The title and rating are both good fits. I know adding genres is boring, and can seem a little pointless, but they can help to gain greater exposure for your writing.
Your Opening
I have to say the bailiff through me. I think this is just a translational glitch though, in England, where I'm from, a bailiff is someone that bangs on your door when you owe lots of money.
I did love the initial bit of speech though, it made me chuckle and peaked my interest.
Plot Development
This story toddles along nicely at just the right pace. It's fast enough to keep things interesting but doesn't feel squashed or rushed, as some flash fiction of this length can.
Characterisation
Even in a short space you manage to put across several different characters, which has to be applauded.
Things I really liked
Your ending. Well, to say it comes crashing in like a bull in a china shop would be understating it. Didn't see it coming - very effective.
Room for Growth
I wouldn't change any of this story, it's fine just as it is.
Closing Thoughts
I'm not at all surprised you won the round, this was a very well executed piece of flash fiction with an unforeseen twist in it's tail. Well done.
I like this very original take on a love poem. I like the anger and bitterness that shines through, rather than the narrator being down and defeated.
Title/Rating/Genres
The title is great, and I love the comparison you draw with Icarus flying to close to the sun. The rating and genres work fine here, but you could add a third (perhaps emotional), to help your poem show up in more searches.
Things I really liked
I've already mentioned that I really like the Icarus analogy and this, along with the the name of the narrator's former lover, gives the poem a fantasy feel, which stops it from feeling too cliched.
Room for Growth
One thing I spotted was in your first line where you say "Your tan skin radiates", but you don't say what her skin radiates.
Closing Thoughts
Really enjoyed this poem, it made me stop and think for a minute. Hope you enjoy writing.com
This in an interesting story, giving an impression of first contact far from those commonly provided in fiction.
Title/Rating/Genres
Your genres and rating are fine but I found the title a little curious and unexplained. Is Mercurious the being that's visitng earth, the place it originated from or something else? This is never really explained in the story.
Your Opening
Your openeing reminded me of the introductions you used to get in film trailers, exciting the reader in to a bit of a frenzy to know what is coming next. At the same time, it seemed a bit ambitious, as though you were stretching from your usual style or writing and not quite settling in to a ocmfortable rhythm, it felt a little forced.
Plot Development
You move the story on at a good pace, never dwelling too long in one spot. At times you seem deliberately vague, as when describing the beings the visitor encounters on earth. To begin with I thought the first beings it encountered was man, so well done for tricking me, but some readers may find this kind of trickery irritating and frustrating. Sometimes you have to step away from the enigmatic explanations and just tell us what is going on.
Characterisation
Little characterisation happens in this story, which can make it hard for a reader to relate to what is going on.
Things I really liked
I liked the idea of the messenger coming from beyond the stars, and incomprehensible to us in most all ways. That said, if these extra-universal beings are so advanced etc, wouldn't they know that the universe was not quite ready to communicate with them yet?
Room for Growth
I think lengthening this story to allow us to get to know the messenger or the Dr better would be good.
You have a few words out of place. I think levels of existence are plains, rather than planes. Also, you refer to the planet being inhibited. Did you mean inhabited, or was this a deliberate jab at thuman race?
Try to relax in your writing and not try too hard. At times I felt like you might have come to this off the back of reading Hitchhikers Guide, as at times it feels as though you are trying to mimic its style.
A Writing.com specific pointer now. Text appears very small and squishy on this site. It's much easier for readers to follow a story here is you enter a line between paragraphs. I know it's not something that's usually advocated in writing, but you'll find it makes a world of difference on this site.
Closing Thoughts
I know I've picked holes, but I did enjoy reading this and think it shows a lot of potential. You obviously have a lot of creative vision.
This is an interesting story that highlights the tendancies children have to worry about the improbable rather than the mundane.
Title/Rating/Genres
The title works really well with the story and the rating is appropriate.
I think you'd probably get some more exposure if you assigned some genres to the story. Experience and family might be good places to start.
Your Opening
Your opening sets the story up well, immediately placing the reader where you want them, without any ambiguity.
Things I really liked
There's a truthful, bitter humour running through this piece that shows a sense of jealousy towards the simplistic outlook of children.
The child would be unlikely to understand the strangers final comments, but I think this emphasises the oblivion that children enjoy. Even when faced with these things they lack the understanding to let themselves be bothered.
Room for Growth
The boy's first piece of speech didn't seem realistic to me, mostly the second sentence he speaks. The tone of this reminded me a lot of the line delivery in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, rather than something my young nephews would say.
Closing Thoughts
This is a clever commentary on the present state of the world and what it might mean for our children. Thank you for sharing.
This is a topical review and has the split response to show it.
Things I liked
I like that you've given a good cross section of responses to choose from. It would have been really easy to just give one positive and one negative response but you've taken the time to give an array of plausible responses.
Room for Growth
It might just be me, but my ideal response was not there, which would be "I believe that online friendships and relationships are as valid as those developed offline, but online romance isn't for me."
One of the answers seems at odds with the question and the other answers, "Yes, but..." I think this would be better in the format of "I believe..." as the others are.
Closing Thoughts
As I said, an interesting, topical poll. Given the WDC community I think it's also a very good place for the poll to appear. I would have liked to know what has led to your particular interest in the topic though.
This is an interesting poem, thank you for sharing.
Things I liked
I really like the two repetative lines at the end of each stanza, this gives strong emphasis to the words in them and highlights the hurt you were feeling.
I also like that, with the exception of the first stanza, these last two lines are the only ones that ryhme, which again adds emphasis.
The lack of rhyme on the other lines almost suggests a lack of conviction or certainty, with the recurring lines feeling more certain ad as if they are written with more conviction.
Room for Growth
Personally, I'd capitalise some of your words. I think with poems you need to forego punctuation completely, or if you use some, then use all relevant puntuation. You have the full stops there, so capitalise the letters after them.
The line and stanza lengths are not uniform, with the second line of the second stanza feeling most out of place rhythmically. It might be an idea to just go over these and try and tighten them up a little.
Closing Thoughts
I enjoyed reading this poem, I hope you post some more to your portfolio soon.
I never knew Hemmingway did this, so thank you for enlightening me. I think it's very brave to do something like this.
Things I liked
I love how much you've managed to say in six words, and also the questions you have raised. Why would a spinster have a wedding dress? Was she left standing at the aisle, or was she the one that backed out?
Room for Growth
I'm not sure that the word "today" adds much to the story, but am having trouble thinking of another word that could add more weight.
Closing Thoughts
Brilliant idea for a writing exercise, especially for anyone in a writing group. Perhaps you could base a contest on this format?
This is a very dark piece that expresses a lot or raw emotion.
Things I liked
Your poem is brutal and honest, expressing so much unspoken hurt and frustration.
You use a strong rhyme structure which emphasises your words.
Though I usually prefer poems to have more punctuation and separate verses, the fact that this is in one streming verse helps to emphasise the relentlessness of the feelings being described.
Room for Growth
The rhythm is a little inconsistant at times. Some of your lines could do with an extra beat or two, whilst others could use an extra one. Try reading it aloud, that will help to find the ones that are a little lumpy.
Closing Thoughts
Thank you for sharing this poem. It's always brave to write something as raw as this, I hope you post more poems here.
Firsty, congratulations on finding your own little space on this planet. So many people go through life trying to find their home but many never do.
Your poem has a strong sense of rythym and rhyme without effecting the flow of the words or the meaning of them.
Your repetition of the word home at the end of every verse reinforces the idea that you are not just talking about a house or the place you live, you're talking about the place that you belong.
I only hope that one day I can be as lucky as you and find the place that I belong.
This is an interesting idea for a children's movie. Children do seem to love stories which feature different animals befriending each other, especially when those animals would normally be sworn enemies.
Plot
You outline the plot really well, incorporating the backgrounds of the different animals and their reasons for being in their group.
Things I liked
I really liked the idea of the joke pact, this struck me as something that could be very entertaining in a children's film.
Room for Growth
My one criticism of this outline is that it is very similar to the film Ice Age, which was very popular a few years ago.
Whitey had strong echoes of Diego, the sabretooth tiger trying to gain stature in a pack that he didn't fit in with. His being stuck in the middle of the two groups also echoed Ice Age, where the sabretooth tigers spot a lone mammoth that they wish to bring down, and Diego had to decide where his loyalties lie.
The character of Verge was also very similar in character and background to the character of Sid the Sloth in Ice Age.
Closing Thoughts
Whilst this is a story that I'm sure children would enjoy watching it just seemed too close to Ice Age for comfort, in my opinion.
This is a stunningly funny poem that was a joy to read.
Things I liked
As ever, you've applied a wry humour to a subject that troubles many people, and created a wonderfully witty poem.
The conversation between the cupcake and the cherry is very easy to follow, especially with the coloured text that you have added. This then flows well in to the black text of the narrator.
The lesson at the end is very well constructed and a truly original idea.
Room for Growth
No, I don't think I'd change anything here.
Closing Thoughts
Thank you for sharing another of your wonderful poems, this one really gave me a chuckle and I'll never look at a cupcake, cherry or bald man in the same way again.
This is quite an affecting story as it's something really easy to relate to. I can't think of anyone I know that hasn't lost a friendship to distance and no matter how many times it happens it's always sad.
Your Opening
Your first paragraph clearly shows the cheeky relationship between young boys, the hidden smiles and secret looks that pass between them, seemingly undetected by others.
Themes
The loss of a friendship is something that affects everyone and you handle it really well here. You show the love between the two boys and the sadness they feel at the inevitable loss of their friendship.
Characterisation
The boys come across as a fairly typical pair, which makes them easy to relate to. You show their bravado, common to all young men, but also show the truth beneath it.
Things I liked
I think the way you displayed the friendship was very realistic. There's the way the boys act on the surface, but there's also the depth of their friendship which allows them to show how they're really feeling. You didn't overplay any of it and none of their interactions felt false.
Jake's mum came across really well too. She wanted to enforce their earlier agreement but also had the compassion to recognise why spending the night with his friend was so important to Jake. Her willingness to compromise is something not seen in all parents, but a credit to them when it is.
You keep a level of realism when going through the politics of everything, having Gabriel phone his mum for permission, then having her speak to Jake's mum to make sure it really is alright for him to stay. It must have been so tempting to not include this exchange but I think it worked really well here. I can remember many similar situations in my childhood so this helped me to relate to the piece. Didn't have a cell phone when I was young though!
Room for Growth
There isn't an awful lot I'd change here. One suggestion I'd make would be to add a little more narrative between the runs of speech. A couple of times I had to read over a few lines just to make sure I knew who was saying what.
Closing Thoughts
You make a lot of very accurate observations about parenting, childhood and friendship in this story. It's something most people can relate to and you've portrayed everything very realistically.
a lovely tale (tail?) in which you aptly capture the big personalities of such little dogs.
Your Opening
Your opening was original and witty, making me want to read on to find out exactly who superdog was.
Charecterisation
You charecterise Yoda well, his cheeky habits and the way he rules over Holly.
Things I liked
This is a very humourous piece which is reallt lifted by the double descriptions of things depended on whether you view them from human or Yoda eyes.
The picture which accompany your words are also very funny, adding a visual aid here really helped to bring Yoda's personality to the tale.
Room for Growth
The only thing I felt cheated on here was that poor holly was only ever described in subservance to Yoda. That said, I'm sure she has her own entry on WDC and I just haven't stumbled across it yet.
Closing Thoughts
You're obviously very proud of your familly (both two leggers and four leggers) and it's great that you're sharing them here with us on WDC.
This is a sad and all too often realistic view of the self destructive nature of some people.
Themes
Drowning is a good way of describing someone that is destructing and refusing help. Often the thrashing of just staying afloat can be misinterpreted as pushing away the help offered to you.
Structure
The loose structure and lack of rhyme works well here, making the poem feel more like a train of thought.
Things I liked
This is obviously a very personal poem which you're brave to share, but perhaps reading this may help someone else, so well done.
Your metaphores are wonderful, listing the many ways that you have tried to help as though it relly were someone who was drowning was very clever.
Room for Growth
The only choice I disagreed with was your inclusion of the three periods on your penultimate line. I didn't think they were needed.
Closing Thoughts
Well done for writing and sharing this piece. It's a sad fact that the more you try and help someone the more they grow to resent and reject the help. Sometimes people have to help themselves and there is nothing you can do for them except wait.
Thank you for sharing this very personal experience. After suffering terrible pain in my wrists and losing the ability to keep a grip on things I was tested for this condition as well. Thankfully I wasn't a sufferer of this condition, but had severe repetative strain injury in both wrists from my weekend job on a show jumping yard. Even though I didn't go through the physivcal and mental suffering that you obviously have, the experience did teach me not to take the everyday functioning of your body granted.
Themes
You cover a lot of themes in this piece and the way they can all be effected by one experience.
Things I liked
I'm so glad that you've come out of this experience a stronger person and that you're willing to share your journey with others. Perhaps if just one person suffering in a similar way reads this they might gain an outlook laced with positivity and hope at a time when it is easy to fall in to despair.
Starting and finishing your tale with similar lines gives it a cyclic feel and ties it up nicely at the end. Similarly, at the beginning it gives a striking statement to draw the reader's attention.
Room for Growth
You list this piece as an essay, but the form it takes it is very different to this. Essays are charecterised by full paragraphs that flow naturally in to one another, where here are clearly defined sections with their own headings. Headings are the last thing that should be seen in an essay. Perhaps recategorising it would be the way around this. I wouldn't like to suggest re-structuring the piece though because it's currently short and punchy, giving the reader enough information to cause them to stop and think about their own approach to life without giving them all of the answers.
Closing Thoughts
Thank you again for sharing your experience, I hope that anyone on the site in a similar situation manages to stumble across your port as reading something like this may be a real help to them.
Intimacy and love are brimming in this poem. It's funny that the simplest and smallest of actions can convey so much more than the biggest gestures and you show this so well here.
Structure
I'm not really familiar with the form you've used so can't really comment on how well you've upheld it's stipulations.
Things I liked
I actually love everything about this poem. It's so delicate and simple and in being so is very effective. You haven't tried to over play the emotions because you didn't need to. Sometimes it is a real strength to recognise this.
Room for Growth
As I've said above, I'm not that familiar with the form you've used here. This may draw a gasp from the WDC community but as someone that doesn't regularly write poetry some of these things slip past me. In a coupl of you other pieces you've posted a small description of the form at the bottom and I would have liked to see one here too.
Alternatively, and to prevent the posting of information some readers may well know, it might be an idea to have a static item detailing the rules of the forms you've used and post a link to this on your poems.
Closing Thoughts
i really enjoyed reading this poem. You avoided the temptation to over embellish the emotions you're describing which is a real credit to you.
This is an interesting story. In one way it is a self contained glance in to someone's life and their feelings. On the other hand it is easy to imagine this being the beginning of a larger story.
Your Opening
Your first sentence is very striking. Once you've moved out of the education system you forget that each year used to begin in September. I think this was a very clever observation.
Themes
The themes of friendship are strong in this short piece. I don't think there are many friends, related or otherwise, that have not felt that sharp sting of when their friends grow away from them.
Charecterisation
We learn a fair amount about Naomi in this short piece and get a glance of how she has developed a lonliness on coming back to the last place that she expected to feel lonely. You manage to show both the sad and the optimistic sides of her personality, giving her character a sense of balance.
Things I liked
I like the story from her childhood and the way you handle this. In many stories this is always given a spin towards the more macabre but you turn it in to a thing of wonder here.
Though the piece is largely reflective there is a strong vein of humour running through it with both the museum tale and that of the table leg. This helps to keep the piece light and prevents it from becoming too introspect.
Room for Growth
Most of the suggestions I have are aimed at tidying the grammatical side of things, but none were so that they changed the meaning of the piece.
In your third sentece there should be a comma between full and beaming. This sentence is also quite long and might benefit from being cut down in to two sentences.
You use the saying "thought, reflected and reminisced". These are all very similar words and where you don't elaborate at all they sound odd next to each other. If you were to add more detail here it would work better. Perhaps, she thought about how she was feeling, reflected on the year that had passed and reminisced about her long passed childhood. It might even be an idea, rather than reminiscing, to have her look forward in some way.
I found the description of her sister being "slightly elder" to be a little strange and felt this work better simply as "elder".
Similarly, I felt the description of her movement around the painting to be a little forced. Changing it to something like "angle she stood at or direction she moved."
"Best course of action" seems like a very formal description to add to two young girls in the situation they are in. Maybe they simply "decided to conduct an experiment."
When you introduce Jason in the second sentence of your third paragraph there should be a comma either side of his name as the sentece makes perfect sence without his name being there. Also in this paragraph you have whisper and giggle, I think this would work well as whispered and giggled.
You say Naomi noticed the book beneath the table leg, which would suggest she just randomly spotted it. Surely she would have been looking for it the second she was in the door.
Closing Thoughts
Although I think this could do with a little tidying I really like the sentiment of this piece and the tale you tell. Have you thought of expanding Naomi's tale?
The title of this folder is very apt. Creative but fitting. So many people try too hard when naming their folders so you have no idea what they might contain, but you avoid this trap.
The Pieces Within
I was sad that there was only one item within. That said the one that is within clearly belongs and is well placed. I'm sure it would love some company though.
Things I liked
The title and description of you piece are short but give the reader all they need to know about what is within. You've resisted the urge to over do the folder body with excessive ML and unrelated images.
Room for Growth
The only thing I'd suggest would be for you to add some more of your views to this folder. I know I'd certainly enjoy reading more of your thoughts.
Closing Thoughts
Please don't forget this folder, it looks like it's been left in the corner on its own.
This is an eloquently written peice which expresses your opinions clearly without becoming a rant.
Your Opening
You lead the reader in to the tale well.
Things I liked
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this matter. I'm sure so many people must share your feelings but never express them as clearly.
You right very descriptively for an essay but it really adds to the emotional subject matter.
You effectively capture the hypocritical public mourning of a soul many of them never knew.
Room for Growth
The only thing I picked up on was a difference of tense in your sixth paragraph. Instead of "will rest" I think "would rest" would be more correct.
Whilst I appreciate your view here in that it is better to remember the dead as they were alive, there is one aspect of these road side shrines you've overlooked in this piece. If they serve to encourage one child to look before running in to the road, or one driver to go a little slower, they might prevent another such tragedy.
Closing Thoughts
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this matter. I think it's important to stop and think about these things in life and also to stop and think how they make others feel.
You've done a really good job of using both lists of words in a short verse.
Structure
The structure is simple and rhyme free, but effective for being so.
Things I liked
I liked the thought of direction and purpose being just an illusion and I think there's possibly a lot of truth in it. People can be so driven by the destination hat they don't pay attention to the journey, which is really where all of the interesting things in life happen.
I love that you've linked to the challenge in the body of your piece. It helps readers to understand what you're attempting and also gains exposure for the challenge. It's something I wish users here would do more.
Room for Growth
It's very hard to suggest any changes I'd make to this, you've made really good use of the words and knitted them together in to a coherrant and affecting verse.
Closing Thoughts
Well done for what you've done here and thank you for linking to the challenge. I may well participate when I've got time.
This is another of your darker poems and the imagery is very strong.
Themes
Washing away the poisons in life and starting again is a lovely theme which allows you to cloak the real subject matter behind something else entirely.
Structure
The couplets work well and the fact that they don't rhyme doesn't detract from your words at all.
Things I liked
The visual and sensory imagery here is very strong and it was easy to both see and feel the picture behind the words.
I like the cloaked nature of the poem. On the front of it talking about one thing, but with the sugestion that you are talking of another. This is very clever.
Room for Growth
I don't think I'd change anything here.
Closing Thoughts
Another wonderful poem. I thank you for sharing your words here on WDC.
In a way this reminded me of the tales of how the rhino got his wrinly skin and the elephant his long nose.
Structure
On the most part the structure is strong and regular with good rhymes. I'm not sure why but this seems to emphasise the humour of the poem.
Things I liked
Obviously the ending was something that sticks in my mind. As you journey through the poem you wonder what sort of creature Zippy is and when it all transpires at the end it's very funny.
Room for Growth
I'm guessing you're from America and might not have ever heard of the children's programme Rainbow? It was very big in England when I was younger and one of the characters was named Zippy. Unfortunately I found it very hard not to think of hims I was reading this, possibly because it was never clear what kind of creature he was and why that creature was coloured mustard yellow.
Apart from that the only thing that I wondered about was the first line of the fourth stanza. I'm used to hearing this saying as "If it's all the same..." So I found this expression of the saying didn't sound right in my mind.
Closing Thoughts
Another clever, witty poem with an unexpected end. Well done.
This is a visually pleasing poem on a visually pleasing subject.
Themes
The theme of spring and life is one that always works well in poetry. The language that can be used when describing new life is fresh and uplifting.
Structure
The couplets work well, growing forth in short bursts like the dafodils themselves.
Things I liked
Usually I'm not that keen when people add images to their poems but I think this worked well here, helping to reaffirm the image in the reader's mind.
I liked the repetition of slumber (so much more poetic than sleep)!
Room for Growth
I think the only thing I wasn't sure on was the rhyme structure, it was almost as if you hadn't decided whether to have the couplets rhyme or not an the outcome was something in the middle of rhyming and not rhyming. I think this is a very personal thing though.
Closing Thoughts
Another great poem, the words of which emphasised by the picture. Keep up the good work.
This is a lot darker than the other things I've read in your port and shows the diversity of your writing.
Themes
The theme of secrets is one that anyone can relate to, but when they are kept by someone that others look up to and envy it is more hard hitting.
Structure
Your lines are short and to the point, sharp almost, but this really lends them to the subject matter.
The rhyme pattern is soft but regular, helping to emphasise your words but not so much so that they alter the meaning of them.
Things I liked
I loved the unexpected nature and ending of this piece. When I read the title and description I automatically jumped to the conclusion that it would have something to do with cheating, on boyfriend/friend/exams, but this was much darker and grittier.
The style is different too. In one way it is regular and rhythmic but in another way it is sharp and jagged.
Room for Growth
I don't think I'd change anything here.
Closing Thoughts
This was a very refreshing poem. The subject matter and the way you expressed it was unusual and a joy to read. In a strange dark way!
This is an honest and brutal glimpse of nature. Often in poetry people tend to focus on all of the "pretty" aspects, so this was refreshing.
Themes
Death is an obvious theme here, from the literal death of the prey to the metaphorical death of summer in the bronzing of the leaves.
Structure
The structure is regular and well balanced. The omittance of rhyming was actually quite good as it would have been too regular and clean cut for the subject matter.
Things I liked
I like the way each stanza shrunk to the one word of the final line, emphasising the focused attitude of the hawk.
Though the subject matter is brutal you've handled it well so it doesn't feel gory or unnecessary.
Room for Growth
In all I really liked this poem though I found the second stanza a little problematic. I thought the second line of this would read better as "precise downward". I also think "focus" would read better as focused.
Closing Thoughts
This is a very good expression of a hawk hunting. You've found a good balance between the beauty of nature and it's harsh brutality.
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