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Review of One Final Story  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello JACE

*Umbrellao*This is a Showering Acts of Joy review*Umbrellao*
I am reviewing
 One Final Story  (ASR)
Sometimes a little push is all that's needed.
#1851556 by JACE


INITIAL REACTION

Your story had a strong beginning and a powerful ending. I loved that we were following this stylus from era to era. Yes it was quick, this is a short story, but you managed to paint a vivid picture from the early storytellers, to the first scribbles on clay, then to a young Russian woman and finally, her son who thrived in America. I thought this story was extremely well-written and definitely an interesting (and relevant) character to go with.

PLOT

The idea of the blessings that came with the written word is really interesting. One of my favorite stories is the Arabian Nights, and there's a lot of blurriness and debate about what stories actually art part of this, which ones were added later, what the real version is, etc. Maybe this game of Chinese whisper made the stories more interesting, because as you wrote, everyone would add their own embellishment.
The pride of the pen at the end of the story was very palpable. I liked that.

EDITS

he has strived to record his life
To me it would have been clearer if you wrote 'man has strived etc' because it wasn't immediately apparent who the 'he' was referring to.

to transport those in their small circle
I found it odd that you used this phrase. Why do sayers, shamans, storytellers oversee a small circle of people? I think some storytellers actually told tales to entire villages and communities. I would simply say they transported 'people'.. but maybe that wasn't what you meant?

Stories of great deeds and overcoming adversity by members of their tribe
Before this sentence you mention individuals who were held in high esteem for being great storytellers. So this sentence didn't make sense to me in the context of the paragraph. Were the tribe members telling stories about those indiduals or...? The underlined part doesn't fit into this sentence when I read it.

reap positive benefits of the written word.
reap positive benefits from the written word OR
read the positive benefits of the written word

Thank you for the wonderful read!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Misty Crade !

It has been a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in my review are based only on my opinion.

This is review [5/5] from "The Coffee House " 

*CoffeeV* Overall Impression:

Interesting chapter that let us know more about Kenyon and his brother, and their relationship with their aunt.

*CoffeeV* Characters:

There were some inconsistencies in the way Kenyon sees himself. In one paragraph he talks about how his brother easily shows off his physique, and that he himself, though well built, still feels like a gangly teenager. However once he goes home he checks himself out and talks about how he's a good looking guy and wonders why the girl he has a crush one wouldn't want to fall into his arms. So it sort of contradicts his views on himself.

*CoffeeV* Plot:

We get a little hint as to the type of 'creatures' Kenyon and his family belong to that puts them out of the league of vampires and werewolves. That was quite interesting and made me curious to know more about what they are, and how they suddenly became physically different than before moving out to their aunts place.

*CoffeeV* Suggestions:

but I couldn't see passed past it

which was never a common occurrence for anyone touch my trademark, but I as bad as I felt, I would have given her anything - very confusing sentence. Not sure what it means.

It was bad enough, I let Randy - no need for a comma here.

I would be force forced to suffer another year

the beautiful girl I had saw seen in the office

the physique that we had both been endowed - Again this is just a suggestions but I feel that their physique is less endowed and more something they worked hard to get.

put the top back on and through threw it at him,

as he was dodging the water bottle in quick movement, - this should be in past tense.

to poses the magic - possess (spelling)

with much discression. - discretion (spelling)

As caught the tale tell after it came out of my mouth - confusing wording.

*CoffeeV* Anything Else:

The paragraph where Kenyon grabs a water bottle then starts fighting with his brother is quite confusing and it was hard for me to understand the action. The tenses in that paragraph are not consistent, switching from past to present.

I also suggest a quick proofreading as I found many missing words, typos and possibly words you forgot to take out. Cleaning this up will make it easier to read.

Finally, I also suggest cutting down the dialogue.

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, babydolll_y2g!

It has been a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in my review are based only on my opinion.

This is review [4/5] from "The Coffee House " 

*CoffeeV* Overall Impression:

I thought this was a pretty short chapter and only included one short scene. Perhaps it can be merged with the chapter preceding it?

You're very good at ending chapters with a humorous twist. It makes me want to continue reading.

*CoffeeV* Plot:

The only part that I found slightly strange is how quickly the nurses wanted Sorrell to go back to class considering how eager they were to send her to the hospital.

*CoffeeV* Suggestions:

"Find out about what?" I smiled mischievously.
I read the chapter multiple times but could not understand this reaction. Why did she smile at this line? Was there a reason that I am missing? It seemed like a strange reaction.

"Does he know where the cafeteria is?" Ask asked Ms. Judy - Various times across your piece you capitalize the verbs "said". It should be said not Said.

"If don't want to-" - did you mean "I" don't want to here?

I watched him walk out of site - sight (spelling)

It took me a minute for it to settle in - awkward wording and it's also not clear what 'it' is.

when every eye was on me curiously including the teacher - I think this should be reworded as "every eye was curiously on me" as it makes the meaning more clear.

*CoffeeV* Anything Else:

I see many places where comma is misused. It breaks the flow of the sentence. I suggest looking at some articles on proper comma usage (there are some great ones on WDC) or even asking specifically for someone to edit your work for punctuation.

Consider cutting down the dialogue and instead describing what is happening. Sometimes following the dialogue, especially when it's just small talk, can be quite confusing.

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Misty Crade !

It has been a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in my review are based only on my opinion.

This is review [3/5] from "The Coffee House " 

*CoffeeV* Overall Impression:

I like the way the chapter started then flash-backed to start revealing how we got to the character bleeding to death in a forest. That definitely makes it more interesting than if you had just started talking about another student. I also thought the ending was very funny *Laugh* and unexpected.

*CoffeeV* Plot:

I think you should just keep in mind that it won't just be high school students who read the story, or you might have some international readers. So maybe clarify what AP is, and how it fits into the story.

You described how Ms.Davis looks and went on to say that she is one of the most interesting people ever. It will be great to describe more about her personality because we can't really judge how great a person is just from their looks.

*CoffeeV* Suggestions:

...the fateful decisions I had made to that would allow me end up alone in the middle of the woods left to die
This sentence is a little too long and there were parts (underlined) that seemed to be missing a word or arranged incorrectly.

but this was the first day of school and Lafayette High School.
It sounds like you cut off your thought mid sentence. And Lafayette High school...what?

which was a common thing for me, since I was an AP student,
Why is it common for an AP student to be in the principal's office?

per-say = per se

although, it should have been, which was why,
There are too many commas here that are unnecessary

I had have no idea where I would be

from the lamps to the artwork on the walls - missing word

but you would could never tell by looking at her

that was were inspired by the 50's

*CoffeeV* Anything Else:

There were sentences that had too many commas where they didn't need to be, and other sentences that were missing them. So I'd suggest reviewing your writing for proper comma placement.

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Misty Crade !

It has been a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in my review are based only on my opinion.

This is review [2/5] from "The Coffee House " 

*CoffeeV* Overall Impression:

A good beginning with your characters but the plot seemed to rush at the end of the chapter.

*CoffeeV* Characters:

You did a great job of describing characters, their personalities and what they look like. I got a pretty good idea of the kind of person Kenyon was, and I did empathize with him from the start. The grandmother was also a fun character, very typical of a stern/loving grandmother. I think everyone could relate her to their own grandmother. I also like that your main character had weaknesses that you illustrated from the start. Many writers write their main character as someone who is good-looking, strong, attractive, etc and forget that a character should also have flaws and shortcomings. Luckily you didn't fall into that pattern and were successful in humanizing your character from the beginning.

*CoffeeV* Plot:

You set the story in our real world. Everything and everyone is normal. We're not alerted that there is anything 'supernatural', not even when your main character is thrown in the air and doesn't get hurt.

Later it is revealed that there is, in fact, magic in this world by the grandma. I thought it was a little too abrupt, and hard to accept. It was hard to imagine sitting down for dinner and having my grandmother tell me that my mom disappeared, my dad is now crazy, that I can shapeshift into a wolf, and that starting tomorrow I have to go live somewhere else. I thought it was too much change, and I didn't buy the reactions of the characters to all this life-changing and devastating news.

I think in order for this to be believable, you have to remember your readers are seeing the story from your characters point of view. If they can't relate to his interactions and reactions, then you lost the reader. Hide some information. Maybe the grandmother doesn't reveal what is happening to their parents, and instead has another reason to send them to their aunts house. Their grandmother can lie to them and tell them that is where their mother is. Maybe they don't know about their abilities until they reach their aunts place. There are many ways to slowly break down what is happening.

*CoffeeV* Suggestions/Comments:

which consisted of hand-me-downs from her older brother, trying to conceal her beauty, but to no avail.
Since another character is the narrator, I was left wondering how he knew this, especially that they weren't friends or close by any means.

I was generally an A and B student.
Why did he feel the need to mention this point? Does it add anything to the story/reveal anything about him that is relevant to the plot?

You wanna get thrown into the mud too [,] little girl missing comma

I was terrified but didn’t try to show it.
I think you meant 'but tried not to show it' cause the way you worded it makes it sounds like normally he would try to show his fear.

The noticeable tone of concern in her voice made it seem worse than it was
It's not clear what the "it" in this sentence is referring to. She made what seem worse?

"Kenyon! What in the world happened to you?"- should be past tense

My grandma was a tall, 6 foot, woman - You don't need a comma after 6 foot.

When I had walked into my parent’s bedroom

Didn’t I tell you to leave him alone?! - this sentence is missing the speech quotation marks.

Now go get in the shower - missing word

The hot water in the shower had seemed was therapeutic - This is just a suggestion which I feel makes the sentence much stronger.

or what I would interpret as them. - This is a little awkward in its working.

I would hurry hurried through my grandmother's stipulation - It's not clear to me why you changed tenses here

*CoffeeV* Anything Else:

Just general issues that I saw repeated:

Too much use of the exclamation mark. I think you can do without it in many instances.

There were some long sentences that should be two separate sentences. I think you should read through your piece and see if you have any run-on sentences or two separate thoughts that are binded together and need either a comma or fullstop.
Example:

I always loved Grandma's cooking it was as good if not better than my mom's.

I let out an aggravated sigh, the aromas made my stomach rumble, I was starved.

Thank you for this wonderful read!

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Review of The Coronation  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Prof Moriarty !

It has been a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in my review are based only on my opinion.

This is review [2/2] from "The Coffee House " 

*CoffeeV* Overall Impression:

The Coronation is the story of the political calculations of a prince about to sit on the throne of his late father for the first time. The tone of the story and the vocabulary you chose was very fitting to the topic and works really well with the style of the story.

*CoffeeV* Characters:

The Prince is an intriguing character, because I'm not sure whether he's a good or bad guy. Is he lying to all those people? Now we all know 'politicians' lie, but does he have any intentions of keeping his words, or at least looking out for the nation? Or was he just fighting for the throne like any other greedy, power-hungry climber? I think he's quite an interesting character.

*CoffeeV* Setting:

No indication of place or time in this story, and I don't think it's needed. We can safely assume this was a period when kings and queens still ruled.

*CoffeeV* Plot:

After a couple of reads, the story that was clear to me was that the Prince was afraid of his succession to the throne being threatened by ambitious, greedy throne-envious people. He then outlines all the steps and measures he put in place to make sure that that doesn't happen. I think putting slightly more attention to his fear, something as simple as an extra sentence, might help make his motivation crystal clear to the readers.

*CoffeeV* Anything Else:

A very well-written story. I think this could flesh out nicely into a historic novel if you have a great plot.

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Misty Crade !

It has been a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in my review are based only on my opinion.

This is review [1/5] from "The Coffee House " 

*CoffeeV* Overall Impression:

The story flowed well and was easy to read. Is this an epilogue or a prologue?

*CoffeeV* Characters:

This is a short chapter, so I can't really judge character development. However, from what I've read, I feel that too much emphasis is given to dialogue rather than the characters themselves. What I mean is you are using dialogue to push the story forward, and since the characters are not standing out, the dialogue is also falling flat.

This chapter mainly focuses on the proposal scene. This is a scene we as readers have read repeatedly in many books, on tv, etc. We don't know who those characters are yet, so no matter how romantic it is, we are not, at his point in time, emotionally invested in the characters, so we don't really care about them and their love. I think it would be a great opportunity to let the whole 'proposal' take a backseat and emphasize other areas more, such as the characters themselves, who are they? Kenyon is talking about tribes and packs. Is he a wolf? Does he look like a wolf or a normal boy? What kind of world are we in? What is the party like, what kind of people are in it? This is the chapter where you want to lure the readers in with a painting.

*CoffeeV* Setting:

Like I said above, I would have liked to read a lot more about the setting. I don't know what world we are in since it's obviously different from ours. Does everyone look the same? Are those 'wolves' or 'creatures' or whatever Kenyon is integrated and accepted in society, or are they forced to hide?

*CoffeeV* Plot:

I'd introduce just a little bit of conflict in this chapter, to give the reader something to look forward to and to pique our interest.

I didn't understand the relationship between the very first paragraph and the rest of the story. They seemed to talk about different times. Did the first paragraph happen before or after homecoming? That wasn't clear.

*CoffeeV* Errors:

-just to make sure I my werewolf - extra word

-He and Kenyon were convinced that, | all of my heart but, even - you don't need commas here. They cut the sentences awkwardly.

-intense warm gaze - To me, intense and warm contradict each other. A warm gaze is a softer gaze. Intense can be a loving/admiring gaze but describing it was warm sort of defeats the purpose of the word 'intense'.

-gaze I had ever seen; - Not the right place for a semicolon. I think a full stop would be more suitable.

- I searched his eyes for an expression that would give me a clue of what he needed to ask me - I feel you are over-describing here. She said "Ask me what?" so you can just say 'I searched his eyes for a clue.' and the meaning would be clear.

-Was he purposing proposing - spelling error.

-had not lost another game sense since - spelling

- when I ask you to be my wife, and trust me, I will, you'll know it! - The wording here is awkward and makes the sentence hard to understand. I think if you at least get rid of the comma after trust me, it would be clearer.

*CoffeeV* Anything Else:

I look forward to reading the rest of your story *Bigsmile*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hello MD Maurice

*UmbrellaP*This is part of your Showering Acts of Joy Package.*UmbrellaP*


I am reviewing:

 Grasshoper's Goodbye  (13+)
a last goodbye comes with difficulty even when it is expected.
#1860371 by MD Maurice


Title:

Very interesting title. I must say the title is what attracted me to this story.

Initial Reaction:

My initial reaction was to start bawling my eyes out because I am still trying to get over a death of a very near and dear person to me, and reading about hospitals and bloated bodies and even your heels clicking loudly on the floor just brought back flashbacks. Shall i say bravo? *Laugh* At least it resonated with me, right? *Bigsmile* I've actually said a very similar line to one in your story: "But you know how stubborn I am, I might still beat this." (I said, She's really stubborn...she will beat this! But unfortunately, she didn't.)

It's a real story. There's sadness but still a hint of bitterness because obviously this person did some things in his life that were hard to forgive. Death is not so black and white, it doesn't make you forget the life the person lead. I like that you gave this dimension to the protagonist. It's one of things you read and think, this writer has experienced this, the writer knows what he's talking about.

Characters:

The repartee between the two characters really said a lot about their previous relationship without spelling anything out for the readers. I think that's really good writing, because although I don't have a single anecdote of what happened between them, I know there was a lot of pain and hurt and anger in the protagonist that she just couldn't shake away, as tragic as the situation was.

Ending:

Very strong ending in my opinion. The protagonist was still conflicted. She wished for a few more minutes, but at the same time, was aware of her motivations to get out of that room as quickly as she can.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

*Bullet* It’s okay if him comes too

if he comes too

*Bullet* I was fighting a loosing battle

losing battle

*Bullet*I was hoping you were going to tell me that[,] young cricket

*Bullet* I wanted to ask you; “why you couldn’t have stopped?"

I think you should either italicize this sentence or use '' rather than double quotations since this is her speaking to herself. Also it should be, I wanted to ask you, why couldn't you have stopped.

Thank you for this story. I really enjoyed it.

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Review of Picture Day  
Review by Mandarine
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Hello AnonymousWriter - I am reviewing your story "Picture Day" .


Overall, I found this to be an enjoyable short story. I like the angle you chose in writing this; a person in line to take a photo, rather than an overall observation of this activity. Putting yourself in the middle of the action added suspense and brought us, the readers, closer to the topic.

SUGGESTIONS


*Bullet* I wonder whether writing this in the present tense would have a greater impact on the suspense and emotional build up of the story. I think if you write the events as they happen, and in the first person rather than the second person, it would make it a lot more suspenseful. Just something to think about. (because I do like how you used the second-person. At times I thought it suited the style of your story, especially towards the end. But at the beginning I felt first-person would sound good. Either way, it's just a suggestion to give you a different perspective)

*Bullet* Will she see it?

Who is the 'she' that you refer to in this sentence?

*Bullet* I think your conclusion can be stronger. Maybe something happens that makes the day significantly better, or significantly worse. Maybe there is an epiphany that makes sense of this entire tradition. Maybe this is the last yearbook photo and the character feels an unexpected sense of nostalgia. I think something happening will end the story nicely because you did such a good job of building up the story until that point by taking us step by step, shuffle by shuffle, through all the insecurities...then the picture is taken and that's it.

Great job on the punctuation, grammar and spelling because I did not catch any errors in that area.

Good story! Hope to read more from you in the future.
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Review of Play Ball  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello JACE

*Poseyp*This is a Writer's Garden Review*Poseyp*-Part of your Green Tea *MugG* package!

Overall thoughts

Not many people write non-fiction on WDC which is a shame, but I'm always happy to find a non-fiction piece to read, so thanks for sharing.

I thought this was a very well-written and heart-warming story about a father who gave his son a very memorable birthday. It's definitely something I would strive for as a parent.

One thing that stood out to me is how you linked your paragraphs, and ideas, together. It was very smooth, so your story flowed well.

Even though I couldn't personally relate to the birthday surprise part of the story, because I'm a girl who hates sports *Laugh*. you managed to engage my senses and export me to a time when playing was what we lived for, whether it was balls or dolls.

Suggestions


*Bullet*The snows snow finally
*Bullet* ... and dreamed - I can't confidently say that this is wrong, but I wanted to point it out anyway. Perhaps the tense needs to follow the tenses of the verbs before it? Hitting, running, catching...dreaming?

Even then, I find that it doesn't fit, because the verbs preceding it are all centered around one activity, playing a sport, so it's not really a list of things you used to do. That is why it sticks out to me.

Also you don't really flesh out this activity in the paragraphs that follow which makes me wonder why it's there.

*Bullet* tantamount ro to treason - typo

*Bullet* the Detroit Tigers; Spike, a shortstop - I got confused by the use of the semi-colon here. At first I thought you were listing members of the Tigers or the Yankees (me + *Football* = *Sick* so please excuse my ignorance) but then I realized you were listing your friends and I didn't understand why.

*Bullet*But one in a life of memories and expectations - I didn't read this as a fragment, I read it as an exception type thing. It would be clearer if you wrote 'IT was but one etc'

You also used that in this sentence That we did on a corner lot and it also threw me off.

Thank you.

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Review of Sirenblade  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Levi Blau

I found this piece on the Review Request page, so I am going to try and give you an honest, detailed review. I hope you find it useful!


Overall


There are so many things I loved about this story. The humour surprised me because I didn't see the Comedy tag, so I was just as shocked as Jasmine and the bullies when the prince came crashing down. It seemed to me that you are a very visual person from the way you describe things and set up scenes (the silhouette of dashing prince with the dog at his side *Laugh*) I can picture them quite clearly in my head. I felt like I was watching a film.

Good dialogue is hard to write. Funny dialogue is only for the pros. The banter between the dog, the prince and Jasmine was hilarious. I found myself liking Jasmine a lot, despite her aggression, she was pretty witty.

The story went at a steady pace. I didn't think any one scene lagged or slowed down the story.

Suggestions


>There were some mistakes with punctuation in the dialogue. Some fullstops need to be commas, some quotations weren't closed, etc.

>Although your dialogue was well-written in my opinion, at some places I felt the characters sort of lost their voice. I know in one part Jasmine asked them to tone it down, but I think it was too toned-down because it didn't sound like them at all. For example, when Tobias says "seriously though" it was vastly different from his speech when he was first introduced to the story.

>I think many of your sentences can be cut down to help your story flow better. A few clunky sentences here and there. I suggest going through the story and just slashing anything you can. The simpler the sentences, the better your piece will flow, and the easier it is for your readers to swallow it whole.

> This is just an aesthetic suggestion: Because of the lack of space between sentences and paragraphs, I would lose my place at times and have to highlight the sentence to mark where I was reading.


Technicalities


> The stick made a whirring sound as it spun in the notch ... turned that flame into a cheery campfire

The first two paragraphs were a little slow. There was too much details about how Jasmine started the fire. It seemed like you were giving instructions rather than details. I think shorter sentences would speed up the pace, and actually make it more understandable.

For example: Friction of the two woods rubbing against each other created heat, and the heat continued to build as the stick continued to spin. Soon the heat was enough to start burning the wood, and a thin tendril of smoke rose into the air.

You first sentence is also extremely long, and hard to digest. Maybe the lack of punctuation is making it hard to take in one go. You want your readers to be sucked in instantly. This may be the most important sentence in your book. Not only should it be shorter, but in my opinion it should be much stronger, it should set the tone, or shock us or at least pique our interests.

That said, I would actually start your story from the third paragraph. "Jasmine sat back and dusted off her hands, then pulled the chubby hare she’d caught into her lap and began skinning it." and I'd actually cut this too, probably to something like 'Jasmine pulled the chubby hare she had caught into her lap and began skinning it.' Instantly, I'm interested in knowing more about this girl who skins hares.

>she’d happened to spot it grazing in a patch of clover to one side of the road she’d been walking, so she’d drawn her dagger and taken a throw at it

The grammar here throws me off. Is there a reason this sentence is in the Past Perfect tense? Why not just past?

Also, this part: to one side of the road she’d been walking doesn't make sense because I think it's missing a word or better structure. Maybe you can say she found it on the side of the road. We can assume she was walking there. Or on the side of the road she had been walking on.

>Her ears were shaper sharper

> five or six minutes’ warning - You don't need an apostrophe here

> There were three of them she saw - Is it necessary? If you are trying to see there were three in her field of vision, the simpler version would be She saw three of them.

>Between the paragraph that begins with They were still over two hundred yards away and the one before it, you use the word 'spotted' three times, quite close to each other to be noticeable.

> and so their young people - This sounds strange to me. I know what you are trying to say but maybe another word can be considered. Youth? Sons? Children?

> Whether he’d planed it that way or not Jasmine didn’t know - I would remove this part of the sentence. Would the man plan to stand with the sun behind him so that onlookers would find him dashing? Highly doubtful, especially in the context of your story.

>slightly-more-than-shoulder-length slightly-curly hair - I think you can describe his hair in fewer, and much more interesting words.

> he looked like a herostepped out of a legend

> He didn’t stop there, either; as the slope of the hill brought his head lower than his feet, his legs rose up and flipped him over his head and onto his back, which brought his feet back lower than his head, and started him in a head-over-heels tumble down the hill and straight toward the stunned watchers at the bottom.

You are basically describing physics. One golden rule of writing: if you can say it in fewer/simpler words, do it. "He tumbled down the hill straight towards the stunned veiwers at the bottom' (as an example) It's much more straightforward.

> Jasmine didn’t give then them a chance

>at least and still be alive - awkward wording

> Grimacing in pain, as he moved he scrambled to his feet

> that she began to fear feared injuring herself

> it took them until the hare was done enough to eat to finish - confusing sentence

> and the stars and had long come out

> If the Author Wrote - wrote shouldn't be capitalized

> He said unsympathetically. - he shouldn't be capitalized


Thank you for the great read and Good luck in selling your book!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Princess Zelda

*Poseyp*This is a Writer's Garden Review*Poseyp*

I really like what you did here. Comparing food and love: coincidentally, my two favorite things in life! *Bigsmile*

You've made some very good comparisons, and I believe I never looked at food and love this way. It's interesting how you related them to each other. When I read your rules and compared them to my experience, I must say, you are pretty accurate in your descriptions of healthy vs. unhealthy love. Unhealthy relationships leave their mark on us, and it takes a while of detox to get rid of the negative effects.

For some of my stubborn, clueless girlfriends, outlining things this way might help them open their eyes!

Thank you for this lovely and uplifting piece.

Technicalities


*Bullet*is a dialogue, by a food critic

I think you should say, This is a line instead of this is a dialogue.

*Bullet*We all love food, and we sometimes

*Bullet* its It's called losing your appetite.

I think this should be a sentence on its own. The entire paragraph is one long sentence that needs to be broken up for clarity.

*Bullet*for you and it causes no allergies

*Bullet*because it tends to give an illusion

*Bullet*at least, a glass of water

You don't need a comma there.

*Bullet*Here is it refers

*Bullet* Just a general comment, some of your sentences are too long, help apart by commas. I think it would flow better if you looked at the longer sentences in your writing and cut them up into smaller sentences.

Cheers!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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13
Review of Ava  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Fredrik

Good Cop

I must say, this is a very well written story. The pace was right, you build the characters and the relationship between the little girl and the dog quite well. There was definitely suspense that had me devouring the story so I can make sure that Ava is going to be okay! So well done!

I also like that you keep us guessing at the end. The story is set in some post-apocalyptic society so that really added a whole layer of interesting to it.

There was some loose ends, like the overturned patch of dirt...what was that?! I'm curious to know. Were there clues in the story that I missed. Definitely deserves a second read.

Your punctuation and grammar were impeccable, which is rarer than you think! If there are any typos or misplaced punctuation I did not catch them.


Bad Cop

the shotgun which they kept in the car when driving through abandoned cities.

This sentence sings a little redundant. They keep the shotgun in the car when they drive...where else would they keep it when they're driving? Instead you can write, the shotgun which they brought along while driving etc.

They had a coil of rope that Mum kept telling her not to play with

You say 'her' though you haven't mentioned who Ava for a while, so it's not clear who 'her' is.

Dad went too quiet.

Do you mean Dad went quiet too?

The door squeaks shut behind Ava
You switch tenses here from past to present. A paragraph later you are using past again. I think you were trying to bring us back from a flashback of sorts of events, but you can still bring us forward in time without changing tenses.

> How you refer to your characters is inconsistent. Dad is sometimes 'her father' then Dad again. The mother is referred to as both "Mum" and 'her mother'.

>You change the POV of the narrator throughout the story. It starts out with Ava narrating the story. That actually worked, because you were committing to her point of view, and her words and actions really reflected her age and thinking. But suddenly you switch the narration. Example: this paragraph- Not a week later they came upon the house where they were staying now This is clearly Ava as she refers to 'Dad' but in the middle of the paragraph her voice is gone: Some smaller towns and villages had become self-sustaining communities Though you never reveal Ava's age she comes across as a child. I don't know any children who talk about sustainability and trade.

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14
14
Review by Mandarine
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
>{b{ “coming out of the closet” experience

I would capitalize what I assume to be the title of an article? And make clear as such as new readers such as myself are missing context.

> the Mirror magazine of 31st July, 2007

in Mirror magazine's issue

> outside this country

which country? You mentioned African culture in the introduction but the culture varies significantly from one African country to another so specifics are important to provide context.

>Many Africans_ well groomed in Africa_

You use the underscore _ instead of a comma. You should replace all _ with ,

groomed is a strange verb to use here, though the meaning is clear to me. I don't think its necessarily wrong, you are the writer after all, but it just didn't seem to fit right to me as a reader.

> (it) tolerated homosexuality - missing word

> I make bold to say that that

I make a bold statement when saying
Also, you wrote two that's

> if a commits adultery - missing word. a what?

>asked o pay - to pay (typo)

> He had brought - the tense switches here. Stick to the same tense throughout your piece

> by seeing his 'secrecy'

It's not clear here what you mean by secrecy. Also the rest of the sentence just runs into each other. I would reword the entire sentence and make the point more clear

> in the society; in more extreme cases

a semicolon doesn't fit here

>both is stoned - tenses: both stoned

>If the people are not caught the 'spirits' take over the policing job

Again, for people not from the culture, this doesn't make sense without context. You should provide some background to this. What are the spirits? What is the legend here? Is this a religious belief? Answering such questions would not only clarify the sentence but pull the reader more into the article.

>during labour pangs - I would remove pangs. "hard to give birth during labor" as labor pangs accompagny any labor, whether it's hard or not.

> General comment: You continuously use semi-colon instead of a comma. When you are listing things in a sentence, use a comma. The use of a semi-colon should be rare.

>Any how the woman or man - Remove Any how as it doesn't fit here and undermines the previous sentences.

> her a 'door' instead of a formidable 'wall' .

Again, an explanation of what door and wall signify in the Nigerian culture would be very helpful here for people not of the culture.

>So many girls then married as virgins

You are referring to a previous generation or era. This should be clarified.


> homosexuality(lesbianism)

The definition of homosexuality is " is romantic or sexual attraction or behavior between members of the same sex or gender." Therefore, you aren't required to keep mentioning "lesbianism" because homosexuality applies to both genders.

> he had to succumbed to his defiler

Do you mean "she"? This was very confusing

> In this paragraph that lists different people who didn't write about homosexuality, it's difficult to understand what your point is. You start by a story about a girl defiled having to succumb to her defiler. What does this mean? More importantly, how does it relate to the rest of the paragraph? Also, listing different, albeit respectable, writings who didn't mention punishment for homosexuality is hardly a proof of its validity, and rings especially hollow when you end the paragraph asking for proof from those opposing homosexuality.

[note: I am not advocating against homosexuality, I am merely pointing out the holes in your writing!]

All in all, there are some interesting anecdotes and legends abundant in your writing, but there lacks structure, context, background information to hold it all together. There are also many mistakes using punctuation like when to use commas, semi-colons, full stops, etc. I suggest you read more about that because such small mistakes can be distracting.
15
15
Review by Mandarine
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello RedIniquity After reading "DreamLand Chapter One"  I had some comments to offer that I hope you find helpful. They are just my personal thoughts, ideas and suggestions.


EMOTIONAL IMPACT

This is just a chapter in a longer story I assume, so there are naturally a lot of questions left unanswered and a lot of plot threads that will unfold later on. I thought it would be unfair to comment on the characters because it's too early for them to really shine through. I didn't get Joven or her mother's personality much but I guess that will come out more as the story unfolds.
However I think you succeeded at pushing the mysterious/creepy theme through the story. Although I think some editing will really strengthen this piece, I could still sense that scary tone under the words and I think once edited it will come out much stronger.


EDITING SUGGESTIONS

>stood in the dirt front yard

Did you mean dirty front yard? You may have meant it was a dirt yard, if so I feel this should be rewritten.

>hold her face expressionless

I thought this was a chunky expression. I suggest replacing expressionless with another descriptive word to describe a straight face.

> I thought the first paragraph that explained the architecture of the house quite bland. I wanted to skim because it dragged a little bit. The reason for that was that I found it really hard to visualize the shape of the house. There were some phrases that I couldn't make sense of, such us allowed her to see the line of geometry, a fourth square based triangle . I read the paragraph several times trying to sketch the house in my head but couldn't.
I really suggest trying to reword this paragraph to clarify the description of the house, It's a shame that I couldn't see it in my head because I know you were going for a creepy feel and I was almost there, but just kept getting pushed away by the confusing description. Personally I find strange architecture really creepy so I think you can transform this paragraph into an amazing introduction.

>large, flat, dead oval

Too many adjectives in a row. Maybe you can eliminate them?

>to a dead-end stop

I don't think you need to say dead-end. A stop is a stop. I think it should be either/or...not both.

> through shoulder length light brown hair/ of her black t-shirt

Here also I think you have too many adjectives. Do we need to know the color of her hair or the color of her shirt? Do you need to tell us now? The phrase will flow a lot better if you didn't pack so much information. Ask yourself whether its necessary to have it all or not.

>all the walls where were painted

>Her steps followed hollowly behind like the ghost she and her mother had run from thinking it would stay in Austin Texas.

This sentence needs to be rephrased. I'm not sure if the ghost referred to here was real or metaphorical. Also hollowly is such a hard word to swallow! I also think it lacks some punctuation. There should be a comma between the city and the state. Her steps followed behind (comma), etc.

>The sound stayed on her heals heels

Also what sound do you mean? Wasn't she making the sound as she walked? A little confusing.

> fake glass

The suggestion I'd like to make here is to change "fake glass", which isn't really a thing, for the actual material. Was it plastic? Acrylic? It's better to be specific.

> soundlessly

Silently? quietly?

> her right hand / on the left side of the door/ five stair steps

Again, how important is it that we know which hand she used and which side of the door it was on? Do we need to know that it was five and not six steps that she took?
It can be distracting to have unnecessary information, because we as the reader try to retain everything in case we need it to understand something later in the story. When I read I read with the assumption that every detail is there for a reason. When there is an unnecessary description it throws me off, I wonder why its there. Try eliminating anything that isn't imperative to the story and I guarantee it will increase the impact of your writing.

>walk in closet

walk-in closet

> Again, I found the description of where she would place her furniture just a little too much. We don't need that much detail to visualize. I know you want to get the exact image in your head across to your reader but there was a lot of left side this and on the right side etc that it was difficult to read, let alone visualize. You can simplify it and leave some elements to the imagination of the reader, that's the fun part of reading! So don't take that away from your reader by trying to place a blueprint of the space in their heads *Bigsmile*

>BUDGET MOVING... WE MAKE IT HAPPEN

I think this should be in quotations or italicized.

Thank you for sharing this lovely story with us and I look forward to reading subsequent chapters.
16
16
Review of Valentine Flight  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello iluvhorses This is a "Invalid Item"  Review!

PERSONAL REACTION:

I like that you share an experience in a different way, how horse riding reminds you of your dreams of flying as a child. I thought that was interesting. You structured it well, and I like that you added the part where you bond with your horse; that added the right depth to your story and helped us understand your relationship with Valentine. I also like how you tied the story together at the end, referencing the flying again.
I found that the first part of the essay needed a little bit of editing to get to the level that the second part of your essay was. The conclusion, how you smell the tangible dream on your hands and you feel the high of the ride in your heart, I thought that was beautiful and reflected your passion and love for your time with Valentine (and probably all horses you deal with) You described your emotions well.

EDITING SUGGESTIONS

>I have dreamt of flying dozens of times. Most of the dreams were during childhood.

I think it'll be good if you can merge those two sentences together, either making it one sentence {E.g: I have frequently dreamt of flying during my childhood} or linking them together {e.g: I have dreamt of flying dozens of times especially during my childhood}

>Usually, I stood on the old wooden picnic table...etc

I'm assuming this is what is happening in your dream? If so, I suggest making it more clear. You can state that this is what is happening in your dream at the beginning of the sentence or you can try to use a different tense. There are many different ways you can accomplish this as long as you make it a little more obvious that it's a dream you are describing.

>Like a back float in the water

I understand how a back float is effortless and you can float forever, so that part of the comparison to gliding in the air made sense. But when you described how to float on your back (Keep breathing, tuck up the bottom half) that seemed out of place and irrelevant.

>few for any distance that I desired,

this was awkwardly worded. I am unsure if I am understanding it correctly. Did you mean it's too little for what you desired? Or that you can float as high or as low as you want? It needs to be clarified.

>I felt such a let down, literally

You don't need to use the word literally. It weakens your work.

>my nighttime dreams of flights

I think putting the word night time in the sentence shifts the focus of the fact that you have dreams of flight to whether you are day dreaming or dreaming in your sleep, which isn't that important to know.

>However, I have been blessed by the gift of flight again.

This sentence needs to be stronger to propel us into the heart of the story. It reads a bit flat, and I think the problem is that there was no real build up for this statement. You just said that your dreams have become infrequent. I think you should elaborate on that before stating that you have been blessed again with the feeling of flight.
When your dreams stopped did you feel that you forgot about wanting to fly? Did you forget that feeling of flying or hovering that you had in you dream? Did you yearn for it? Did the idea haunt you? I suggest adding one or two sentence that explore those thoughts before this statement to make it more powerful.

>Flying in this reality is on horseback

Here again I think the sentence can be stronger if you make the meaning more clear. When you saying flying is on horseback it seems like you are flying on a horse. Plus you wrote "this reality" but what exactly is this reality? Are there other realities? I know you are trying to separate the dream from reality, but it didn't come across as clearly as it could. I think you should write how you rediscovered flying in horseback, or felt it again in horseback, etc.

>Nearly weekly,

Nearly is a weak and unnecessary word. Just say weekly, even if in reality you skip some weeks, you don't have to be that accurate, especially if it will cause you to weaken your writing and use words like 'nearly'. You can say Every week instead.

>perk up alertly

Unnecessary word because perk up already suggests alertness.

> must be right, be aligned to....

This is a strange transition from one clause to another. I think you should use a conjunction here.

][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]


Thank you for sharing this wonderful story!
17
17
Review by Mandarine
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Kyle Peterson I am reviewing the Prologue to your book "The Heroes I-The Black Fire Lighthouse" 

I hope you find my comments helpful. I try to give as many ideas and suggestions in hope that some will be useful to you. Remember these are just my personal reflections on the piece made with positive intentions *Smile*

PERSONAL REACTION:

The prologue had all the elements I expect in a prologue. Even though it was talking about one couple just admiring the scenery it hinted at the environment around them in the village, a peaceful place with beautiful nature and creatures. Then there was the catalyst that will push the whole story in motion at the end.
The pace was steady and the flow was smooth. Good prologue.

EDITING SUGGESTIONS:

>the smells of smoldering fires from the houses

Smoldering is too strong an adjective to describe the kind of fires you are referring to. My first thought was that the houses were on fire. I suggest using a calmer adjective to clarify that you mean indoor fireplace kind of fires. (If that's what you meant of course)

>said the woman on the right, now hugging her boyfriend’s arm

I don't know that you need to specify whether she was on the right or left, because we can't see them. Also, you said they were a couple, so saying "the woman" make it seem like there is more than one woman. Just say her name.
the 'now' is unnecessary.

>She was kind of a shorter girl

Don't use vague words to describe something, like "kind of", because they are meaningless fillers. It also makes your writing sound amateurish. You're the writer so you have the power and the right to make things however you want them to be! If she's short, then say she's short. I don't think anyone will go as far as thinking she's a little person unless you specifically say so, so just 'short' is sufficient.
Also, she is shorter than who? There is no real 'typical' height. So stick with 'short'.

>said the man with his shorter, dark blonde hair and looking down at her with his greenish-brown eyes.

Again here I think 'the man' should be replaced with Layle.
The and is unnecessary and doesn't fit as the right conjunction for those two sentences.

I suggest trying to make the descriptions of the characters a bit more lively. You can maybe not mention their hair color and eye color just as you introduce them because it sounds mechanic. You did the same for both characters. Introduce name, hair color, eye color. I think make it come out, if necessary, gradually in the story.

> a rippling noise started coming from the lake

I suggest replacing 'started coming' which is awkward with one verb that will add color to your piece and be more accurate. If you can't find a good word, then I think you should rephrase the sentence, and maybe go about it describing how they suddenly hear a noise.

>causing the couple to look down at it

Here I think you are explaining things rather than telling a story. Instead of explaining everything that is happening and why it is happening, just tell us what is happening. So you can say there was a splashing noise, The couple looked down at the lake. This manner it's still clear that they looked at the lake because that's where the noise was coming from. Don't try to fill in the gaps for the reader, because they will be able to do it even subconsciously. Otherwise it comes off as if you think the reader is stupid and needs every minuscule detail to be explained to him/her, and that can be off putting for readers.

>you could see a shadow rising

Don't speak directly to the readers especially that most of your story doesn't follow that format.

>It was a large dragon [ , ] at least fifty feet in length [ and ] the color of a rainbow

This sentence needs punctuation.

> wasn’t as you would think.

Again you speak directly to the reader and this makes it slightly informal. Also don't assume what people will think because it can be condescending to the reader. Maybe you can instead say it wasn't a typical dragon body or wasn't as one would expect a dragon to look or something to that effect.

>“Ttonight is going to be a wonderful night.” - Capital letter

>about to cause the greatest disaster Kio has will ever witnessed

Keep the future verb consistent in this sentence.

Thank you for sharing. *Heart*
18
18
Review of My Favorite Bison  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Lesley Scott This is a "Invalid Item"  review.

PERSONAL REACTION:

Structurally, I thought the story was a little disjointed at first. We didn't get to learn a lot about Billy, I felt you rushed things a bit and didn't give us enough details about Billy. This is important because you want the reader to be able to visualize the main character of your story. You don't have to describe his appearance in detail, but I would have liked to know more about his personality and your relationship with each other.
There were some faults that I found in the writing, mentioned below, that broke the smooth flow of reading. It distracted me at times, made me stop reading, or re-read a sentence again to try to understand. I think if you edit this story it will grow significantly stronger.

That said, the emotional impact of your story was strong. I'm a huge animal lover, I understand what it means to connect with an animal, and to be the only person the animal chooses to connect with, it's an honor, and a different kind of love that not many people experience. It's also one of the hardest to endure, because more often than not you will be witness to the animal passing away, whether it's old age or disease or an accident. When you wrote that Billy was being sent away, my heart instantly broke. When you said that he died, my throat tightened. It's an emotional piece, and your love for Billy does shine through.

SUGGESTIONS:

>Everyone remembers their first love. Sometimes we can’t pick out love, it just happens.

Sometimes we can't pick out love: there was something off about this phrase to me. What I understood was that you can't pick the person (or animal *Bigsmile*) that you will fall in love with. So the phrase didn't reflect that accurately in my opinion. Not to rewrite your word, but just a suggestion, is to change it to Everyone knows you can't choose who you love (or something to that effect). Starting the second sentence again with the word Everyone, in my opinion, will create a melodic flow in conjunction with the first sentence.

> my true love was a bison.

I think you should call him your first love, because that's what you started out your story with: saying everyone remembers their first love, so this would tie it back together with the opening statement.

>Somehow, I immediately formed a relationship and respect for Billy

This could just be me, but I think putting a weak work, like Somehow, followed by a strong word, immediately, makes the sentence sound awkward. My suggestion is to eliminate Somehow. I assume you put it there to suggest that it was an unexpected relationship that you formed, but I think the whole concept is unexpected anyway.

Also, I think you should rephrase the sentence because 'respect for Billy' doesn't flow with the beginning of that clause. If you remove 'a relationship' it doesn't make sense to say "I formed a respect" and it should made sense if you are listing things connected to a single verb. The verb should correctly apply to both.

>He was still a wild animal

Do you mean he was in the process of being tamed? If not, then it should be "Still, he was a wild animal".

>and she release[d] her grip

>including [a] puma

>and more than I can name at this time

Phrasing it so makes it sound like you can't be bothered to tell us what other animals you raised, or that it's not important. If so, rewrite the sentence so you are not stuck writing a list you don't want to write. For example, you can add "including, among others, a puma etc" or you can just end it saying 'and a variety of other animals' or take the time to list some other animals.

> [ I] Loved bottle feeding the babies

> I just shrugged it off and told myself: “Oh well,"

Here It seems to me that you are saying the same thing in two different ways. To say Oh well to yourself is to shrug it off basically. So I think it's unnecessary. But if you want to keep it, consider changing it to something else that made you not care that they were scratching your legs. It may have been that they were just too cute, that you didn't want to distance them by pushing them away, or you just accepted it as part of the job, etc.

>blossomed and grew

Again I feel you are repeating yourself saying the same thing twice in a row.

>I was a petite ninety seven feet

Isn't ninety seven feet like...a giant? *Confused* I think in metric but this confused me because I didn't know if you were talking about height, if so, you might try adding 'tall' to the end of the phrase. I would also link it to the next sentence with 'but' so that the relevance is clear.

>his beard gowing growing long as well.

I suggest being more specific about his beard, perhaps specifying how far down it grew. This tells us more about the character around whom the story revolves, so it would make sense to invest more time describing him, especially that not everyone might know what a bison exactly looks like.

> He was starting to grow too big for his enclosure. He was still my baby.

Consider linking those two sentences with "but" so their connection to each other is more clear.

>ready to bale if I necessary

> While I am was sure

I think the While should be eliminated because it doesn't fit in with the rest of the sentence.

> uncharactoristly = uncharacteristically

> The dart was long and it hurt me, as well.

Did the dart hit you as well? It was not clear how it hurt you.

Thank you for sharing this emotional story. I hope you found my suggestions helpful. Please remember they are just my personal reflections and ideas made with the intention to help you improve upon it *Heart*
19
19
Review of Cat and Mouse  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi iluvhorses This is a "Invalid Item"  review! I hope you find the following comments useful *Smile*

READER REFLECTIONS:

I like the metaphor of a cat and mouse weighed against your own personality and the experience of having someone verbally attack you and not have the power (or desire or force) to battle back. I'm a big animal lover, especially cats, so I appreciated how you took a cat trait and compared it to your own life. I thought that was very observational. To me, personally, it made sense! I understood the comparison and I liked that it was subtle: you didn't come right out and say, hey that reminds me of the time my boss yelled at me at work. You went about it differently, and to me that made it a fun and interesting read.

SUGGESTIONS:

> Thud. Thump. Zip. I would italicize those words to make it clear that they are sounds that you are hearing.

>That would be its choice

I think you should link this sentence to the one before it because it makes a nice ending to the previous thought. I also suggest adding that would be its own choice, or any word or phrase that can emphasize what you are saying: that you renounce all responsibility towards the mouse should he choose to reenter the house.

>I ponder why it disturbs me so greatly.

You give reasons and excuses for the cat's "gruesome" behavior with the mouse, citing it as normal for felines, and not seeming fazed at all by the severed mouse limbs, so it sounds strange that you say it disturbs you greatly, as everything you said before that on this topic gave the impression that it doesn't disturb you at all.

>I rarely eat meat, but am not totally vegetarian.

I think you should remember what your point is here. You are trying to say that you are an omnivore, you eat meat so hunting prey shouldn't disturb you. Isn't that the point of mentioning that you are a meat eater? So I think you need to just say you eat meat, regardless of whether you eat a lot or little. Because otherwise it weakens your point and makes this sentence a little useless in my opinion.

> In a blink [ ,] unsuspecting prey

> came within the circle of his

I think you should reword this. Came within his circle, for example.

> I suggest separating your story into paragraphs so that it's easier and more inviting to read. It will also help a lot in creating the right reading pace for your readers.

PLOT:

In terms of flow and pace, it all worked for me. I like how you took us from the cat and mouse to you. There were no parts that dragged or slowed down the reading. The conclusion was strong and ties the story back together.

Thank you for sharing this story and I hope you found my comments helpful.
20
20
Review of Cenia  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Happy May 2024! This is a "Invalid Item"  review! I hope you find the following comments helpful *Smile*

READER REFLECTIONS:

I like a story with a surprise ending, and this fit the bill *Smile* As this is a Flash Fiction contest entry you had time, word and subject restrictions but you managed to rise up to the challenge (and win First place! Congratulations.)
I felt a little sad for Cenia. Getting stuck in a routine is a suffocating feeling for some people, and it can be hard for others to understand. Her friends envied her stability, the same stability that was slowly killing her. The fact that you made her a young girl helped in making me feel empathy towards her, because however you look at it, what she did was an awful thing. Her daughters will have to pay for choices she made and that she refused to take responsibility for. So I think it was clever to make her a girl of 21 years, because I don't think at that age (it all depends on your personal experiences of course) that you can easily handle the pressure and responsibility of having a family so this made her more sympathetic character.

>Tomorrow would be the same as yesterday and the day before that.
>Jerry thought a day at the beach would make everything just fine

Both those sentences said a lot about her relationship with her husband and her mentality on life. The first one reflected her thoughts on stability and routine, and the second sentence told me that Jerry didn't really get his wife. Maybe this is something I've seen happen around me and so find it relatable, but a lot of men think a small gesture is enough to save a marriage that has been falling apart for a long time.

SUGGESTIONS:

>With the sunburn and [the] freckles popping up across her nose

I would add 'the' here because it separates the fact that she had a sunburn from the fact that freckles were popping up across her nose. Without it, it seems as if a sunburn was also popping up across her nose...which isn't the case I presume.

>she even looked like that little girl.

I think this reference to her being a little girl is too far away from the first little girl reference, (reminding her of when she was a little girl) so it is a little difficult to relate the two together.

>looked back down [at] the shoreline

The only reason I would add 'at' here is because she's not at shoreline level, so she's not really looking down the length of it, she's looking down at it.

>she had a loving husband and two beautiful daughters, the envy of her girlfriends, or so they said

I think with a slightly different use of punctuation you can add meaning to those phrases. If you, for example, keep 'or so they said' as it's own sentence, I think it can further highlight her thoughts on being married versus having a single life. It shows that she is not completely convinced that anyone would envy her life. So I think if the sentence stood alone it would be stronger.

Thank you for this sweet story and I hope my comments were useful to you. *Heart*
21
21
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Butch50 This is a "Invalid Item"  review *Smile* I hope you find my suggestions and reflections helpful.


PERSONAL REFLECTIONS:

If you told me a piece about fishing would be this illustrative and passionate, I would not believe you. Oftentimes I would read a specialized article written by a fan of a hobby, or a video game, or a sport. It's usually something I don't care about, but the writing is good, and good writing can make a carpet description exciting. *Laugh*
This is what I felt about your piece; I now add fishing by a quiet river with a Bamboo rod as one of the things I want to do before I turn 30. You lulled us into the scene by describing the beautiful nature around you, and you were clever to use different senses; what we can hear, what we can see, what we feel and smell. I thought that was brilliant and I definitely was transported for a while with you by that river!
As much as you tried *Wink* you failed at hiding your passion for this sport! But the good news is, it wasn't like hearing a fan go on and on about something they like while you think to yourself "Oh my God when will this stop!" I felt like you held our hand and walked us through it, whispering, pointing out things we may never notice otherwise: the fish getting its senses for a moment before floating away, the heartbeats felt through the Bamboo rod; that feeling of anticipation was palpable in your story.

SUGGESTIONS:

>the evening was too lovely not to watch

Nothing about this is wrong but those are just my suggestions: I think you can use stronger words than both 'lovely' and 'watch' to leave a powerful impression on the reader. Instead of watching he can admire, or a phrase like 'too lovely not to take in'. I just think with stronger, not fancier just stronger, words you can make the reader feel he is there. And you can accomplish this with the same number of words; you don't need to elaborate or give more information than needed to describe the scene. This quote sums up what I am saying in a nutshell:

"Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader—not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon."

> a slowly, lazily moving mirror

This was heavy on the tongue. I think you don't need to say it's 'moving' because it's a river, we already have the image etched in our minds. Rivers usually move. A slow, lazy river. Short and sweet! Also with the word slow you are indicating movement, otherwise you would say still river.

>We are getting the spring rains...etc

This sentence suddenly flipped tenses, so I didn't understand why you did that. It also wasn't clear to me who "We" referred to.

> I could actually feel the bend of the rod

Now I don't know if there is some technical word for this, but when people use 'actually' in the manner that you did in this sentence, it seems like you interjected a colloquial figure of speech into an otherwise literary piece. (I know your piece was slightly informal but I still think it's above using this speech) A rewrite of this sentence can make it fit in better. Maybe describe the weight you felt as the rod bent to emphasize how real it felt to you rather than use 'actually'.

> it lands as softly as an angels kiss

Again, nothing is wrong here (ok there is *Bigsmile* it's angel's- unless I'm wrong, if so forgive me) but I would suggest using a simile that is more relevant to your story and that fits in with the theme. For example, it lands as softly as a leaf. This fits because you're talking about nature, and everyone knows how softly a leaf lands on water, etc. I think sticking to the theme keeps us focused on it.

>Times like these a quiet and relaxed anticipation.

I didn't understand this sentence. I feel something is missing here.

>This is what fishing can be and sometimes is.

The whole paragraph leading up to this sentence was so emotional and passionate. I could feel how much you love fishing, and the symptoms were obvious. You lost track of time, you had to stop, it was dark but you couldn't, just a few more moments. The world stopped, there is no time; it's just you and the rod. The last sentence should be the climax, this is where you crown this passion of yours. Remove "sometimes" it makes it wishy-washy, like saying, 'Yeah fishing can be awesome...sometimes" Make it strong. Tell us what it is, not what it maybe is.

> A general suggestion I'd like to make is to try and improve on the punctuation used. Because you are doing a lot of descriptions of intricate, slow movements, I think you should try to use commas or break down the longer sentences into smaller ones so each action is digested by the reader and given its due space. For someone who doesn't know much about fishing, like myself, it would help a lot in giving me the time I need to visualize and understand what exactly you are doing.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful story & I hope my comments prove helpful to you.
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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC ! This is a review courtesy of "Invalid Item" .

*Radioactive* Disclaimer: The following comments are my own opinions and reflections as a reader, made with the intention of offering you ideas and suggestions so that you may see your work from a different perspective> I hope this proves useful to you as a writer.

(My comments are in chronological order)

~As I lay in bed staring up to the dark ceiling with the stars twinkling out of the window

I thought, for an introduction, you could smoothen this out a bit. The sentence was a little bumpy and this can turn off your readers. You need to suck them in from the start. Like getting on a slide, you want them to get on and slide to the end. If the top of the slide is bumpy...well you get the metaphor *Bigsmile* My suggestion is first to get straight to the point: You're in bed, staring at the ceiling, we know it's up. "As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling" To the point. Then you tell us about something outside the window. But weren't you staring at the ceiling? Why are you now describing a window? Of course it's not wrong, per se, but I believe if you are writing in First person, then try to give us his account, don't make him the omnipresent narrator, if you know what I mean. So maybe the twinkling of the starts caught the corner of his eyes and that's how he knew how shiny the stars were that night.

~ all I could think of was my life, my past.

For me, I thought this sounded like you were unsure what you were thinking of, or that you added "my past" as an afterthought. You may have been going for some sort of effect, but I think you should just say "my past" or "my life" rather than both.

~ Spanish woman, long flowing brown hair and stunningly blue eyes.

There was no preposition in this phrase linking Spanish woman with her description.

~ as what I really wanted to be doing right now was sleeping

To me this clause sounds a little awkward, and I blame the way its structured. My suggestion is to reword it so that it does not start with "as what". Also you say what you wanted to be doing "right now" but you are writing in the past. So it should be what you wanted to be doing right then, at that time in the past.

~ At a closer look at the woman

~ When I saw what was there my jaw dropped

For the sake of better flow, and a tighter story, I suggest looking over some of your sentences and seeing if they can be condensed. For example in this one, instead of saying when I saw what I saw, you can just say "The sight made my jaw drop" If you do this to all the sentences that are bulky, I guarantee that this will significantly improve your story.

~ A platter of sausages came around the conveyor...eventually the toast came round again and I took two slices.

There were some punctuation issues with this sentence. I think "Eventually the toast...etc" should be its own sentence. I also think everything before it , starting with "a platter of sausages" should also be condensed. To me it sounded a bit mechanic, because you structured it as 'This came round so I took some, then this came round and I took some, then this came round etc" you get the point. So try to rephrase it so it flows better.

~ he picked up his fork, looked at me,

This should be a new sentence as well.

I asked, the man looked up to the ceiling,

There needs to be a fullstop (period) after asked. The man looked up should be it's own sentence because it's a new thought/action.

~ The paragraph where the homeless guy tells the story of how he died needs to be edited. There were too many long sentences that need to be broken down into smaller ones. The first sentence was way too long. Also, like I mentioned before, read through it and see what words you can eliminate. I notice that when you write, even when you have a great idea or sentence, you choose the most difficult way to structure it, and it comes out awkward and bulky.
Also, I felt this paragraph lacked a 'voice'. I didn't really feel that a homeless man was actually saying it. There was no real emotion, his delivery was a little flat. It was as if he just wanted to get all the words out. Maybe you could integrate a little of how he felt, his desperation, how he counted the money, how the last guy out was his last chance at a warm night, etc. Let him take his time telling his story.

~ When Mr.Roland told the story of how he died, it seemed to me like you were just trying to give the reader a lot of background information about the protagonist and this is what made it seem inauthentic. For example you wrote,

You did a great job, anyway a new post came for you in another business that paid double the price and was pretty much next to where you lived.


Let's say the protagonist is called John (I need to refer to him as something *Bigsmile*) If Mr.Roland is speaking ABOUT John, TO John, why is he saying all those details that they both already know? He doesn't need to spell it all out, and you can still relay this information in a more efficient way, because the way you write it it seemed like he was directing his words at the reader, not John.

~ his business [was] about to go bankrupt

~ downed it one

~ Again, the paragraphs where the characters tell the story of how they died seems like you are just trying to get across as much information as possible without really keeping in character, or giving each person a unique voice. I think you should break down those paragraphs and let the characters breathe and take breaks, maybe tell us how "John" is reacting to the story while it's being told, instead of the characters just throwing up a chunk of information.

~ I replied miserably, the ginger man could sense

I replied miserably. The ginger man could sense...

~ I asked, the ginger man smiled.

I asked. The ginger main smiled.

~ When the ginger man tells "John" about the orb and the cave, it was in reply to a question John asked about if he thought heaven was as he imagined. So the ginger man's answer seemed a little out of place. Maybe he can just confront John with this idea rather than it be an answer the that question.

~ the aptly named ‘Golden Sands’ beach, named perfectly as the beach was actually made from gold dust

Those two underlined phrases sounded like a repetition.

~ which shone a brilliant golden glow; in the distance I saw the hooded figure.

The semicolon should be a full stop here.

~ sped off in the direction of the cave

This is one of the instances where you can eliminate words and polish up your sentences in order to improve your flow. So instead of saying "in the direction of" you can simply say "towards". Less is more!

~ on the shore in the cave

On the shore OR in the cave? Two different spaces, it can't be bother. On the shore makes more sense.

~ The paragraph that explains the cave was very confusing and hard to get through for me. It would help a lot if you broke it down into smaller paragraphs. I also think you should vary the sentence length because it read very mechanical to me.

~ they’re the reason your you're dead

You conclusion was strong in my opinion. I like how you upped the ante by making the cave collapse just as John had to make his choice. I would still suggest breaking up the conclusion into smaller paragraphs just because it's easier to read that day. Otherwise it really sucked me in and I felt the pressure and the excitement of the scene.

PLOT:

I didn't think that John was to blame for those deaths. For example, Amy White was drunk when she died. It's not really his fault that she was alone with her friends and made a bad decision to get wasted. I also didn't believe that Dominic's death was his fault. He didn't really do anything that was unfair, he just called the guy to help him with work. The homeless guy's was the only one that was kind of his fault. I think this weakened your plot a little bit.

There was a lot of humor in your story that I liked.The idea is great, I loved the story, but I do think this piece needs some work. Eliminating unnecessary words and phrases, and polishing your sentences will improve it a lot. I hope you found my suggestions helpful, and I'm sorry I named your protagonist *Bigsmile* Thank you so much for sharing!
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Review by Mandarine
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
When I first read about the 30-Day Blogging challenge, the first round, I was really excited to join. However after a lot of hesitation I decided to wait it out because I was planning a huge move and didn't think I will be able to commit to writing everyday. Well, that plan fell through, and now Round 2 is upon us!

This is a great "contest". I know it's going to be tough but I love a challenge. More than being a contest, I think this challenge allows people to get into the habit of writing something everyday, to get to know each other, to get to know themselves and to stimulate their writing muse.

Some people think having a prompt to stick to everyday makes it a little easier. I believe it does give you a general guideline but you never know which direction you are going to head to each day because you don't know what you will be writing about!

One of my favorite contests on this site. I can't wait to get started.
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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sum1 This is a "Invalid Item"  review *UmbrellaP*

MY THOUGHTS:

What I really love about this piece is that you created a story out of a thought that frequently crosses my mind. My bathtub was run with ants for the past month. I constantly have to hose them down and watch them swirl into the drain. I felt bad and I wondered if it felt like it was the end of the world to them.

I like the pace you set. The story dragged the reader in and moved him along and before you can even question what is happening you reach the conclusion which is unpredictable. I thought it was pretty cool, and it made me smile. I really liked it.

I thought Karlo was such a fun character. He's this cool, laid-back guy, even in the way he speaks. It added a tinge of humor to the story.

SUGGESTIONS:

-to the coming catastrophe = I think you can replace 'coming' with a stronger adjective.

- contented in life = contended sounds awkward to me. I would go with content in life.

-Suddenly, he felt something that made his blood run cold, his entire being becoming a mass of jelly in the flash of an eye. = I feel the tenses is this sentence are not right. I would also break up the sentence, make it more dramatic and let each thought sink in. I wanted to feel the fear Karlo felt when he saw the unexpected, at the moment that he was basking in the solidness and stability of the sky. I think by rewording you can make a stronger impression.

- wondered if they thought their sky was falling,,,, - I'm not sure why you chose to end your story with a series of commas rather than just a fullstop.

- Personally, I feel there were too many question marks used in the dialogue. I don't know if you'd agree but see what you think.

Overall, it's a fun idea that I constantly have and I wish I thought of turning it into a story first! *Pthb* But you did a great job, Thank you so much for sharing it.
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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi fyn This is a "Invalid Item"  review *UmbrellaP*

MY THOUGHTS:

What a great non-fiction piece. It's my favorite genre to both read and write so I am instantly drawn to non-fiction pieces. I truly enjoyed reading this; I like the journal style, and the voice gave off adolescence which is intended I am sure and very fitting for the theme of the story. I like that you did this by bringing out a child's mentality;

- Dad must have noticed my interest because he took me aside and delivered, yet again, the “Do NOT go into any of the mines” lecture citing numerous reasons why. I nodded, smiled and raced to find Gary. *Bigsmile* This made me laugh. I know you weren't listening to a word your dad said!

-I know it is wrong, but the more I hear ‘Stay Away’ the more I want to explore. I think we've all been there as children!

-Now when he comes, dad always gives me some chores to do out in the barn or in another part of the house. I could relate to this. We (my siblings and I) were very curious as kids and our parents always sent us to do pointless chores when they wanted to talk about 'adult stuff'. It was an obvious trick to us but we still tried to eavesdrop *Bigsmile*

I thought there was a lot of substance in your story. You made an exciting discovery, found a missing link in your town's history and lived the great childhood adventure! I used to read a lot of "Famous Five" novels as a kid, and other similar adventure stories. Many of them took place in the mountains and around abandoned mines! You actually lived one, so that's pretty cool.

I found the pace and flow for your story smooth and fast. There were no scenes that dragged or slowed down my reading. You used each paragraph to successfully move us forward into the story and/or reveal a little more about yourself as a child.

I also liked the interjected excerpts from the miner's journal.

COMMENTS:

-Gary's personality was almost non-existant, but I don't feel this affected your story at all.

- We had flashlights, and sandwiches - I think the sentence can do without the comma.

-It is from 1778! - Why did you choose to write this in present tense?

-Gary’s folks had called the State Police when we weren’t back there - It's unclear where 'there' is so maybe you can specify home.

-when they told him, we weren’t back, he thought about us - I think the comma placement in this sentence makes the reader take breaks in the wrong places. I'd remove the comma after 'him'.

-Then they tied us to the stretches - stretchers

-Located in Oakland, NJ, along and up the mountain some from Ramapo Lake - I don't know if there's a missing word here but this didn't make sense to me.

-or for bear to hide: bears

*Heart* I loved the concluding statement. I guess wherever you live in the world, whatever century we are in, all kids were forced to write 'What I did this Summer' essays!

Thank you for sharing this wonderful story.
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