I read this soon after you first posted a link in my review forum and was sufficiently captivated that I began putting together some thoughts on it. It's taken some time to get back to it, but I note now that a good many of my initial points are no longer relevant. You had someone go through the piece and clean up all the formatting issues that had made it so difficult to get through. This is good. It's a much more user-friendly story to read now.
There are some nuts and bolts issues still that you need to deal with, all involving punctuation and getting some important word usages straight, but those are the kind of things you can learn from a good grammar book, and I suggest you acquire one and get acquainted with the rules. Not knowing them will keep you from being taken seriously, and I think you have enough going for you that you should be taken seriously. A character like Johah and the story you've envisioned for him can't be learned in a book. One has a feeling for it, or they don't. I think you do. You have a good bit of work ahead of you in the area of plot dynamics and narrative style, but the underlying core of this story is strong; my suggestions will be in the area of giving it a more dramatic treatment.
Anyone writing a story in this style and genre must accept the fact that they will be compared to the elephant who's always in the room with you: Stephen King. My own take on King is that if he'd only published the top 25% of his output he'd be just as successful and far more respected by "serious" critics. Still, even his most bloated, self-indulgent work shows a kind of savant genius with plots and a flair for creating characters that seem like they might be someone who lives next door, people we believe are real. Jonah and Lucas would be quite comfortable in a King novel, and their situation likewise compares favorably with King's better stuff. Where you stumble, I think, is in thinking that you have a short story here. It's not a compressed novel, yet, but with a little more thought it could certainly be a full-fledged novel, You'd need a third act, and an outer story to go with the personal drama you've already created. Those are decisions you might want to consider farther along in the process of fine-tuning this. Meanwhile, let's talk about what you've come up with already, and how you seem to be working against yourself.
Regardless of whatever "story" is taking place on the surface, tales like this always build on the same underly situation: the intrusion of the supernatural into our mundane, everyday world, and the growing awareness of one or more characters of this reality. The progression is always similar. First there's utter disbelief, perhaps even a refusal to see what is right before our eyes. Then we have equivocation, where what's seen is accepted, more or less, but dismissed as "coincidence," or maybe "exhaustion," or any of a dozen interpretations, none of which hold up to logic, but which still seem more logical than accepting a magical/supernatural interpretation. And then there is the long transition from disbelief to belief, during which all manner of emotions are relevant: anger, horror, fear, resistance, terror... We don't handle the unexplained easily, and the only explanation that works continues to seem impossible. But finally the point is reached where we have to accept the unacceptable: yes, there is a vampire in the big house at the top of the hill; yes, a person we've known to be dead for years is waling around in broad daylight and seems to be stalking us; yes, Mother really is possessed by a demon; or, as in the case of Lucas, yes, Jonah possess profound powers for good and evil.
Your primary flaw throughout is you've denied Lucas that normal process of coming to terms with the unimaginable. I don't know about you, but the first time I saw someone like Jonah floating above his bed, glowing like blue neon, it would be time for 1) a priest; 2) a shrink; 3) a cop; or 4) a ticket on the first bus out of town. Lucas has none of these reactions. He has almost no reaction, as though he'd simply looked in on Jonah and saw him petting a cat, or watching cartoons or otherwise engaged in some sort of interesting but benign activity. It's not that he ignores what he's seen; his reaction is simply inappropriate to the situation. So not only have you telegraphed the reveal at the outset (the reveal being that, yes, Jonah really is possessed of profound powers that are beyond his control), you deny Lucas the type of progressive process of realization that allows the reader to get involved. Lucas's growing horror / terror / fear / faith / whatever will be the reader's as well. Absent that, there is nothing for the reader to do other than stand passively to the side while your narrators tells them all the things they'd rather be experiencing for themselves.
You need to do a lot more thinking about your narrative approach, how to incrementally increase the tension while still telling your story. Right now, almost all the situations involving Lucas's confrontation with Jonah's capabilities are absolute game-changers. You need to manage events with more thought to building tension. Postponing the levitation scene is a good point, but look also at the scene involving the goldfish. Not the least of the problems with that scene is that while Lucas is your main character—all things in the story are filtered through his perception—he tells us that he wasn't there to see the goldfish die and didn't know there was a connection to Jonah. So who saw it happen? And who is telling us about it? Be careful of those rookie errors. But that's easily fixed, if you address the deeper problem, which is that you've wasted a great plot point.
I really like how you have Jonah's environment responding to his moods, but, again, don't telegraph everything all at once. Don't pretend that such a condition is anything but extremely bizarre, and give your characters, and your readers, a decent time frame in which to absorb the altered reality. That means sprinkle clues around. Don't foreshadow. Don't light up bright neon signs trying to catch your readers' attention. Just tell your story, the story of Lucas slowly, steadily, inexorably gaining deeper and deeper appreciation of Jonah's special gifts. Maybe at first he just notices the clouds roll across the sun when Jonah is sad, that the sun comes out when he's happy. But not so obviously that he immediately thinks "This guy's possessed." Remember, we'll hold out for "coincidence" as a catch-all explanation long after we sense that more is involved. Just don't hit us with so much evidence that we have to abandon everything we know all at once. When Lucas discovers the goldfish, you might have it come after a session where Jonah once again seemed to block the sun with clouds. Perhaps this is the third such time he's noticed this "coincidence," and then he discoveres the goldfish. Now the nagging doubt grows a bit stronhger. Maybe make the hair stand up on the back of his neck. (Preface this with a scene where Jonah is captivated by the fish and enjoys watching them. That will emphasize the significance of the their death all the more). Then perhaps Lucas sees Jonah resurrect the fly, but again not with enough certainly about the implications. Keep it ambiguous, both for Lucas and for the reader. Bide your time. Wait for the big moment until the time is right, and postpone it until your reader is positively squirming in their seat.
Which brings me to something you need to engineer into your story: a plot. There really isn't one. What's going on with Lucas and Jonah is what I'd call an inner story, mostly Lucas's, as he comes to terms with Jonah. But you have no outer story. There's nothing larger at stake for Lucas. No project. No goals. No objectives that drive him in his own arc. Where a story becomes three dimensional is in the interaction between inner and outer stories, their blending and cross-pollination, until at the proper moment, they come together, whether in harmony or in conflict, usually propelling events into a nice, organic third act. In the case of the conditions that you've set up, Jonah's powers, which currently have no real result other than to exist, would become a crucial factor in Lucas's story.
What story, you may ask? Dunno. He's not my character. But anything's possible. He's just getting his home underway. Perhaps he's applying for funding and needs to impress some big shots. You an just bet that Jonah would find a way to interferes with those efforts. Perhaps there's something else going on in the town that threatens to interfere with Lucas's own goals and Jonah's displeasure has implications in the world beyond. Truth is, with powers as strong as Jonah's the climax needs to be something apocalyptic, of Biblical proportions. All he does now is ride his bike down a hill. The point is that so far, your story is all about your set-up, and it's a good set-up, but set-ups aren't stories. They're the fertile ground in which a story takes root and grows. So. Given these characters, and this unique set of conditions, what events in the world are generated from, and affected by what you've put in motion?
Right now the answer to that question is "Nothing." Which is why you abandon Lucas at the end, jump inside Jonah's head and arrive at a conclusion that is wholly unsatisfying. You've done a lot to reel your reader in, to make him care about Jonah and wonder what's going to happen. You need to make something happen.
I'd also give more thought about Jonah's mother. I have no quarrel with her being a corporeal being at the start and transforming into something far more malevolent and supernatural at the end, but you have to make us believe it. A shift like the one you've created is too jarring for us to accept. We'll think "Huh, this makes no sense." Like the way you should reveal Jonah's powers, you need to give us at least a clue that dear old Mom is not just a metaphorical witch, but perhaps a real demon.
Which is why I suggest that what you've come up with here, rather than a short story, is an unfinished novel. There is a lot here, and, by my reading, a good bit yet to write, if your initial conditions are to have their proper unfolding. I think it's worth the trouble and effort that it would take. I really want to see how Jonah turns out. |
|