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Review of sea & sky  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi luvforlife Thanks for this beautiful story. After I read it I had some comments and suggestions that I had to offer. I hope you find them helpful *Smile*

*Heart* I think you are so creative to come up with a fairy tale like this. You characters, the child of the sun and the son of the waves, were solid. Even though it's the classic, tragic love story, I still felt it was magical. The visual of the prince of the sea retreating into the depth of his sorrow, into the ocean, was grand, in a sad kind of way.

Your conclusion, as to why the sea and the sky remain separated. That was brilliant. Great storytelling. I love fairy tales and this one fulfilled all the parameters of fairytale storytelling skillfully.

SUGGESTIONS:

- Your format, of having the story in a column, threw me off because I first thought it was a poem. So maybe you can reformat it so it's in paragraphs instead of a column. But that's up to you, it's just format.

- You wrote, the king of the sky found out about this forbidden taboo. Forbidden taboo is redundant, because something taboo is forbidden. So consider replacing with forbidden relationship, for example.

-Every day when the sun would reach it's point at wich it seemed to dive into the ocean [,] the two would meet. = A comma after ocean will give proper pacing for this sentence.

-When the sun reached the point that day = It's a bit unclear what point you mean when you say the sun reached the point. Consider saying, when the sun reached its setting point, or diving point, or sleeping point, etc. I know you can come up with something better *Smile*

-The knight inturn spoke smoothly [,] his words like a deadly poison

- There were several typo's and some punctuation mistakes in your piece:

diden't = didn't

it's point = its point [it's point is like saying it is point]

at wich = at which

imprisioned = imprisoned

wearabouts = whereabouts

exacuted = executed

balconey = balcony

woulden't = wouldn't

reamain = remain

seperated = separated

Thank you for this wonderful story. I thoroughly enjoyed it, I hope you found my comments helpful and I really look forward to reading more of your writing. *Heart*

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi zoroarkqueen99 I had the pleasure of reading your story and I'm coming to you with an "Invalid Item"  review that I hope you find helpful and encouraging. I am not pointing out mistakes in your story, just ideas, suggestions and my reflections as a reader.

*Heart* There are so many things I loved about your story. I like the theme of friendship in your story. It was sweet but still grounded in the reality of life. I like how you characterized both animals, and gave us a sort of societal reason as to why they were cast aside (that was the way of the Rocky Mountain forest, you wrote) For me that created a strong visual in my mind of a community of animals governed by laws ,that are probably instinctual, but impressive nonetheless.

I also thought your story was well structured. It reminded me of stories like Aesop's Fables, even the title was fitting. You introduced one character, then another, then brought them together in the end to bring us to the 'moral' of the story. Very well done!

That said, I do have some SUGGESTIONS:

- As I said, your story was more like a fable. Maybe you didn't intend it that way and that's fine, but I wanted there to be a stronger 'moral' at the end, or at least some kind of message. I think your last message can be rewritten to be much stronger. For example, maybe you can try to think what exactly did the wolf learn from this experience? That everyone, regardless of size, species or background has some kind of obstacle they are trying to overcome in life. That you can find comfort even in your 'enemies'. That in times when you have no one and nothing, you find love or friendship or comfort in the last place you expect. Those are just some ideas. You might not want to have a message, in that case I just suggest striking out the last sentence because the one before it was stronger, and you want to end on a strong note. The last sentence weakened it a bit.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION

- There were some places that you needed to put a fullstop (period) rather than a comma. For example:

The way of the Rocky Mountain forest was harsh, if you were one of the youngest = I suggest replacing the comma with a semicolon instead.

wondering why his mother had just dumped him on the road like that, didn't she love him? = Didn't she love him should be it's own thought. It will make it stronger, like a supplication by the wolf if that makes sense.

He shook that thought away, growling, of course she loved him, she was just doing this for the good of her pack. = Here too, keep each thought on it's own. "He shook that thought away, growling. Of course she loved him. She was just doing this for the good of her pack." I linked to a great article that you can use as a guide when you're unsure if you're using commas correctly. I hope you find it as useful as I did.

To Comma or Not to Comma  (ASR)
That is the question.
#1014855 by Vivian


- there their everlasting friendship

All in all, what a wonderful story about friendship. Thank you for sharing it and I look forward to reading more stories from you!

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi The Zero I had the pleasure of reading your story and I'm coming to you with a review from "Invalid Item"  I hope you find it useful to you as a writer. Those are just my ideas, suggestions and reflections as a reader, not necessarily mistakes. *Smile*

~ it was evening and the sun was just beginning to hide itself from the nakedness of this earth to sleep for a while. = You said the same thing twice in a row in two different ways; the simple way, and the picturesque way. If you say it was evening, then you don't need to go ahead and describe how the sun was hiding. You should just say, the sun was beginning to hide itself etc and let the reader visualize what you are writing to understand that it's evening. Otherwise stick to simply saying, it was evening.

~ I slided slid my hands

~ and walking walked carelessly = I don't understand what it means to walk carelessly. Do you mean you were carefree?

~ a 10 minutes minute

~ and then as if the thought just kept bouncing as if I had seen her somewhere = I didn't understand what you meant here by the thought kept bouncing back. Maybe you can re-word this to make it more clear.

~ neither was like the Delhi girls who are way far hotter = This also needs to be re-worded because it sounds awkward. For example, 'Nor was she like the Delhi girls who were notoriously beautiful'

~for some a few seconds

~ captured every details of her detail about her

~ never ever thought of doing = You don't need to place the emphasis this way. Just saying never is enough *Smile*

~ Then I did something which I never ever thought of doing, let alone do it. = This didn't make sense. Try rephrasing it or just eliminating the second clause.

~ with a hint of kajol then/I did not realize that I had stopped breathing then I think you should eliminating both 'then's from those sentences because I feel they don't need to be there.

~ asked me that if the tickets cost her Rs. 38 and that she gave Rs. 100 = I suggest changing this part into actual dialogue instead of just explaining what she said. It will give your story another dimension, and it will be great to give the girl a voice. I think it will make her character stand out a lot stronger.

~ She did not look like it

~ A middle aged man started helping her

~ I took tickets and went to a side = I think it will be better if you describe better what you mean by you went to a side, because we have no idea what the space you are standing in looks like. Of course you can simple say,I stepped to the side waiting for her, or describe where you stood; maybe by a pillar or the ticket machine or the gate through which she had to pass to enter the metro.

~ As if I was travelling with her only = What was as if you were traveling with her only? Do you mean you didn't see anyone else? Make it more clear because it's a little confusing.

~ I thought was a smile or what? = the or what? is unnecessary. You already said you thought it was a smile so we understand that you are not entirely sure whether she smiled at you or not.

~ I too followed her = when you write, I too followed her, it seems like she was following you too, which she wasn't. So the "too" should be discarded.

*Heart* I like the description of the girl, and the way you listed them after you said you captured details about her. It then seemed you were reliving the flashes from your memory. I also like the ending. It was one line that just gave the story another flavor. Your story was so sweet, and I liked the way you paced it. the entire time we are unsure what will happen. Will you talk to her? Will she respond? Everything unravels in the end.

My suggestions to make it better is to work on your tenses and punctuation. Some verbs were conjugated incorrectly, or the tenses would switch between past and present at times, which is a common mistakes, you just need to re-read and she where you veered off. Also when there is dialogue, give it it's own space. Put it on a new line. You should also break up your piece into paragraphs so its more appealing to read.
All in all, it was a sweet story that I'm sure a lot of people can relate to. This happens on the metro all the time! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for sharing and I hope I was helpful to you.

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Artysoul I have feedback for "Bacchanalian addiction"  that I hope you find helpful to you as a writer. I try to provide as many ideas and suggestions as I can. Please remember I am not necessarily pointing out mistakes, those are just my reflections as a reader. *Smile*

CONTENT= The story revolves around a group of people invited to a diner party to indulge their addictions. I loved it. The debauchery was very vivid, I like that you gave each person an addiction and they each got absorbed into it, oblivious to who is around them. Personally, I thought your descriptive writing was spot on. Some descriptions were so accurate with a humorous tinge to them. (Like Lady Carlossa's double chins wagging at the sight of the pig *Bigsmile*) However, there were certain adjectives you used that made me wonder why you picked that particular one, and I questioned if you could have gone with a more accurate word. For example, you wrote:

-The ornate table is heavily laden with fantastic dishes - When I first read that, the first thought that popped into my head was that you were describing the plate itself, the dinnerware rather than the food. I suggest replacing fantastic with a food related adjective: delicious, appetizing, succulent, delectable...etc.

- gorgeous gossip - I didn't understand how gossip can be gorgeous, of course this is a creative choice up to you this is just my reaction as a reader. I guess I can see some people saying that. Maybe it will grow on me *Bigsmile*

- Lord Bacchus strides nonchalantly in - In my opinion, you don't need to add nonchalantly. Just his gesture of striding in, flinging fur across his back tells me exactly that he is not the guy to be remorseful for keeping a whole room of people waiting, even at his own party!

- pig with an apple caught between its teeth - I'm picking on this sentence because I think you can use a more suitable word than 'caught' since technically, he didn't really catch the apple in his mouth, it was stuffed there *Bigsmile*

What I loved in your story is the era you set it in, and the image of a fine dinner party where the conversation was all about snubbing those below them, Lords, Lady's and Father's occupying the seats, a magnificent Lord walks in...It was all very majestic. And then for it to sink down to raw, animalistic indulgence- it's a brilliant juxtaposition. My only beef with is is that I wish there was at least one extra sentence in the beginning to better describe how refined and classy the evening was, to further highlight the difference before and after. You described the scene, the chairs and the cutlery but only brushed past the guests, which is really what the story is about.

Finally, one suggestion I would like to make is to try to eliminate some adjectives because there were a lot in your piece. Most had their place to be there, but you can do without some, especially if they can be a bit redundant. For example, you wrote "turning it a dark, dried-blood brown" to describe Lord Bacchus' tunic after he spilled wine on it. They are four words that are heavy to say in a row. Plus red wine is the colour of blood so I don't think it's necessary to say it looked like dried blood. Even if you go with the blood imagery I think it can be better written.

-ravaged by a menacing, orgiastic, Bacchanalian addiction. - Bacchanalian addiction is already a mouthful so consider eliminating those extra adjectives and see if your sentence will work better without them. I think it does.

GRAMMAR:

In the start you were teetering with your tenses from past to present. You wrote: " Silverware gleams and crystal sparkles (present)/Guests are already seated (past)/ Our host is late (present)
So I suggest you just read through and see where you veered off in terms of tenses and stick the tense you chose you write your story in, which I can see is the present. I think that sometimes throws me off and it's a difficult tense to write it. All in all I don't see that much teetering but no harm in proofreading for it, right? ;)

- My thoughts become a swampy, marshland - You don't need the comma here.

- the world around him, lost in a fog of desire - This comma is also unnecessary.

- After the fourth or fifth glass, depending on the quality, my cheeks tinge pink - Because you added the clause in the middle 'depending on the quality' it makes it that you are making a general comment about yourself, rather than addressing this specific night. I think you can just add "Usually" at the beginning of this sentence and it will make sense. Otherwise you should eliminate that clause.

*Heart* Your story had everything working for it, the idea, the pacing and your writing is strong. The two main things I would suggest you look at are your tenses, and eliminating unnecessary adjectives to improve the flow of your piece. Other than that I thought you wrote brilliantly, you were able to make me believe what was happening, the descriptions were spot-on. ONe last comment that is not really about writing, consider spacing your story so it's easier to read. Indent and create paragraphs so it's not just one big block of text.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful story and I look forward to reading more of your writing.
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Review of Open-Toed Shoe  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Words By Joseph *Smile* I was attracted to your story from the title...I really like shoes *Bigsmile*

I thought your story was extremely sweet and I liked the positive message. The story reminded me of the stories I used to read in the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. They had a very down-to-earth, relatable theme and an uplifting, positive message which is what I found in your story. I do believe we get hope from simple gestures, and in her case it was a hidden angel. Even I felt slightly uplifted after reading your story so if that was your intention, it did come across.

Creatively, You nailed it. It seems you had an idea, you formed it clearly, you set a pace that you followed successfully. You were able to pack a good amount of information, including background information about your protagonist which clearly supported why she had a breakdown just from stubbing her toe. Hope was introduced at the right moment, and the story bloomed at the last moment, which was beautiful. Personally I like the pace you set, it all worked for me.

However, I think you need to tighten the screws on this story. There are a few sentences that I think you can re-edit so that there are no unnecessary distracting elements in your writing. I have pointed out a few below with some suggestions and my own personal refections. I hope you find them useful to you as a writer.

1- I think your opening sentence can be much stronger. It needs an element to drive it forward in my opinion. It needs a reason to exist. For example, maybe you can specify why this woman was heading out of her apartment. Where was she going? Or you can inject some emotion into the sentence so we are given some immediate insight either to your theme or the character herself. For example, what mood was she in when she left the apartment? Was she in a hurry? was she in a bad mood, angry, distracted, not here at all? Spike our curiosity from the beginning.

2- Raging pain climbed steadily up her ankle

Of course there is nothing wrong with what you wrote here, I just think if you make the pain more of an outburst rather than something that is steadily climbing up her foot it would leave a stronger impact on your reader. For me, Pain travels fast so when I hear that pain was gradually increasing I get a different impression than if I read that pain just shot up someones' arm or leg.

3- Your story is about finding hope suddenly in a moment of desperation. This woman stubbed her toe, broke down in tears and was considering death as a relief from her inner pain. I think this desperation should be stressed in the body of your story instead of played down. You made it seem like she was okay with her job at the flower shop. I'm not saying she has to be penniless and homeless so we can reach the right contrast with the moment of hope, but maybe add some more phrases that indicate she was incredibly unhappy at the state her life had reached. I really think this is important to add to your story as it will give it more strength.

4- I also think the scene that introduces the little girl can be modified to give her a more impressive entrance. Hearing her footsteps as she approaches ruins it for me. Why is she so conveniently coming down the stairs just as Kate stubbed her toe? There needs to be a believable motive even for the simplest actions in your story. Nothing should be there just to advance your story, if that makes sense. Maybe the girl comes out and is sitting at the top of the stairs, staring down at Kate because she heard her yell when she stubbed her toe. Even their conversation comes across a little staged and cold. I feel this scene should be much more warming and sincere considering you are setting the stage for the climax of your story.

*Heart* I thought the closing sentence was perfect. It wasn't so in your face and yet I understood that Kate finally did feel some hope, even though all she did was comment on how beautiful the name was.
This is a great story and with a few small edits I think it can be all-round perfect. And Thank you for sharing this uplifting story. *Smile*

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi breshke . I've decided to review your story "Pro-procrastination" because I regard myself as THE biggest procrastinator ever! So I was looking forward to reading a story about my own kind. I enjoyed your sweet little story but had a few comments that I hope you find helpful to you as a writer. *Bigsmile*

-Hastily reaching down to pick up the newspaper

I think if you use a more evocative verb rather than 'hastily grabbed' you can improve the flow of the sentence and make it more effective. He could grab the newspaper (using grab eliminate six words which you used to describe one swift action!).
He could seize, snatch, dive for the newspaper. You get the drift. Using a verb will make us feel the swift, hurried action.

-Harry had been hurriedly writing

Again, same comment as above. I'm not saying it's wrong but you can try using a verb here too to speed up the action. Use a verb like scrawled or scribbled; any verb that you feel best embodies his panic at that moment. Again, not wrong, but make us feel the panic a person feels when they put off something till the next day and then the next day and so on until they are out of time and have to do everything in the last minute- in this case literally. Everyone feels that, not just certified procrastinators, so lots of readers will be able to relate to that. If you can write something that makes them think, "I know EXACTLY how that feels, I've been there!" Then that would be excellent and I'm sure you can do it.

-He blamed it was in his genes.

I felt this was a bit awkward. You can go for 'He blamed his genes' or 'He claimed it was in his genes.' depending on what meaning you are going for. When blame is used we always look for who is being blamed and your sentence missed that.

-on the first day of her last year of high school.

Not a mistake, but I just wanted to point out that this sentence sounded a bit bulky. You can replace 'last year of high school' with senior year. And maybe also eliminate "first day" unless you feel it is important to the plot. The sentence in its entirety can be more powerful. You say Unlike Madison, Molly did not this it was funny...etc. Does Madison think its funny to be bumped into? Maybe she's just more understanding. Also, the way you structured the sentence the meaning I got is that Molly was upset because the person who bumped into her was a freshman and that he bumped into her on the first day of her senior year at high school...so would she be okay with it any other day? I suggest you switch the focus back to Harry, as he is the protagonist, and highlight his procrastinatory nature. So instead of saying Molly was angry because she didn't like freshman bumping into her, she was angry because the guy who bumped into her didn't even look up when he mumbled sorry, or just continued walking in his own bubble not even noticing he hit a person, or something to that effect. This will further accentuate the theme of your story.

-Now eight years later, everyone asked them

I think it should be everyone asks them rather than asked them, because you are bringing us to present when you started the sentence with 'Now'

Your conclusion can also be stronger had you further highlighted his procrastinatory nature (while we are here, this is the correct adjective as procrastinative is incorrect). I didn't understand what exactly payed off for him. Did he want to propose but was too lazy? Maybe you should include his thoughts on the topic earlier on in the story so we can understand his ultimate reaction to the letter.

All in all, I like the premise of the story. I know you wrote this with a time and word limit but you can pack much more about Harry and how he procrastinates because there was only one or two examples in the story so his character doesn't come across as strongly as it could.
Madison's character, however, was well developed. I felt she really liked Harry, accepting his nature even if it stood in the way of her desires. Her friends' constant badgering may have gotten to her at the end, but she still approached him in her own way, telling her she's okay with it not, but maybe not later. I thought with her letter you stayed true to her character so well done *Smile*

Thank you for sharing this story, I hope my suggestions are helpful to you as I tried to give you as many suggestions as possible so you get a thorough review. Please don't look at my comments as mistakes I just try to give you different perspectives to look at your story and ultimately, you are the writer and you know best!
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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Vine2* Answering your request for a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" ! *Vine1*


Hi Lilacor, I'm Mandarine coming to you with some honest, thorough and hopefully encouraging feedback! *Smile* I tried to give you as many suggestions as I could, so please don't look at the following as mistakes: they are not! They are ideas, my reflections, and some recommendations.

INTRODUCTION: I find the first sentence just a tad wordy. It's the introduction to your story, and sometimes long sentences that are hard to digest can discourage the reader from going on. I suggest you eliminate a few words to improve the flow. Suggestions:

to take just a moment

heat fully engulfs

*Note* and those of you who can afford to head for the beach

In this last phrase, its not about unnecessary words but I assumed you spoke about the beach and about baring our bodies to ease us into the subject of women's breasts. However you kind of detached yourself from the topic when you said YOU instead of US and narrowed down your audience further by stating 'those who can afford to'. Not only does this make your starting sentence longer I didn't understand why you felt it was important to state that only some people can afford to go to the beach as it's not really relevant to your topic. As you start to focus in on your topic, I think you should place more emphasis on maybe finding the right bathing suit for example (something EVERY woman goes through during beach season) rather than affordability because it will keep your reader on the right track as you converge towards the thesis of your story.

SUGGESTIONS: To deal with this menace, until public health laws catch up

I think you should put an "and" before until otherwise it seems you are starting a new, independent thought.

The following sentence that begins with "I’m thinking about borrowing from the automotive industry..etc is missing some commas, semicolons, or a restructure. It seems a bit messy as it is, although I must say the meaning still does come through so that's a good thing. You're sort of creating a list of solutions, so you can try a semi-colon after automative industry and listing your solutions by separating each one with a comma. Or you can simply throw in a semicolon after "scaffolding even" to put the last part as a general thought.

*Heart* you’ll be wondering whether to buy your breasts a new bra or a pair of shoes
This is way too funny! I had to stop reading to laugh! I couldn't wait to repeat it to my friend because this joke is hilarious *Laugh*. Can't stop laughing!

*Heart*You paid how much for those things and they don’t come with a lifetime location guarantee? Funny and smart.

*Heart* these things need an off-ramp to smooth the descent. *Bigsmile* Funny because it's true!! Some speed bumps are ridiculous.

and only take half your car

I think only should come after 'take' because we are taking just half the car rather than the entire thing.

Like having one headlight out of alignment it just doesn’t work.

Again you need some punctuation love here to stress the second part of the sentence. Try a semicolon after alignment.

I used to think the biggest threat to women's health was when you'd...etc"
Another really long sentence. It didn't bother me at all. I'm just trying to give you suggestions to see your work differently and try to enhance it. You may decide you like the long sentence and it might enhance the tone you are going for but again, just a suggestion. I would break it up, add a full stop after work, chuck out 'and' and start the second sentence with "Throughout the course..."

Generally speaking, ellipses should only be three dots long "..."
Also, You don't need to put double question marks to emphasize incredulity. The way you structure your sentence already places the emphasize in these phrases {Have you been?/and ...lifetime location guarantee}. Trust that the reader can sense those subtle emphases.

CONCLUSION:

Your conclusion I thought was really strong, really funny, packed with jokes and tied the story together well. I think you were able to pull off humor, which is really difficult, so Kudos! You chose an angle I have never seen before; very witty and unique. I personally thought you had an even, comedic flow, and paced your jokes well. I really enjoyed reading this piece and got a few good laughs out of it. Thank you for sharing and I hope I was able to be helpful to you.
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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Vine2* Answering your request for a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" ! *Vine1*


Hi FiFi.I'm Mandarine As you requested, I am reviewing your story and I hope you find my notes helpful and encouraging as I intend them to be.

Character: This is the first FiFi Jo piece I read so I'm forming my judgement on this character based on this story alone. (for now) Although your piece was short I liked the character you are building. She's a bit (ok a lot! *Bigsmile*) careless, wild, living in her own little bubble of fun and living in the moment.

Suggestions: In the first paragraph you speak in first person as if Fifi Jo is writing her own diary, but I feel you under-use the pronoun "i" in the piece. I like the idea of a journal to narrate what is happening, but I still wish it was a little more personal and less just a quick jot in a diary. I think just a few full sentences will also allow you to decide what tense you want to write it because in some instances the tenses made the sentence sound awkward.

For example:

"Ring work and explain will not be in today, as suffering from RSI of wrist."


This sounds like she is making a mental note to ring work, so I am reading it as future. The next sentence her boss "explains" so we are in present again. The last sentence you "reminded" so we are in the past. I really believe the journal form is creating a confusion of tenses, so you should just pay attention to what tense you want to write the story in and make sure you are sticking to it when necessary.

This sentence was awkward and confusing:"Takes great pains in chuckling down phone"
I wasn't sure who took great pains. The tense again renders the sentence confusing. Also the typo "chuckling" instead of "chucking" as chuckling means to laugh.

I wish there was more! I hope you can add more meat to each section. It doesn't have to be flowery or descriptive writing as I see your style is more straight-forward and I like that a lot, but maybe tell us more about what she did for example. It will give us more time to get to know and attach ourselves to your character and just make it a meatier story. This is of course a creative choice that is totally up to you, it might read differently if it was part of a series meant to be read together, which could be the case as I noticed you are writing different stories based on the same character, but judging just by this piece alone, yes I do wish there was more to read because I found myself really interested in her life and wanted to spend more time with Fifi in her adventures.

*Heart* All in all, I will definitely follow the adventures of FiFi! I think she's a fun character and you can expand on her in endless ways. In a way, I felt you stayed true to your character through your writing, because the style you chose complimented her well; quick, to the point, no time to lose because it's cutting off precious party time *Bigsmile*. I hope you find my suggestions helpful and look forward to reading more of your work.


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Review of Self Portrait  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Corey, I'm Mandarine coming to you with an honest, thorough review *Bigsmile* Please keep in mind that I am making suggestions to help you enhance your story and see it from a new perspective; that of a reader. I hope you find my feedback helpful to you as a writer.

I honestly think you are a talented writer, you understood how to play with words and how to pace your story. Your characters shone through, they were all intriguing; especially John. I think you build a great character and managed to go inside the head of an artist, which makes me suspect you are an artist yourself. Your writing was intelligent and vivid. Some sentences that I pointed out below may just need a proofread or could just be my own opinion; you might not agree with my suggestions and that's perfectly fine. However, I don't think they diminish the strength of your piece. The story is creative, unsettling and I would recommend it strongly to others.

SUGGESTIONS

I

If I could have found more words to support my opinion, I would have. - would have what? Seems like an incomplete thought.

After a brief search for a person who looked as if they held authority,
I found this phrase unnecessarily wordy. 'for a person of authority' for example flows better.

this particular one reading ‘John’
Here again I found unnecessary words. I get what you're trying to say, but I think you should scratch out "this particular one" and just say 'it read John' or rephrase the sentence.

The last sentence of the third paragraph could do without dialogue. You can paraphrase yourself, and simply say you asked the guard about the painting. Also you said obvious fascination in your voice, but how is fascination obvious? It would be much more interesting and useful for your character if you show us how the guard, or anyone looking at your protagonist, could see the fascination he felt for the photo. For example, were his eyes wide and expectant? Did he whisper while asking about it like he was going to hear the most important secret in the world? Did he grab the guard by the arms in a display of desperation and awe? I'm not saying he should do any of these things, he is your character and you understand him best after all, but my point is it's much more fun to see how a person interacts and show us how he is feeling whatever he's feeling rather than just telling us.

Without even a glance in the direction I pointed toward
A bit chunky. You can replace with something that will flow smoother like, 'Without a glance in my direction'

In the first chapter, I found that your writing had a great pace and flow but some sentences stood in the way; they were either too wordy or chunky and just needed to have some superfluous words eliminated. You narrator is the protagonist, so you have to make sure you are not getting in every character's heads telling us how they think. We should only be able to see the story from the protagonists point of view.
For example, you wrote; He sighed, signifying that his previous warning was an attempt at persuading me to back out at the last minute.
Can you really tell that much from a sigh? Your protagonist shouldn't. Your protagonist can assume that the guard wanted him to back out and say so, but I don't think he can say for sure what another person is thinking.

II

without a large reputation as a center for artists, Chicago wouldn’t be subject to the constant influx of runaways looking to make it big that he was accustomed to in New York.
I like this sentence but the meaning gets lost because of the way it was structured. My suggestion is to remove all the negations because its somewhat confusing, and also condense it. So something like, 'Lacking a reputation as an artists' hub, Chicago isn't subject etc." The second clause is also heavy "that he was accustomed to in NY" I think you should remove the pronoun HE because by the time we get to it I don't know who "he" is.

normal breakfast
I think you meant regular breakfast.

Rather than give you a line-by-line edit, I just want to suggest you look over your long sentences, because I think that's where most of the blunders happened. Whenever you wrote a long sentence they came out a bit awkward and chunky and this distracted from their meaning. I think you should throw away unnecessary words, it hurts but you can do it, no matter how imperative you think they are, condense the sentences so that they make sense.

*Heart*Honestly speaking that's the only thing I found wrong because your writing is superior and you can really tell a story and make the reader feel the emotions and pain in your characters. Although I pointed out a few mistakes I still think your story deserves a high rating so I gave you a 4.5.

You had some insightful observations. I like when John thought it was okay to enter the apartment because Jude sighed his invitation "your friend". It was amusing but also very true, and 'knowing' John, I expected his character would assume something like that. It was in line with him feeling proud that he was Jude's savior in giving him advice about breaking through. Your dialogue was simple but added some life to your story. When the characters were feeling frustration and pain, it came through authentic.

Thank you for sharing and I hope to read more of your work. I know you said you are worried about undue compliments but I was extremely honest in my review with the good and the bad.


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Review of the ill  
Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Vine2* Answering your request for a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" ! *Vine1*


Hello C.Shyide, I'm Mandarine . Thank you very much for sharing this wonderful story. I really enjoyed reading it and had some suggestions and comments to offer from my perspective as a reader. I hope that, as a writer, you can use them to your advantage.

Technicalities:

"I didn’t see it happening in the light my friends didn’t show"
"I hear her spit on my food before she comes in “medicine” she lies"
"At lunch she always brings a drink its lemonade."

Several sentences in your story, such as the examples I pointed out above, were missing structure. They require commas, a full stop or refragmenting because as they stand it's difficult to make out where one thought starts and the other ends. A lot of the thoughts were squished together without signifying when we had to pause. Using commas and semi-colons can be tricky but once you master it your story will flow significantly better and you can use it to your advantage to add the right effect to your writing. The story is thoughts of a sick person and thoughts usually arrive to us quickly and sometimes not in a linear order. But since you are writing his thoughts, it's important to create an order that will make sense to your reader.

That's something you did skillfully. He explained his relationship to his mother, and what he thought of her. He then told us about his travels on his bed and the strange characters he was associating himself with. There was a great flow there. The only set back was many sentences were running into each other with no punctuation and made them difficult to understand.

I think this article on run-on sentences is great at explaining this concept and I'm sure you will be able to use it to your advantage to make your writing a lot stronger.

 Running into Run-On Sentences  [ASR]
Tips for solving the run-on sentence problem
by Vivian


Creativity:

Your ideas were extremely creative; Oscar who ended up a pin on the mother's blouse, the frisky President…I don't know how you come up with this stuff! but it was very entertaining to read. I couldn't figure out whether the mom was really mean to him or if it was something he was just imagining. You did a great job at creating a character out of this man, who was connected to these thoughts. Childish, needy, paranoid…these attributes stood out for me from his thoughts.

Introduction/Conclusion:

Introduction: I really liked the way you started your story. It was a great establishing shot. What better way to put us in the shoes of a bed-ridden sick man than to describe his ceiling! After all it's probably the view he is most familiar with. It was smooth and eased us into the story with a great pace.

The conclusion left me with some questions. He seemed pretty miserable being sick and locked up in his room by his mother. Why was he not more excited about being free, and why did he say that he wanted to remain sick? I didn't see any motivation for him to have this wish anywhere in the story. I expected him to be excited about leaving with anyone as long as it wasn't his mother. Maybe you should stress more on the point that he was started to get scared, and maybe he suspects what is really happening, and that is what makes him reluctant to follow the old man in the green robe.

*Heart* Overall I'm glad I found this piece. It has a great, unique twist and characters that stand out. I hope you found my comments helpful and please remember these are just my personal views and suggestions. I look forward to reading more of your writing *Smile*

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi LimitlessWriter. I'm Mandarine . I enjoyed reading your essay and had a few suggestions and feedback to offer you that I hope you find helpful. *Peace*


Suggestions:

"We {...} find many hardships on the way and soon it is winter and all your petals wilt away."

I understood the correlation you made between hardship and the petals wilting off a flower. We're a strong beautiful flower but hardships can sometimes break us down and you used the imagery of the flower to illustrate that. But when u say "and soon it is winter" I felt you de-attached the first part of your sentence from the second one. It would be easier for me to tie the metaphor together if you had said "Soon it is winter, we face many hardships and all our petals wilt away" (an example) That way it comes across clearer that winter is the hardships a person faces. HOWEVER, your sentence still stands beautiful as it is. Not everything has to come easy to the reader.

"I, on the other hand, feel like a unique flower"

Not to say you are not unique *BigSmile* but when I read that I thought, 'but I thought we were all special and different and unique *Cry*' You said that too in the first sentence. We are all told to reach for the stars, aren't we? I agree that you are unique. And maybe that's why we write, to share our strange, beautiful, crazy, unique thoughts to the world. And that's why I read. I want to know why you are unique, and how you reach harder than some other people for the stars. I like the description that follows about how you see the unknown. Maybe that's what you should be telling us. To reach for the unknown. We're always told to reach for the stars, you want us to reach higher. And you show your unique perspective in that paragraph so in my opinion, that is what I would stress on here.

Theme:
You used a few different metaphors and familiar phrases in your piece. For example chains as society conventions, rainbow at the end of the storm. I think you should shed the familiar and use an unfamiliar phrase to introduce a new perspective on the idea of your essay. I'm not saying it is bad or wrong. But when we hear a phrase again and again, such as "Don't worry, there's a silver lining to every cloud" It's not very inspirational is it? I want to hear something new that will move me, because something I've heard many times before, I become immune to it.
Another point I want to add is that since your essay is short, I (and this is a personal opinion don't forget) would stick to one theme when it comes to metaphors. You started off with the sky, flowers, sky and universe. I felt it fit, you had a nature theme going, and I think nature is extremely inspirational so I really liked that. But then you introduced another familiar metaphor "the chains of society" and I felt you strayed a bit from the theme.

Grammar/Punctuation:

There were only a couple of spelling mistakes in there that you may have simply overlooked;

adversaties = adversities

specail = special

One thing I noticed in your piece is some misplacement of commas. There are many articles you can find on WDC that can help better understand how to use commas. Here's one I found useful
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor


*Crown* Overall, I hope you write more pieces like this that are inspirational and positive. I was hoping to find more in your portfolio *Bigsmile* Thank you for sharing your work and I enjoyed reading it very much. *Heart*



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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ian. I'm Mandarine and I'd like to give you some feedback on your story. I hope you find my comments helpful *Peace*

First Impressions:

This was really funny and what a great idea! It's really original, witty and I read it a few times over just because it was that enjoyable. Thank you for sharing this. If your intention was to make people laugh, then you succeeded *BigSmile*

Suggestions:
(there are not things that are necessarily wrong, but just suggestions that you may or may not take into consideration)

*Crown* The scribe addresses the Kingdom as "Kingdom of his Highness" and I feel a name for the kingdom would make it sound like it is an actual place that exists and give the speech a little more authenticity.

*Crown* You write, please, please, please, PLEASE take back these repulsive... = I think instead of four pleases you can express his desperateness with a statement or other descriptive words to better illustrate his urgency to rid himself of the virgins. For example, "for the love of God, take back these repulsive hellspawn!" I'm sure you can come up with something better!

*Crown* You also might want to consider tweaking the language a little bit to make it sound like Old English to add to its authentic feel. There were parts in your story where you've done that and I actually do like that it was informal in parts, I found humour in that, but in my opinion a little more "proper" English will add a lot to the piece.

Grammar & Punctuation:


No problems there as far as I can tell *CheckV*

Just a note, was it intentional to end the letter with "Long live the King."? I wasn't sure if it was meant to be funny since the King is dead (I thought it was!) or if you just ended it that way as a standard way to end a scribe's letter and didn't notice the contradiction.

My rating: I gave you a four because I thought the idea was really original. I loved the humour, I did laugh and I think it's actually really difficult to write comedy but you made it work. I think you can refine your piece and take it to the next level if you make it sound as an authentic letter written by a scribe.

Thanks for sharing your work and I hope to read more from you.

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Review by Mandarine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi MattMatthias . This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading "The Great Light (Pt. 1)"  I have the following comments to offer:

*ButtonV*Overall Impression:

I'm excited to read the rest of this story. Smooth writing so it's easy to read, despite the fact that you tried to match the writing style and speech to the era the story is set in. You succeeded in doing so without over-decorating your writing to achieve that effect. People underestimate the power of simple writing in my opinion but you got it right.

*Pencil*Suggestions:

*Crown*I feel the word "ether" was overused in this chapter. It's a short written piece, and the word appeared 11 times.

*Crown*Your opening sentence contains an awkward word: "sorrowfully". I know it's a real word but for a first sentence I felt it dragged the piece down with such a heavy opening word. This is just my personal opinion.

*Crown*As far as character development, I really don't know what kind of person you envision Malt to be. At the start I saw him as someone extremely tough and possibly intimidating. After all he was revered by all. But when speaking to Otara he seemed timid and fearful. I can't really judge the character from this chapter but just something to look out for, keeping the character consistent and believable.

*Crown* As you're writing to match up to the 'time' the story is set in, I suggest you watch out for certain words that may not have been in use at the time. For example the word "client" in the context that you used it in appeared only in the 17th century and I think your story is based before that time, am I correct? I'm no entomology expert but I do love to write stories set in ancient times and I think it's a good idea to keep in mind what words were used and which weren't especially when characters are speaking them.

*Crown* Did Otara know what had happened? Did she orchestrate the entire thing? Those are the questions that ran through my head as I read this, but she seemed just as confused as me at the end, asking a lot of questions to herself. This, to me, contradicted her actions beforehand. It seemed she was aware of what happened and why. So when she questioned it in the end I felt a bit confused..

*Heart*What I Like:

I'm loving where this is going. I love fantasy, your writing is direct making it an entertaining read. In every sentence there is action happening and that makes your story seem very animated. Thumbs up to you !

Mandarine

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Review of Living in Darwin  
Review by Mandarine
Rated: E | (3.0)
*RainbowL*Hello*RainbowR*,

I love to read about other people's experiences. The world is so big and there's a million lives to live, and since we can only live one, reading what others have done is the best alternative, so thank you for sharing your experience.

Overall, I wish there was more of this! You spoke about battling sandflies, the mean office girls, and all the politics of working in an office. I am sure there are many situations you can add from these experiences to flesh out your story :) I personally would love to read about them if you decide to share them.

*Crown* The first paragraph was introducing Darwin to us but I wish there was more description about the city of Darwin rather than just the weather. Is it an industrial city, by the sea, countryside... It helps to give a rounded description of the setting of your story so we can better transport ourselves there.

*Crown* Call me strange, but I liked the frog in the loo bit! I thought it was a great descriptive paragraph about how they hung on while being flushed then scrambled back into their places.

*Crown* In terms of punctuation, grammar and spelling, I just noticed minor things you can adjust. For example you use the ellipsis a lot "..." when a fullstop would suffice.

*Crown* You abbreviated government as "govt". I think this is the curse of modern age. We abbreviate a lot while texting or instant messaging and this sometimes seeps into our writing when we don't consciously pay attention!

*Crown* I believe you have great material to work with, and a strong grip on your subject matter. You delved into some history of Uranium mining in the region which shows you know what you're talking about. I hope to read more of this if you decide to flesh it out.

Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*
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Review of Sunset  
Review by Mandarine
Rated: E | (5.0)
I LOVE it!

I gave this a 5 because this is the best descriptive piece i have read in a while and i find the imagery perfect.

The sunset is a very inspirational scene for many writers so its easy to fall into cliches and familiar phrases but this just blew me away with its originality.

Even though its a very short piece, it has a great build up and finale.I can only say good things about this, sorry!
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