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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fishtail1776
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121 Public Reviews Given
153 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! What a powerful piece! It's exactly why I love non-fiction writing/reading. It's so real.

It reminds me of when I was in my 20s. I'm assuming Elsa, the main character, also is this age? I also got the impression she's a single mom whose kids' father left a long time ago? The only difference is I never had children, but the optimism I had at that age mirrors what Elsa depicts in this story.

What I Liked/Loved

--The opening paragraph is awesome! You took a classic alarm clock contention and used unique language enough for me to laugh at this highly-identifiable incident. Who cannot relate to this? Very few people, I would imagine!

--I love the contrast between the two children: Jules remembers everything but twists the story to suit her need for feeling of family normalcy, but Sean has zero frames of reference. You did a fine job of describing the two.

--Thank you for sharing your frustration about hour cuts and employer cutbacks. It makes me feel not so alone in that regards. Also, I grew up poor and struggle with wishing I made more money now. Therefore, I understand.

--I love the very last line, too. You say, "College would make everything fair." It's what most post-high school students probably say! I remember thinking that at that age.

--You describe the single parent scenario quite well, and by the way I've rode the bus a lot, too! Sometimes, I still do.

--You made effective use of fragments -- wasn't awkward at all. Your non-sentence expressions work quite well.

What Could Use Some Work (Not too Many Things, Though)

To be fair, I read this too fast the first time I read it. Therefore, I had to read it a second time to get more meaning out of it. That's not necessarily a bad thing because we often have to read material more than once if it's intelligent enough. However, in this modern, low-attention-span world, I ideally think it'd be nice to be able to read it fast and understand it the first time.

At first, I thought perhaps I knew who the "Witch" and "The King" and "The Princess" were, but I didn't really know for sure until the second time I read it. Therefore, I hope you find a way to fine-tune this. One way to do this is to allude to these analogies two to three more times throughout the piece, but do it very quickly if you do so you don't overdo it. (That's all the advice I got for this, though! Not sure how else to further help you. )

I also do hope you come up with a more enticing title unless you think you can reach enough people who know what "American Serfdum" is. I don't, but that's me.

Some Comma Suggestions Based on my AP-Style and Business Writing

(And if you see any of my writing, I know. I should talk.)

1.

“They were low on milk, she'd have to pick some up on the way home from work; at least there was enough for the kids' cereal.”

Suggestion: Replace the comma after “milk” with a period.

2.

“Julie and Sean's room was the usual mess of clothes and toys strewn about. Elsa made her way through the obstacle course to Julie's bed, better to start with the hibernator that would sleep till noon if left to her own devices.”

Suggestion: Use a dash (--) instead of a comma after “bed” because I interpret this as an interrupted thought.

3.

“In a few short years Jules wouldn't want to stand out, she'd be desperate to wear ever more expensive clothes that would allow her to blend in.”

Suggestion: Put a period instead of a comma after “out.” Then, start the following sentence with “Instead, she’ll be desperate…”

4.

Overall Impression – Great Job!

It’s easier for me to review pieces like this one that keep my interest all the way to the end.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I became interested when you were about to go home. I was empathizing with you regarding not knowing if you were going to see Christian again. I think I would have liked you to show you emotion a little bit more in imagery though. Other than that, a very touching story.

I think you did describe your setting very well, too by the way. I would recommend polishing this for a non-fiction story publication if you have not already.
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! I was very much intrigued by this. Quite a large amount of hidden meaning. I am not even sure why I am only rating this a 4 instead of a 5, but well...at any rate... seeing how I am a little buzzed right now....and its New Years Eve (well actually morning lol)....I could very much relate to the "not an alcoholic" statement.

LOL-It is the epitome of denial at its best. I love it! LOL In fact, you can have these 300 GPS back as a gift. Great stuff!

P.S. Those that are not really an alcoholic are more generous when they are a little "buzzed."

Otherwise, they are actually truly an alcoholic.
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Review of On Criticism  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clever! I never heard of reading and writing as sister muses before. I never really heard it put quite that way before. I like the way you carefully teach others how to offer constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism is that which help one improve. It is the kind of criticism that suggests what to do differently rather than focusing on what is wrong. (I should have remembered this in my relationships.

We as human beings mistakenly think it is our God-given duty to point out every single one of another’s faults, when in reality the Bible says to take the beam out of our own eyes before taking the speck out of someone else’s.

And yes, grammatical errors are the least of worries. However, grammatical perfection can lead to a greater understanding of what a writer is trying to say.
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Review of Waste Removal  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing your views on how junk should be disposed of. I do agree with you on some points. The proper and respectful practice of waste removal is very important, especially in the case of a death of a loved one.

The piece could use some fine-tuning, mostly in formatting the paragraphs. Also, watch out for any punctuation and typing errors.
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Review of The Modren Zombie  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (3.5)
I do see the sarcasm in this, and I did chuckle a little. I like how you describe the evolution of zombies as though it was this great epiphany even though deep down you probably could truly care less. Way to make fun of zombies.

Right on! I suggest straightening out the appearance of this and making the paragraphs shorter. Furthermore, I would consider fine-tuning the potentially-humorous theme by elaborating on more ways why it is so funny to write about the evolution of zombies.
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You have some strong feelings here and it is great for you to have the chance to express those. I am not too clear as to what the goal of this piece it.

So far what you have is the rough draft and it seems like a “vent” passage from a journal. That is great, but you may want to work on making the lines and structure more fitting to be added to musical accompaniment if you want it to be a song.
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (4.0)
I interpret this work as a very philosophical approach to the proof of the existence of God. It appears at least at the start to “rove there is a God. I also believe that the ABC theory that atheists use can also be used to disprove the fact that it is possible there is no way they can prove there is no God.

The only problem is to me I find that people make the whole subject about God far to complicated. However, I am coming from a perspective that I have no idea what it is like to totally not believe there is a God.

In conclusion, I can say I have mixed feelings regarding this piece of work. It is very well written though and I would be able to follow the flow of the ideas if the paragraphs were broken down to about a third of the size that they are now.


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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have a very great start for a song. You wrote pretty good for some who was only 11 years old! I thin this poem would mean quite a it to different people. One thing that would make it even stronger is if you think of little bits of news and action you heard on the news. Make it come alive, as if you were actually there-especially if you were nearby it by chance.
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Review of Kal's Fury  
for entry "Part 1" 
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I can picture each scene and each action as it is happening. Also, I notice that you have done a great job with developing the personality of your characters.

Although this is not my favorite genre, I can say that it does leave me in enough suspense to want to read further. You have some minor formatting glitches, such as too many spaces between paragraphs.
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Review of Lurid Visions  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This poem is okay to me. I do like the first three lines, and the fourth stanza, which would make probably the second full verse if this item was more uniformally-structured.

This line is to long and akward:

"Visions of a boy whos a girl whos a dyke inside the frame"

If you want to use the analogy, that is your choice, but I'd recommend shortening it. It is too long in contrast to all the other lines.
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Review of Prince  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (4.5)
I don’t know everything about the details of the Lisa Lansing case. However, from reading the diaries and stories about her I found on this site I can say this is a very effective poem. I don’t know very much yet about why the details of this poem would matter, but it is indeed very well-written.
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Review of Reinventing Me  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I saw the title of this piece and thought it sounds like a good one. It is always good for a person to know who he or she is.

Sometimes it takes awhile to remember who that person is after the loss of a relationship. I commend you on how “natural” the lines sound, and you have mastered the art of rhyme quite nicely. I wouldn’t give a five rating unless I really mean it, which I am giving to you
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I get the message of a very confused and self-centered person being brushed off by another who simply doesn't give a hoot. That could be an interesting message for a song. Did you consider rhyming it though? It is great that you have a definite distinction between chorus and verse though.
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem consists of quite a bit of beautiful imagery-more than other ones I have rated. You have the potential to send a very powerful message through it. It would even be better as simply a free-verse poem with music or nature sounds playing in the background.

However, to put it to music you may want to consider making the rhythm of the lines more regular to fit the beat of the music. Also, I don’t feel that the use of the “2” fits, and what is the work on the bottom? A separate piece or part of the same work?
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Review of Liquify  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The title “Liquefy” along with your description for this piece caught my eye.

The whole poem is strategically written to give others the affect the character in it feels drained. It is a sarcastic tone and angry tone as well, which fits. I was hoping for a resolution though, as it seems like the person wants to stay in the draining relationship.
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Review of Pet Peeve  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this Pet Peeve article. I could see this in the column of a newspaper or parenting magazine. The opening line is stellar and the whole document is an easy read. My favorite parts are the comment about the anti-anxiety drug and the I Don’t Know child (invisible one) that doesn’t talk back I’d say you portrayed a very typical situation in a very unique way. You should do something with this piece.
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Review of bad poetry  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I think this would actually make a great warning for children. It needs a little work, but has great potential.

The one thing working against you is that it is hard to tell on print whether this would be a parody of a song or not. Because if so, that would be extremely funny. I was not sure if that was your intention.

If so, you might want to indicate that in your title and description so people can hum the tune of the familiar song in their head while reading it.smile.

To me this appears to be a Parody of Beatle's "Yesterday". Am I right? If so, this is a good start...if not I'd say make it into that.
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is a very simple story about two young men trying to figure out who they are.

What Stood Out to Me:

The affection between the two young men: Their feelings and conflicts were very well-explained. It was evident that perhaps they were really not ready to decide who they really are at this time.

Suggestions:

If this is based on a true account forgive me. I was thinking this story seemed so stereotypical, in less I am wrong. Why are gay men always portrayed as “sissies” or “mamma’s boys”? I can see if this is how it happened…then there is nothing that can be done.

There should be a little bit more of a plot and a sense of rising action. More of a conclusion is needed.

___

Grammar Corrections:

"I’m no like the guys on the basketball team."-I’m not like the guys…”

“Does my being different and so sensitive man that I’m gay?”” “Does my being different and so sensitive mean that I’m gay?”
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Review of The Deck's Ace  
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Keep up the good work! This story is very action-packed. I commented on the passages that stood out to me-all good ones I liked. Also, I have some suggestions for you.


What Stood Out to Me:

-Excellent description of Torrance’s school. I really picture it in my mind as an expensive, private institution.

-Excellent depiction of typical school fights, and/or gang activity.

-I like how the “roughest” character in this novel even has good values. She didn’t want to drive drunk.

What I would do without:

-I cringe at the use of the “C” word (you know which one I mean).


-It would be nice if some of the paragraphs were smaller. As you may read in other reviews this is my absolute pet peeve.

___

Grammar Corrections:

“control substances”controlled substances

___

-Suggestion regarding the following dialogue:

“Why am I ‘golden’?” Torrance asked, making the quotation marks with one hand.

“You sell them drugs.” Rae said easily. It was matter of fact, without great emotion as if it were an everyday thing, like taking the dog for a walk.

“Oh, well I guess that’s understandable.” Torrance said, matching her tone. Drugs were supposed to be bad, and the fact that she sold them should also be bad, but for some reason, Rae didn’t present it that way

I don’t think you need to explain so much why Torrance and Rae were speaking so matter-of-factly about drug use. It already comes out in their character development by this point in the story simply by the fact that they make millions of dollars selling the stuff. I am saying this even though Torrance suffers from memory loss.

One possible solution: maybe you can shorten Torrance’s and Rae’s above-mentioned conversation in the following way:

“Why am I ‘golden’?” Torrance asked, making the quotation marks with one hand.

“You sell them drugs.” Rae said as if it were an everyday thing, like taking the dog for a walk.

“Oh, well I guess that’s understandable.” Torrance said.

I think this whole dialogue scene would be more natural that way (w/my suggestion), especially since right after that Rae says:

“Yeah, you sell A LOT of drugs,”…,
___

-I chuckle at the fact Torrance doesn’t remember what sex feels like! What a tragedy. LOL
___

-Regarding Passage:

“She glanced up at the security camera hung in the corner of the classroom. Most people assumed that they were for safety, and that may have been the original intention. But again, Rae knew better. They were watching, monitoring students.”

Wow! That’s Heavy! Need I comment more? What is American coming to?

____

-Regarding Passage:

Torrance had several side businesses in the school. They usually weren’t legal, or ethical for that matter, but they afforded her a great deal of respect. Rae helped with a few jobs. "Hey how many sick days do you have left?" Torrance asked.

This shows the development of the bad *ass character.

___

-Regarding Passage:

Torrance didn’t just disappear without a trace, especially without telling someone first. The last time this happened was at the military academy. She had been captured and beaten within an inch of her life, and none of her friends were the wiser. Without their leader, the kids didn’t stand a chance against the faculty and Feds. Everyone had told Rae that it wasn’t her fault, but she still blamed herself. She was second in command, but she couldn’t save Torrance or the rest of their friends.

Very important paragraph.

___

-Regarding Paragraph:
Ryan was suddenly aware that he was the only black person in a room with about 15 angry white people and their guns. Usually white people didn’t bother him, but right now, amidst of all of these southern crackers, he felt very uncomfortable. He did his best to be non offensive.
Wise and subtle address of racial tension.


Again, keep up the good work!
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What Stands out to Me throughout section:

The unsigned poem adds to the suspense of the Missing status of Lisa.

This section about the analysis of the Prince poem gave me chills. It is like watching a whole series of Cold Case or Missing Without a Trace Episodes.

This as well as this entire Lisa Lansing series has great potential. Great section by section study of the poem as well. This gives the whole case some validity.
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This poem really hit me hard. I was not expecting to relate to it in the way I did. I think it is very good. I may have to take the time to read some more of your other work.

I am not even sure if I dare what meaning I got out of it. I take it as a very "sick" situation that sometimes happens to females.

I took the "demon" to be an "attacker" of some kind of a personal nature...and someone who would strip someone very special of her self-worth (or would at least try to).

I can identify with this in many ways. I say very well done. My only suggestion is to specify in your warning itself not for kids, or even in the title.

I didn't really realize what it was until I started reading it (thought it was E, but that was only the title rating...but in a way that is probably not your fault...I could just be a space cadet).

Anyway...just a small suggestion for an otherwise exceptional piece of work.
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is good information. I like Google as a search engine. Yeah I also agree with you regarding the information you find on the Internet. A large amount of the "advice" you receive regarding Google is often outdated.

I appreciate your explanation about the various search tabs on the Google search home page. I may want to check out the groups tab.

Thanks for the handy info!
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Review of Promise  
Review by fishtail1776
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This poem gives me the image of a parent who has neglected his or her young. It also appears to depict very simply and plainly how one can feel abandoned by those they trusted as well.

Their is an unspoken agreement between parents and children upon birth of that child that the child is promised to be taken care of. However, most people don't realize that when they choose to engage in the activities that cause a child to be brought into this world means that they promise to take care of it-or to send that child to someone who is capable.
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Review by fishtail1776
Rated: E | (4.0)
I agree with your list. Most of these things are things to definately be joyful about. These are the things to remember when everything is going wrong.

I think it's cool also that you know the Green Bay Packers. I live in the state where the Green Bay Packers are from. I am wondering where you live, and I am thinking of e-mailing you privately. It's neat to think that writers near me are on this site.

Anyway...

I really enjoyed this "simple" poem, which is comprised of a simple list. I also like the stars at the beginning, for a bullet effect. I was wondering...could you change the font to purple though?

One last nit-picky thing...

Spelling Error-recipe, in line 3 of poem.

Keep up the good work though!
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