Um...nice, sort of...forgive me if I'm being dense, but is this a tribute to to Life? Or to this world? I liked the contrasting (and conflicting) attributes and facets, the pushes and pulls that you've brought out very neatly. Particularly liked the line:
"Hearing and hoping, sink deep in the darkness, give in to the silence, find rest in that place."
Wow, epic effort! I liked the stream of consciousness effect (is that how you wrote it - at one go, as it came?). I get the sense that the person in the poem has 'moved on' or is finding their feet after a particularly distressing period. In spite of being inward-looking for the most part, it conveys the desire to engage with the unknown, the other. However, while being "alive" sure as heck beats "existing" - you (or the poem, rather) don't sound terribly kicked about it. Would suggest review for typos/spell-check. All the very best and have a very Happy new year!
Great start - the imagery is seductive. Also a superb effort for your first piece. However (), I think it might read better if you let go of the rhyming (must confess though, I'm a sucker for rhyme - no reason). Especially the last line. In any event, a terrific start. All the very best - and wishing you a very creative 2012!
Good one! I liked the dry humor slipped in neatly - like the cat on the keyboard. You've also managed to give a very clear glimpse into the life of an IT support guy. The open-ended ending is also interesting - although you may wish to revise it for typos/grammar (unless the loose grammar bits are intentional). Thank you for sharing.
Sorry about your Uncle - you seem to have been very close. Have you written this from the perspective of his soul after his passing on - sorry if I'm being dense in asking this? If yes, it brings out very well what some of us believe in - and have felt, too, in the passing of our loved ones - about 'what happens afterwards'. Your rendition reveals the depth of both thought and emotion. May I suggest though you revisit it to fix grammar and typos. All the best and Merry X'mas!
Heart-rending. What's sadder than the grief is the sense of resignation - and the sheer self-perceived helplessness. I also wonder why there is no anger - have all feelings died? Since you have sought to know - I certainly think it is contest-worthy. However, would suggest, you spend some more time polishing it (for grammar/syntax/typos/choice of words - not the emotion). All the very best.
Wow! Bone-chillingly wicked work. Brilliant spin on the Cinderella story (don't remember it very well after all these years) - through the perverse prism of today. Noticed a couple of typos/technical points but mentioning those would be mere nit-picking - so will only suggest you go over it carefully once more. Superb effort!
Fascinating - I started reading it as a battle story and wasn't prepared for the narrator to take the hit. Very well-written, of course, with both the real and surreal (or extra-real, if I may) parts handled very well. Very interesting end - although I felt it could have been fleshed out a bit more - from acceptance of death, to being 'alive' again, to the final verdict. And the soul's ability to hear that. Very glad I read this. Thanks.
Very sensitive and yet told with a certain crispness that contrasts well with the emotional undercurrents. For a second I thought it was your own account - till I checked and found the fiction tag Neat plot, simple backdrop (home), regular character (dad) with an interesting youth, twists to make it interesting...almost all the stuff that makes for a good short story. Could use a bit of tightening/editing, though ("the loss she had for Dae-Ho", for instance, doesn't sound quite right to me).
Ummm...well-written overall...but! And I hope you don't mind my saying so...was this written for some contest with a tight deadline? The plot could've used some more thought - and the narrative is, well, hurried in most parts...including the climax. However, there's no doubt you have talent...all the best!
Ummm...the raw emotion is amazing - and that is what runs through this poem as its very life-blood. You seem to be quite young - and this is a great effort.
I particularly liked this imagery in the context of the barbed wire:
"I'm just a face in the crowd,
how do i untanlge myself,"
If I may suggest though, you may want to spell-check and go over the grammar/syntax in a few places. For instance, in the lines above. All the best, and do keep writing!
Geri, your angst comes through tempered with fairness and restraint - even in the letter to your president. Although I'm not a teacher, I can see what you - and millions like you (in developing countries, in particular) - must be facing. Teaching must be challenging enough in these times of stretched resources, fragmented families and increasingly unruly kids - and to be treated unfairly certainly must make it so much tougher. Cliched though it may sound, but it is teachers today who will shape the world as it will be tomorrow. So I do hope that you, and all those sincere folks like you, hang in there without getting cynical and help this planet evolve a future that's more promising than the present. All the best.
Simply put, straight from the heart - a sister's love that doesn't pretend one bit. Just a couple of points: some lines rhyme, some don't; the long lines tend to stretch a bit (although each, quite aptly, carries a thought) - but perhaps you might want to see if it can be restructured a bit to read either rhythmically or not at all...purely my perspective...in any case, nothing takes away from the beautiful sentiment of it
Intriguing - I'm assuming this is a sort of a prologue to, or an excerpt from maybe a longish short story or a novella. It begins well with elegant detailing of the environment where it starts - introducing a sense of foreboding even before you start talking about disappearences.
You do need to work on a few things, though, in my opinion before posting a piece.
1. Spell-check/Edit: One example is "dissapearances". There are others, like "look out" (should be one word as a noun), "dont" (short for do not, so it should be don't)...etc...
2. Choice of words/Tense: "After that amount of time, you'd think that the culprit of these dissapearances was found, but the case was never solved." - I would say "After all that time..." and "...had been found"...also this might be a quibble, but I'd go with "the case remained unsolved..." or "...the mystery endured..." or some such. And..."Tori rolled her eyes, tears beginning to swell in them, she liked Jeffrey." Isn't rolling your eyes an expression of exasperation or annoyance...and if she was annoyed, what about? Is that what made her tearful...umm...? And in the same breath, "she liked him"...ok, I get it that the female mind is very layered ...yet, it leaves one wondering...or is that what you were trying to do?
3. One last, subjective, point: Abruptness in the flow - perhaps you may want to pay more attention to how the narrative moves from one event/thought to another...
It is overall a very promising plot and you have taken a very interesting approach. I would certainly want to know where it goes!!! All the best...
Excellent perspective - probably like it even more 'coz that's what I keep saying .
However, when you say 'anti-social' don't you actually mean 'unsocial'? Although, of course, these platforms do serve anti-social elements of all kinds the better since they can hide behind their virtual selves to s-talk potential victims of their offline activities...
You have clarity of thought and are able to stitch together different elements to make a cogent argument. So 'confusd' is actually a misnomer for you
All the very best -
Sheer poetry! Your muse is fortunate - as you appear to be to have someone like that to inspire a piece like this
Write on - must go to your portfolio to see what other gems I might find there! Just one question though - why not keep her forever ?
Gripping - from the word go! Fast-paced, detailing action like a movie script (maybe this could a strong contender for a great action/fantasy flick storyline) and rooted in human values. But your description (An immortal stumbles upon a human girl in dire need of saving.) is a little underwhelming. You could lose potential readers with that.
best
sk
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), I think it might read better if you let go of the rhyming (must confess though, I'm a sucker for rhyme - no reason). Especially the last line. In any event, a terrific start. All the very best - and wishing you a very creative 2012!