WHAT I LIKED
I really enjoyed the emotions of this poem. I found them to be quite realistic. In my younger years I too have experienced a little obsession in relationships and have taken way too log to get over them.
WHAT I DISLIKED
Overall, I enjoyed your poem. There wasn’t much I disliked.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
-Take it, over leave it. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer. I am looking forward to reading more of your items.
I would love it if you would stop by my portfolio and read my children's picture book, Animal Crackers. I would love to know what you think. I am getting ready to send query letters to publishers.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!!
Sincerely,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
May ideas fill your head and words fill your pages.
BEGINNING
I felt the beginning of the poem started off well and piqued my interest.
You wrote…”Death was at the door,
blood seeping across the floor”
GREAT hook!
CHARACTERS
I really sympathized with the woman in the story. Good job!
PLOT
I thought it was an emotional plot. Much sadness. It was well written.
WHAT I LIKED
I really enjoyed the emotions of the woman. I found them to be quite realistic. I also found the “darkness” of the poem interesting.
WHAT I DISLIKE
Overall, I enjoyed your poem. There is nothing I didn’t like about it.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
-Take it, over leave it. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer. I am looking forward to reading more of your items.
I would love it if you would stop by my portfolio and read my children's picture book, Animal Crackers. I would love to know what you think. I am getting ready to send query letters to publishers.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!
Sincerely,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
May ideas fill your head and words fill your pages.
STORY LINE/PLOT
I can totally envision this story as a children's picture book. I think the illustrations would be cute.
WHAT I LIKED
I really liked the repetitive sentences. That is commonly used in picture books. I believe it helps children to memorize the words first, which then helps them to read. I, too, do the repetitive thing in my children's story, Animal Crackers.
WHAT I DISLIKED
I felt a little empty at the end. The ending paragraph just didn't fulfill my needs. The ending didn't feel like "the end". Just my opinion. I'm not claiming to be an expert.
COMMENTS
Are you planning on trying to get this published? Also are you going to be the person to illustrate it?
I would love it if you would stop by my portfolio and read my children's picture book, Animal Crackers. I would love to know what you think. I am getting ready to send query letters to publishers.
BEGINNING
The story hooked me from the beginning. The nightmare and “the Monster” gave the story a sense of intrigue.
CHARACTER
The Monster’s description was well written. I could clearly envision an evil man.
PLOT
The plot flowed along very well. Nice pacing (see
WHAT I DISLIKED regarding the pacing at the end). I don’t know what parts of the story are true and which are not, due to the fact that it’s based on real experiences. Because of this I can’t really comment on the imaginative aspect of your story.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the fact that the story left me guessing. For some readers this may be a problem. For me, I enjoyed not knowing exactly why The Monster was a monster. You never actually state what The Monster did to go to prison. I think that makes the story more mysterious and leaves people with a sense of wonder. I also think more people will be able to relate to your story without knowing the specific details of The Monster’s actions. I also really liked the “Doris Locken” reference. I don’t know if that is actually a code at your school for an intruder or if you thought of that yourself, but it is a great play on words regardless.
WHAT I DISLIKED
There wasn’t much that I disliked, except for the following:
I felt like the pacing of the story at the end was a little fast compared to the rest of the story. Evert Green broke out of prison and went to find Lexi at the school the very same day. He immediately found her in the band room. I thought that part of the story went a little too quickly.
SUGGESTIONS
I’m not even sure you’re looking for suggestions. If so, my only suggestion would be to slow the ending down just a bit. Maybe it should take Evert Green more time to find Lexi (some more description/action at that part of the story). I felt like it came to a climax then ended too quickly.
COMMENTS
I was surprised to read that you were a teenager. I suggest that you continue writing and you write more. Your writing skills are beyond your years. I would have thought an adult wrote this story. You stated you didn’t write a lot in your Bio. After reading this story I think you should bless the world with more of your writing. You are a good writer!
EXTRA THOUGHTS
You stated you were from a small town and wished you were in a big city. I live in Las Vegas. I promise it’s not all that it is cracked up to be. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Being from a big city, I wish I lived in a small town.
P/S Thank you for reviewing my story Animal Crackers.
Best Wishes,
-Fancy-
Kimberly Baumann
fancy@writing.com
May ideas fill your head and words fill your pages.
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WHAT I LIKED
WHAT I DISLIKED
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
BEGINNING
CHARACTERS
PLOT