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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ghostbear
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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Adrian Whitehill
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi,

I like the story, it could easily be expanded into more and makes me wonder what else had gone before and what the fate of the knights will be.

However, it reads a little stilted and to me feels like it leans too heavily to the tell, rather than show. For example - the opening could be done as below:

"Bayard stood glaring at the capitol city of Warcester alight with dim lantern glow, and the magnificent torches of the front gate. His breath steaming in the crisp early morning air, and the dying flicker of the camp fire dancing with his shadow"

To:

"Breath misting like fog in the cold dawn air, Bayard stood glaring at the lantern lit city of Warcester. Sleep had eluded him this night as the fate of his young bride rested heavily on his shoulders."

I know I often have a similar problem with early drafts, and still find it easier to see in others writing than my own, because I've already got the scene I'm trying to portray in my head. I've found it helps me to sometimes leave a story/scene for a while then come back to it and read it fresh.

Onwards and Upwards :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
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Review of The Smoke Alarm  
Review by Adrian Whitehill
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting concept, and could easily be expanded to a longer children's story.

The only thing that I picked up was that there was an awful lot of Telling, but not much Showing.

For example "I look like a dragon" could be replaced with a description of what she saw in the mirror, the scaly snout with wisps of smoke drifting from the nostrils, reptilian eyes and teeth. Along with a moment or two of confusion while her brain processes it's the mirror not a picture she's looking at.

Other than that, not bad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Logic  
Review by Adrian Whitehill
Rated: E | (5.0)
I quite like this for flash fiction, short, snappy yet rather Quirky.

I don't know if this was an actual dream you've had, but it certainly included all the oddness and knowing-yet-not-knowing that permeates dreams.

Some of the images could also be expanded on into fuller scenes as well, and that's part of the beauty of flash fiction - it's literally a flash insight to a world, and this has certainly done that, as well as left me wanting to know more about the world and it's logic.

Well done :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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