*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hermione1247
Review Requests: OFF
115 Public Reviews Given
293 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm working on it. But generally my honest opinion of the piece, things I really enjoyed, any holes in the plot or characters, things I'm unsure of, any errors in grammar or spelling that I pick up on - if there's anything specific that you'd like me to comment on just let me know
Favorite Genres
Young adult, comedy, romance, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories or chapters, both personal and fiction
I will not review...
Poetry, not because I don't enjoy it, but simply because I do not feel I know enough to give a fair review. Full novels, unless it's split into chapters, for which each chapter will need a different request unless I become addicted and can't stop reading it!
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello again Octavius *Smile*

As requested, below is my review of your piece The Star-Jeweled Necklace pt 2

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, my suggestions are lilac, and anything that isn't needed is in red and crossed out.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

The concept of our protagonist attending his own funeral is really interesting. It gives him a chance to view how others thought of him, something that when he was alive he couldn't do.

This is another good chapter, introducing (what I would think?) is the main plot of the story - Travis recognising the errors in his ways, and perhaps having to go on some kind of quest to redeem his soul.

The story line itself is progressing nicely and keeping me intrigued. Your writing could use some work though. A lot of your text is conversation, which is great and helps to show to the reader how Travis interacts with others. A little more description though, particularly in the funeral scene, would be good. His children attend, but do we get any more details? How does Travis feels when he sees them? Are there people attending the funeral he didn't expect? Does he approve of the decor, or the flowers, or the speakers? Has whoever planned the funeral got his tastes right? Or does it seem like no one really knew what he liked/enjoyed?

*MushroomR* Punctuation/Spelling/Typos/Grammar

I think you would benefit from reading out loud your story, and running it through a spell checker/grammar checker. Is should help with all the pesky little inaccuracies which are obvious to the reader. Don't worry, annoyingly, they're not always obvious to the writer (this happens to me too!) because you're just so involved in your own story, and in your head, you automatically read it correctly.

'The organists chimed a tune on his pipe organ' sounds a little clunky, perhaps something like 'The organist's tune chimed out of his pipe organ' it's barely any change but just a little crisper.

Paragraphs 9 & 10 can be merged together. The separate paragraphs could confuse the reader into thinking a different person is speaking the 10th paragraph (having read it myself I believe it's still the Pastor speaking?)

'brothas and sistas' - Your spelling here suggests the Pastor has a regional accent that you're trying to show, only, these appear to be the only two words you've used to highlight this. I would perhaps also describe to the reader the accent, if that is what you are intending to get across. In my head I was reading the character in a 'normal' (i.e. the same voice I read description etc.) voice before reaching this point.

'My wife didn’t bother to show up to the funeral…that’s understandingable'

'Travis had always wondered what happened after someone died.'

'With hHis mouth gaped open, a silky, black mask covered his eyes as he snored, snorted and scratched his stubble.'

'“What the hell?! Why is he sleeping? Isn’t he supposed to be a spirit or something?”' - Is Travis saying this out loud, or in his head? If he's saying it out loud, this sentence is fine. If he's thinking it, you'll need to remove the speech marks and I'd suggest italicizing.

'The startled man awakedawoke'

'Travis sni, andffed twice to intake('take in' or 'inhale') the sweet aroma filling his nose.'

*MushroomR* Plot

The inner monologue at the end of the funeral service is perfectly placed - it shows, even after Travis listening to the Pastor's message, that Travis still thinks he's blameless and still only sees himself as a victim. Something drastic needs to happen to make Travis change his ways.

I really like your description of the processing room, particularly 'a seemingly infinite white room' I'm sure I'm not alone in saying you've captured brilliantly what many of us imagine a place such as this would be like.

It's interesting that towards the end of this chapter, it's hinted that the 'suited man' can intervene and try and steer people about to die in the 'right direction so they don't die. I wonder if this concept will be explored further later on.

'“I will not resurrect you, but I can release your soul back into the world. Because of your…demise, your wife denounced me and I removed her from my database. I don’t really mind whether or not someone believes in me, but I want you to experience my primary frustration with today’s generation.”' - I think this sentence might need a little more explaining, or perhaps re-wording, to make it clearer what you mean by this.

WAIT - Is the suited man God? It's only near the very end that I've started to think this. Does that mean when Travis died, his wife, who he had a bad relationship, stopped believing in God? Why would Travis' death trigger her to become non-religious?

*MushroomR* Characters

Travis seems extremely obnoxious. He's definitely not a likable character to the reader at the moment, but I'm guessing this is part of the plot. I'm hoping future chapters will slowly make progress on him and turn him into a decent human being.

The suited man seems a bit snappy, I suppose he's not thrilled a having the job, and having to deal with people like Travis.

The suited man refers to Travis as 'son' - does this mean his appearance is elderly? Or do people not age when their dead? Does he sigh at Travis' attitude, as if he's been dealing with morons like this for centuries?

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

I think this is a really good basis for an interesting story line developing. The writing itself needs quite a bit of work but this is something that you can definitely work on, starting with reading your text out loud. I'd like to read the next part when you've written it.


Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


Hello Impurr_fectionist *Smile*

Below is my review of your piece Niflheim - A World Beyond

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, my suggestions are lilac, and anything that isn't needed is in red and crossed out.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

This is an intriguing first chapter, explaining a little bit about the world but without going into too much back story and losing the reader's interest in the moment. It ends on a cliff hanger and definitely has me hooked.

*MushroomR* Mechanics

Some of your sentences and paragraphs tend to repeat information, or state the obvious to the reader when you've already hinted and the statement can be read into your work. I'm not going to pick out everything, but here are a few examples. Please let me know if you don't understand what I mean or would like further help.

Other examples I've picked out are where sentences feel a little clunky, so I've suggested ways to help them flow more easily.

'Behind the curtains, was a little boy with spectacles, geeky appearance, was hiding.' I don't think it's necessary to highlight the geeky appearance when you've already mentioned the spectacles - it halts the flow of the sentence.

'Another young sounding youthful voice came from somewhere above the boy. A little girl with black wavy hair tied up in a ponytail came running from upstairs. She started, looking for her twin, who was hiding. She was standing stopped in the middle of the living room.' The reader is with the boy, so when you say 'above' we know where you mean, and we already know the boy is hiding. She's running, so she can't also be standing in the same paragraph; you need to highlight that she's changed actions.

'"Oli, where are you? Don't let me catch you. 'cos if you do, you have to do the dishes." The girl giggledas she said.' We don't need the 'as she said', because the speech marks already show she's talking.

'Lastly, she went back downstairs and looked inside the nursery. It was taking her a lot of time to search him, but she was not getting tired of it. Her twin was her worthy opponent. She expected at least that.' could perhaps be reworded to 'Finally, she went back downstairs to check the last room, the nursery. It was taking her a while to find him, but she did not tire. She knew her twin was a worthy opponent, so expected him to be difficult to find.'

'Oli or Oliver replied, sticking his tongue out to taunt Lini or Caroline.' - you don't need to highlight this to the reader, if you want to use their nicknames consistently, you only need to introduce their full names once (or perhaps the nicknames are only used by the twins and other family members use their full names?). Regardless, this should be 'Oli replied, sticking his tongue out to taunt Lini' or nicknames swapped for full names.

One final comment on mechanics I will make, is that occasionally you leave a space between each paragraph, but most of the time you don't. I think it would be a good idea to double space all of your paragraphs - it makes it easier for the reader to follow. If you're cutting between scenes (which you don't within this chapter) you could add extra line spacing, or a breaker, such as '*******'

*MushroomR* Plot

As I mentioned in my gut reaction, I think this plot is really great. I'm assuming it's futuristic because 'bots' are mentioned and school is completed on the internet. Futuristic stories are a great way to let your imagination run wild as you're not restricted to the conformity and rules of our current world. I'm intrigued to see where the story is heading, and whether we will follow the twins (as we were introduced to them first) or Ryan (who has a big change ahead of him) or whether the characters will split off and chapters will follow their different stories in turn.

*MushroomR* Characters

We're introduced to quite a few characters within this chapter. First, there are twin boys and girls. The reader is not told their age. I would guess around 7 or 8, as they are playing hide-and-seek. Later on, they discuss the war and seem older than this, so I'm not sure. You might want to consider introducing their age near the beginning so this is clear.

Ryan is sixteen, and has love for his younger siblings which is demonstrated within this chapter. Little else is learned about him so far.

Their mother, Regina, is also mentioned, who lets the reader know her husband has been killed in this war. She's not happy that Ryan has been called up, leading to the cliff hanger at the end of the chapter. Will the family attempt to run?

I think your characters are already interesting, with individual personalities, and perhaps already some inner turmoils/things to over come, are shining through.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

I think your writers voice, structure and your wording needs work in a lot of places, but the overall story line seems intriguing and your characters real. You should definitely keep working on this and I'd like to read more.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello Octavius *Smile*

Below is my review of your piece The Star-Jeweled Necklace

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue and my suggestions are lilac.

Gut Reaction

It's a great short story. At the beginning, I wondered where it was going and then wham, you got me when the guy eating cereal suddenly appeared! I'm a little confused because in your short stories folder I'm sure I saw a part two, but at the end of this item it says 'the end' - although I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Mechanics

There are a few grammatical errors, some places that need commas, and just a few other little things I picked up on.

It's 2am and you mention cars cruising, it might be worth while to say something like 'what few cars remain' or similar, to install in the readers mind that not many people are awake at this hour.

When you mention 'mischief' at the beginning, I didn't really pick up on what was about to happen. I think there's an opportunity for some foreshadowing here. For a good few paragraphs I thought he was just out for a stroll, but if you added in a bit more regarding his intentions, without giving the game away, I really think you could build up more suspense for the reader.

'His unusual presence nearly startled him' - I'm not sure 'nearly' and 'startled' work in the same sentence here, you might want to think about rewording. Perhaps "His sudden presence and unusual attire startled Travis'.

'Travis embarrassingly scratched his head after hearing the man’s words' could be reworded to 'Travis, embarrassed after hearing the man's words, scratched his head' to flow easier.

Characters

I really like the inner monologue inter-dispersed between the action. As it's a short story, it's a quick way for the reader to understand WHY Travis is doing what he's doing. I do think it could be developed a little more; I know Travis has made some bad decisions but it would be good to maybe have some more inner turmoil for what he's about to do, more irrational reasoning with himself, trying to convince himself he's desperate and this is the only way to fix things? I feel like this is starting to shine through but could be explained a bit further.

I thought looking into the wallet and producing the ID was a brilliant way for our protagonist to introduce himself to us, and also his family from the photo.

There are two other characters briefly mentioned, although at the end the reader is left wondering about them, or at least, I have many questions about them. The guy eating cereal is clearly someone linked to death that humans generally don't see, but what about the murderer? It seems our protagonist knows him, and knows him well enough to think he won't be appearing any time soon - there's definitely more of a story here.

General Comments

It does work as a short story, and made an enjoyable read, but I think you've set good foundations for a longer story, with so many directions you could take this in. I'm off to explore part two!

Well done and keep on writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


Hello again James Rowe *Smile*

Below is my review of your piece The Sicilian Dragon - Jack Bishop

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, my suggestions are lilac, and anything that isn't needed is in red and crossed out.

Gut Reaction

Another interesting chapter, that's left the reader with even more questions! This chapter is a good mix of description and action, and also gives us quite a bit more information on our main protagonist Jack.

The first line is slightly confusing, I actually flicked back to the first chapter to make sure there was no date given - have you done this on purpose? If your intention is to leave the reader guessing then fair enough, but otherwise it would be helpful to know how much time as passed, so that I can begin guessing the link between the first chapter and the unraveling story of the present day.

This chapter isn't as exciting as the first, although this chapter is needed to move the story along, and still has a little action, so is understandable.

Grammar and Spelling

A few more typos I've picked up while reading:

'incalculable windows' - I'm not sure what you mean by this phrase, how can windows be incalculable? If you're going for immeasurable, perhaps 'endless' would suit better?

'Heads down, they were focused on their own lives' - see below for another missing comma example.

'"Rush hour" thought Jack.' - It's more common for inner thoughts to be in italics if the story is told by one voice. For example 'Rush hour thought Jack.'

'It was just one of many that seemed to stretch upwards, seeking light in the man-made jungle Jack now called home.' If you read the sentence out loud, it sometimes helps to work out where there is a natural pause where a comma is needed. There are other long sentences which require a comma but I won't list them all here.

The first sentence of the fourth and fifth paragraphs are very similar, both starting with 'Jack' and using water imagery - you might want to mix this up a bit.

'He looked for the tell-tale signs that would lead to him continuing down the street and putting this out of his mind.' I'm not quite sure what you mean by this sentence - do you mean he's waiting for a sign he should abandon his intentions and walk away?

'along with an unusual picture in the top right corner' instead of 'picture' you might want to try 'crest' or 'emblem' (if you're referring to a company badge that Jack doesn't recognise.

'Jacks clothing was on a different league with the other patrons' - this might need more explaining, I can't work out if he's better dressed or under-dressed.

'If it matched the level, he was on there was a staircase at each end of a corridor that contained ten rooms.' I don't think this comma is necessary, or it's in the wrong place.

Mechanics

It took me a while to figure out that Jack had intentionally left the stairwell on the floor below - you may want to outline his thought process a bit more here, make it a little more clearer to the reader that his instincts of a trap are kicking in, so he's taking precautions. You could even add in a story/tale of how he knows to do this, how he's done it before or learned it from someone, to give the reader more clues about Jack's past.

'he joined a young couple who were clutching bags with the names of the latest fashion stores. Their arms entangled, they whispered and giggled as they waited for the next lift. Jack continued past the couple' - he joined the couple but then passed them? I know this may come across as picky but I think this could be written better.

Does Jack not say please to the cleaning lady?

I don't know all the ins and outs of when a new paragraph should be started, but it might help if you read up on some paragraphing rules; there are definitely places in this chapter where I think a new paragraph is needed, such as when the maid and Jack both have speech in the same paragraph. If you'd like me to try and help you more in depth with this, please email me and I'll attempt to assist further.


General Comments

'An orchestra of conversations in differing languages washed over him' I really like the imagery used in this sentence.

Jack, again, has internally given an amusing nickname to a character of little importance. I like to think this a quirk belonging to Jack himself that perhaps continues through the story.

I won't rehash the comment I made regarding using a wider range of verbs from my review of Chapter One, but it applies here too.

Another good chapter, looking forward to reading more.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Hello James Rowe *Smile*

Below is my review of your piece The Sicilian Dragon - Jack Bishop

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, my suggestions are lilac, and anything that isn't needed is in red and crossed out.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

This is a great way to start a novel, right in the middle of the action. You've already raised questions with the reader, mostly surrounding this mission Jack is on, and the mysterious parcel. The reader will need to read on if they want to know more, as the end of the chapter arrives without answers.

*MushroomR* Typos

It's well written, I only spotted a few that can easily be rectified.

'At the front entrance Jack was glimpsed the two officers climb aboard'

'Pulling his cap further down over his eyes he watched as to Moustache slowly walked up the central aisle'

'checking each person's passport and compareding the passengers faces to a sheet'

*MushroomR* Sentence Structure

You have a lot of short sharp sentences, which I wouldn't normally like, but in this chapter they fit; they add to the suspense and tension.

'The one who spoke was wearing the badges of a captain in the German police.' - I think this sentence is a little clunky, also, if Jack is right at the back of the bus, how can he spot a captain badge from so far away?

*MushroomR* Plot

Not much of the plot of the book is revealed yet, as this first chapter focuses on action. I'm intrigued to find out if Jack is a typical 'good guy' or if he's a criminal; we still have no idea who he's working for, or with, or what he's carrying, and it's relevance to the novel.

*MushroomR* Characters

Jack appears to be the main protagonist; we learn a little about him in this chapter. He clearly knows how to handle himself in a fight, and is quick thinking.

I like that you've avoiding giving real names to all other individuals mentioned in this chapter. It adds to the fast-paced nature of the chapter, letting the reader know that we'll be departing this scene soon so other individuals are not important. Cleverly you've given nicknames to two characters to show which one you're describing within actions of this chapter, avoiding reader confusion. Perhaps also endearing the main protagonist Jack to the reader, as the descriptors attached to the police are humourous.

*MushroomR* Writer's Voice

'Jack could now hear their discussions with the passengers.' - what language are they speaking?

*MushroomR* Things I love

I love the alliteration of Moustache and Muscles, and how these nicknames were given with no mercy so quickly. They definitely stick in the readers mind.

'He exploded forwards' This description is great, it really brings across how calm and controlled the situation was before Jack made his move.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

A well rounded first chapter. I personally would have liked a little more description - perhaps mentioning the dark night, or bringing other senses into the chapter such as what Jack can smell, taste, hear or feel. I do understand that it's an action scene though so you may have left further description out on purpose.

'turned', 'checked' and 'grabbed' - your use of verbs is quite limited, a lot of them being re-used. I would suggest using a thesaurus to find some alternatives, it might help to make the scene feel more alive, and add an extra dimension to your characters actions. For example, you could swap 'turned' for 'whirled', suggesting a quick turn, or 'rotated' suggests a slower motion.

I look forward to reading the next chapter and seeing if I can learn any more about Jack's mysterious quest.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of Until Next Time  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)


Hello Wandergirl *Smile*

My name is Holly, and below is my review of your piece Until Next Time

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, and my suggestions are lilac.
*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

I really like the ending, for me it's the perfect way to end a short story - leaving the reader hanging and not knowing what happens next.

*MushroomR* Tenses

It's noticable to the reader that you switch between past and present tense contantly. You definitely need to pick one and stick to it consistantly, as it disrupts the reader's flow.

An example is the sentence As we spent more time talking about this & that, I came to know that he is also not a chatty type, which is currently in past tense while the majority of the story is in present tense. It could be changed to As we spend more time talking about this and that, I come to know that he is also not the chatty type (I've also changed the '&' to 'and' which reads better, and changed the 'a' to 'the' before chatty type, and chatty is a type, and there aren't different types of chatty type, or if there are you are using it in a comparison to the protagonists type so 'the' should still be used.

*MushroomR* Sentence Structure

Whenever a character speaks, a new paragraph should start.

If this section "So, how does living in Singapore feels like?", I asked. "It's great, I like the city, people are good, I love my job, so it's cool". "How about you? Do you love the work you do?", he asked. is more spaced out like so,

"So, how does living in Singapore feels like?", I asked.

"It's great, I like the city, people are good, I love my job, so it's cool". "How about you? Do you love the work you do?", he asked.

It is a lot easier for the reader to follow the conversation, and see who is saying what.

*MushroomR* Plot

Overall, I love the idea of someone travelling somewhere new, being panicky about meeting a host, and then later enjoying experiencing all these new things. It is a grand adventure and you've definitely packed a lot in! I like that it's not just your average romance story, while there is obvious sexual tension between the characters, there is a lot of detail in the activities they do, which I think is very important.

However, the plot appears a little jumpy. For example, a lot of emphasis is placed on finding wifi in the airport, but then she texts her brother and host anyway. Maybe change 'text' to 'message' to make sense. There is also a quick jump to her being starving, when hunger wasn't mentioned previously, and due to the inferred quickness of the long immigration queue, the reader struggles to get a sense of the amount of time that has passed since her plane has landed.

*MushroomR* Details

Some of your scenic description is really nice, especially the early morning sky description and your earlier skyline images, which really help the reader to see what the character is seeing.

However, I have noticed that little details don't necessarily go together. For example, she first describes her dress as a flowing summer dress, then it is hugging my body tightly, and then it is the dress is a little short and a little tight. Furthermore, her host says she doesn't have to worry about the dress since it's pretty fine considering the place and the company, which to me isn't really a compliment, but she reacts with How does this guy even thinks of such nice things to say? which I think is a bit of an over reaction.

And why, if they both had phones, did they have to take their calls one after the other?

Near the start she also refers to photos as stupid - if she thinks they're stupid why do they mean so much to her? Or is she implying she thinks the idea of it is stupid, and she feels silly and embarrassed?

It's things like this that for me, as a reader, confuse me slightly. Maybe you should have a read through and see if you can pick them out and change them, to make the story flow better.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

This story really has potential, it just needs a bit of work. Do you travel yourself? You seem to have a lot of travel knowledge!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review of ocean thoughts  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello fighting my reflection *Smile*

My name is Holly, and below is my review of your piece ocean thoughts

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

It sounds like the protagonist is seriously reflecting on a past love. It is clear this meant a lot, and the relationship appears to have been a long bumpy ride. I myself can associate, and you've portrayed feelings very well.

*MushroomR* Punctuation

I realise this is prose and does not necessarily need punctuation, however you've used full stops in some places and in others have not. I can see in the last line that the full stops are necessary, alerting the reader to the importance of each word, but maybe you should rethink the others, or add them at the end of every sentence for consistency.

*MushroomR* Grammar

The sentence starting with 'Closing my eyes...' is quite long and in the middle the join of the two clauses doesn't make sense to me. Maybe you should consider splitting the sentence up or rewording the 'than watching them'.

*MushroomR* Structure

I enjoyed the second section of your prose, where you associate specific beach experiences to past experiences with the love. The particular links you use are clever and make sense, like the sun being bright infers a special, bright smile. And the association between sand and touch; sand can be so soft but also incredibly rough. This imagery I found delightful.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

A nice, reflective poem with some beautiful uses of imagery, well done.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Hello Molly Volpe *Smile*

My name is Holly, and below is my review of your piece A Girl With A Heart

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

I really like your choice of words; finding words that relate to your theme of pain, that also rhyme, must have been quite tricky. The words such as 'cold' and 'steel' really reflect the characters pain and allow the reader to share the experience.

*MushroomR* Line structure

Forgive me if I am wrong here, as I am not very educated on poetic techniques and such, but in your second stanza your 1st, 2nd and 5th lines rhyme, but in your other stanzas the same pattern isn't followed. Is there a reason for this?

*MushroomR* Characters

I think each stanza describes different characters, who from the outside appear different, but on the inside are the same in that they all experience pain.

*MushroomR* Things I love

I love that each first line is almost identical (and also the title of the poem). It reflects the unison of the theme that everyone experiences pain, and also from an structural viewpoint keeps the poem flowing and makes it look neat and tidy. (I'm a neat freak so this is very pleasing).

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

An emotive poem that really makes the reader think. Very well written, thank you for sharing Molly!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello AME *Smile*

Below is my review of your piece A Sky Full of Stars

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, and my suggestions are lilac.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

This is a short but sweet piece. As well as a beautiful description of the want, and then witnessing, of the night sky by the protagonist, you've added depth and mystery by including her thoughts.

*MushroomR* Grammar and Sentence Structure

I think it would be useful for you to try and develop your sentence structure. Some of your sentences are quite long, and are quite hard for the reader to concentrate on. For example, your second sentence has a lot of clauses and I'm not entirely sure it makes sense by the time I reach the end. Perhaps consider breaking it down. I understand you're listing, and I think it is very important to the storyline and helps the reader to empathise with the protagonist, but maybe consider breaking it down.

Additionally, there are a few sentences that could be improved gramatically.
An example is: When she got past a hectic day of work. you could perhaps phrase this sentence more elegantly, something like When she made it through a hectic day of work.

Also, stare at a sky that was filled with no empty spaces left could be changed to stare at a sky filled, with no empty spaces. Just by cutting out a few words the sentence meaning becomes clearer to the author.

You could try reading your work out loud, listening for the gaps to add commas and deciding when to end your sentences if you are getting breathless. It will help to keep the reader immersed in the story.

*MushroomR* Plot

Despite the story's length, there is a clear plot. A lady has long wished to see the whole night sky, now she is finally experiencing it's beauty, and using the time to reflect on a past love.

*MushroomR* Writer's Voice

You have used both sight and sound successfully, painting a lovely picture of the beach. You might consider introducing further senses, perhaps smell or touch, to add to the reader's experience.

*MushroomR* Things I love

I like the sense of mystery you've added, making the reader wonder what actually happened to the lady, who is the guy she's thinking about, what is her story? I also like that you haven't mentioned her name. Because the story is so short, it's not necessary. It also helps the reader to place themselves in her shoes.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

My favourite line is the last, 'the stars continued to shine, illuminating the vast, dark sky.'

In summary, a good, thought provoking piece. As someone who loves sitting on the beach reflecting, I can really identify with the protagonist.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Hello Jordan Elliot *Smile*

Below is my review of your story Jack's Job, Kyle's Career

Please bare in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, my suggestions are lilac, and anything that isn't needed is in red and crossed out.

Gut Reaction

This is a great story; really comical at times. You're a talented writer; your descriptions are subtle but at the same time detailed and you use some great imagery, and your dialogue is natural and realistic.

Grammar and Sentence Structure

There were a few sentences that didn't quite make sense that I picked up on, and you have a tendency to over punctuate with commas.

'Though, it did not stop Jack...' This sentence doesn't quite make sense following on from the previous sentence. I can see what you're trying to say, but it's a little awkward. Perhaps instead of 'Though' you could try 'Despite this, Jack still tried to shake him...' or 'This was but a minor detail though, and did not stop Jack...'

'...believe that the cold that had numbed...'

'Which, did not seem strange, because, in truth, they were the same room' - Here's an example of a sentence with one too many commas. If in doubt, you could always read the sentence out loud to see where there is a natural pause.

'He had remembered Kyle'

'Crystal took one look at her brother as he returned' - This does make sense, and I realise I'm being picky, but maybe 'Crystal watched as her brother returned...' would flow a little more easily.

'It would not have been be much longer now' - I'm not sure about this but the tense didn't seem to fit, so give it another look over and see what you think yourself *Smile*

'When we went to the backroom'

Mechanics

I like how you've started and ended the story with the mention of Jack's employee of the month picture - it makes the story really well-rounded.

'Kyle’s palm slapped his thighs after he pointed to each of them in turn' - I'm not familiar with the action that you mean, do people do this in movies too?

As we near the middle of the story, it seems that Jack is learning. The people he's thought of as, worthless? for want of a better word, live a stress-free life, while Jack spends his time worrying about what other's think of him. It also seems that Jack is beginning to warm to Kyle - chatting with him and sharing his finance worries. Then he takes a huge step and approaches someone he knows, which is amazing.

But then, I presume, he lies about his business going well. And when Kyle comes in and messes everything up like only Kyle can, Jack just freaks out.

It's such a shame that Jack seems to have reverted back to his old self by the end of the story. I hope he does become a better person and doesn't go back to being prejudice just because of one set back! But I'm glad he quit his job - it did seem to be causing him a lot of grief. Which I guess was the main plot of the story *Laugh*

Characters

Your character descriptions in general are really informative; they painted a clear picture in the reader's mind.

My favourite character description is Kyle. The detail you go into at the beginning, especially this sentence 'His hair was unkempt, uncut, and uncared for' using the rule of three, is brilliant. You leave no-doubt in the readers mind that Kyle is rather dim-witted, nor that Jack really dislikes his work colleague.

It's also obvious that Jack is a bit mean, a bit crafty in the way he manipulates poor Kyle. But it's completely understandable, I'm just a soft-hearted fool *Laugh*. It's clear Jack has put up with Kyle for long enough that he's now run out of tolerance, adding humour to the story.

General Comments

I'm not a fan of the sly digs and side comments that Jack makes about the lack of money in the trailer park; coming from a family that is teetering on the edge themselves, I feel like it's a bit judgmental of Jack. Especially as towards the end of the story he is considering moving to the trailer park himself.

I really like the title of this story; it's clever.

'And at least one of his shoe laces always needed tying' - this is such an odd observation to make it made me giggle. It makes your story more true to life, because when you work with someone for a long time you do notice really random, strange things about them.

The detail you go into about Jack plotting to stab Kyle is brilliant - very humourous. I also love Jack experimenting with the untucked shirt - not needed for the main storyline but a tiny detail that shows you've put care into your story telling, and also gives the reader more insight into Jack's mind.

Overall, a good story that I really enjoyed reading*Smile*


Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.0)


Hello meganleean *Smile*

Below is my review of your article young teens having stress.

Gut Reaction

This is a very good idea for an article - far too many teens are stressed out and reading this would definitely help them.

Grammar and Spelling

There are quite a few mistakes with grammar and spelling throughout the article, but don't get disheartened! You were clearly just thinking about it all and wanted to get it written down as fast as possible *Smile*

Here are some examples of what I mean:

'also have are our social life' - you repeat this mistake quite a lot throughout the piece.

'extracurricular actives activities'

'An And time taken away' - Although technically it's not grammatically correct to start a sentence with 'And'

'be caused my by your past'

'You should also had have'

Mechanics

This is probably the biggest thing that you need to work on.

Throughout the piece, you change the point of view of the writer. In some sentences, you use 'you' and 'your' as if you are talking to a teen, then use 'I' when explaining some things, but in other sentences you use 'we' and 'us' as if you are talking to parents of a teen. This in itself isn't a bad thing, because your article is probably aimed at both. But you should try and separate this so that it's clearer who you're addressing in each paragraph.

I would suggest that you stick to one or the other. Decide whether you want to talk about your own personal experiences of stress, or more general causes of stress in teens. Perhaps your own personal stress would be slightly easier to talk about, and make more sense, as you've used a 'rating of stress' chart which reflects your own personal experiences of stress.

You may also want to have a closer look at your sentence structures; sometimes punctuation or some sort of linking word is needed, such as with the sentence 'let me know what you thought I worked hard.' This could be changed to 'thought because I worked hard.', '...thought as I worked hard.' or '...thought; I worked hard.'

General Comments

You've clearly formed some sort of structure - with stress causes at the top and ways to relieve stress at the bottom which is good.

And like I said at the beginning - the actual topic of the article is very helpful indeed. The content within it is very well thought out; you've clearly covered a lot of reasons for stress and give some very helpful tips at getting rid of stress - so well done!

I'm sorry that a lot of this is quite negative, but I hope it's helpful to you and I hope you keep writing advice articles because you have all the basics there you just need to work on the technicalities a little more *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review of Time Away  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop *Smile*

Below is my review of your poem Time Away

Gut Reaction

This is a really good idea for a poem with some solid advice for teenagers.

Rhythm and Rhyme

It's a shame that the first three syllables in some of the lines don't match up - the second stanza is perfect but the others could do with a little jiggling to kept up the pattern - this will help with the rhythm because at the moment, even though the syllables match up, it still feels a little disjointed.

Other than that, the rhymes are spot on *Smile*

Mechanics

The rest of the lines in each stanza relate loosely too each other - but the very last line - 'Make sure to have paper and pens.' - seems like it doesn't fit. I'm not entirely sure this is a strong piece of advice like some of your other lines!

I'm also a little unsure of what you're saying with 'Stay away from lightly dressed chicks.'

General Comments

A short but sweet poem with good structure. With a little work and perhaps a bit of re-wording it could be even better!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece A sunset to remember

Gut Reaction
This is a sweet little story.

Mechanics
At times I felt like the dialogue was a little stiff, it didn't always flow naturally.
I also would have liked to have witnessed more attraction between Liana and Aiden.
A more detailed description of the sunset, seems as it's one of the main things in the story, would have been nice.

General Comments
This story is good - the plot is great. It just needs a little more work to really make it shine and stand out.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Hello Zena *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece FAERY - Into the Nevernever

Gut Reaction
This is a great opening piece to your novel. The fast paced action drew me in immediately.

Grammar and Spelling
Overall, there were barely any grammar mistakes, I just have a few things that I noticed.
Your fourth sentence starts with 'And' - technically sentences aren't meant to start with 'and', so it made it sound a little disjointed. I think the sentence would work on it's own if you just removed the 'and'.
'Unscathed' is one word.
Also, the phrase 'A high pitch, evil laughter' doesn't sound quite right. If you see what I mean, you either need to get rid of the 'a' at the beginning of the sentence, or change 'laughter' to 'laugh'.

General Comments
The text is well presented - I like the 'blurb' bit at the start! I also love that you haven't bothered to explain things in detail. This has two benefits; you've kept the reader guessing, not really knowing anything about this world they've suddenly been transported to, and the lack of specific details also helps to keep up the fast paced action of the chase. Over all, it's really well written *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review of Jacob's Ladder  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Hello K.A. Franks *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece Jacob's Ladder

Gut Reaction
I wasn't really sure where this piece was going at first, but as I carried on reading it soon had me gripped - I hope there's more to read!

Mechanics
The beginning confused me - the way you write makes it sound like only minutes have passed, when in fact over the first four paragraphs two hours have passed - you may want to make this a little clearer to your readers.
Do answering machines kick in after only the second ring?
There are a few typos - missing full stops and such, but nothing you wouldn't spot if you read through.

General Comments
I looove the deodorant borrowing scene - it's totally something my brother would do. It's really well written, with all the details *Laugh*
You have a real knack for dialogue - all the way through it flows easily and is really believable, great job.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


Hello hopeful_dreamer *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece Destiny: Chapter One

Gut Reaction
Interesting first chapter. It's off to a bit of a slow start and didn't grab my attention immediately, but you've slowly introduced things that I guess are going to be re-visited in later chapters, leaving the reader guessing, so good job with that.

Grammar and Spelling
You state that Mr Smith chuckles twice in two sentences that follow each other - you may want to look up a different word to replace one of them in a thesaurus.
I've noticed Rose does a lot of screaming - perhaps, again, you could find some alternative words to use. At the moment it seems she has a very short temper and gets angry a lot with all this screaming!
No grammar or spelling mistakes jumped out at me, but there were a few sentences that seemed a little awkward. I'm sure a re-read over will be able to pick them!

General Comments
This story has promise; with a bit of work it could be really good! And I'm still wondering what Rose's secret is - you've given us no clues so far!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
Review of The Sixteenth Day  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well I wasn't expecting that to happen!This is such a sad story, poor Tariq.

Reading through I noticed a few typos and a few sentences that didn't quite make sense - if you read back over it you should be able to pick them up.

I can't ever imagine living like this, it would be awful. Good story telling; I was imagining she'd been in an accident of sorts, but I never guessed the accident happened five years ago! You've made both Tariq and the Doctor's emotions come through really well, great job *Smile*

Keep writing,
Holly
18
18
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello Mona *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece I Hate That I Love You

Gut Reaction
This is a really powerful poem that hit home with me. It stirred up lots of emotions!

Style
The structure is generally four line stanzas with the second and fourth line rhyming - I really like this style of poetry. But the sixth and seventh divulge from this pattern slightly - it would be good if you could match these up too.
The rhythm, especially at the start of the poem, is generally great. To make sure it's completely polished, I would suggest trying to match up the beats/syllables of each line, but I do understand that it's easier said than done!

General Comments
A great poem that a lot of people can relate to - I especially love the repetition of 'I hate the way' at the beginning of most of the stanzas - it really adds to the style.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
Review of Puppy Love  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello JasonM *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece Puppy Love

Gut Reaction
I think your take on puppy love is extremely accurate. I did it too - thought I'd fallen in love with people I'd only just met. It's silly now, looking back and realising I actually knew nothing about the boy so how could I have thought it was love? If only things were that simple! *Laugh*

Form
Your poem doesn't have one solid structure; the number of lines in each stanza does vary. If you wanted to make it more uniformed you could work on this.
Nearly every two lines rhyme, but I did notice at least one pair that didn't - 'quick' and 'again' - you may want to see if you can re-work this pair into rhyming as it seems a shame to spoil the pattern!
In a lot of places the rhythm of the poem flows really nicely - if you wanted to make it more uniformed you could always try and sharpen this up by making the syllables of each line match up, but that's only a suggestion.

General Comments
A good poem, a sweet story that most people can identify with *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
20
20
Review of Change Me  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
This last verse is very powerful. I haven't come across a song on here before - do you have a tune and music in your head for it? Or did you write it as you would a poem? Either way, it's really good.

The topic is one that a lot of people can relate to - it reminded me of a song called 'scar' by Missy Higgins. Although at first glance the lyrics are simply about appearance, it's like there's a deeper meaning behind them, so could reflect how in relationships people not only try and change their other half's appearance, but also who they are inside as well.

As for structure, I love that the last chorus is changed slightly, which fits in with the story-telling lyrics. In my head, I imagine the last verse sort of striped bare, without much music in the background.

I'm glad there's a happy ending, and that the person comes out stronger, realising they were a fool to fall for someone who didn't like them for who they really were.

Keep writing,
Holly

p.s. Welcome to Writing.com! Hope you're enjoying your time here *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
21
21
Review of The Quake  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great story setting, and it's really realistic too! I can definitely see something like this happening in our future. And the answer to the question - 'because I could' - it is just the attitude of people today. It's awful.
I might actually use this idea in one of my stories sometime *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly
22
22
Review of My Enemy  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What could be terrible enough to happen to someone to make them feel this much pain?
This is a very powerful piece of prose. I really like the structure and the repetition of 'everything' in the fourth stanza. It's short and to the point - I can really see someone standing on a stage and performing it.

Keep writing,
Holly
23
23
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Another brilliant chapter *Smile*

I just picked up a few typos:
'But she was told that marring marrying Maurice'
'How has he managed to remain so handsome after all these years.' - Needs a question mark instead of a full stop.
'his father’s tower for three day days.'
'like he had done ever many times before.'
'he really does did love the children' - there are a few more tense slips like this but I'm not an expert so I don't know if they work or not.

I'm really interested to see where this is going, you have a really interesting story telling voice - I'm hooked!

Keep writing *Smile*
Holly
24
24
Review of Pillow Fight  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hahaha this is really good! The last bit made me laugh *Smile* And for what it's worth, I get where Rachael is coming from in the first section of the story. If there was a situation like this in real life it would be truly heartbreaking! It's very clever how you've conveyed this to the reader in only speech. Doug is being very mean at the end saying that Rach's work is corny - I like it! haha *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly
25
25
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This story has great potential! It drew me in straight away and there are already so many questions flitting about my mind that I want answered! You need to post more!

However, you need to be more careful with your tenses; they keep getting muddled up. Hopefully if you read through this is something that you can spot easily and rectify.

I also noticed at the beginning your sentences were a little stiff - a lot of them began with 'the' and 'he' - especially when you were describing things, so you may want to take a look and try and make it a more interesting read.

I think you should definitely read through it again yourself, as there are a few grammatical errors - and near the end you have both the king and Tolus speaking in the same paragraph which is a little confusing.

I would suggest that you leave an empty line between each of your paragraphs, so that it's easier for the reader to keep focused, and this should also improve the over all presentation *Smile*

I love this King's sarcastic rant about the good news, especially the line 'Or maybe someone finally conquered the fucking Tibur Island and killed all the damned pirates?”' - it really made me laugh!

'what is more terrifying than a man who manages to grows stronger every time he fails?'is a very thought provoking statement, I really like it!

Over all, with some improvements this could be a great piece. You have a very descriptive story style, and especially nearer the end you really got into your stride and the words seemed to flow a lot more smoothly.

As far as the plot goes, it's flawless in my opinion! I can't wait to read more *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
51 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hermione1247