I just love this! What a great imagination you have;
You wrote:
(God said:)“Give me a break, go on, ten more minisets.”
(Jesus said:)“It’s minutes dad and no, we have a big day... Did you get started on that man thing we discussed yesterday?”
LOL
and You Wrote:
This was their ninth attempt at creating a working planet and so far, DUE TO GODS LAZY EFFORTS and his silly ideas for life forms, all had failed in no more than, what we now know as two years.
LOL!
Oh! and this!
“What... is... that?” Jesus asked in a series of short gasps of terror.
“Oh it’s not that bad...” Moaned God as he struggled to get a pair of tight silver pants on.
“It’s a copy of me!... you lazy bastard!” Jesus shrieked as his whole body started to shake.
[As yet - sounds better]As of yet, I have not have had the legal (and spiritual) liberty to add to my collection of stories. Now that my period of fear and silence has passed, I shall take pen to paper once more and immortalize an event. I regret to say that as of again, .. [try - AS AGAIN... it's a grammatical sense of what looks right...]
also a typo here ...i had taken
and ...However i was allowed to take walks
This very nicely written - I enjoyed the descriptive language here -
You Wrote:
Her eyes matched the water in everything but intensity and seemed to quiver in the failing light of the sun. I watched entranced as a body of water rose up in a channel and developed into what could only be described as a water sculpture.
However this should read...
Suffice to say this concerned area experienced surprising weather changes that were mostly in [FOR] the good of the people.
and I think it does need a little more revision; as, in telling' what is, essentially a mythical tale, one must be careful to stay 'In scene' - I notice a more modern coloquialism creeping into the speech i.e. every-day language.
Well researched, well written, ... and thanks for the recipes! You're SO write! (Oops! - right)
The rite of cooking a good, home cooked meal SHOULD be revived! The RENAISSANCE of Well Prepared Fare, as opposed to Unhealthy Fast Food - it's for EVERY BODY!
I like the following because I think that they represent original thinking..
You Wrote:
1)'I figure names get ye nawhere in life. If somdody is affected bi yer presence, then he can go an’ make up a name fae ye. An’ if yer well known, others’ll know who he’s talking about.”
2)Twenty days ago I left my home in the Highlands to search for a new life because I don’t want my past to be who I will be.
However, this should blend better...
You wrote:
'Cutting back to present time. I just heard the high pitch scream of our hunters.'
Try to blend this in less crudely.. e.g. 'A high pitched scream cut into my reverie...'
The same could be said about this excerpt:
You wrote:
I’m not sorry for breaking in the middle of my story to say this. The here and now is more important than what I might have said to a few men in a pub almost three weeks back..'
..and the FOLLOWING CAPITAL'D PIECE highlighted jarrs .. the terminology somehow (??!!?) does not sit well with the other writing (which I like)
You wrote:
There were no streets, just streams and ponds. What was not a yard owned by one family was a sprawling field owned by everyone. The river I'd crossed to get there ran in front of all the homes and fields. IT DIDN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO KNOW THE colony depended on that river: fishing equipment lay on its banks or tied to primitive bridges along its shallows. A line of young men dug out new trenches to guide the river’s water to a fresh field nearby.
Summary:
I don't know how long that you have worked on this piece i.e. first draft or other' - but it still needs work - never-the-less, it's a charming story!
Is this an excerpt or do you intend to keep it as a short story (lends itself to either-way)
As a complete story - I think it needs a little more drama or something more exciting to end with - however, it IS well written - dialogue stands up well,
and it's the sort of story that you could take places.. i.e. extend it, or top up the end, as I suggested earlier
...Fair enough! okey dokey! Anyway, even free membership offers the opportunity to write and review (and sometimes, even be reviewed) (tongue in cheek, last bit)
By reviewing, I have learnt things about poetry, for example; (the meaning of Haiku, pantoums/pantuns
pantun | n. Also -toum | -tum | . L18. [Malay.] A Malay verse-form, also imitated in French and English, with an abab rhyme scheme.
Will include in Public Review for other novices like me
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