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Review of My Valentine  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi LdyPhoenix! I'm back with review #4 for your work. In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "My Valentine" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: The tone was very dark from the first line of this short story, although the true plot was cleverly masked by the misleading idea that the main character was simply upset that her man stood her up once again, this time on Valentine's Day. I loved the high tension your writing created, and it kept me engaged right through the end.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Your characterization of the main character was wonderful. Since there was no dialogue in this piece, everything I learned about her was revealed through her thoughts and actions. Her thought about the diamonds he gave her now, in comparison to the gold locket he'd presented her in the beginning of their relationship, was extremely telling of how she feels. "They were cold, perfect pieces of nothing." And this line also told me a lot about her personality: With her index finger and thumb, she snuffed out the candle. -- She came into even sharper focus when I read this.

*Thumbsup* This was a very clever line: As she put the food down the garbage disposal, she thought of her ruined plans. -- I thought to myself, why doesn't she wrap the food and put it in the fridge for tomorrow, at least her hard work wouldn't be completely wasted? The twist at the end tied up all my lingering questions, including this one!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* The tone and tension in this story is conveyed through the descriptive language you use as you construct the scenario. I thought this line: It was a night to hold many surprises. -- was too straightforward and unnecessary. It feeds too much information to the reader, who is already suspecting there is more drama to come. I suggest leading the reader the way you do with you wonderful style and voice to the same conclusion that this line offers, and taking out this line altogether.

*Check2* Twice you refer to the table as "immaculately set." I suggest using a synonym for the second reference, for example flawlessly, impeccably, faultlessly, or perfectly.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I only noticed a couple of editorial mistakes:

She didn't want another bauble, she wanted him! -- the comma after "bauble" should be a semi-colon

...with the inscription "Amor Vincit Omnia". -- In this case, the period should go inside the closed quotation marks: ...with the inscription "Amor Vincit Omnia."

The candle light dwindled until only the glow... -- candlelight is one word



*Star* This highly engaging story with a delicious twist kept my attention from the first word to the last. Great job! Thanks for sharing!




*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of Broken  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi LdyPhoenix! Here is review #2, part of the gift package of five reviews offered from a secret sender. So, in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Broken" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This tale read less like a short story, and more like a prologue to a bigger story. The writing style engaged me, while the plot left me wishing there was more.


*Exclaim* What I liked: The premise of this story is very good. The theme of rejecting regret, and lost dreams regained, emerges nicely from this short. I liked the idea that the main character would find the courage to pick up the reins of her life and steer herself in the right direction.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I thought you could have exposed Niema better through more characterization. She is a deeply conflicted person, who has an epiphany after a series of events leads her to the conclusion that she should follow her childhood dreams of being a concert violinist. I liked that she was able to "play" a Bach sonata from memory after years of not practicing music. This helped me understand her on a deep level. There were other times, however, when you tell more than you show of her character. For example:

In response to her mother's question about her violin, she says "I threw it away years ago. It broke and I never had time to replace it," she replied and lead the conversation back to how Ralph Debussy's daughter was getting married, again. -- This is followed by an explanation of her past musical days. It would have been interesting to know, as she says these words, that she was not telling the truth. You could include some body language or gestures here, which would tip off the reader that she is not being honest with her mother, and herself. The same body language could surface later when she looks longingly at the violin in the shop window, and it could be poignantly absent when she delivers her final line to the instrument repair man, that yes she is a violinist.

*Check2* The scene with the car accident was a pivotal moment for Niema and should be a climatic plot point, but it was given only a few lines in the story. It would be more interesting to expand this scene, giving it the tension worthy of such an event, and including a deeper exploration of Niema's character and her arrival at the conclusion that this was a sign for her to change her life.

*Check2* There are some little "hiccups" in this story where a word is missing or an idea is repeated, and each time the flow of the passage is thrown off. An example is this:

Niema closed her eyes, tucked the violin under her chin, and began to play Bach's "Sonata No. 1 in G Minor: Adagio" with an imaginary bow. She played from the memory the raise and fall of the notes with the movement of her bow. -- Here, you can eliminate the last prepositional phrase because it reiterates the use of an imaginary bow stated in the first line. Also, the wording is a little awkward. I suggest something like this:

Niema closed her eyes, tucked the violin under her chin, and began to play Bach's "Sonata No. 1 in G Minor: Adagio" with an imaginary bow. She played from memory the rise and fall of the notes.



*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Here are a few editorial comments:

That night, Niema went to back of her closet and dug out her old case that was buried under seasonal table clothes. -- missing the word "the" before "back"; tablecloths is one word.

Cautiously, she opened the case and lightly ran her finger tips along the strings. -- fingertips is one word.

'the shiny new instrument' -- missing a comma after "shiny"

Her thoughts throughout the week had plagued with images of broken violins. -- missing the word "her" after plagued.

In the window held a sign stating "No Problem Too Big To Fix". -- *Right* In the window was a sign stating "No Problem Too Big To Fix."


*Star* You have such a wonderful story telling voice, and your work is a real pleasure to read. This story is full of potential and I encourage you to continue to work on it. *Smile*




*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of Voice Extreme  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello LdyPhoenix! Here's your third gifted review! After reading your poem "Voice Extreme" , I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: I thought you captured perfectly the noise of a scream, both in voice and in emotions.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

Nice job with the richameter poetry form. You maintained the correct number of syllables per line as designated by the form.

You established a nice, rhythmic sound in this piece through the use of alliteration and consonance. *Thumbsup*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I thought the punctuation you used helped the flow of the piece, and I noticed no errors. *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: You excel in poetry as well a story telling! I have to take a little break this afternoon, but I will be back soon to review two more items and choose one of the five for an awardicon or merit badge! Until then -- *Smile*



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Review of Sassy  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
** Image ID #1462823 Unavailable **


Hi Pat! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Sassy" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story reads like a prologue, and I think the idea to continue with a series of stories about Sassy is a good one.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The characters introduced in this piece struck me as warm, compassionate, and authentic. It would be interesting to see each of them fleshed out, including Sassy and her birth mother, and their relationships with Jeni and Buddy.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* This story is endearing, but there was no emotional attachment for me with any of the characters. It was as if I were reading about these people in a magazine or newspaper editorial. I think this was because the narrator was not a character in the story. Switching from third person omnicient to third person limited would improve the story's emotional impact.

*Check2* In future writings, it would be interesting to allow each character be the POV for an entire story, so that the particular story installment is told through the perspective of that person. I would love to hear the conflicts of Susan as they come into play with the story line, or how Jeni or Buddy deal with certain issues that come up during other stories.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: The only thing I can comment on here was one or two places where double quotation marks appeared at the end of a sentence, and the punctuation mark was outside of the closing quotation mark. For example:

...Sassy needed to feel safe and to feel that she was "home". -- "home."


*Star* I enjoyed your work -- thanks for sharing with us!




*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of Pain Pain Go Away  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Robin! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Pain Pain Go Away" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction:

I liked this light-hearted piece, although I was left feeling sad that you had to contend with daily pain. I hope that since this item was last modified in 2005 your doctors have found ways to relieve your discomfort.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I loved the sense of humor you brought to this piece. The opening and closing statements regarding the person who coined the phrase 'funny bone' managed to bring a light tone to the seriousness of the story's body.


*Idea* Suggestions:

I believe the act of writing eases the emotional suffering of the writer. So, provided it doesn't bring you too much physical pain, please "write on!"


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I only noticed a couple of editorial problems:

Your ulnar nerve to be exact. -- Your ulnar nerve, to be exact.

Your ulnar nerve is located in the back of your shoulder and runs under your armpit, through your elbow and down into your ring and pinky fingers. Realizing the importance of this nerve was never a concern of mine; Until I mysteriously developed two nerve conditions... -- Missing a comma after "through your elbow"; need a lower cap "u" for "until I mysteriously"



*Star* I enjoyed your writing style. Thanks for sharing your talent with us!




*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of Earning It All  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458795 Unavailable **


Hi Joy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Earning It All" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction:

I thought the premise of this story was very good. It read a bit like a story sketch rather than a developed story. I see that it was last modified back in 2002 -- so you may have put the story on the back burner with the intention of revisiting it one day. With that assumption in mind, I here is some feedback *Smile*

*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I liked the storyline very much. The covert plan to drum up new business on the part of the crooked lawyer was intriguing and although I followed the story alongside Janice and discovered the truth with her, I sensed we both smelled a rat before the twist was revealed.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I would have liked Janice's character to be built more solidly, particularly with more showing action and less direct telling. For example, look at this line:

She was mildly irritated to have to wait for a detective but later felt better when the detective congratulated her for noticing the details. -- Statements like this one would be more interesting if the idea of irritation, and then pride, were conveyed through Janice's gestures and actions.

*Check2* Also, the pace of the story would improve dramatically if pivotal, and climatic moments were more fully developed. For example, the following scene could have been expanded to real time action, and include Janice's emotional experience as she was attacked:

Janice didn’t quite remember when she bumped into the man in the straw hat, but she knew that it was inside the bank’s building. All she could remember was walking along the corridor outside Mr. Sutton’s office as she was stuffing the papers into her handbag. She had only seen the brim of the hat. He had bumped her they said. Then he had taken the papers and ran ripping them.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I have a few editorial comments to point out *Smile*:

*Check2* He was a tall blond man with a misshapen bulbous nose... -- There are two missing commas: He was a tall, blond man with a misshapen, bulbous nose...

*Check2* So strange! What was that man’s intention? -- Here, I thought the past perfect tense would have worked better in the context of the paragraph: So strange! What had been that man’s intention?

*Check2* Janet agreed to meet him in his office on Monday... -- From this point on in the story, Janice is referred to as Janet.

*Check2* Let the police do the investigating she told herself. -- Need a comma after "investigating"

*Check2* “Herbert Mathers.” *Right* “Herbert Mathers?”


*Star* There is a lot of potential in this piece and I hope you are inspired to flesh out the story and characters in greater detail. Best of luck with it!




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review of Ceremony  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello SWPoet! Thank you for entering "Ceremony"  in the following contest I am judging:

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1468247 by Not Available.



*Note1* Emotional Impact:

The message of this poem brings into focus the lost feelings of disillusionment felt when life carries one away from his/her roots, in a modern society that quells ancestral culture. The third and fourth stanzas were particularly poignant and delivered this message with clarity and emotion.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

The free verse form worked well for this piece, that did not need rhyme scheme or regular syllable count to carry its rhythm or sound. I thought, however, that some of the line breaks chosen interrupted the regular flow of the lines, making it necessary to reread the passage. One example that illustrates this is:

and the wind sings in my ears
a sacred pipe song. My feet tap to the rhythm
of ceremonial dances. But where
are the drums, the pipes, the ceremony?




*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

Great job choosing punctuation that guided the reader through the intended flow of the poem. I liked that questions were posed, inviting the reader to contemplate with the poet about the poem's meaning.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thank you so much for sharing this thought-provoking poem. Please refrain from editing until the winners are announced in the forum. Thank you!



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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hello Harry! After reading your poem "What Is Dead Inside Such Men?" , I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact:

This poem gives a voice to all the stunned members of the world community each time another story surfaces of genocide. The poem repeatedly asks the questions how can this happen and why can't we stop it? The answers elude us, frustrating our moral sense as we sit comfortably in our safe homes and wish there was something we could do. My favorite line in the piece is this: How small must the soul be ‘til genocide is appealing? Beautifully put, Harry.



*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

I loved your choice to open and close the poem with the same verse. The repetition reinforced the idea that humanity keeps going 'round and 'round in circles with the problem of genocide. Until the human race can come together despite our differences and eradicate the thoughts leading to genocide, we will all be asking this poem's questions again in the future.

I liked the interesting organization of the poem. The irregular pattern of tercets and quatrains seemed most appropriate to the poem's attempt to grapple with the disorder of hate. I thought you did a wonderful job maintaining the rhyme scheme despite the varying number of lines per stanza.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

I saw no errors here. All punctuation and capitalization was appropriately placed.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: The message of this poem is, indeed, thought-provoking. I find comfort in the belief that most people in the world cannot answer these questions with any authority, and that one day we will no longer need to ask them.


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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458795 Unavailable **


Hello Harry! After reading your poem "I Live In A Land Of Peace-loving People" , I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact:

The irony in this poem is poignant, and sadness tugged at my heart as I read it. It's funny because I have pondered this issue with my husband, who is French. The hypocrisy of war for peace is stark in my view, and when the call to war comes from the most self-proclaimed devout amongst us, my understanding gets cloudier still.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

You did a nice job with the rhyme scheme in this piece. You worked in the names of many countries and still established and maintained an even flow. *Thumbsup*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

As always, your grasp of how to make punctuation work for you in poetry shines through here. Great job!


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Happy belated birthday, Harry!


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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hello Harry! After reading your poem "Pigeons Are Deserving, Too" , I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact:

In everything in nature, from people to animals to trees and so on, there are specimens that epitomize beauty. I liked the message in this poem, that seeing the beautiful pigeon raised an appreciation for the bird and helped the narrator see all pigeons through different eyes. I think this is one of nature's lessons, that beauty to some degree is present in all people and things, and looking for that beauty is more worthwhile than noticing the (often more apparent) ugliness.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

The rhythm was created with the help of two factors: the rhyme scheme and the number of syllables per line.

The abab, cdcd, etc. rhyme scheme brought a nice, lyrical sound to the lines, even when sentences flowed from one line down to the next. Even when true rhymes weren't used (them/him), they were so close that the off-rhyme did not interrupt the flow in any way.

I found some lines read smooth as silk while others wavered a bit, and when I counted out the syllables I invariably found those lines with an extra syllable or two were the less smooth. Stanzas one and two really set a wonderful rhythm with ten syllables each, so line nine's eleven syllables were the first little bump in the road. Stanzas four, five, six and eight each maintained ten syllables per line except for one line each, and stanza seven had two out of four lines with eleven syllables. Below are some ideas for bringing all the lines into syllabic conformity (*Blush* Please keep in mind these are only suggestions coming from a non-poet who knows you may choose not to change a word *Smile*)

In looking at these lines, I wondered if simply removing the perfect tense would eliminate a syllable without changing the tone or sense too much. For example:

Urban sprawl has invaded our neighborhood, -- Urban sprawl invaded our neighborhood,

Our displeasure at pigeons had grown intense. -- Our displeasure at pigeons grew intense.

In this line, "drive them off for good" could be expressed as "drive them away": we could drive them off for good." I added then, *Right* we could drive them away." I added then,

a pure white pigeon, with beauty seen so rarely. -- Tough one... you are much better than me at this... perhaps eliminating the prepositions?? -- pure white pigeon; beauty seen so rarely. -- I don't know how this changes the rhythm, though...

Perhaps with this line, you could try replacing "middle" with a one syllable word: He landed in the middle of our backyard, -- He landed in the (heart or hub) of our backyard,

"He's amazingly beautiful! My regard -- Hmmm.... ?? *Smile* -- ?? "He's amazingly beautiful! My view ??

I was sorry that before I'd been so mean, -- Perhaps: I was sorry that once I'd been so mean,


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

I am unsure about the verb tense in last line of the poem:

I was sorry that before I'd been so mean,
failing to see that all birds are sublime. -- Since the first clause is in the past tense, I wonder if 'failing to see' should also be in the past tense, ie:

I was sorry that before I'd been so mean,
and failed to see that all birds are sublime.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I can really relate to this poem since I live in a developing area outside Atlanta where we are also experiencing the urban crawl phenomenon. The line I that brought visions of my own backyard to mind, despite the new construction all around us, was this:

The sight of various pretty birds so
colorful with their bright plumage enriched
our lives daily. Like jewels all aglow,
cardinals, blue jays, and doves all bewitched.

Thanks so much for sharing your talent!



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Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Harry! After reading your poem "My Sickly, Old Ash" , I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact:

First of all, I loved this poem! There were so many wonderful thing going on at once that together had a huge emotional impact on me. The ordinary moment that opens the poem, of the narrator letting the dog out for the last time that night, brought me side by side with him gazing into his backyard. Then, the contemplation of the ash tree, its struggle over the years to persevere in a harsh and competitive environment, was beautifully expressed. That the arborist sees the tree as a living metaphor of his own aging body was a poignant and emotional moment for me.

*Star* The moment when the major limb is said to be leafless and austere, the emotional impact of the poem jumped up several notches. The lines following that image are among my favorites:

The arborist pruned away its lifeless limbs.
The ash stands lopsided but green throughout. -- I sensed pride and fortitude in these lines that mirror, I think, the hope that a man holds that his valiant attempts to adjust to whatever life throws at him will be noticed and admired.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

One of the characteristics of this poem's form I enjoyed very much was the way the ideas flowed regardless of line breaks, spilling often from one line to the next or even from one stanza to the next. This choice worked harmoniously with the rhythm of the rhyme scheme which was audible yet seemingly content to remain somewhat in the background.

In addition to true rhymes, you successfully used alliteration to draw attention to the most beautiful moments in the poem. Perhaps the device was one of the things drawing me repeatedly to this stanza where the repetition of "l," "h," and "d" sounds work particularly well:

The arborist pruned away its lifeless limbs.
The ash stands lopsided but green throughout.
Hundred-degree summer heat’s brutal whims
hit the ash hard with torrid days and drought.



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

You masterfully incorporated punctuation to further guide the reader through the caesuras allowing the intended rhythm of the piece to emerge.

I wondered if, since this is poem follows a rhyme scheme of abab, cdcd, etc., you ever considered indenting the b-lines, d-lines, etc.? I don't know if indentation is considered archaic in today's poetry world, but this piece struck me as one which may embrace the method.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of poetry with the world *Smile*


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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hello Harry! After reading your poem "Persimmon Seed Forecast" , I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact:

I enjoyed the lore explained in this poem for its glimpse into the superstitions of Louisiana country folk. I recalled while reading it the many times I've sat with grandparents and listened to their stories from generations past. A feeling of belonging comes when stories like this bring the listener into its fold, and I enjoyed the mood that settled over me as I read this poem.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

The aabb, ccdd, etc. rhyme scheme was well maintained throughout this piece and lent a lyrical quality to the lines.

There were a sprinkling of nice moments of alliteration and assonance, adding to the pleasant sound of the piece.

Most quatrains contained a regular syllablic count for all four lines, usually ten. The times when a line or two in a stanza varied by one of two syllables from the rest, I found the rhythm got momentarily bumpy.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

The punctuation marks were well placed and helped direct the rhythm of the lines. I saw no errors here *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed this piece very much. It will be interesting to see how accurate the persimmon seeds were in predicting the weather this winter!


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Review of Sonnet of Control  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



The following is a review of "Sonnet of Control" , submitted as Assignment Three for the Poetry Basics & Beyond class offered through "Invalid Item" .



*Note1* Emotional Impact:

The narrator sounds more than angry in her jealousy, she comes across dangerous, too. Great job creating tension as the poem moves deeper towards the last couplet that explodes with emotion.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Bullet* The rhyme scheme was perfectly maintained throughout this sonnet, and every rhyme was true. Nice job!

*Bullet* The turn was intense and heralded the high impact of the last two lines.

*Bullet* You did a great job writing in the iambic pentameter. Every line contained ten syllables, and all but one of your metric feet were iambs. The only line where one foot had a stressed syllable before an unstressed syllable (trochaic) was in line one:

The third foot was vi-o, and the phonetic spelling of 'violet' shows the accent on the first syllable [vi'].

Other than that, I think the meter was spot on! *Thumbsup*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

Nice job with punctuation. I especially liked the line in parenthesis which seemed more dramatic than if it hadn't been accented that way. I don't think the period is necessary after the closed parenthesis. If you want to include it, I suggest putting it inside the final parenthesis.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: You did a wonderful job with this assignment, Kat! Thanks so much for sharing!



*Note5* I will send you a private email shortly with your grades. Please continue to engage in the weekly discussion. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto Café" !

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki~

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Review of The Peace  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458795 Unavailable **


Hello Kat! After reading your poem "The Peace" , I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact: Wow! This is wonderful! I know what you mean about getting something different out of it each time you read it -- I had the same experience! I LOVE this line: the unfair baggage of the human condition -- How eloquent and poignant!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I thought you did an outstanding job with this free form poem. For the most part it flowed nicely. I loved that you literally stretched the word 'stretch' across the line -- nice touch!

*Check2* I think there are a few too many words here and there that you could play with eliminating. For example:

will be filtered through
the radical
stress
and the unfair baggage of the
human condition -- perhaps you could take out 'the' before radical? *Right*will be filtered through
radical stress
and the unfair baggage of the
human condition (??)

Also: the trait which has been
believed to have
caused
the need to elevate
ourselves
above
the
mundane -- SO powerful! I love these lines! I just think the perfect tenses weigh them down. Try this:

the trait
believed to cause
the need to elevate
ourselves
above
the
mundane -- (??)


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Great job with very limited punctuation and a total lack of capitalization. Both lent enormously to the poem on a whole. *Thumbsup*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I am so impressed with your work, Kat! Great job!!


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Review of Heroes Among Us  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Pat! This is a review of "Heroes Among Us"  entered in the following contest for which I am a judge:

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1414243 by Not Available.


[Comments following red check marks reflect suggestions based on my observations and opinions. Please only use what is helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 4*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* I thought your story answered the call of the contest prompt by defining what a modern hero is and then explaining how the subjects of your piece fit that definition. Nice job!

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the anecdote you shared about the hayride. This story helped illustrate Mr. John's character and rounded him out in this piece.

*Check2* I thought the introduction of Daddy John and Ms. Denise came just a hair late in the opening of this piece. I was looking it over, and I wondered if your story's beginning would be a little stronger if the paragraph that begins, "Heroes don't stop to judge the person they are rescuing." were moved up one, so that it followed the line, "...especially on Sundays and on Wednesday nights." This way, the introduction of the main characters occurs in the third paragraph instead of the fourth.


*Note2* Characters: 4.5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Nice job describing Mr. John and Ms. Denise. You painted them as strong, admirable people and through their vocation in the ministry and work with the Backwoods Christian Camp they came across as the heroes you stated them to be.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the clever use of comparison between a typical super hero's costume and the clothing of your real life heroes. Nice touch!

*Thumbsup* I thought you did an outstanding job giving Mr. John a voice in his brief dialogue; I was really able to "hear" him.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 4*Star*'s

There were some mistakes necessitating another edit, for example:

"sweaty old tee shirt and dirty old jeans" -- commas need to separate coordinate adjectives: sweaty, old tee shirt and dirty, old jeans

One who rescues damsels in distress; mentors young people and guides them in making better choices; and, yes, even assists men who cannot do their task alone. -- This sentence fragment lacks a true subject and a predicate, and the clauses are not independent and so should not be separated by semi-colons. I suggest this possible correction: A hero is someone who rescues damsels in distress, mentors young people and guides them in making better choices and, yes, even assists men who cannot do their task alone.

They are known to those children who cherish them as "Daddy John" and "Ms. Denise". -- In this case, punctuation goes inside the closing quotation marks: They are known to those children who cherish them as "Daddy John" and "Ms. Denise."

This past Fall "Daddy John" carried his camp around the world to Cambodia. -- The introductory phrase should be followed by a comma, and the seasons are not proper nouns and so not capitalized ("Fall" occurs twice in this particular paragraph): This past fall, "Daddy John" carried his camp around the world to Cambodia.


*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed reading and reviewing your work today. Thanks for sharing your talent with us! Good luck in the contest!



*Flower5* Nicki
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



The following is a review of "Dawn's Early Light" , submitted as Assignment Three for the Poetry Basics & Beyond class offered through "Invalid Item" .



*Note1* Emotional Impact: This heartbreaking poem speaks of the pain a wife feels when her spouse is slipping away from her. Knowing an infidelity is thrown into the mix brings the emotional impact up several notches. The line that was a turning point for me, that affected me deeply because the seriousness of the narrator's situation came into full view was, "Too many nights you stay away"


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: You did a nice job exploring the villanelle. Your refrain lines were strong and worked in connotation with each new stanza they appeared in. I liked the imagery of "new colors of the day," contrasting to the dark, lonely nights and "gray dreams" which I presume refer both to those nighttime dreams as she lies alone in her bed, and those dreams that had faded since the hopeful time of young marriage.

*Star* You did a great job with the rhyme scheme of the villanelle. Both of your chosen rhyme families were rich in possibilities and your choices were true rhymes which lent a nice cadence to the piece. *Thumbsup*

*Check2* Although the villanelle does not demand a regular syllable count per line, it is a form whose flow can be jeopardized by an irregular number of syllables from line to line. For the most part, your poem flowed nicely, except for one place:

"I remember when against you I would sway," -- While your refrain lines have nine syllables each, and the other lines generally have eight or nine, this one has eleven syllables. The extra two make a big difference and interrupt the flow momentarily. The next line, and you were my wonderful shining knight. has ten syllables. I suggest rewording these two lines so that you bring them closer to nine syllables. Perhaps something like this:

In your embrace I once would sway;
Passionate, you were my shining knight. -- (Just suggestions *Smile*)


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I thought you did a nice job with punctuation, which guided the flow of the piece.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: You did a great job with the assignment this week. Thanks for sharing your talent with us!



*Note5* I will send you a private email shortly with your grades. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto Café" !

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki~

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1462823 Unavailable **


Hi Billy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Flash Fiction Entry--300 Words" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I enjoyed the sensual feel of this piece. You did a great job setting the tone, and maintaining a pleasant tension.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Excellent job offering vivid descriptions of the vampire. I felt like I could see him in my mind's eye. Also, the moment when he embraces the main character is wonderful. You did a great job expressing the main character's inability and unwillingness to resist the experience.


*Idea* Suggestions:

In the opening line, I suggest changing, "One of the dreams I’ve had that I’ve longed to come true..." to "One of the dreams I had longed to come true..." I suggest this because in the next line it is explained that the dream had come true at the telling of the story.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Check2* I thought there were several places where commas were used but unnecessary. I know comma usage is a slippery slope; some say use one when others say don't. However, I would read through this piece in search of places they could be removed, such as in this case:

Trudging to the back of the bus, I was so distracted by the coffee stain on my blouse, that I didn't notice the strange gothic man, watching me from his seat. -- The first comma is needed, but the next two do not surround a nonessential modifying phrase (in other words, if you remove the phrase surrounded by commas the sentence no longer makes sense) so commas are not needed. The line reads much smoother without them.



*Star* Flash fiction is a challenge in that a whole story must be written in very few words. I thought your piece was very successful. Nice job, and thanks for sharing with us!




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



Hi Kat! Here is a review of "Nonet to the Stars"  submitted for class Assignment Two of Poetry Basics & Beyond.


*Note1* Emotional Impact: There is a wonderful, sensual undertone to this piece which is impressively established in just nine lines. Great job!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: Yes, the nonet is fun to write, isn't it? You did an outstanding job with the descending syllable count in each line. Nice.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I agree with your choice in the piece to not insert any punctuation marks. The lack of capital letters is also a very vivid and nice touch.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed this one very much! Thanks so much for sharing your talent and enthusiasm with us!



*Note5* I will send you a private email on Thursday with your grades. Please continue to engage in the weekly discussion. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto Café" !

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki~

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Review of Halloween  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



Hi Kat! Here is a review of "Halloween"  submitted for class Assignment Two of Poetry Basics & Beyond.


*Note1* Emotional Impact: I loved the clever direction you took this poem. Rather than simply describe the little kids in their costumes, you looked at how they feel out there in the spooky dark. Great job!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: Wonderful use of the acrostic form for this piece. Another clever way you made this poem fresh was to use 'All Hallows' Eve' rather than the typical 'Halloween'. It is little details like this that really transport a poem from so-so to intriguing.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Without the question marks in this poem, I would have read those lines incorrectly. Great job guiding me with your well chosen punctuation.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Fantastic effort! I am so glad you decided not to limit yourself to just one form this week. Bravo!



*Note5* I will send you a private email on Thursday with your grades. Please continue to engage in the weekly discussion. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto Café" !

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki~

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Review of The Big Race  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Leger! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Big Race" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction:

*Thumbsup* I thought you did a great job building the suspense of this story -- an important factor, I think, in successful flash fiction. I was engaged and entertained 'til the end when the full picture was revealed.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the three racing characters, each treated almost as a character sketch. I was able to see "Mr. Double-Chin" the clearest. This descriptive was vivid and wonderful, "The movement caused his double chin to waggle like a milk bag on a cow at milking time."


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* It would have been nice if the masochistic referee suffered a little unexpected, bad karma for making the winner get all the doughnuts! *Laugh*


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: The only suggestion I can make is perhaps hyphenating sugar and coated in:"powdered sugar coated doughnut"


*Star* I enjoyed your story very much! Thanks for sharing!




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review of "I Can Make It!"  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458795 Unavailable **


Hi Jaye! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for ""I Can Make It!"" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I enjoyed the ambiguity of this piece, allowing me to draw my own conclusions and assign the meaning that makes the most sense to me.


*Exclaim* What I liked: Great descriptions about the narrator's physical feelings, and mental anguish. I felt her struggle.


*Idea* Suggestions: There are two sentences that I thought may read smoother combined as one:

If only I could have one clear glimpse of the path. Then I could be more sure of my direction. -- Perhaps you could try this: If only I could have one clear glimpse of the path, I could be more sure of my direction.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed no problems here.


*Star* Thanks for sharing this intriguing and thought-provoking story.




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review of At the Mall  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Jaye! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "At the Mall" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This suspenseful story was exciting to read.


*Exclaim* What I liked: The pace of this story rose and fell sharply, creating an enjoyable excitement factor.


*Idea* Suggestions: Overall, I thought this piece was well written.

*Check2* I would have liked some explanation about where all the people in the mall had disappeared to when the main character was being pursued. Typically a shopping mall closes around 9:30 pm, and is rather busy around 6:30 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when a large part of the 9-5 work force is on the way home. Especially a clothing store would not leave its merchandise unattended.

*Check2* The ending lost some of the story's strong pace; I was a little bit let down when the security guard believed the main character's story immediately. It would have been a nice twist and held the suspense if he thought, even for a moment, that she was inventing a story to distract him from an attempted theft.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed no errors *Cool*.


*Star* I really enjoyed the suspense-filled moments of this story. Thanks for sharing!




*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of Just Look at You!  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458795 Unavailable **


Hi Jaye! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Just Look at You!" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This was a challenging prompt to follow, and your bravery to answer its call deserves applause! Bravo! (Btw, if this first person narrative is completely fictional and you are not the pov, then forgive all the references to you in this review *Bigsmile*)


*Exclaim* What I liked: This "let it all hang out" piece was very entertaining to read!

*Thumbsup* I thought you offered wonderful insight into your past; through comparison between what you see now and what you remember seeing before, I felt I got behind the eyes and "saw" through your perception.

*Thumbsup* I really appreciated the bottom section, where you described the shift in your self-perception. The youthful gleam in your eyes made me smile and think, "Yeah! She's got it right!"


*Idea* Suggestions: This isn't really a suggestions, just a comment. It would be interesting to see how this story might change if the reflection spoken first!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed no mistakes *Cool*!


*Star* I have two more reviews to go, but I'm out of time this morning. I'll be back soon, though!




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1462823 Unavailable **


Hi Jaye! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Green – the Color of Money" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I am growing ever fonder of your stories that transport me away from the present and into days gone by. This one did just that.


*Exclaim* What I liked: I was a little girl in the seventies, but I remember my mother collecting green stamps! She used to let me lick the stamps and affix them to the pages. It was exciting to see a page fill up, and I remember enjoying being able to turn the page and start a brand new row of stamps. Thanks for bringing those memories home to me!

*Thumbsup* Nice job with clear, vivid descriptions that someone of any age could easily appreciate.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed both anecdotes, of Aunt Ida and her vacation to Florida and of your first two apartments.

*Thumbsup* I liked how the opening and closing lines tied into each other.


*Idea* Suggestions: None, I enjoyed this as written!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I only noticed one recurring issue:

*Check2* When a word, phrase or sentence that is spoken or often spoken is surrounded by double quotation marks within a sentence, the punctuation mark goes inside the closed quotation marks. Two of the several examples in this story follows to illustrate:

...would refer to as “rather persnickety”. -- *Right* ...would refer to as “rather persnickety.”

With the purchase of the house I was again financially “strapped”, so the stamps again came to my rescue... -- *Right* With the purchase of the house I was again financially “strapped,” so the stamps again came to my rescue...


*Star* Thanks for sharing this wonderful stroll down memory lane!




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Jaye! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Mother Nature’s Observatory" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: You have captured the very essence of nature in the scenes of this story. It is a wonderful read!


*Exclaim* What I liked: The memoir piece is extremely well-crafted. You relate the experience of visiting a favorite spot by weaving the emotions felt into the powerful imagery. The result is nothing short of spectacular.

*Thumbsup* The vivid language you use transported me effortlessly to the sandy road and lush woods. You never had to say, 'It was my favorite place to commune with nature,' because every active description did that for you. Nothing was spoon fed to the reader, yet I truly felt I shared something with you as you told the story.

*Thumbsup* The impressions you shared of feeling like a Native hunter, and then cheerful acknowledgment that your attempt to emanate one fell slightly short *Smile* really added to the tone of the scene. It made me remember all the childhood times I tried to move silently through the woods -- not easy -- and, again, held me engaged in the story's moment.

*Thumbsup* When you mentioned the caution taken before savoring the honeysuckle, the mere mention of copperheads prevalent in the area created a delicious moment of suspense, as well as driving home the idea that you respect nature and our (human's) place in it. Very nice touch!


*Idea* Suggestions: Seriously, there is little I could offer that would improve this wonderful piece.

*Check2* In the spirit of attempting a well balanced review *Smile*, this is all I've got: Twice you describe the birds as "flitting." This is such a minor nit-pick! Perhaps the meadowlark could (i)flutter, take wing, take to the air, or dart away{/i}.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: There are places where a sentence begins with an introductory phrase that some may argue warrant a comma; others from the school of anti-commas would disagree.... Editor's choice *Wink*.


*Star* I really enjoyed everything about this story, Jaye. You have such a wonderful talent for description and the sensual imagery in this story illustrates your creativity. Great job! Thanks for sharing!




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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