I'm not sure I fully understand everything that you are saying here but that is definitely me, not you!
You have written well to the confines of the form and for your first attempt you have competantly managed to encapsulate the its compact nature and say alot with few words.
I found the notion of anger being robust quite unique. Usually anger is narrow in its viewpoint and method but I can see how it could develop in to something more changeable.
I hope you enjoyed writing it as much as I enjoyed reading it.
This is a very interesting commentary on culture and the passing thereof.
You have taken an outing that many people have taken, and found a deeper meaning that many would not have found.
Whilst the piece as a whole is well structured there are a few typos/spelling errors that detract slightly from the overall effect. Some of your sentences are overly long and complicated which results in their length detracting from the point being made.
What did your children think of the second museum? Did they appreciate the things that you have shared here or are they still too young to grasp the enormity of it all?
With a bit of poloshing this could be greatly insightly and inspiring piece. Keep up the good work.
This is a straight forward, easy to follow guide to the larger entity of your port.
The contents of the folder are laid out clearly so the reader can find exactly what it is that they would enjoy within your port.
As this contains the main body of your port it might be an idea to place this folder towards the top of your main port list so that it is the first thing everyone sees.
Where you write a little about what is in the folder consider adding a piccy, livening it up with some ML tags or highlighting one or two of your favourite items which you think people would enjoy. This can really help to make your port stand out from others.
Funny, a very candid look at poetry as viewed by students. Don't be too angry with them though, when I was at school I often hated the poems we were forced the study and looking back now I know it was only because they were the wrong poems for me at the time. I was not ready for them.
Good to you for standing your ground. I'm sure everyone on here will agree that when a character comes to you then you have to tell their story. Even if you don't like them and you don't want to, you have to let them out.
Your written account of the incident develops well and your characterisation is good.
I'd suggest another proof read because there is the odd typo (and instead of an - that type of thing), but there wasn't anything that detracted from the flow of the piece.
. . . When I was at school my English teacher told me that I was probably scitzophrenic as the style of my handwriting changes drastically every few minutes
Keep up the good work and shun the non-believers. (e:wink)
This piece is a testament to your strength, that you are able to write so frankly about your experiences is encouraging for others who are or have been in a similar situation.
You may alienate some people that would otherwise draw strength from this piece with you strong references to religion, not that they are wrong in any way. You attribute your survival to your God but truly it is your own strength and determination that have led you through the hard times, don't take that away from yourself.
Keep writing and keep sharing your writing. It is a gift that can give as much to others as it can to you.
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Though I lack your decent I found it very hard not to enjoy your stoy.
You effectively capture the spiritual nature of such tales and convey a strong moral without the feeling that you are preaching.
When Father Sky and Mother Earth react to Wind Dancer's death I thought it the piece would be stronger if you emphasised that thie was grief as some younger children may have taken it to be anger and not understood that they were just sad.
Wow, I really enjoyed this. So many good stories are wasted because they're written for chlidren which makes grown ups think they must be childish for reading them.
I like the way you incorporated some of the accent in to your writing which is something I'm sure your daughter must have greatly enjoyed.
Try not to put a space between speech marks and the speech they enclose. Occasionally a speech mark gets lost on one line away from the speech and you have to look twice to check that someone is speaking.
You followed the technical confines of the form well without appearing forced.
You capture the feelings of desolation and loneliness well.
Personally I did not like "lone trees" because of the lone qualifying something that is pluralised. It does work though so I think it might just be me!
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am just going through and doing reviews and will be announcing the results later today.
I loved the unsual perspective that you re-told this with, I thought that was very clever.
Whilst the story itself was well stuctured that were certain things that I felt required more explanation as currently they are like little plot hole. You talk about the sister virtually raising the little boy herself, yet she would only have been 4 when he was born. What accident caused teh little boy to die? Was it due to any fault or negligence on the part of the sister? Why had the older sister made herself a ball gown? It seems unlikely that she would ever have need for one.
If you could polish these bits up a bit I think you would have a very strong story here.
I found the underlying sentiment of this prologue interesting though I found it very heavy to read. At times there seemed to be over zealous description of things that were not vital to the story whilst certain matters of consequence were skimmed over without suitable explanation.
Plot & Catch
I found the first sentence of this piece quite flat. I know there is a lot more to a story than the first line but it can be very important in catching the attention of a picky or lazy reader.
Whilst your first sentence does create a picturesque scene it seems that not only is the garden unimportant to the plot but also a little uneventful. I also felt that "seperated" should be "seperating" here.
Another issue I had was with the flow of the first sentence in to the second. One minute we are passing over the gardens and the next bang we're suddenly.
It may create more impact if you were to jumpt straight in at the point that Vivele cuts Radi's arm, and then back track a little to offer some explanation of the scene.
I found the location of the scene a little unbelievable. What Vivele is attempting seems to be something that she would not like to have interupted which makes it seem a little odd that she would perform her act in a library. Is there not somewhere more private she could be doing this, somewhere more hidden away, somwhere with a lock on the door that would slow Veloren down should she try and interupt?
Characterisation
This is difficult to comment on in some ways as this is a very short piece which concentrates more on the events than the characters. Though I got the impression that despite this these characters were very important to the overall plot of your book.
Radi's character could be hard to build on here as she is so young but you could offer more of a description of her. By changing her reactions to events slightly you could set her apart from the average 4 year old. Instead of crying when her arm is cut she could meet the pain stoicly and hold her tears.
I found Vivele very hard to picture mainly because I did not know her age, the same can be said for Veloren.
Vivele seemed the most developed of the three with several of her character traits shining through her action and dialogue.
I felt Veloren to be a little bit of a pantomine figure. The way she burst in to the room with such viscious (seemingly self awarded) authority echoed the entrance of the witch in sleeping beauty and made her less real than the other two characters.
I'm a a die hard fantasy genre fan but at the same time I despise the cliches that go hand in hand with the genre. It seems to attract them in numbers that other genres don't.
One of the big pitfalls of the genre is complicated name systems which ties in with the issue of characterisation. You talk about the Ve Estate and the character Vivele seems determined to remove the prefix "Ve" from her younger sisters name whilst her elder sister retains it. Is "Ve" some kind of family name or does it pertain to their alignment in some way?
Presumably if it were given to all three girls the character Vivele would have previously been known as Vevivele, ,or did she alter her prefix from "Ve" to Vi"? This, along with the fact that Radi's full name is Veradian would benefit from further explanation. Especially as when you read the first sentence of the fourth paragraph you have to re-read it several times before you can grasp any semblance of meaning.
Grammar
I'll try not to say too much here as I'm not an editor!
You need to go through the piece and remove some of the commas as they often appear when they are not necessary. In some cases they even break the meaning of sentences. A good example of this is "At the end of the hall, one door was slightly ajar." This is one clause that does not need a comma at all.
Another sentence that was very hard to follow was the previously mentioned first sentence of the fourth paragrpah. "Veradian, called Radi, my sister, identity be forsaken." The commas, mixed with a run of 4 fragments along with the fact that this is the first mention of Radi's actual name being Veradian make this a terribly hard sentence to follow.
This was the first piece of speech in the piece and as there is not yet any explanation of what is going on I felt very lost when I read it.
Closing thoughts
As a prologue I think this piece needs tightening. I agree that it is important to build intrigue and a sense of mystery to keep the reader guessing but it is also important to give them enough information to make them feel confident in what is happening.
Try to stay away from some of the cliches of the genre (the complicated naming, idyllic "fantasy" settings etc). Some of the most impacting stories of any genre are those that step away from the recognised conventions and twist the genre to their own needs, rather than the other way around.
You work really well to the confines of the form here. Can't spot any mistakes there.
You take what would typically be portrayed in a positive light and twist it to your own means. This is always good to do as it avoids awful cliches and stresses the originality of your piece.
As well as the repeated "sss" sound that was dictated by the contest you've also accentuated the "uh" sound. Personally I didn't like this BUT I'm sure many people would. It's a personal preference thing I guess.
Wow. I wouldn't know where to start with a contest piece like this and you've done so well.
You've managed to get a good flow going throughout the piece which, on the whole, is mainained throughout.
With a very few exceptions the poem had a clear thread throughout and there was little cause to re-read any lines because the meaning was unclear.
There was one part of the poem that I didn't like so much:
"Quirky and fun, but
Rather—not perfect you are.
Selfish and
Temperamental are you."
Because of the repeated yet reversed you are/are you it did make me think a little of Yoda which was slightly disturbing given the subject matter!
Forgive the frown because I know from looking through many other ports that I'm quirky in this view but when people post contest entries in their ports I always feel there should be a link to the contest at the bottom of the piece. Not only does it let the readers know exactly what you were aiming for but it can also help to further expose the contests to a wider audience.
I'm sorry, I found this piece very hard to follow.
It's littered with spelling mistakes, which could easily be picked up by a quick spell check, but there are also a lot of grammatical issues. Some of the sentences are incomplete and lose their meaning whilst others seem to use the wrong words in places.
It also felt very rushed. You don't stop to explain terms that some people may not be totally familiar with, such as colonialism. At other times it was unclear whether you were referring to a place or a movement (kargil). This left me feeling a little left behind.
You've listed lots of names of people who obviously mean something to you and to your essay, but with next to no explanation of who they are and what they did it means very little to the reader.
I think, with a lot of work, you could turn this in to a very informative and interesting essay that would be a joy to read but at the moment you have a way to go with it.
*thumbbsup*A feeling I'm sure many here can relate to.
The pace of the piece was well pitched. At no point did I feel left behind or feel the need to skip a few sentences to get nearer to the end.
You could add a few little details to enliven the piece. Where do you/were you working? What should you have been doing when you were instead throwing bits of rubber?
The formatting of the piece doesn't seem to have transferred very well. Sometimes it is unclear whether you are still in the same paragraph or not as the spacing is slightly odd and on other occasion there seems to be a gap in front of full stops etc.
"The Words" was a phrase that was repeated many times in a short space and it began to drill my head a little. In the last paragraph there are at least two sentences that begin with these words. With the second one, at least, you could change it to "They" instead of "The Words."
A decent first offering for the WDC community. I hope you enjoy your stay.
As a piece of pursuasive writing I found this a little unsuccesful as I found myself being more sypathetic to Satan. Please don't consider me a hell-bound heathen for that comment alone though.
As an argument I just found it particularly one sided. Satan's points were put across quite eloquently whilst Michaels words struck me as being child like in a way. His come back, to me, felt as if he was saying yes, you have free will, but you have to exercise it as god says, or else. This was emphasised by the last sentence of the piece which all but stated this view point.
The piece could do with another proof read. There are a few sentences, especially near the beginning, that have words missing and it upsets the flow slightly.
On a more technical, persnickity point, a script or play such as this would usually follow the format of:
Satan: wordswordswords
Michael: wordswordswords.
This just helps to make the piece more visually clear. Stage directions would normally then be bracketed, in italics or both.
This is a wonderful poem that eloquently explores the frustration felt when exploring the generation gap.
You say that this was written to vent, and given that fact it is suprisingly well formed and has good structure.
On looking back at the poem it was easy to see that whilst the poem had good rhythm and rhyme it did not follow a strict form. Usually this would cause some problems but in this case it works well and you've manipulated the piece to your design.
The line "But we’re just too afraid to tear down our walls and abandon our own little herd" is well expressed but does seem a little long in comparison to the other lines. It may be an idea to try chopping it down a little.
Aside from the many grammatical mistakes of this piece, (many sentences to not make sense due to additional or missing words),I also disagree with a lot of the points that you make.
Love, being a feeling, is not something that can or should be qualified and I always find it a little worrying when people feel the need to do so.
A major point that I disagreed with was when you stated that infatuation can often involve more than one person. In my experience this is untrue. Often infatuation does take the form of centering on one person (I) whereas when feelings develop in to love you find that you center more on the other person. You worry more about their well being and feelings and place yours second to theirs.
When I was reading the paragraph about love and intimacy I found myself thinking that this sounded very much like the kind of Christian pamphlet that would be distributed at religious camps. I was therefore totally unsuprised to see the quote from Corinthians at the bottom of the piece. It is important to remember that religion does not always play a part in love, even for the totally devout.
I think it would be a good idea to reword the heading "Love brings the approval of family and friends." It may bring the desire for your loved one to meet and like your friends and relatives, and vice versa, but it does not mean they will. It is very common for relatives or friends to disapprove of your partner even when you are totally in love and 100% devoted to each other.
I think you have to be very careful when making statements about feelings as these are not things that should be thought of as absolutes. Love can take many forms depending on the people involved and their personal views and beliefs. It is important to remember this and explore the many different and wonderful ways in which these feelings can be experienced.
I love that you've posted this introduction to yourself and your arrival here. It would be wonderful if everyone were to do the same and we could have links to them all on one page, that would rule.
Please don't be intimidated by the site. With very few exceptions everyone here is really helpful and you'll find that if you ask someone a question they'll normally be more than happy to help.
The best I can give is just to click different links and see where you end up (best way to learn and remember I find). If you end up somewhere you didn't want to go the back button is always there.
Another comment I would make on your first piece is just to glance through and check for typos. It's so easy to let one hand type fater than the other and scramble things up for you and your readers. Naughty hands.
An amusing yet all too true sentiment flows through this poem. I must say, writing poetry is an awfully constructive way of dealing with the cravings.
I enjoyed the subtle rhymes which helped to emphasise the structure of the poem without making it hard.
Should "To put health a top priority" be "To make health a top priority"?
I would have liked a little more details about how this is effecting you, the way it makes you feel etc. Addictions and cravings differ so much between people and I felt you could have put your persoanl stamp on the issue a little more than you have.
This poem has a good rhythmic, ryhming structure but at times it felt as though the meaning suffered a little to achieve this.
eg.
"Your eyes are like water
You can see me through."
Unfortunately a lot of the phrases you incorporate in the piece ("fire in my heart", "eyes are like water", "heart burned" etc) are a little cliche. Try experimenting with different ways of expressing yourself by creating metaphors that are not so obvious.
This is a very clever piece of poetry that again shows your understanding of life and the interpretations that people apply to it.
There is a vein of with that flows through the piece, as well as through your other pieces. I can see you like to challenge and play with the ideas that society feeds us as truth.
As with another of your peoms this one shows some inconsistency with capitalisation but I'm sure it's only those of us that are specifically retentive that worry about such things.
The meaning of the first two lines was a little lost on me. I was a bit confused as to the chat that you were referring to. Probably just me though.
The pace was good, not too fast as can be the way with flash fiction.
You conveyed Jake's confusion well in the way you changed aspects of his surroundings.
You really captured te illusive nature of dreams; where things never appear as they should.
Your ending (all a dream) was a little cliche though I respect that you did try to put a different spin on this.
I think this would work very well as a longer piece which would allow you to expand on the character's confusion and tease the reader some more with the changing details of surroundings and character.
I found that this read more like a blurb than a chapter intro, although both serve a similar purpose.
On the whole the style was succint and clear although I did not feel that the sentence containing the "kinsman" sat well with the others. It felt slightly less formal and less focused; almost as if you were trying to say too much all in one mouthful.
Would be interested in reading the chapter in question though.
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You have written well to the confines of the form and for your first attempt you have competantly managed to encapsulate the its compact nature and say alot with few words. 
I found the notion of anger being robust quite unique. Usually anger is narrow in its viewpoint and method but I can see how it could develop in to something more changeable. 
What did your children think of the second museum? Did they appreciate the things that you have shared here or are they still too young to grasp the enormity of it all?
As this contains the main body of your port it might be an idea to place this folder towards the top of your main port list so that it is the first thing everyone sees.
Forgive the frown because I know from looking through many other ports that I'm quirky in this view but when people post contest entries in their ports I always feel there should be a link to the contest at the bottom of the piece. Not only does it let the readers know exactly what you were aiming for but it can also help to further expose the contests to a wider audience.
I'm sorry, I found this piece very hard to follow.
"The Words" was a phrase that was repeated many times in a short space and it began to drill my head a little. In the last paragraph there are at least two sentences that begin with these words. With the second one, at least, you could change it to "They" instead of "The Words."