Quite generic characters but still they work well and you've gone into great depth. They still can be expanded upon however, here's some ideas you may want to use;
1. Hot seating- We did this to help really get into our characters and it had some interesting results. Try and get into the frame of mind of you character and have someone question you on anything, answer as if you were them. It will help flesh out your characters story and by communicating with someone it will give them a more rounded, realistic personality.
2. Stream of consciousness- Similar to the above but doesn't need someone helping you. Get into the frame of mind of your character and just but your pen to paper and write. Don't worry about spelling or punctuation just let it go, write whatever comes to mind whilst you're thinking as them. This will especially help flesh out the psyche of your characters and add to more than just their background.
3. Mannerisms- Watch people lol, Explore how people behave and their unique mannerisms and then try offering up one or two of them to your characters. It will make them appear more real and add to their character.
These are just things you might like to try to help flesh out your characters a bit but nice start!
I quite like this piece. The short lines keep a steadier, more battle like rhythm especially with the single syllable words such as in the line, "One gone, one more". The thunder building is done very well I think with the, "Hudred to go; thunder." Very minimalistic, just the idea of numbers and thunder itself. Allows the readers imagination to fill in the gaps. I liked this.
I also really liked the repeated ringing of the chime with different words, "believe, believe" and "hope, hope". It worked nicely.
I would like to point out though that it's lighning not lightening. Just me being picky but spelling is important. If a publisher sees a mistake like that it would stop him from reading any more of the collection. I'm also not sure on your use of onomatopoeia at the end. It detracts more from the piece than it adds in my opinion. Maybe you could use something different there other than the "Boom, bang"?
I really liked this piece, I know a girl this poem really reminds me of and this shows it really well. I enjoyed the repetition of poor little girl, it gave the piece a feel of almost wasted innocence. I feel the use of rhyme helped with this feeling as well, almost seeming to be child like at points, something I found interesting.
The only thing I wasn't sure was this line, "poor little girl grow up so strong
she won't back down, even if she's wrong"
This was just because of the change of tense in the first line, wasn't entirely sure this fitted. The final line also seemed to not fit too well however I wasn't sure if this was intentional with the idea of breaking free and the line seeming to diverge from the flow of the piece. If that is the case however good on you, just me being fussy!
All in all I enjoyed it! Look forward to reading more of your stuff!
Not bad. You did very well in swiftly setting the scene, it never seemed to drag. The pacing seemed brisk and reading it never became a chore.
Also it was nice not to be thrown into pages of explanation describing the umbrella corp etc. You clearly aimed it at people who understand the series, never putting them out with already known backstory.
Having said this, your story was generic enough to the point you didn't punish those who haven't played the games.
To improve I'd say take your time. You seemed to really want to display the trade mark zombiesque action, however showed no real character development, they were introduced but I felt nothing for them. One of my favourite parts of the zombie genre is seeing to what depths good people will fall to survive, without a solid grounding for a character this aspect can never really show. However I may be harsh after all it's only just started, you may be going more into characters in a later piece, if so I apologise.
One other thing I wasn't sure worked was your language at points. This may be just me, but using phrases like "pistol whip," really throws my suspension of disbelief. I don't know it just seems to lacks descriptive quality, although I can see your trouble as you are maintaining a very solid pace and can't really slow too much.
This all however doesn't detract from the piece too much. I still enjoyed it and the train setting was quite nice. A nice change to the George Romero zombies in a shopping centre cliche if you know what I mean. I hope to see more as I am interested, also is the doc still alive!
Quite good. It did a lot for me personally as I have been closely affected by a road accident. No one died but for a while it was touch and go, so it is a topic that always speaks to me.
I find your first stanza really quite dark, the narrative voice almost sounds quite mocking in its tone with the, "Guess now it's too late".
I also found the fact you don't fully know what they were talking about very interesting. Was their last conversation one of joy? Sorrow? I got the impression of there being many things unsaid. Something that really gives the piece a mournful tone.
The structure was quite basic but worked nicely in portraying your message.
I'd be interested to see what you thought of my piece, "Grief". It follows similar themes but shown in a very different manner.
Happy Writings,
Shaun Beale
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