It's a time-worn tale, to be sure. Love. Loss. Regret. And freedom. Hope for the future. Those who once caused us so much pain are finally put aside. Finally.
Suggestion in the first stanza:
His slate blue eyes, dream of far off lands.
could be re-worded to: "His eyes, slate blue, dream of far-off lands."
Re-reading your poem a number of times still leaves me satisfied.
An Alicondor is the stuff legends are made of! A story to tell the kiddos and for the tale of Paddy's adventures to be handed down from generation to generation. I can just see the wide-eyed great grandchildren listening with rapt attention.
Donning my editing hat, there are some spots where I would recommend a look-over. Some examples:
1. Hanging his head on the ship’s railing, (suggestion: change "on" to "over")
2. It’s tail it swished from side to side. (suggestion: change "It's" to "Its" as it is possessive, not plural)
3. Was trouble and not be denied. (suggestion: add "would" so that it reads "Was trouble and would not be denied.)
Excellent.
Dark.
Dark needs to be told in a way that makes sense.
Dark needs to be told in a way that grips the reader. Told in a way that drums some sense into those who will hear.
The structure of your poem holds true. I'm not a rhyming poet and admire those who can rhyme well!
I do have a question of the use of the word "but" in "The house is but small." To me, you could leave out the "but" and still have a good sentence: "The house is small,"
I'm curious as to why you chose to use it?
I love the letter format you used to get your point across. Silly company thinking to swindle a savvy writer from not only funds but also the feeling of accomplishment that must be bundled with the Hard Work module!
The points in your letter are laid out well. My only suggestion would be to re-work the paragraph on the Coke/Pepsi challenge. Just the last part? Perhaps something like "This is the Coke vs Pepsi Challenge of writing programs and I intend to be the Coke (or the Pepsi. I can never remember who actually won, but whichever one won...that will be me!)." Upon re-reading your original, I think it does work, so maybe my suggestion is not needed? At first read I was a little thrown by the exclamation point. Probably just me.
Anyway, enough about all that. I think this was a great read and personally inspiring!
It's a sad tale, to be sure. But in your 365 words are all the details to tell the tale of appeasing the (hopefully not obnoxious) town drunk while still keeping your job.
I do suggest adding a hyphen between towel and laden so that the sentence reads "He pointed a half-dry glass in his towel-laden hand at her."
I love that you used colors to describe the blending of two souls together. How easy it is to visualize what you are trying to picture. How wise of your friend to mention that, once intermingled/mixed, the yellow and green are inseparable.
It made me think that, even if there was ultimately a separation, or a divorce, or a death, those intermingled parts become then the memories in not only for the couple, but also for those who knew them "then."
Everyone likes to be the object of someone's attention. The story makes it obvious how we look through those rose-tinted glasses (pretty in pink?) at that object and hold them above all else, including ourselves.
I would suggest some more paragraph breaks in the second paragraph to emphasize your feelings.
I hope one day he'll get to know how you feel about him.
I am in awe that you managed to tell a complete story in so few words. It's a skill.
I'm probably a sucker for rescue stories but more likely just a person who realizes that angels do fall from heaven and that men live every day to make those angels feel loved.
The quotation marks are for the subject matter. Which I'm totally cool with (I'll read practically anything) but if there is a man in jail for a crime he did not commit, then that is a travesty of justice.
I like this poem.
It has some good lyrical sense to it. I can almost hear it as a rap song. A positive rap song!
The message is clear, and self-affirming. We are the ones that get us to where we are going.
A few things I noticed:
In the second stanza, there are two instances where you used 'your' when it should be 'you're.' And in the third stanza, 'its' should be 'it's.'
My only suggestion is to spend a little time detailing what jokes they told in their attempt to make Grumble laugh. Perhaps start off with something lame and give his reaction, and then build until he laughs.
I loved the premise of the story. Who doesn't love a good second-coming-is-it-really-happening-this-time-story, right?
You use dry humor and wit in the right places.
I would suggest, for ease of reading, that you insert some paragraph breaks. The font is also small which hinders readability. I did note a spelling error, in that "fiancwas" is probably meant to be "fiance was."
There are a lot of characters in this short story. It might be worth taking some of the less central characters down a notch to make the important ones stand out. Also I am curious to the reference to Cherie as "faux fiance?"
Favorite line: "But not Gary. Like Linus in the pumpkin patch, he separated himself from the doubters and awaited its arrival."
I'll say it again: there's some REALLY good stuff in here.
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