfway"

*NoteB* *XB*They are not all players, they are not *XB* this comma should be a period






Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This article felt like a blast from the past. Men and women cannot be put in boxes like this. You had a strong personality in the writing and it was easy to read, but I didn't feel I'd gained anything but stereotypes from it. I apologize if that seems a bit rough, but it is an opinion piece and that's my opinion.





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67
67
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece as a fellow Scribe. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Your title pretty much says it all. You might try building some suspense with something more vague or misleading.

Beginning

*NoteB* At the beginning of a story we need a hook, and you give it to us. No one dares trick or treat in this town. I wanted to read more about this. Maybe give us the story of how it began.

Plot

*NoteB* There was nothing at all original about this plot, I'm sorry to say. But that's not to imply that you can't fix it. We have all seen a movie about some sociopath killer who attacks teens making out at night in an isolated area. You gave us a hint of a twist with the girl's face reminding him of his mother, but earlier you say he has no feelings. If that were so, he wouldn't care if she looked like his mother. Expound upon this. Why is his mother the only thing that makes him hesitate? Why/how did she die? Who are these teens and why should we care if they are killed?

Style/Voice

*NoteB* I got just a hint of some imagery and descriptive language with your comparison of the teen's making out to a "dance of lust". Add more of this. Give us sound, sight, touch, smell. Make the story come alive!


Grammar

*NoteB* Your story is completely without paragraphs, which makes for difficult reading. Break it up, add commas. Read the entire thing aloud so you can catch repetition and awkward wording.

-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Once again Halloween came around and as the usual for the past decade not one person was planning to trick or treat.*XB* A better way to say this might be -you need a comma after "around". "as usual for the past decade" sounds a bit weird. You may want a separate sentence after this one that says "this had been going on for a decade."

*NoteB* *XB*Not one jack o' lantern lite a porch *XB* *lit

*NoteB* *XB* In the shadows though stood a person he was 6" 11' tall with a muscular build.*XB* comma after "shadows" and "though"

*NoteB* *XB*He wore a black tee shirt and jeans. *XB* *T-shirt

*NoteB* *XB* His face covered with a mask. *XB* missing word *was

*NoteB* *XB*He thought to himself about the countless people *XB* cut *to himself * you can't think to anyone else.





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This felt more like a summary of a story than an actual story. Don't rush through. Develop your characters with personalities and quirks. There was nothing here to make us connect with any of the characters. They were all flat stereotypes that could have been pulled directly from "Halloween" or a dozen other slasher films. Your basic story-line is a good start, but you'll need to work on this to make it original. Please let me know if you do and I'll be happy to give you a new review and rating.





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68
68
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece as a fellow member of {bitem:1640491 }. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense. If there is something you don't agree with, know that I'm still learning as well and could well be wrong. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* I like the connection here to the original story, but perhaps a slight change in the title would give it both the familiarity hook and some originality to draw us in.

Beginning

*NoteB* I liked your beginning a lot, commas and minor wording issues aside. You give us the characters, the setting, and enough of a connection to the original tale that we're drawn in. Well done!

Plot

*NoteB* Alice is having a tea party when the Queen and Mr. Walrus interrupt. Your plot was sickening and you carried it out well, dropping subtle hints and then punching the reader in the face at the end with reality.

Characters

*NoteB* I love what you did with "lovely Mumma" and the Queen. I wasn't quite sure if she was ever lovely or if that was completely in Alice's head. Alice herself was a perfect depiction of a young girl in a terrible situation. Her fantasies gave her personality, which made me connect to her.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* "the nasty old queen of hearts and all the headless toys running about the place." You have a delightfully sweet narration in this piece at odds with the gory story. I LOVE it. You also have vivid imagery that I could watch in my mind like a movie. Magnificent job on that. I especially liked the paragraph about the sunflowers nodding and the music box. Really excellent!


Setting

*NoteB* Your setting was vivid, although the visuals got bogged down a bit in adverbs. I'd also like a bit more sensory detail as far as smell, sound, and touch to round it out. The setting was a very clear, strong element of your story, though. Well done.

Grammar

*NoteB* Commas seem to be lacking throughout most of this piece. I've pulled out examples in the line by line and given brief explanations. You will never be able to get every comma correct without assistance (at least I cure can't) so no worries on this. I find it helps to read the story aloud.

*NoteB* Adverbs are overused to make up for weak verbs. The best example I can give you is your very first line.:/c} Alice sat in front of the mirror brushing her hair studiously. "sat" in this instance should be replaced by a verb that describes the way in which she is sitting so that your adverb "studiously" doesn't have to be there, or perhaps "brushing" is what you're trying to alter, in which case it seems unnecessary. this makes for clean, vivid writing. For example, Alice perched in front of the mirror brushing her hair studiously.





Ending

*NoteB* I did not see that coming. It was a horrific twist but very well executed.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB* Without further hesitation she stepped through to join them.*XB* This is what we call an introductory clause. if you can hack off the first part of the sentence and it's sill grammatically complete, add a comma. " Without further hesitation, she stepped through to join them."

*NoteB* *XB* Alice sat in front of the mirror brushing her hair studiously*XB* comma after mirror. A reverse example of the introductory clause. You could hack off the end and it would still be complete.

*NoteB* *XB* She could see the sun streaming through the wide double windows i*XB* Comma after "wide" since you have two adjectives for windows.

*NoteB* *XB* The sunlight made the golden flecks of the embossed wallpaper sparkle brilliantly. *XB* Here's another example of that adverb issue. If instead you say " The golden specks of the embossed wallpaper sparkled in the sunlight." you are giving the same image without the weight of unneeded words.

*NoteB* *XB*There was already a place set for her, she knew it was hers because it was the only person sized seat at the charming little table. *XB* This needs to be two sentences.

*NoteB* *XB* “You're late Alice.” rabbit scolded. “*XB* “You're late, Alice,” Rabbit scolded. “ (3 changes) offset name, comma inside quotations, capitalize name.

*NoteB* *XB*“Take a seat and lets drink some tea.”*XB* "let's"

*NoteB* *XB* “I'm sorry rabbit dear.”*XB* “I'm sorry, Rabbit, dear,”said Alice sweetly. I'm a fan of cutting dialogue tags unless they are "said", "asked" or "answered".

*NoteB* *XB*At these sensible words they all took their seats and Alice picked up the darling little teapot to start filling up everybody's dainty, miniature cups which her friends still had to pick up two handed, or pawed. *XB* run on sentence.

*NoteB* *XB* “Can you believe this is the second time I've had to have my head sewn back on in a year.” Exclaimed Hatter with a laugh. *XB* The period should be a question mark, Exclaimed should be asked

*NoteB* *XB*Maybe it wasn't the queen, She never waited. *XB* this comma should be a period

*NoteB* *XB*“Alice honey, can I come in?”*XB* comma after "Alice"

*NoteB* *XB* “Of course mumma.” Replied Alice. *XB* the period inside the quotation marks should be a comma

*NoteB* *XB* “I thought I heard you having a tea party, these treats should help some rumbling bellies.”*XB* comma should be a period

*NoteB* *XB*“Of course mumma.” *XB* make sure to capitalize names or words used as names such as "Mumma".

*NoteB* *XB*“I love you lovely mumma. *XB* comma after "you"

*NoteB* *XB*“ And I love you too dear, anything for my little buttercup.” *XB*

*NoteB* *XB* Giving one last squeeze Alice turned back to the table where all the toys had started digging into the food heartily.*XB* comma after "squeeze"

*NoteB* *XB*The party goers sat back in their chairs full to the brim and carried on their conversation of all the happenings of late. *XB* comma after "chairs" and "brim"

*NoteB* *XB*“Quickly Alice, clean up, we've got a...” *XB* comma after "quickly" and period after "up".

*NoteB* *XB*Alice was wrong, it was the queen, how could she miss the daunting crown *XB* This should be three separate sentences.

*NoteB* *XB* “No time for your ******Alice. Mr Walrus is waiting.” *XB* comma after ******

*NoteB* *XB*“Snap out of it Alice” yelled her mother. *XB* comma after "it" and "alice"





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This is an excellent story, though the subject matter is horrifying. You set it up and lead us through a fantasy land and then rip us out into a harsh reality. Please do not be discouraged by the corrections or the rating. You have a great story here that just needs a bit of polishing. The story idea is definitely a five, so let me know if you do some editing and I can look over my rating again.





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69
69
Review of The Museum  
Review by Early
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece while browsing your portfolio. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* From reading this excerpt, I had no clue how the title related to the story.

Beginning

*NoteB* If this is the beginning of the story, you're going to need a better hook. Start off actually showing us the scene with touch, smell, sounds, and more visual. Give us some dialogue and a bit of conflict. Tellings us that there is a girl in a museum with a strict professor doesn't grab our attention.

Plot

*NoteB* As far as I could gather, either the girl or the portrait is magical and can transport the girl, or maybe just her mind, to another world. I couldn't tell if this was real or something she imagined.

Characters

*NoteB* You start this section off saying "Inside the museum Aditya was waiting for them. ". We don't know who Aditya is or who "them" is. You then tell us about the professor and eventually get to Shreya, the main character. We know she's in college presumably because there is a professor but there are no other indicators. We also know that she has a tumultuous home-life, but not why/how this is. You may want to be slightly more specific here to grab the reader's interest.

Setting

*NoteB* Inside some kind of museum somewhere...

Grammar

*NoteB* Grammar is a large issue in this piece. Commas are missing, vocabulary is misused, and capitalization is hectic. There were many places that I could tell you were trying to express beautiful and artistic sentiments, but the meaning was confounded by the language. I've pulled out examples of this in the line-by line. Make sure to edit your work before posting.


-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Inside the museum Aditya was waiting for them. *XB* comma after "museum" because you have an introductory phrase here.

*NoteB* *XB*He gave a simulated smile *XB* this is a bit verbose

*NoteB* *XB*His bulky body and stern voice made clear that he is not going to tolerate any infringement or misbehavior *XB* This is an example of telling rather than showing. Have the man actually speaking here and show how his words have this effect.

*NoteB* *XB*_shreya's group strolled near the portrait and painting column*XB* Name should be capitalized.

*NoteB* *XB*they were showing scare and insecurity.*XB* incorrect grammar with "showing scare". try something like "They showed fear.."

*NoteB* *XB*thought of her own life, it was not different from the girl in the portrait *XB* surely it must be a little different. "it was not much different" or "was similar to" would be more accurate.

*NoteB* *XB*The frequent altercation*XB* altercations*

*NoteB* *XB* lightening alarmed a coming tempest*XB* incorrect usage of "alarmed"

*NoteB* *XB*Hay Shreya! *XB* should be "Hey, Shreya!"

*NoteB* *XB*What are you looking so attentively in this grim portrait?" *XB* This sentence has a missing word. Additionally, The language is far too stiff for dialogue.

*NoteB* *XB*her friends were waiting for her, desperate and agitated. *XB* would her friends really be "desperate" because she was a little late? If so, they're a bit dramatic.

*NoteB* *XB* shreya once again casted a glance at the portrait *XB* capitalize the name.





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* It was hard to form an overall opinion of this because it's only an except and we don't get the whole plot. You have some serious mechanical issues to work out which are listed in the line by line and the grammar section of my review. As far as the story idea, I do like it. The concept of a magical portrait is not a new one, and I immediately thought of "The Portrait of Dorian Grey" and of course the Narnia series where the children are transported into the painting of a ship. While the basic idea isn't original, you do take it in a new direction and I'd be interested to see where it goes. If you end up doing any editing, feel free to let me know and I'll take another look at the story and my rating.





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70
70
Review of Cat Napping  
Review by Early
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,


-perhaps more visually specific that "multicolored" would be tortoiseshell or calico.
-I loved the line "Glistening in the light of the sun, looking Like fine lines of wire."
-Twitch as if tickled comma after "twitch"
-The ending is magnificent.

Overall
Very nice poem with a few excellent visuals. try to be as specific as possible with every word and avoid vague language.
71
71
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I found your piece by your request. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Not sure that the title quite does the story justice.

Beginning

*NoteB* I would recommend putting the dialogue first and the setting after it. You want your story to have a hook at the very beginning and knowing that it's a sunny day in June doesn't quite get the job done. Better yet, leave the first paragraph off and try to weave that information into the story instead of giving it in a chunk.

Plot

*NoteB* Two girls go for a hike in the woods and discover a shadowy secret in an old cabin. I love the concept. It has all of the makings of a magnificently scary story. However, I think you need to include more about the old man's death and who/what the shadow creatures are. Why did they take the little girl and what did they do to her? This was all unexplained and is potentially the most interesting part of the story.

Characters

*NoteB* The name Lois is rather dated (though pretty). I've never met anyone except my grandmother with that name, so unless you'd like the story set in the past you may want to pick something different.

Setting

*NoteB* I couldn't quite get a handle on when this story took place. The names and the language suggests that it happened a long time ago.

Grammar

*NoteB* You have some mechanical problems in this piece which I've pointed out in more detail below. It's mostly commas and sentence structure. A few misspelled words or missing spaces. They will be easily fixed and you should let me know if you edit them as I will revise my rating.

Ending

*NoteB* This story has a great lead-up but the ending was a big let down. Nothing is explained and it's sort of just like "and everything worked out for the best". Not quite what I look for in a story as scary as this one.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*We find many interesting items there for our collections.*XB* oops tense change here. It should be *found

*NoteB* *XB* "dusty country road" *XB* is a bit of a stock phrase and is used twice in close proximity near the beginning.

*NoteB* *XB*barking happily*XB* maybe "yipping"

*NoteB* *XB* oak and pine trees cast its shadow *XB* *cast their shadows

*NoteB* *XB*looked as if it greedily wanted more territory to claim as its own *XB* awkward adverb placement, maybe "was greedy and wanted..."

*NoteB* *XB*Entering the forest, a large target was awaiting some hunter to take aim at it. *XB* I'm not sure I understand this visual. Is there just a bulls-eye sitting out?

*NoteB* *XB*Lois excited voice rang out, as she spotted the creek ahead*XB** Lois'

*NoteB* *XB*Say, what do you say to hiking up to the cabin and explore it when we're finished here*XB* *exploring
“He died under suspicious causes*XB* *died from suspicious....

*NoteB* *XB*The morning past swiftly*XB* *passed

*NoteB* *XB*After the large amount of rainfall we had, the tumbling waterfalls became thunderous to our ears.*XB* This makes it seem as though it is raining and becoming thunderous right then instead of already having happened. *The tumbling waterfalls thundered in our ears, swelled from the season's heavy rainfall.

*NoteB* *XB*"I loved the atmosphere up here" *XB* your sentence structure after this point gets very repetitive for a paragraph or two. You use an introductory clause in nearly every sentence. try reading it aloud to see where you can reword.

*NoteB* *XB*Lois observed, giving a little shiver..*XB* double punctuation

*NoteB* *XB*“Yes!” I answered finally, still in disbelief, maybe shock, *XB* last comma should be a period

*NoteB* *XB*I didn't let on to Lois though. *XB* comma after "Lois"

*NoteB* *XB*“Why didn’t you run as I did?”*XB* stiff language, especially for a child.





Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This was kind of surreal for me because my grandma's name is Lois and she owns a farm. Not only that, but your descriptions sound exactly like what my cousins and I used to do, hunting for railroad spikes and arrowheads. I felt really connected to it.

*NoteB* Overall you have some minor mechanics to work out. I think this story has a LOT of potential and I really enjoyed reading it, but I don't feel it's quite finished or resolved. Let me know if you do any plot revisions as well and I'll be happy to look over it again!





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72
72
Review by Early
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello

Overall

This is a very depressing and interesting story, however, I'm not sure it has been structured in the most effective way. The beginning makes it seem like a cautionary tale about medication mixing and by the end it seems more like a cautionary tale about marriage. I wanted to know more about the main character (you?). I wanted you to show me what these characters looked like, what their lives were like and how they felt. They fell flat, although I could feel that there was more to them you hadn't expressed or described here.

I think this piece needs to be read aloud because it has a lot of mixed phrases and awkward wording. It seems like a very sad story of which you barely skim the surface. The narrator, which I assume is you, doesn't seem as emotional as I'm sure you must be about this. I didn't really get any feelings aside from mild hurt and disgust.

This piece feels like a rough draft of a much longer and more descriptive personal essay. It must be difficult to write about, but I think you have a good start.

Suggestions

You seem to have a lot of extra spaces in here

Not sure this needs to all be in bold. It's a little distracting.

and if t's combined with other - It's

knew closely-I'm not sure you know people "closely". I think you can be close to them or know them well, and this seems like a
combination of the two phrases.

He didn't look for another doctor who would, until next time. -the wording here is confusing. I'm not sure what you mean.

When they finally took effect, I wasn't in pain anymore, but they had a reverse effect on me. Most people get drowsy. - When they finally took effect, I wasn't in pain anymore. Most people get drowsy from them, but they had the reverse effect on me.
That part was okay, because I was able to get a lot of things done. . It got to be- extra period here

-Early

73
73
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,


Overall:
You are entitled to your opinion, although I didn't feel you proved it or presented it clearly in this essay. What I gathered from the work was that you felt alcoholism wasn't an illness/disease because you physically could just stop doing it. However, there are all kinds of diseases and what one person may be able to overcome without outside help, another may not. mental illness and addiction are complex and individualized issues. Frankly, I found this essay offensive, but objectively I think you should work more on clarifying your argument, defining terms, and providing more proof than what simply your personal belief and your own experience. It seems dangerously close to claiming mental illness isn't real.


Suggestions:
For years I drank allot- a lot

"...helps them to quit the cycle of addiction."If you don't believe in "addiction" you might want to put this in quotation marks or use another phrase.

I do not believe in the “disease” of addiction. - you say this but later you refute it and say some people are addicted to alcohol physically.

a disease like cancer that just appears out of nowhere;- cancer sometimes does have a preventable cause such as smoking or being around chemicals

did choose to drink-allot.- a lot
74
74
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

This chapter helps move the story along but seems a bit stereotypical of a vampire tale, like you're rushing to get all of the explanation out of the way.

Emily making sure I had three meals a day (even though neither Daniel or I required it)- lol!


Suggestions:


I find it interesting that medication can affect him. this might be something that requires explanation, considering food dissolves in his system.


Suggestions

Collins frequent check ins- Collin's frequent checkins

Perhaps this was best, considering I had much to think about and none of it was very good thinking material.- try something other than "good thinking material", as I'm not sure what this means. Maybe "helpful to recovery" or something like that.

but knowing I was now to sturdy and graceful for my legs to actually buckle beneath me. - too sturdy

Again I am not really hearing an Irish accent in my mind when I read this. It's more formal English with an occasional Aye.

Again I find it bizarre that they call each other brother instead of using names.

I’ll show you how your going to survive for the next- you're

“And they say that the Red Cross has no purpose these days.” -why would anyone say that?

tamper off to a more suitable level.”-taper off

Expect to be much more agile, yet you’re no faster - how can you be more agile but no faster?

“Every things fine, Molly. -Everything is

You switch suddenly to using "you" instead of the third person and then fall back out of it quickly.



Overall

I don't really feel any connection to the main character. We don't know what he looks like, how old he is, what he likes or hates, why he was on drugs, what makes him...him. Again I'd like a better sense of where they are and what it looks, smells, sounds, feels like. Let me know if you do any revisions.

Early


75
75
Review by Early
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello,

Comments

I like the idea here, it's an original take on the origins of vampires, but I think you will need to work on the story to give it some depth and a more readable flow. The best way to do this is to read the story aloud with all the accents and see if you can hear individual voices and characters and tell if the flow is interrupted in places. Then i'd suggest making some notes on each of your characters to give them some physical description and personalities. Please take my comments and suggestions below as only opinion that you can use or discard as you will.

Suggestions

The beginning of this story is really disjointed and confusing. I'd suggest separating the phone calls from the rest with italics, font size, or a line of some kind. Alternatively you could just point out in the writing that those are messages. Are they playing on a machine or just being recorded on a phone?

he echoed in such an accent, you’d think we were back home in Ireland instead of New York. -this line seems awkward. Does the main character not have an accent, if so why does his brother?

My eyes started to focus on the walls around me, surprised that they no longer danced and swayed. -this wording makes it seem like his eyes are surprised instead of him.

“I was beginning to wonder when you’d come around.” Emily O’Donoghue said - It seems odd to include the last name here. Wait for it to come up in the story. Don't force it.

I could only imagine her hugging him tightly as was most certain she was.
-awkward wording

“He’ll adapt to it in a years.”
-missing word

I find it very distracting that they all call each other "brother" and sister" all of the time instead of using their actual names. i've never met anyone who does this.

The part about their father's story seems thrown in at random as an explanation. You could begin the story with the legend or weave it in better through the thoughts of the main character.

Your character voices all seem the same and dip in and out of formal English and Irish accents.


lighter than expected, and relief flooded every ones face. “And what person, would take chance at passing up something Emily has cooked?”
-if you cut this part off the ending is excellent.


Overall:

This story felt rushed and unpolished to me. I was given no setting, hardly any character description, and no background. I did like one character, which was Daniel. He seemed the most formed and I could picture him in my mind. Other than that they all blended together and seemed to have little personality or motivation. If this is a family curse that they heard about as children, then tell us the original story. I'd be happy to re-read if you do any revisions.

Early
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