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107 Public Reviews Given
129 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Sinful Chocolate  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Diane,

This little story about a chocolate bar(!) is very well-written. Language and style are perfect, it flows very well. The subject just didn't interest me very much, but you no doubt know how to craft a story.

All the best,


Flitcraft
27
27
Review of His Mother's Eyes  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello WD,

A great story, for sure! I liked it a lot. Language, dialogue, all flows extremely well. And I just like stories with that macabre touch to them. The ending is carried out very skillfully.

I always try to come up with something to complain about, but this time it was hard.

* you write 'pain killer' but isn't painkiller one word?

* “Yeah, well everyone wanted to (I would add a comma after ‘well’)

* “I know, Dad, I know. I was only eight, but I saw how violent she got. But I always felt she was still my mom. I really don’t know how you handled it for all those years -- all the fits of cussing and screaming, and the way she used to throw things at you.” (why not mom with a capital?)

All the best,


Flitcraft
28
28
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Fyndorian,

I liked this little story about Barbie, Ken, and G.I. Joe entwined with the adventures of the narrator, a young girl. The language flows effortlessly and you manage to hook the reader in the beginning. The ending is perfect.

Personally, I like to use comma’s a lot, and I would have put in a few more than what you have done.

Kind regards,


Flitcraft
29
29
Review of Paper  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Stoshman,

I’ve read one of your other stories “The Telescope” and I liked it, so I decided to take a look at this one as well. What I like about this one is that the story is quite unpredictable, and you have a few surprises for the reader in the end. The dialogue is also good.

Regarding the flow and style, I think you can make some improvements. You sometimes write longs sentences with many comma’s, adding description upon description. You also a few unnecessary adverbs you can delete.

Examples:

The sky still rumbled, a flash of lightning here and there, but showed more blue than gray, sunlight splashing through and off the wet concrete walkway.

The two figures were smiling broadly as well, floating above the rippled surface, seemingly unconcerned about their lack of success, the fish ignoring the baitless hooks that dangled in front of them.

A stranger, dressed in oil-soaked blue overalls sporting a full beard, light brown marbled with gray, met his gaze. (cut ‘light brown marbled with gray’)

Alexander hesitated for an instant before moving towards him, wary, Wesley sensed, as much from the intensity of his warning as the possibility of being stung.

He raised the crow bar above his head, the weight of it a struggle, offering it to him.

Just a late summer thunder boomer, should be over in a few minutes,” he said, nodding toward the yellow pickup parked in the lot, conspicuous only by its color from the half a dozen other trucks owned by people in the complex. (cut from conspicuous)

He lives with Melinda,” Alexander said, casting his eyes down for the first time, his confidence momentarily lost. (cut from ‘his…’)

Some other small things:

midwestern -> Midwestern

Queen -> queen

wasp’s -> wasps

They both looked up, their dialogue interrupted, as the boys Mother came around the corner of the house. (cut ‘their dialogue interrupted’)

Alexander dutifully backed off, settling under one of the elms. (cut ‘dutifully’)

Hope this was helpful.

All the best,


Flitcraft
30
30
Review of Periclean Athens  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Hilary,

Your story was a nice read. You manage to capture the feeling of the ancient times quite well. The language also flows well.

To fit the style I would also skip all contractions in the text. And, to make it easier for people in front of a computer screen – add blank rows between paragraphs and dialogue lines.

All the best,


Flitcraft


Some suggestions below:

* “Yeah, I suppose you are right.” (I would skip the “Ýeah.” Doesn’t fit the style.)

* giving her a dirty smile (sounds better without ‘dirty’)

* softly kissing her forehead. (‘softly’ here is an unnecessary adverb. Cut!)
31
31
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Blue Thunder,

You have an interesting piece here. After only one chapter it’s pretty hard to say where it’s going, though.
I do see some room for improvement. I think the biggest point would try to concentrate on the flow. You often write very long sentences with many comma’s. In my opinion, I think you’d better try to ‘simplify’ the text by writing shorter sentences.

See this sentence for example:

* Karla had always been an emotional sort of woman, even as a child her emotions ran high, she cried easily, but after living with Dan for the past few years she felt completely alienated from the one person on this earth she always thought would be there for her, after all, he always was before, and she had a good idea what brought on the whole 180 degree change in him.

If you rewrite it like this:

* Karla had always been an emotional sort of woman. Even as a child her emotions ran high, and she always cried easily. After living with Dan for the past few years, she felt completely alienated from the one person on this earth she always thought would be there for her. After all, he always was there before, and she had a good idea what brought on the whole 180 degree change in him.

It flows much better!

Hope this was helpful!

All the best,


Flitcraft




Some other suggestions:

* worn,bald -> worn, bald

* her,consuming -> her, consuming

* "God, I wish i could die. I want to die. please help me die. I can't do it alone."
Yes, she was afraid. -> "God, I wish I could die. I want to die. Please help me die. I can't do it alone." She was afraid.

* Why did'nt she stay that way? -> didn’t

* The car began to go into its convulsing state, not sure if it wanted to keep going or stall out completely, it suddenly hit her, she had not seen a car or anything in at least a good hour or so. -> The car began to go into its convulsing state, not sure if it wanted to keep going or stall out completely. Then it hit her, she had not seen another car in at least an hour.

* But to what? (I’d delete this)

* She twisted off the plastic top and tossed it to the passenger seat, took a long drink. -> She twisted off the plastic top and took a long drink.
32
32
Review of Absolution  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Alendariel,

I liked your story about a girl at her grandfather’s funeral. You can describe the scenes well with a poetic style that gives this piece a special atmosphere.

Punctuation could be better – I missed a number of comma’s. I also think you should skip the ‘thinking in italics.’ On a few occasions you also lose the rhythm a bit.

Below I’ve pointed out a few weak passages. Hope this will be helpful.

All the best,


Flitcraft


* Most though spoke -> Most, though, spoke

* I've been lucky really. (I would not use a contraction here)

* It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. (I would delete this.)

* The same watery blue eyes actually. (comma after eyes)

* I figured it was better than coming barefoot though. (comma after barefoot)

* My smile feels stiff. My sincerity seems false. (bad rhythm here)

* They're stunning. Beautiful women. (bad rhythm)

* You're a bad granddaughter. Bad, bad, bad. You shouldn't be here. You're a bad granddaughter. (I’m kind of allergic to ‘thinking in italics’ and I think your piece would be better without it)

* The dark is comforting and protective, and it's been a long evening. -> The dark is comforting and protective; it's been a long evening.
33
33
Review of Squirrel Hunting  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Legerdemain,

This was very well-written. Your language has a very good flow and you caught me immediately.

The story about a pregnant woman following her husband hunting was cute, although the plot just didn't really move me.

I'll definitely come back to your port again.

All the best,


Flitcraft
34
34
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Invisible Writer,

This story about a loveless girl at Valentines was quite cute. Below a few suggestions to improve the language.

All the best,


Flitcraft

* “I don’t understand your behavior, Reills.” Her best friend, Nate had said at almost every Valentine’s Day lunch for the past three years they’d known each other. -> “I don’t understand your behavior, Reills,” her best friend, Nate, had said at almost every Valentine’s Day lunch for the past three years they’d known each other.

* “I figured it out.” He repeated, his blue and green eyes sparkling with his
profound discovery. -> “I figured it out,” he said, his blue and
green eyes sparkling with his profound discovery.

* His mismatched eyes traveled her up and down appreciatively. (repetition of ‘mismatched’. And I would cut ‘appreciatively’. Adverbs often destroy more than they add – leave it to the reader.)
35
35
Review of The Big Race  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Leger,

"The Big Race" is a short, intriguing story, where the reader is unaware of the actual situation until the very end, which of course has a twist.

Punctuation, dialogue - it all worked well and I have no remarks.

All the best,


Flitcraft
36
36
Review of Dark Ice  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
hi zman,

a very short buy nice little story about the death of a pet.

well done,


flitcraft
37
37
Review of Family Matters  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello 2/4!

I enjoyed your story, but I think with some editing you can make I much better! I made a number of specific suggestions below.

In general.

The weakest point in this story is the excessive use of adverbs. For example:
“She thrashed against his grip violently until he wrapped himself around her so tightly she couldn’t move. Gasping raggedly,”
Don’t tell your story with adverbs! You can cut two-thirds of them and your story will sound much better! Be wary of everything that end with –ly! In dialogues sentences like “he said harshly” or “he stabbed her violently” can almost always be done better without the adverbs. Let the dialogue speak for itself – don’t add those silently, harshly etc.

Also be wary with words like ‘terror’ or ‘horror’. Those words are clichés and using another word is often better.

Kind regards,


Flitcraft



Specific suggestions:

“Just where do you think you’re going?” he demanded exposing the whitest, straightest teeth Bella’d seen in a long time. (comma after demanded)

The smoker dropped the cigarette and ground it out with the toe of his shoe before giving Bella a terrifyingly thorough look up and down. (the sentence sounds better without ‘terrifyingly’)

Bella returned the once over glance and allowed her smile to deepen and widen. (sounds funny)

Oh well, at this point she’d take what she could get she decided. (comma before ‘she decided’)

causing her to drop the syringe when her head impacted the brick. (‘impacted’ doesn’t sound good here)

She turned halfway up, kicking savagely sideways hoping to connect with his face (‘connect’ doesn’t sounds good here)

The display of strength was astounding. (Cut this sentence)

So was the way Wall Leaner flew through air and landed with a horrible cracking sound. (cut horrible)

He turned towards her and Bella focused on his face for the first time since he’d appeared in the stairwell. His skin was shockingly white; (the reader knows it’s white already)

Liar, Bella screamed silently, knowing he'd promise anything to get her cooperation. (scream silently?)

She should have known she berated herself, did know she admitted, but refused to care because of the money. (a bit clumsy sentence)

“Bella,” he asked, tentatively pulling back from her. (cut tentatively)

the dark-haired man leaped out bringing with him a double-barreled shot gun (leaped out with a double…)

She stumbled over her heels and sat down, staring mindlessly as Archie planted one hand solidly around the barrel of the gun and the other around the man’s throat. The man’s neck snapped loudly. (Cut solidly and loudly)

Bella looked away in disgust and tried getting gingerly to her feet. (cut gingelry)

Bella spun around and stared at him blankly. (cut blankly)

Well, she thought, more of a shadow. (cut sentence)

A hint of motion registered in the corner of her eye, and whipping around she found a woman standing threateningly close. (cut threateningly)

Bella stood frozen, staring at the woman who was looking her over carefully (rephrase the last three words)

drawing air painfully through her bruised windpipe (cut painfully)


Archie patted the child’s back comfortingly. (cut comfortingly)

“Unspeakable things,” Archie growled as Bella drew back in horror. (cut ‘in horror’)

“Don’t you think it’s better if you don’t know too many details?” (sounds too cocky. Why not just “It’s better you don’t know”)

“I wish I didn’t know as much as I do,” Bella exclaimed shaking her head trying to adjust to the new reality she’d been tossed into. (‘exclaimed’ sounds out of place. Try another word.)

“Stop it,” he snarled, (said. Stick to said instead of snarled, growled etc)

The terrible suffering she’d been subjected to showed clearly on her face. (cut terrible)

“You don’t need to understand,” his tone became softer and warmer, “you’ve done well. (this is actually three sentences)

“Right,” Bella said knowing she would never forget a second of what had happened. (comma after said)

Her heart pounded frantically and her breath came in short, squeaky gasps. (cut frantically)

she sank down on the steps and put her head in her hands, concentrating on trying to breathe evenly. He hovered over her impatiently. (remove the adverbs)

Be sure you don’t invite anyone you’re not sure about in. (->Be sure you don’t invite anyone in you’re not sure about.)

Then he leaped into the air and was gone in a rush of air. (‘air’ twice sounds awkward)

Shakily, she checked herself out and decided she was going to survive after all. (Cut ‘shakily)

Shuddering slightly, she began to laugh. (remove sentence)
38
38
Review of The Telescope  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Stoshman!

I think you’ve written a nice story. I made some remarks directly in the text so I think it’s easier just to send you the doc-file. In general:

• The end I very well-written, not over-explaining anything but has the exactly right mood.
• You have a lot of imagination in your writing and that is surely a great thing for a writer. However, sometimes less is more. You sometimes make long descriptive sentences that just don’t flow very well. I’ve pointed some of them out when I think it just sounds better without. Be ruthless when editing yourself.
• …she replied, flashing a striking smile. (better without) These things you have to watch out for! Let the dialogue speak for itself instead of making additions like that.
• Note: you lay something down on the floor. But you lie on the floor.
• You developed the characters well, especially Dig and Cho.
• For the rest, it was humorously written but between the lines also a bit sad (that’s what I thought, at least…) Dig being such a loser made me think of the movie “American Beauty”.

Best wishes,


Flitcraft
39
39
Review of A Normal Guy  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi jay,

Your story was a nice read! A few typo's in there (i saw a demontstrates in the beginning). Anyway, this piece had a nice absurd humor to it that I liked. The dialogue is also very natural. What I like most about it is that the writing has a an unconventional 'playfullness'. I think it was an easy piece for you to write, that it almost came by itself.
Neil comes alive very well and the protagist too as she on the one hand is annoyed by Neil's whereabouts but, on the other hand, likes him as he is.

With so many conventional stories out there I appreciate those who dare to stand out.

Write on!


Flitcraft
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