Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title Olivia's Whirlwind of Faith and Magic
My Favorite Parts
Interesting title..made me curious as to what was going to happen...
Even though it's for a sad reason, the 'osmosis' between husband and wife in that situation is natural but still cute.
"Susie quietly stole Snickers, giving them her candy corn.
Olivia thought, 'That's my girl! Let the boys kill themselves and then you can rule the world!'" made me laugh! That's soo cute!
Although a sad subject, it is always empowering and inspiring to anyone to read about a cancer victim's journey.
Questions or Confusions
-none
Some Fixings
You Wrote:'God, why was this happening to them after losing Gary? Hadn't they had enough tragedy?' Should Be: Since Olivia is thinking it, you should say us instead of them..them makes it sound like you are talking about another family
You Wrote:"...meant less then..." Should Be:then-> than
You Wrote:"...did have a experimental drug..." Should Be:an->an
Overall Impression...
A very good story. It was sad of course but as the reader I felt like I was with Mark. When he struggled, I felt it, when he was strong, so was I....etc. You could feel the heartache, dedication, the fire within not to die, to give up.
It was a very good story that seems to come from some truth. It was written in a very unique way that made it a truly emotional and heartfelt story.
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Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title Explict
My Favorite Parts
Interesting story idea
Good foundation for a story
Questions or Confusions
Where and when does this take place?
Where are all the details?
What's your plot?
Some Fixings
You Wrote: "Katya was a honor student ." Should Be: a-->an student .--> student.
You Wrote:"She study her texts." Should Be: She was a very studious student? She studied her books hard?
You Wrote: "...entered and asked what all the noise out back was?" Should Be: entered, asking what all the noise was about.
You Wrote: ""Their are two blue..." Should Be: Their-->There
You Wrote: "Oksana whispered into katya's left ear." Should Be: katya's-->Katya's
You Wrote:"..shouted at Katya to the School Master's office." Should Be: comma after Katya
You Wrote:"...told Katya mother to drive..." Should Be: Katya-> Katya's
You Wrote: "Do want to play cards?" Should Be: Do YOU want
You Wrote: "Alana openned the window." Should Be: opened
You Wrote:"..cannot denie her husband ..." Should Be:denie-->deny
You Wrote:"..staight backed from.." Should Be:backed-->back
You Wrote:"...Do you need my jacket." Should Be: jacket?
You Wrote: "....freshman classes accept for the..." Should Be: accept-->except
You Wrote:"...student was had to attend.." Should Be: was had->was required
You Wrote:"...smiled and knoded his head slowly." Should Be:knoded-->nodded
You Wrote: "...know you will be wife." Should Be: will be my wife. OR will be a good wife.
You Wrote:"...the road infront of the..." Should Be:infront-->in front
You Wrote:"...speak to your parents; Egor." Should Be: parents;-->parents,
You Wrote:"...make our aplication for marriage." Should Be: aplication-->application
You Wrote:"Egor statement was like a command." Should Be:Egor's
You Wrote: ""I drive my daughter!" Should Be: I will drive
You Wrote:"When Egor left Katya's mother and father tried to pursuade her not marry until she had.." Should Be:When Egor left, Katya's parents tried to persuade her not to marry....
You Wrote:"...their daughter then the lives they..." Should Be:then->than
You Wrote:"Egor face was pale.." Should Be:Egor's
You Wrote:"Katya's doubted she could ever..." Should Be: Katya
You Wrote:"Now, get loss!" Should Be:loss->lost
You Wrote:"...put my service the Party above..." Should Be: to the party
You Wrote:"She stood infront of the..." Should Be: in front
You Wrote: "...toothy smile and knoded nervously. " Should Be:knoded-->nodded
You Wrote: "...about infront the three full..." Should Be: in front
You Wrote:"...back and forth infront of the mirrors." Should Be: in front
You Wrote:"...time to entertain guess." Should Be:guess->guests
You Wrote:"...down at dining room table with..." Should Be: dinning room
Overall Impression...
Okay, so you have the foundations for a good story. You seem to have a plot in play--girl wants to be a doctor but lives in a country where 'independent women' are frowned upon; girl fell in love and was betrayed, so she sees it as, and girl is struggling with what to do--be a doctor or go back to the guy...something along those lines, am I close?
Well it's a classic story line and one that you changed slightly to meet your vision, which was good, but it needs more work.
You seem to be rushing through it all and while there was detail there wasn't enough. As I said, I felt like you were rushing through it and not taking the time to build up the scenes/characters the way you could...
There are glimpses of the characters personalties and such but I'd like to see more...
I suggest, take the time to go in and edit, maybe spice it up a bit and such...if you'dlike I can come back and look when you have finished =)
I did enjoy the read and htink if you polish it, it will shine!
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Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title Narcissus at Night
My Favorite Parts
Great topic
Love the title
Descriptions made the chilling scenes very visible to the reader
The ending is a major cliffhanger
Questions or Confusions
What the hell? lol See end of review for expliation lol
Some Fixings
You Wrote: ---none that i saw Should Be:
Overall Impression...
WOW--let me just get rid of the goosebumps I have lol WOW...what a good, scary, gross, chilling, and for those with weak stomachs-vomit inducing! Really a great story and I'd love to see this one continue also!
As for my earlier statement of what the hell,lol, I have so many questions as to what is the narraotor's story, whose the dude in the chair, why is happening, what led to it, and what will happen...definietly should continue this treacherous story! Let me know if you win/don't win!
Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title Atropps Dwells in the Desolate Country
My Favorite Parts
"...hollering about a figure sketched on the horizon, a moving piece of colour in the light sandstorms that swept across the dustbowl." WOW GREAT imagery there!
"... the crowd screams in a frenzied orgy of fear." again, good description
I liked the whole, 'shot poured, another down' thing you did when the bartender took a break from the story
"...a ripe sun spilt violently over the horizon and stained the sky a bloody mixture of vibrant orange and red." Yep, description again
Great pace--slow but well written and kept me interested.
Great story idea!
Questions or Confusions
"...those three words when spoken in that orders are now taboo round here." What three words?
Some Fixings
You Wrote: "...stridin’ towards use as the crowd.." Should Be: use--US
You Wrote: "...the good lord to take me into his kingdom with ease." Should Be: Lord...His--when you talk about God you have to captialize it
You Wrote: "“Wow” said the young man, his.." Should Be: comma after wow
Overall Impression...
Chilling lol. I'd love to see a continuation of this--it'd be easy I am sure. But wow, definietly wrote a good story here. Where'd you get the idea? Of course, it left me with lots of questions which is why I hope you continue it. But over all, very good. It was well written from the very beginning and kept me interested the whole way through. GREAT job, I enjoyed reading it!
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Yet again another well written poem on a sad topic. =) I really liked the rhyming this time; it was cute and simple but powerful.
Some corrections...
~On the sections where you have a "but..." following, you need to put commas at the end of the phrase before it.
~"...they told my mom, "I have autism."
Since the doctors are telling the mother that the child has autism, they wouldn't say, "I have autism" they would say "Your child has autism" or "-insert child's name- has autism." When you say, "I have autism" that's like the doctor admiting the doctor has it instead of the child...make sense?
~"Yes, I'm different you're seeing that now"
I'm different, you're seeing...
A very sweet poem; you wrote it very well and it was, despite the sad topic, very cute. You showed very simple and childlike activities that are real and very much likely to happen in any situation like this. Nice rhymes and word choosing; your simple words made the poem so much more memorable! GREAT JOB!
A few corrections...
He made me trip, He made me fall!
-->he made me fall!
He spins in circles and boounces off the wall.
-->bounces
Bobby, he's different that's all.
-->Bobby, he's different, that's all.
WOW =) Such a difficult and sad subject to write about yet one beautifully described and shown. For one who has never experienced breast cancer or helped one through it, this gave hope to me and I am most certain it gave hope to all the women out there going through it or to those who know someone who is.
My favorite part is the last stanza =) Just the way it flows and the way the narrator is determined and strong even after all she has been through makes it amazing.
Really a greatly written, inspirational, but sad piece.
Great, great job Jyo!
~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Jyo,
I was bored today,
Played victim to the endless dull demeanor of the day.
With a 90 degree and sunny afternoon in hand
activities should have been plentiful.
Instead I spent the day wandering from idea to idea insearch of that perfect activity that would satisfy my mind.
Logging on to WDC I squealed with delight and began to relax for I had found my day's activity in your port.
Worlds, images, and poems had been crafted before my eyes just as your fingers danced upon the keyboard to write them.
It is here, within the safety and creativity of your port that I spend my day reading and reviewing.
Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title Chapter 6
My Favorite Parts
haha, I was right in thinking it was a kinky sex scene she'd be breaking in on...i didn't think kinky like THAT though...but it was written well. I like the way you had Viv fighitng with herself. Yes her and Rafe are close, are bonded, and in love and all that cutesy stuff, but that shouldn't mean her desires for others be shut off cimpletely. I'm glad you allowed them to show.
I almost wish Viv would've made Rafe and Jon squirm when she came in by yelling or something at them...but the way you went works too
nice ending; I like how they always know what each other needs despite the connection they have
Questions or Confusions
---none
Some Fixings
-----none
Overall Impression...
haha, I called that one! I guessed right ;) Good chapter; definietly shows some more character development. Maybe Rafe and Jon can get a long but it could also be b/c Jon was recently fed off...all together well done! Looking forward to more!!
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Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title Chapter 5
My Favorite Parts
Interesting chapter. In a good way; kept me hooked the whole way.
Haha, I LOVE the Rafe and Johnathn relationship--yes, it's so typical,so expected, but I always find it humorous. Good job.
Questions or Confusions
--None
Some Fixings
You Wrote: "...needing to hold myself apart from him for to protect his heart." Should Be: from him to protect (take out for)
Should Be: Line 48, 50, 54 (ep) needs to be italized I think it's Rafe talking?
Should Be: Are you capitialzing Were's? If so, you need to go through and make sure that ALL are caps. Some are and some aren't. You should be consistant with that.
Should Be: Line 59 and 60 (ep) need quotations
Overall Impression...
I don't Like Leo; something about him is totally wrong.
As for the ending, part of me says 'uh-oh something bad' and the other part of me says 'oo maybe somebody's getting kinky in the naughty rooms' haha we'll see!
Otherwise, a good chapter :)
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Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title Vampire Vacation Chapter 3
My Favorite Parts
Wording was good and easy to follow like previous.
Oh those chandeliers! I've seen them! They are amazing I would love to have one but they are so expensive...definetly an awesome effect to the place.
The description of the room.
The characters mentioned in this chapter seem interesting and I wonder where this will go.
Interesting way to welcome the guests. I hadn't thought that's what would be going on lol
Questions or Confusions
---none
Some Fixings
You Wrote: "Like all smart woman, I hide my age well." Should Be: Like all smart WOMEN
You Wrote: "...project, and of those, none are as a powerful." Should Be: none are as powerful. (take the a out)
Overall Impression...
I liked it; really glad to get a 'visual' of the place and to see the hotel in action. The characters, although not much reveealed, seemed real enough to me. Well...as real as Vampires can be lol
Good job, loooking forward to more!
Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title
My Favorite Parts
Once again, good flow and writing-kept me interested.
I liked how you gave a 'background check'of the hotel and the workers and Viv's relationship with each.
By the way, you've got one kinky couple :)
Questions or Confusions
ep 7,8 aren't working
Some Fixings
Overall Impression...
Interested to see where this is going. Wasn't a lot of real..action in this chapter. It just kind of set up for the next chapter where more vampires begin to arrive, but you also told some of the history/facts--whihc was needed.
Curious to see where it goes with the maid, the body, and the arriving guests. :)
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Hello fellow WDC Member! Something about this particular work of yours has caught my attention and I decided to review it to share with you my thoughts. Please remember that the following is only opinion; take from it what you will. I mean no offense and apologize for any taken.
Item's Title VV Chapter 1
My Favorite Parts
I usually hate narrations b/c I like to see every thing from all points of views, not one characters, but this was well written and kept me interested the whole way through.
The first line, and I mean the very first line, was a hook. I mean, how can you NOT be hooked by a dead body? Sa-weeet!
And of course, I LOVE Vampires. Love, love, love them so you definietly have me enjoying this.
I like the way you wrote; it was humorous yet real and honest and yet...still you managed it to be mature/vampirey.
I love Viv and Hubby's relationship; it's natural, it's cute and playful. They have a real connection and it shows.
Plot leaves much to tell...enticing...hooking :)
Questions or Confusions
Wouldn't the vampires be able to 1) smell the blood that was in the room? Even if the body/rug was removed it'd still leave a smell and I doubt a door is going to keep them from smelling it...
Also, I'm sure they'd be able to smell it from the shed...those heightened senses and all that
Some Fixings
You Wrote: "Taking long look at the corpse..." Should Be: Taking A long look...
You Wrote: "...mate for over seventyfive years." Should Be: is seventyfive hyphenated? looks weird...
Overall Impression...
Good first chapter; I was hooked the entire time and eager for more. You began with a great hook and ended with one too. Good job!!
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L-O-V-E is definietly the theme here--hence the folder lol I really liked this one mainly because it reminds me of how I feel right now with the one i love. hate being away, love beign together, but yet always geother when we're not.
really great job--love the 'haunts me when you are gone and follows me into the night'
I really liked this poem because you did an excellent job at "show, don't tell"--even though you didn't do much imagery words/phrases. To me, all I could see was like the victorian time or something like that. Yah know, girls in corsets, sitting around with their fabric umbrellas beign all proper and sipping tea and the men all 'im so better, im master etc' but it was a really sweet, tender, and heartfelt poem.
Wow, really powerful piece. It's really short, but you have packed so much into it. The reader learns the woman is married to a man that isnt exactly the best husband, he doesn't really believe in her, he finds her thoughts/dreams etc to be silly and childish and unlikely, adn also that he abuses her. And also that she is a woman of her word even when she shouldnt be.
Sad yet powerful.
Great job!
*biggrin* One thing is for certain about this particular piece and that is your unending support for Mr. President. With every word you wrote it was clear that you poured your heart and soul into it; I felt as you felt, saw as you saw, thought as you thought. Yah know that old writer's mantra "Show, Don't tell"? Even though you didn't really focus on or describe anything visually in a deep way, I was so able to easily picture the images you lightly described. A couple images I pictured were: Bush walking down the steps and being booed. First off, I must say that I do not like him and I am glad that he is gone. HOWEVER, 'booing' him was not necassary; it was childish and unamerican. People like that did not deserve to be there. Yes, Bush made mistakes, but he's only human. Any one of us would have made the same if not worse mistakes as he did. But booing him was low and ignorant and unnecassary.
Next Image was all the people. To me, it just screamed MLK making his speech and all the people. It was an amazing day--and so was today. One that will certainly be presereved in history for centuries to come; and I think that you captured today's events very well. Definietly worth 5 stars--more if I had the option lol
Great poem! FIrst off, even though you weren't really trying to make a visual it seems, you did. You did very well on the "show, don't tell" rule. It flowed really well, the wording was exceptional which only added to the greatness fo the poem. You wrote it very well; you took the usual views of hope/despair in a new direction and did it very well.
My favorite line: "Fragments of dreams flying out through your window"
One grammar thing..."Realising again the..." should be-->Realizing.
Other than that, a really great job! Write on! And looking forward to morey Lucky Ducky entries!!
Hey! Review here on behalf of Harley's Writing Academy!
This poem for some odd reason reminds me of a Stephen King novel...well the last stanza does. I can't recall the name of his book but it;s one about a haunted car and driver that drives around, picking up hitchhikers and killing them.
Hey! Review here on behalf of Harley's Writing Academy.
For a short poem and so few words it definietly made me feel like I was the one walking. It's below 0 degrees where I am and I swear that just by reading this poem it made it colder in my house! And that's a really great talent! The part of the poem that stood out most and really caught my attention was the ending, "...I have painted yellow and lettered to read BOSTON"
I don't know why but that was a very real and vivid picture in my mind.
This was a really sweetly written poem that definietly shows your affection to this Dana. She is very lucky to have a poem written about her, especially one that clearly shows your feelings towards her.
A couple corrections however...
When you rhyme, like for instance in this line "Love is our connection to you I dedicate all my affection" to make it flow better you could always break the line up so it would be
"love is our connection,
to you I dedicated all my affection."
I also noticed you don't use any punctuation. Is this on purpose or accident? Not that it really effects the poem itself, but being a grammar freak myself I feel compelled to ask.
Great job otherwise! Write on and welcome to WDC!!
This is a very violent, sad, and emotional piece. It almost reminds of a Vampire if I weren't thinking of suicide regarding this particiular poem. You did a good job at creating images in the mind, even if they were a tad violent.
The one that stood out most to me, was "Sheets turningred as the sky." That was very powerfully and easily imagined.
A couple corections however...
"it hates my life it hate" I don't think "it hate" is needed at the end--typo?
and at the end, "stright a me" should be "straight at me"
Otherwise very good job on form, set up, and writing!
I miss those days of innoncence. Those days of seeing absolutely nothing wrong with the world, that every thing is perfect, all sugar plums and gumdrops and play time.
You did a really great job on comparing and contrasting a child's view verses an adults view--even though you only used a few words. The wings part only strengthened the poem and that was a very clever idea. Especially with the way you wrote it. Great job!
Write on!
...WOW...
This is the second poem I have read today on WDC that has left me speechless. This one though is on a completely different subject.
You wrote it very well and with such emotion that every thing around me melted away and all I knew was this poem as I read it. Now that's some powerful writing. =) This poem is very sad, yet...it motivates at the same time. My favorite line was "Life’s a tape on fast-forward." I had never thought of it before, yet you put it so simply it made perfect sense! I liked how you talked about love being the best thing and how the narrartor has never felt it and every one (as is typical today) will say you're missing out and such. But I think that is for the person to decide.
Anyway, you did a really great job and I envy your talent!
Hey! Reviewing for the Reviewers Club at Harley's Writing Academy!
I really liked the way this poem flowed. I think my favorite like was by far "I am a dream looking for your sleep." That was really sweet, sad, and yet powerful. You really deliever the idea of wanting someone to want you as much as you do, you show that the narrator is in love and wants that person to love them too. Great job!
Hello! I'm Hidden_Writer and as a member of "Invalid Item" and it's Reviewer's Club, I am here to review your work! Please remember that the following is strictly opinion. You are in no way obligated to listen to what I have to say--YOU are the best judge of your work! Thank you very much for your time.
Your Item's Title: Someone in This Room Tonight
What I liked best...
Rythum
Subject
Flow/Pace
Confusions/Questions...
--none
Grammar/Spelling Corrections and Suggestions...
You wrote:--none
Overall Impression...
I am by far a poetry expert so reviewing a lot of what is in your port is difficult for me except that I am just going to offer my opinion. I think that this was a really great poem. I loved the rythum and you repeated "Someone in this room tonight". You created images in my mind with your simple words and phrases. The one that sticks out most in my mind is the dancing part.
The poem almost sounds to me like it should be put to music. A really really great job!
Write on!
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My Favorite Parts 
Interesting title..made me curious as to what was going to happen...
Questions or Confusions 
You Wrote:'God, why was this happening to them after losing Gary? Hadn't they had enough tragedy?'
Should Be: Since Olivia is thinking it, you should say us instead of them..them makes it sound like you are talking about another family
He made me trip, He made me fall!
Your Item's Title:
What I liked best...
Rythum