Amazing how seven simple lines can carry such meaning.
There is a longing here. And a knowing. The question is, which takes control? I would imagine it would be both, from time to time.
And there is a hope, somehow, that the unknowing knowing will carry you forward, because deep inside, you DO know that it will all be worth it in the end.
Maybe it takes a kindred soul to resonate with your poem. Mine did.
It gave me kind of a sinking feeling in my stomach
to know that Troubles were being released
Just bandied about without consideration as to who they might attach to.
Very well written
You know how to turn a phrase.
I'll move on now. But still, the sinking feeling goes with me.
I really enjoyed this moral tale.
I do believe I've read something similar but in the end it matters not. It only matters that you sowed the words into neat rows and made the hair on my arms stand on end when my mind cottoned to the reason behind the story.
Kindness does not go unnoticed.
Treat others as you wish to be treated.
Believe in the goodness of human (boy) kind and they will one day pass along your history in their actions to not only their fellow humans but to the children that are lucky enough to call them 'Dad'.
There is value in hard work, of course, but not the never-ending kind.
You did what you did to obtain your goals. Made a life.
I would be interested to know what your sister's attitude was. I can assume, but maybe tie it into the earlier mention of her? She may have had that attitude, but how did that turn in to the hard work of house painting?
It was well-written. I really felt for Aaron and Sarah. The details about what he could and could not do (i.e. no blood flow) were thought out and introduced in a manner that was a little tongue-in-cheek. I always appreciate a little humor in a story.
"L" is an interesting character. I didn't quite 'like' him, but there's not a lot of time in a short story to develop many redeeming qualities in a task-master such as he.
And, the ending left me thinking. Would Sarah take this as a 'sign' that God exists to have her husband call her from the dead? Or would she put it down to a hallucination and seek therapy? Only Sarah will know.
Ugh. I've had dreams like this.
Well, not Exactly like this, of course. I have no idea what it will be like in 2516.
But...I have had dreams of the same ilk. Of knowing that if I wake up, I will just be right where I am. And knowing that I know that I know, it just makes it worse.
I enjoyed your short story. It was thought-provoking.
This was great. I loved the lead-in and it was a really creepy feeling that ran up my spine when the painting mirrored the patrons/scene and the patrons mirrored the painting.
Did you mean "mesmerized" instead of "memorized" in "The bum in the painting was turned toward two men memorized by the jukebox?"
For half a moment I was afraid that Kenny and Scott were turned into whatever the rest of them were, but thankfully that proved not to be true.
I really like this poem. It ebbs and flows quite nicely.
The meaning is obscure but, upon rereading (and rereading) the reader can come to their own understanding.
I'm curious how you decided on the pacing for the lines in the second stanza? It stands out to me as a little less 'flowy'. In my mind, I see it is as:
Filling the space, the emptiness.
For between us is a chasm that is as naught. These are the dreams of Orpheus.
Divine in harmony, the sacred, separation of notes, blending,
Extending, sound expanding. Fills the ocean unconscious.
Or even:
Filling the space, the emptiness.
For between us is a chasm that is as naught.
These are the dreams of Orpheus.
Divine in harmony, the sacred, separation of notes, blending,
Extending, sound expanding. Fills the ocean unconscious.
I had to google 'veves' which is a fantastic word. It always tickles me when I come across a word I need to look up.
At the end of the first stanza there is a comma. Should it be a period?
And lastly, you repeated 'reverberation' in the first and the last stanzas, and 'sound expanding' in all but the third stanza. Assuming this is deliberate, is it a theme? If so, should they be incorporated into each stanza?
Well-written and thought-provoking. Thanks for writing this.
This is such a cute story. Tell me you have more than one chapter?
I've always been a sucker for a good romance and this has all the markings of being interesting. Intriguing, as well. Why is he checking out romance novels? Is he a budding writer and wants inspiration? Is he volunteering at a nursing home and reads to the women there? So many possibilities!
Well-written. Very well-written, in fact. The cadence was good all the way through, and his descent into madness is obvious and ramps up at a good pace.
The only sentence I have a suggestion on is "There was a television above the waiter’s head as he worked." I think saying where it was is the key point. How about something like "There was a television bolted high on the wall behind the counter." That's not perfect either, but something along those lines.
I'm sorry about your Dad. It's been many years since my Dad passed but your poem was totally relatable and brought back so many memories.
I liked the tone you set and your admiration for your father comes across clearly. A suggestion? In the first stanza, I would remove the other two 'fateful's you have there. I don't think they really add anything to the power, nor does removing them take any thing away. "On that fateful day."
I enjoyed your poem. I've never come across a double acrostic before; that must have been very challenging.
I would suggest the following edit: "Let the warmth of the sun ..." Adding those two words doesn't change your first and last letter of the line and helps the flow of the sentence. In my opinion, of course.
I liked the overall message of the poem as well. Well done.
Loved this!
I felt like I was right there, tasting the blood on my own lip as I kissed my girl as she tried to save me from my own fate.
Nothing critical to say--rather, it's all praise.
I could feel the dark interior of the hallway, smell the sweat and fear and lust...
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