The following is a review of "What I see" , submitted as Assignment One for the Poetry Basics & Beyond class offered through "Invalid Item" .
Emotional Impact:
Through the words of the narrator, I felt an emotional connection to the other character. The sadness and hopelessness of that person filtered through the narrator in such a way that I shared the narrator's feelings, and wished the joy brought to that person could have been for more than one night.
Effectiveness of Form:
I loved the refrain you created in this free verse poem. It was very effective when you reversed the subject from "Your" to "My" in the second refrain repeat, sharing with the reader the narrator's sense of regret.
Punctuation/Spelling:
under the black starless sky, -- I suggest using a comma between black and starless.
Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your assignment with us!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "The Bus" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
There was a tone of disillusionment to this poem that sounded genuine and real; a stark admission by the narrator that in this moment of time, reality wasn't matching the dreams of youth. The feeling was well conveyed that one reaches a point in life when the honest truth that you can't run back in time feels like a trap for the soul. Nostalgia brought the narrator sadness, and a sense of lost hope rang clear through the piece.
Effectiveness of Form:
I enjoyed your use of allusion in this piece. The references to Jerry Garcia, Dionysus and Kenneth Kesey were effective in helping the reader identify with the narrator's frame of mind, and summarized broad, complex ideas or emotions with quick, powerful images.
The only problem I found with this piece was the way the line breaks sometimes left the stanzas a little choppy to the ear. This may have been how I was reading it, and the effect could be argued to add to the disillusioned feeling of the narrator. I found myself re-reading lines though, in an effort to take in the meanings in fluid thoughts that didn't come to me with the first reading.
Punctuation/Spelling:
I saw no errors in these areas!
Lasting Impressions: It has been my pleasure to read and review your work. Thank you for sharing your creative talent with us!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Uncle Paul's Voice" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
The premise of this poem touched me when I read the title description. The poem itself delivered the goods -- It stirred my soul to read through, right to the sweet-spoken closing line.
Effectiveness of Form:
Excellent use of line breaks to bring the reader gently through the piece. The rhythmic sound of the poem was beautifully crafted by stringing alliterate, consonant and assonant words together. This was a real joy to read!
Punctuation/Spelling:
I have one suggestion regarding the closing couplet:
Your voice drawls seventy-ish as it should.
" I love you honey, now you be good.". -- This may look and read stronger written like this:
Your voice drawls seventy-ish as it should,
"I love you honey; now you be good."
Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing this touching poem with us!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Family Meetings" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
Anyone ever in a family knows the frustrating pain of conflict, especially when (every)one is being dysfunctional. There were several ways you captured the emotional impact of these feelings:
First, you chose to convey this piece in present tense, making it real and immediate for the reader. Had you chosen past tense, I think the reader would have identified with its meaning on a different and less stinging level.
Also, there was a piercing power in your word choices that deepened the impact of the poem. Using "dogs" instead of family members was poignant, and describing the discussion with this descriptive was genius: I am on the table for execution tonight.
Finally, this language was very telling of where the narrator was in her heart, as well as her take on the dispute:
You say and you say and you say
that you don't feel resolved in your conflict with me. -- 'your conflict with me' was most intriguing and added greatly to the strong undertones of this piece. Great job!
Effectiveness of Form:
I thought everything about this poem's free form worked to deliver the message and emotional impact of the piece. It was straightforward, angry, and didn't need rhymes or devices to do the work.
Punctuation/Spelling:
My only suggestion would be to incorporate punctuation into the following line to add to its impact:
I think but don't say the Rhett frankly dear. -- I would try this out: I think, but don't say, Rhett's "Frankly, dear..."
Lasting Impressions: Your ability to impact the reader emotionally shines in this piece. Thanks for sharing!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Ongoing Dignity" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
The image of the Alzheimer patient, trapped in the cruel clutches of the disease, is painful to imagine. To picture the patient robbed of his musical genius, or any gifts that defined him as a person, is crushing. But the last line of this poem stands defiant and powerful. "Nothing can take what I'm about." I wanted to cheer for him!
Effectiveness of Form:
Your ability to create sound rhythm shines again in this piece. This line stood out as a perfect example of your talent:
Comes a mad muse to candle mind... --
Punctuation/Spelling:
Mozart happy - oblivious to pee and context; -- Since the line following this is not a complete sentence, I suggest using a comma instead of a semi-colon.
"Nothing can take what I'm about.". -- You have an extra period following the closed quotation marks.
Lasting Impressions: I am enjoying your work very much! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Boxes" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
The language you employed to create the tone of this piece was successful on so many levels. I sensed the feelings of sadness and loss; loss of a person passed on mingled with the sad frustration that the memories were less crisp as time wore on. I imagined the scene of a woman spending a solitary moment in a quiet shed, letting the abandoned fishing gear urge the memories into sharper focus. This piece was melancholy and beautiful, and profoundly thought-provoking.
Effectiveness of Form:
I enjoyed this free verse poem very much. The rhyme scheme was unassuming and lent a gentle cadence to the stanzas. I thought it was particularly clever how you opened the poem with one line set apart; yet you rhymed its line-ending word "red" with the second to the last word in line one of stanza one, "shed." This rhyme jumped out at me and set the pace for the rhymes that followed.
One of this poem's greatest strengths is its use of sound devices to create rhythm. I enjoyed the alliteration and assonance very much. Some of my favorite "sound" moments were:
(many Blue's biting days fused) -- Sounds great, and:
clearing Euclidean space I came -- Wonderful use of alliteration [clearing and Euclidean] and assonance [space and came]. Very rhythmic!
the coffret of my brother's shed -- Powerful use of (French) vocabulary
The last stanza was poignant and the highlight of the poem for me. It really struck a chord in me that resonated each time I read through this piece.
Punctuation/Spelling:
Your tacklebox of tired red... -- I think tackle box is two words (??)
small flat spot of father... -- You may have had your reasons for not capitalizing this sentence fragment, but as a reader not in your head () it would seem more powerful with 'small' capitalized.
Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed this piece immensely! I look forward to reading and reviewing four more of your port selections!
Hi Sandy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Clara's Dollar" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction: There is a lot of heart and soul in this story. The plot delivers a timeless message that giving is always better than receiving.
What I liked:
In a short space, you managed to do a wonderful job characterizing Clara. I couldn't "see" her, for there were no physical descriptions offered, but I consider that a good thing. Instead, I "pictured" her, the kind of woman she was, the content of her character. She was honest and rewarded for her honesty; yet, she realized she must be careful with her honesty around Henderson. I loved that aspect of her! Her generosity and love for her children was greater than her own needs.
This moment touched my heart: ...even after buying Christmas gifts for the children to give Henderson money to spend on seeds for the spring crop. I sensed her place with Henderson, and the place in her heart for him. Nice job bringing two sides of the characters out into the light.
Suggestions:
I would have liked more descriptions with regard to the setting, and the characters. I thought there was a lot of room for creatively painting the canvas of the story, so that the reader sees, smells, and hears where Clara was.
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
In the paragraph beginning, Clara deposited $100 of the money in a savings account and spent her usual dollar. -- the description of what each child would love to receive for Christmas is written in one long, run-on sentence. I suggest either separating the independent clauses with semi-colons. For example:
...a toy gun for Bennie who used his finger as a weapon pointed at every bird that landed near the house; Guy and Sonny are old enough for a real rifle to help put meat on the table(won't their eyes shine!); Joaquin away at nursing school will have a nice new tablet and pen;... Or, better yet, break the line down into smaller, more manageable sentences. For example:
Bennie, who used his finger as a weapon pointed at every bird that landed near the house, would love a toy gun. Guy and Sonny are old enough for a real rifle to help put meat on the table. (Won't their eyes shine!) Joaquin, away at nursing school, will have a nice new tablet and pen.
"My goodness," she thought now I have one hundred one dollars to decide what to do with ......"My goodness!" -- I suggest putting direct thoughts into italics, so as not to be confused with spoken dialogue. For example:
"My goodness..." She thought, Now I have one hundred one dollars to decide what to do with .... "My goodness!"
Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful author's voice and creative style with us! I look forward to working with you in Love Reviews!
Hello Lola! After reading your poem "Motor Motor" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact: You did a wonderful job setting the tone for this piece. Every stanza reflects the despair and sadness of the narrator, and the envy she has for the boy leaning on his motorcycle. I sensed the narrator's feeling of being trapped in her unhappy life. "He's free" is a sentiment she repeats several times, and her longing to feel freedom comes through loud and clear.
The most poignant stanza that delivers the poem's message the strongest is the verse beginning, "I hated him, that free boy,". I thought the repetitive way each line begins with the same word(s) really drove home the impact of the narrator's abject view of her life. Great job!
Effectiveness of Form: This free verse poem doesn't rely on form to shine; it lets the message of the words do that. The imagery you used of "staggering drunk fathers" and "disgusted stares of the pretty girls" bring this poem to life for the reader.
My only suggestion would be to incorporate devices like alliteration, assonance or consonance to develop sound patterns which would encourage greater flow through some places. For example, in this line:
orphan roaming the streets, -- you could replace 'streets' with 'roads', which is assonant with 'roaming' (vowel rhyming) and uses alliteration (the same consonant sound [r] at the beginning of roaming and road). Also, using 'an' before 'orphan' gives the allusion of alliteration there, too. So you would have:
an orphan roaming the roads, -- which has an even more melodic flow to it.
Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors here . I wondered, though, if you had played around with the punctuation in this piece? There is a punctuation mark at the end of every line, which forces a hard pause after every line-ending word. I suggest taking out all the punctuation and seeing what happens to the look and sound once you do.
Another suggestion I have is to use italics to emphasize the notion of freedom, and the narrator's impression that she lacks it. For example, consider this:
He's free,
I would think, Free from crying baby sisters,
from staggering drunk fathers...
I hated him,
that free boy, free from the nuns,
from the regular beatings, free from the farms...
Lasting Impressions: I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. Thank you so much for sharing your creativity and talent with us! I look forward to working with you in Love Reviews!
Hello there! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "A Loving Heart, Belied" .
Emotional Impact: You speak so eloquently of the challenges facing someone who lives with, and loves, a bi-polar person. My sister lives this fate as well, and speaks to me often of the pain, the balancing act, the care that must be taken. I will share this with her...
Effectiveness of Form: I thought you did an outstanding job creating a lovely rhythmic flow in this piece. The sestets were well delivered with regular care to keep the syllabic counts close. This piece flowed off my tongue and was a real pleasure to read.
Punctuation/Spelling: Fantastic job here; I noticed no errors!
Lasting Impressions: Congrats for having this poem recognized for its many merits and winning third place in the contest!
Hi there! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Keeping" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction: I was completely engaged and entertained by this story.
What I liked:
The allegorical nature of this tale made it unique and interesting. I thought the physical aspect of Moira's pet peeves, the fact that they existed in the natural world as living, breathing entities, was very clever.
The voice of the narrator was clear and strong, and stayed consistent throughout the story. The first person narrative voice, along with the characterization in action and body language, brought the narrator's character to life.
I loved the dream sequence! It was rich in symbolism and suspense. The pace in this section was exceptional.
Suggestions:
I felt a bit of disconnect with the narrator because I was never introduced to him. I never learned his name, or much of what he looked like. I didn't even know for sure what his gender was until deep into the body of the story. I suggest working some descriptions into the beginning of the story that will help the reader figure out more about the narrator than just the fact that he is a college student.
The ending was a bit abrupt for me. I think that if you develop the beginning a little better, and flesh out the "intent" of the story, you will be able to wrap it up in a more concrete and polished manner. Perhaps hone in on the main conflict of the narrator, in a broad sense, so that after the climax scene when he is attacked in Moira's room the ending can show some sort of resolution or conclusion to the piece.
Grammar/Spelling Oops: Great job with the mechanics of this tightly written story. I noticed no mistakes!
Thanks for sharing this highly entertaining and symbolic story!
You have captured the eloquent feel of Shakespearean language, and the depth of emotion in these words rivals that of his great works.
Effectiveness of Form:
The rhyme scheme you chose was interesting and lent a rhythmic flow to the lines. Unlike Shakespearean poetry, there is neither accentual nor syllabic meter incorporated into this piece, however the language that delivered the message reincarnated that great poet.
Punctuation/Spelling:
I noticed no errors!
Lasting Impressions: Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful poem!
Hi K.S.! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Great Lion-Elephant Debate..." .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction: Your eloquent writer's voice captured my attention right away, and the entertaining story that followed captured my imagination.
What I liked:
First, the tightly written plot was perfectly executed in this piece. I loved how the opening and the closing of the story was the same, bringing a full-circle symmetry to the story line.
The third person omniscient narrative was an excellent choice, and you successfully captured each animal's personality through speech and perspective without insisting that the reader go deep inside every psyche.
The humor you weave throughout this piece is the perfect compliment to the literary excellence you write with. My two favorite moments were:
Bumba suggested they surround the lions, lie down in a circle with their butts facing the lions, and try hard to coordinate their best fart. --
Also, the platform issues the lions were working on were hilarious!
Suggestions: None -- this was pure, story-telling perfection!
Grammar/Spelling Oops: I only have a few comments for this otherwise mechanically sound piece:
The lions were surprised and greatly relieved about all of this, the odd introduction of the elephants caused some concern and uncertainty. -- There should be a semi-colon in place of the comma after 'this'.
"Hippo dung showers", said Zeke, "have you all forgotten... -- The comma before 'said' should be inside the closed quotation marks.
I liked this so much that I plan to read it to my children, who will surely get as much enjoyment out of it as I did!
Initial Reaction: Verne, you are an exceptional writer, and your voice in this piece is wonderful and engaging. After reading the story I went to your bioblock and saw that you are studying creative writing with a focus on non-fiction. Your talent and your training show through in this piece!
What I liked:
I was hooked by your voice immediately; it pulled me into the story in the beginning and kept me there until the last line.
The initial exchange behind the young and shy cousins was a wonderful scene, and you captured perfectly the way children interact. I loved the leap from being too timid to come out from behind the parent's legs, to this: “Mommy, can Verne sleep over in our house this summer?”
Through your vivid descriptions, I felt like I could "see" the children mature in my mind's eye. Though their interactions were few and far between, I followed, aided by the filter of your perspective, the evolution of their relationship.
I liked the manipulation of verb tenses to separate the two distinct parts of this narrative: the present tense to describe the reunion in 2006, and past tenses to fill in the history of Cece and Verne's relationship.
One of the strongest threads that bound this story together was the kiss on the cheek. Cece chases Verne all over at their first meeting, trying to plant a kiss on his cheek. I loved that the story ended with another kiss, this one cementing their connection to each other.
Suggestions: I only have one minor suggestion:
As is the usual custom in our family, we have the afternoon church ceremony followed by the dinner reception afterwards. -- It is unnecessary to finish this sentence with "afterwards" since the reception is said to follow the ceremony.
Grammar/spelling Oops: I have a couple of editorial comments:
It is customary to say "at one's house" rather than "in one's house." I noticed this a couple of times:
...my cousin Cece is eagerly waiting for me in my grandmother’s house. 'at my grandmother's house'
...when we arrived in Kentucky. It was already late in the evening by the time we arrived in his house. 'at his house'
Here are two typos I noticed:
The entire Yu clan has a reunites once more. -- Perhaps: The entire Yu clan has reunited once more.
...exceedingly hot even for Manila standards, so the cool suddenly cool weather soothed me as well. -- The extra "cool" before "suddenly" can be deleted.
It was a real pleasure to read this warm, engaging story. Thank you so much for sharing it, and best of luck with your studies!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Initial Reaction: This story sketch has a lot of potential for expansion.
What I liked: You have the elements of a good story here. The players are interesting and can become round, full characters with some depth of characterization. I liked the basis for the conflict within and between the characters -- there's lots of room for some great story lines.
Suggestions: You will need to flesh out the story you want to tell. A short story is based on a single moment of significance, so once you have decided what that will be, you will be on your way.
Also, this story will change in tone depending on which character you choose as the POV narrator. The events seen through Mandy's eyes will be much different than when filtered through the perspective of Margaret.
Grammar/spelling Oops: When you expand this piece, keep in mind the rules on punctuation with quotation marks, and dialog tags. For example:
Mandy gave a tentative smile, "Did you ever pick on her back?" -- There is not a dialog tag in this sentence, but rather action introducing dialog. It should appear like this:
Mandy gave a tentative smile. "Did you ever pick on her back?"
Thanks for sharing this piece with me!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Emotional Impact: I marvel at the emotional message of this poem. You have captured childhood pain that lives on in the heart of a tortured soul. It reminds me a lot of Sylvia Plath's Daddy; it has the same tone and voice. Perhaps this poem has struck such an emotional chord with me because I have a strained, conflicted relationship with my own father. I have thought often about the day he will pass, and the unresolved issues I know he will selfishly take with him to the grave.
Effectiveness of Form: You have used many poetic devices to make this poem a success. I would categorize it as an allegory, with the metaphoric images of a dying pharoah and consequent mummy used to great effect. I loved this line:
his queen stands watch, smile-stretched
lips, in life she dared not grin. -- Very powerful!
I liked the refrain stanza that changed slightly each time it appeared. It brought a powerful element to the piece and drove home its message.
This line, with consonant words, was poignant: brainless head and heartless chest. --
Punctuation/Spelling: Just one editorial comment:
lips, in life she dared not grin. -- I suggest a semi-colon instead of a comma after "lips."
Lasting Impressions: Thank you so much for including this poem in the challenge -- I truly enjoyed reading it!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Hello Maryann! After reading your poem "The Magnitude of Stars" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
This is a lovely poem that reminds me of the awestruck pleasure I get from gazing up into the endless beauty of the infinite night sky. It always blows my mind that it doesn't stop, it just goes and goes deeper into space.
Effectiveness of Form:
You did a nice job with the flowing rhythm of this piece. The a-a-a-a, b-b-b-b rhyme scheme aided that flow, as well as the nice use of alliteration in the first stanza.
The font color you chose as well as the signature image below the text added to the overall appearance of this piece. Great job!
Punctuation/Spelling:
I noticed no errors, here!
Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed reading your poem. Thanks for sharing your creative talent!
Hi Fyn! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Storm-story" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction: I love reading other people's writing exercises. This one was a wonderful exploration of first person POV narrative.
What I liked: You really captured a specific voice in this piece. The narrator sounded authentic, and you never wavered from her voice. I learned a lot about her from listening to her words and thoughts. Great exercise!
Suggestions: Even thought the focus was on the narrative style, there were some places where the writing could have been tighter. The opening sentence, for example, was a run-on: I hate storms I really am not comfortable at all with thunderstorms or hail or hurricanes or, god forbid, tornadoes. Now that the exercise is over and the focus can change, I suggest working on tightening up the mechanical aspect of the story.
Grammar/Spelling Oops: Another edit will help locate lingering errors. I would pay special attention to the verb tense shifts that make the story bounce around from the present to shades of the past. For example, the story opens in the present tense, but the rest of the story is told in the perfect past and past. I suggest bringing the whole thing into the past tense.
I enjoyed reading this piece. Thanks for sharing your creativity!
Initial Reaction: I recognized the people in this story right away, having read the first entry you made into the challenge. I enjoyed this version very much.
What I liked: You have a wonderful voice that tells this emotional story very well. The introspection is deep and you did a great job helping me get inside your mind as an eleven year old boy and as an adult. Nice job!
Suggestions: I have none, this was tightly written and engaging as written.
Grammar/spelling Oops: Just one comment:
Upon finishing the letter my first thought was “what a wonderful, loving letter to a son who never was able to read it.” -- Here, I suggest putting the thought into italics and eliminating the double quotation marks which should be reserved for spoken dialog. Also, there should be a comma after "my first thought was".
Thanks for your interest in this challenge, and for sharing your stories with me!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Hello Kat! After reading your poem "Reconciliation Sestina" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact: I was emotionally engaged with this poem from the start, and felt the narrator's heavy burden of pain that comes with arguing with someone you love. I was reminded of all the times I quarrel with someone who I share a long past with, and how the past replays itself in my mind as I struggle to let go of whatever has happened of late. But then, as I got to the envoi, and realized the other character in the poem was the narrator's twin, I was thrilled by the twist and immediately went back to the beginning. Rereading the piece with the knowledge of both characters and their relationship to each other made the poem that much more interesting and engaging. Great job!
Effectiveness of Form: I love, love ,LOVE how you manipulated each of the six line-ending words and drew on their homophones and alternate spellings to bring rich diversity to each usage. This is a technique I have not yet seen used in the sestina, and one I find most intriquing. You have inspired me -- I can't wait to try one of these myself!
I liked everything about the imagery of this piece, especially the meeting place where the two decided to meet and reconcile being a familiar place with smells that triggered old memories. The idea that odors can bring us to another time and place is wonderful to use as a sensory device in poetry.
Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors! You did an outstanding job with this.
Lasting Impressions: I am grateful you asked why I hadn't commented before now on this piece, because had you not I truly would have missed out on an exceptional example of your talent and creativity. I am inspired by this piece -- thank you for sharing it!
Welcome to Writing.com! I enjoyed visiting your port today; here is a review for "My World" :
Emotional Impact: The imagery in this poem reminds me, once again, that of the five senses, sight is not the most important, just the most obvious for many. I have a sight impaired sister, and reading your poem and thinking about you and her was an emotional experience for me.
Effectiveness of Form:
This free verse poem has some great bones. The idea that woke you up in the night was beautiful, and is already working well here. I thought you could make it even stronger.
For example, I suggest playing with the words sound and scent in the first stanza. They are too ordinary for this piece, and I think searching for highly sensual words would lift the images to greater heights. Just two ideas floating around in my mind to illustrate what I mean were:
The clanging of my dog’s tags chiming (nice alliteration and consonance in this line)
and
The stench of exhaust mingled with fresh bouquet of mowed grass
As far as the title, I think "My World" is wonderful. I would suggest using "my" in place of "this" in the last line of the poem, because it seems to have higher impact.
Punctuation/Spelling:
I agree with your decision to leave punctuation out of this piece; it is not necessary for the flow or rhythm.
Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing this lovely poem! Congrats on being in the Angel Army Author Spotlight.
Initial Reaction: This story was told with heart, and I found myself firmly engaged from the opening line to the last.
What I liked:
The description tag under the title of this piece is so starkly contrasted with the name of the story that it grabbed my attention right away. It, in itself, is a very clever hook.
As a memoir piece, you were successful in retelling the events in this story both as they happened, and with the benefit of wisdom you have today as you look back on this time. I liked the emotional explanations you were able to include, available to you now in a way they wouldn't have been back when you were seven years old.
I enjoyed the verb choices you made in this section:
But after Hopalong we kids were obliged to leave. No “Sheriff Tex.” No “Lone Ranger.” Good manners and Mrs. Knight’s ground rules made it that way. Having the first neighborhood TV saddled her with a sense of responsibility to others. It also bridled us neighborhood kids with the sense of obligation to follow her rules. -- Well done!
Suggestions:
I think the names of all the television and radio shows should either appear in italics or surrounded by double quotation marks -- or both.
In this line: “One of my Mom’s friends must be admiring the new arrival,” I thought. -- I suggest it appear like this: One of my Mom’s friends must be admiring the new arrival, I thought.
Grammar/spelling Oops:
You illustrate a firm grasp of the rules regarding grammar and punctuation. Very nicely executed!
I enjoyed reading your story very much. Thank you for sharing it, and for participating in the Challenge.
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Initial Reaction: This is a tightly written and well crafted short story with a lot of heart. It was a true pleasure to read!
What I liked:
You have a wonderful, fresh writing style. The way you expressed the events in this story, and the emotions woven in and out of the plot, created a slice-of-life story that kept me engaged from beginning to end. I loved this line:
“Mommy, are you listening?” Jamie Lynn said with a frown. She was standing on my freshly swept dust pile.
The first person narrative was a perfect choice for this story. Although it doesn't confirm my suspicion in the list of genres, I imagine this is a story based on real people and events. It's interesting to imagine this told through the eyes of one of the children, Jamie Lynn perhaps, but it surely wouldn't have had the same impact.
The twist at the end, with the note from Jeff, was unexpected and magical. What a wonderful way to end the tale.
Suggestions:
I couldn't help wondering why the narrator never remarked to herself that all the objects she popped into her pocket were rings? It may have been a little more realistic if she'd thought even once, "Huh, another ring?"
Grammar/spelling Oops:
You illustrated a fantastic grasp on grammatical and punctuation rules. I noticed no errors! Also, I enjoyed the sparse usage of italics to help unspoken and written thoughts stand apart. Great job!
I thoroughly enjoyed your story! Thanks so much for sharing it and for participating in the Challenge. I look forward to reading more of your work!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
The words to this lyrical poem speak of hope against the odds, and perseverance. The imagery of light in the darkness, and dreams that are illusions to bring to life, drove home those feelings of optimism and anticipation.
Effectiveness of Form:
This free verse poem of lyrics moved smoothly from line to line. I imagined how nicely they would flow to a melody.
I liked the refrain of the lines four in stanzas one, two and four. I think replacing "it's" with a noun would make the refrains stronger at each verse. For example:
Live a life with greatness
Though it's hard to reach -- I suggest playing around with synonyms for "greatness," such as excellence, prominence, distinction, eminence
Punctuation/Spelling:
In the first stanza, all the verbs are in present tense but one:
Say that you'll never lose
Say it while you're breathing
Lit a light in darkness -- Perhaps 'ignite' is better? Though it's hard to keep
Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed your lyrics -- thanks for including the author's note at the bottom which helped me grow in appreciation for this work. Thanks for sharing!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Hello Brandy! I apologize for the delay between your request for a review and my return to your work. After reading your poem "The Broom Dance: Ceremony - Pt. 2" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
How can I put into words how wonderful this poem is? How much it affected me as I read it? You captured so eloquently the pride of watching your son feel the drums and embrace his ancestry, and the full-circle moment of those emotions as you sat in the company of your own father. Everything about this piece is perfection in emotion and imagery. Fantastic!
Effectiveness of Form:
The line breaks are perfect in this piece. Also, thanks for including the revised first part of this piece, which I think works so much better now. There is an easy, rhythmic flow to both part one and two that I enjoyed very much.
I loved the explanation of the dance, which was offered in the course of the action and given just enough description that I knew what was going on and how important the moment was. As a non-Native American, I especially appreciated this wonderful and generous part of the poem:
We felt connected to each other,
and to these people with whom our souls,
if not our blood, are connected.
It was this moment that brought me wisdom.
Ceremony isn’t a place or an event,
it is the celebration of our relationship
with our universe, and with each other.
We are all related. -- Thank you. Beautifully expressed!
Punctuation/Spelling:
I noticed no errors at all!
Lasting Impressions: Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful piece of living history with me!
Hello LdyPhoenix! I offer you the last of five reviews gifted to you by a secret friend. After reading your poem "Unraveling" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
Fantastic use of language to evoke the passion between lovers as it mounts to a fever pitch then ebbs into satisfaction. I loved this line: Time eclipses what love forever seared. -- Beautiful!
Effectiveness of Form:
The diamond pattern that is created with a chain version of the Rictameter Pure Form lends an immediate visual impact to this piece.
There were many nice moments of assonance (ie: feed the heat), and alliteration (ie: as craving turns to craze) which aided the flowing sound of the lines
With regard to the rigid guidelines governing syllable count per line in this form, there were several departures from the norm. Every stanza had at least one line with an improper number of syllables, which threw off the rhythm for a moment. This presented the greatest hindrance in the second stanza, where three lines were off-count. In that verse, line five had eleven syllables instead of ten, line six had seven instead of eight, and line seven had seven instead of six. Other lines with problems were stanza one, line six; stanza three, line seven; and stanza four, line four.
Punctuation/Spelling:
Nice job with punctuation and spelling; I noticed no errors
Lasting Impressions: I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your work very much!
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First, you chose to convey this piece in present tense, making it real and immediate for the reader. Had you chosen past tense, I think the reader would have identified with its meaning on a different and less stinging level.
) it would seem more powerful with 'small' capitalized.
.
Initial Reaction: There is a lot of heart and soul in this story. The plot delivers a timeless message that giving is always better than receiving.
What I liked:
Suggestions:
I would have liked more descriptions with regard to the setting, and the characters. I thought there was a lot of room for creatively painting the canvas of the story, so that the reader sees, smells, and hears where Clara was.
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
Or, better yet, break the line down into smaller, more manageable sentences. For example:
Nicki
Grammar/spelling Oops: I have a couple of editorial comments:
~ Nicki ~
Perhaps 'ignite' is better?