Hi there. After reading your piece I have the following comments to offer. Please realize these are just my opinions, for what they're worth. I hope they're helpful but please feel free to disregard if you wish.
First Impression: This is an interesting read. I like the way you make the reader feel a bit off-center, like the main character.
Suggestions: I don't think I understood the ending. I get the feeling that Glen is some kind of doctor and he's preparing the food in some special way that helps terminally ill patients feel better. But I'm not at all sure that's right. And then I didn't understand why the character went from scared for herself to feeling okay, but I guess that's because I didn't understand what they were doing.
Also, since the drama here has to do with the character's feelings, I think you might want to highlight them more. I suggest you put some more in about her growing unease and then whatever she's feeling at the end.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: I noticed the word "gazebo" capitalized at one point, not at the start of a sentence.
Again, please remember these are only my opinions, offered in the hopes that they help in some manner.
Hi there. After reading your piece I have the following comments to offer. Please realize these are just my opinions, for what they're worth. I hope they're helpful but please feel free to disregard if you wish.
First Impression:
Oh I loved this! As a mom myself, I know exactly how Mary would feel getting this last Mother's Day card from her son. It was incredibly touching.
Suggestions:
I think you ought to leave out Malcom's name and profession. The fact that he delivers mail is rather obvious and his name doesn't add anything to the story, in my opinion.
If you want to give the reader a feel of the time passing eternally the way it did for Malcom you might talk a little bit more about what he sees on his drive. It would possibly give the reader a bit more of the feeling. Now if it were me, I'd probably be making up stories about who sent the letter and/or maybe who might have been waiting for it. If you do it carefully, without a lot of detail about the stories Malcom makes up then perhaps it would redirect the reader's focus and give the ending even more punch.
I think I'd end right after Mary's quote. The bit about never regretting the long trip seems somewhat anticlimatic.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
The change of tense in the first paragraph was a bit jarring. You might consider changing "I can't remember...." to "I couldn't remember....".
Things I Particularly Like:
I liked the feel of the phrase "the eternal, ninety-minute drive". And I LOVED the ending!
Again, please remember these are only my opinions and suggestions, offered in the hopes that they help in some manner. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read your touching piece.
Wow! Such power and emotion in such a short piece. This was very good. I doubt anyone who's never really been in love will "get" it but then again that's not a drawback in terms of the writing but in terms of their experience. I think, especially with something this short, the reader will find the piece enhanced if they have had the experience of sharing their life with someone. Fortunately, I've been married to my King Charming for 20 years so reading this just puts me in mind of when one of us will go and how sad the other will be. You've handled this very, very well.
I liked how you didn't name either of the characters. By not naming them and referring to them as him and her, you allowed me as a reader to imagine myself being one of the two characters without the jarring effect of someone else's name to be ignored. This was a useful and effective way of doing things.
Thanks for such a powerful piece. I don't usually rate pieces at a 5 (don't believe in "grade inflation") but after having read this several times I could not think of a single thing to add or remove that would make the story any better. You've handled the scene and the emotion masterfully and I appreciate the chance to read it.
Wow! I'm blown away by the intensity of the love in this piece. I like the way it flows too -- there's a feeling of rightness to the way you go deep into the emotions and image that the main character has of himself and then come back out to focus on the two of them again.
Something about the sentence "I look at you and mouth 'thank you' in quiet." bugged me. It has something to do with a perceived redundancy in the sentence. If you're mouthing something it's obviously silent. But maybe you put that in for emphasis and if so I understand, but somehow it just doesn't work for me. Of course, mine is only one opinion, but since I'm the author of this review I guess that's the opinion I'll use, huh?
Anyway, great job on this well-written piece. The intensity of the emotion is truly striking.
This was a really cute story. It read like one of those nature shows where they kind of humanize the animals. You've done that too and quite well. If you have the space (i.e., not under a word count limit) I would suggest stretching out the two days that Pod didn't see Peng. The pace and flow of the story seemed to go to quickly from their flirting, her leaving and then him panicking. I think it would be more effective for the reader if he got to live through some of Pod's emotions during those two days. It would also serve to stretch this part out a bit, making the reader feel the time passing a bit more, if that makes any sense.
All in all a very cute little piece. I liked it very much.
This was a ton of fun to read! I've been lucky to be married to my husband for almost 20 years and I can only imagine what it must be like to jump back into the dating pool again at this age. I can definitely see myself answering questions wrong and not understanding what people are talking about. Very nice touches.
I also liked the snippets of lyrics you included. When this works, it's an excellent way to get feelings across. And I think it works for this piece. Some youngsters aren't going to know what you're talking about (unless their parents raised them with an appropriate appreciation of classic rock) but they're not going to understand a lot of what's here anyway.
Again.. really well done. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
I really enjoyed reading this and would LOVE to find out more about Cara's transformation and how Harry's helping her with it. I do definitely love his character -- he has a very important job to do but doesn't neglect the simple joy of taking a bit of time for a slice of pie. This is very well done. The battle scene was well done and quick enough not to overwhelm the story but to give it a bit of foreshadowing of what they might go through in the future. I really, really enjoyed reading this!
I was jarred by one thing. Where she says “An-anything else sir?” and the demon answers “I will tell you when I do.” It feels like you may have originally had her saying "do you need anything else". Her phrase works but his needs to be modified. Or her phrase needs to be modified to fit his response. Either/or would work.
Again, really great scene. I hope you will reply with links to any more of this you've written. I'd very much like to read more of Cara and Harry!
This is a very interesting scene. I really enjoyed how descriptive you were about everything. It really makes me see it instead of just reading it if you know what I mean. I was curious as to why you didn't describe Mr. Gable in more detail but once I heard his name, I knew what he looked like. I do have to admit to dying to know why they don't genetically engineer perfect women. This could make a really interesting story -- kind of a Logan's Run kind of thing.
I didn't notice any technical flaws. If there were any they didn't detract from the piece.
I think it needs more conflict. More of a beginning, middle and end but I recognize that it may have been written for a slice-of-life contest or something so maybe that wasn't your goal.
This is a nice scene and would work well in a larger story, but it just doesn't feel like it stands on its own well. I guess I just don't feel the conflict is presented as well as it could have been. I think it would work better if you give a bit more of a nod to the feeling of panic any parent would know when encountering a lost child. Not that the adult character in the story should actually feel that panic, but she, having had children of her own, should acknowledge what Thomas' mom must be feeling. I just think a bit more tension on her part would make the conflict of the lost child come across more completely, especially with readers that may not have children.
Other than that, it was a great scene! I really enjoyed "seeing" the other families and "smelling" the hot dogs and the other small touches that really filled the scene out.
I didn't notice any typos or technical issues that drew from the story.
Wow! That last line just clinches it! Very interesting concept and well done, especially the description of why he did what he did.
Personally, I would like one more word at the end of the last line. I just feel there should be some adjective describing how the voice said what it did. Was it triumphant? Or perhaps it replied teasingly, enticing him to want to know more. I know you had the constraints of the contest, but it's just a strong feeling I had that it needs a bit more. Perhaps if it's said teasingly, it means there's more to come. And that would be good because despite what he's done, I really like Eddie.
I find this interesting. It makes me wonder what happened to society to change it from the carefree world of my youth to the ultra utopian place you describe. Of course, in my opinion and with two teens of my own, I can see that we're well on the way to that path. Other things I wonder if I'll find in the story as this continues is who's going to get sick, since apparently so few people do. I would also be interested in finding out what happens to the members of this society if removed from their carefully controlled surroundings.
I do have one technical piece of advice, if it helps. The sentence that begins "It was no secret..." goes on forever. I would advise breaking it up.
Also, one of the reviewers on here warned me against use of the word "was". Your last sentence reminds me of some of the advice he gave me, where you say "youth were vital resources...." You might want to consider changing that to something like "In such a carefully orchestrated society, all vital resources demanded thorough protection, especially those as important as youth." or something like that.
Hope that helps. Looks like a great idea for a story!
I'm new at reviewing so I hope you'll take this for whatever it's worth. I liked this scene and did get the feel of the guy hosting the Superbowl party, especially with his team losing. I think it'd be a lot stronger, though, if you made the interception and its aftermath take longer. It just feels like something's missing there. Maybe you could describe in more detail exactly how the run goes - more detail about dodging the tacklers. Then play up the suspense when the replay booth is reviewing the play. Even watching football with my husband and sons, I can feel that tension so I'm sure a football fan would too. And I might make the kick wobbly, but good. But then again that might just be a bit of overkill. Finally, there needs to be a bit more of the transformative nature of the play explored. He was feeling it his duty to cook at the beginning of the scene but by the end I can just see him lording over the grill (despite his inexperience) waving his fork in the air to make a point about the play or something.
But then again, maybe this is just my female take on things. You know how important emotions are to us. And I know how much they're not as important to a lot of guys. My husband won't even read my stuff because it's too fluffy (translated: highly descriptive and emotional).
Anyway, like I said, that's my review for what it's worth. Hope it helps in some way.
This was a very interesting piece. I like the emotions and you explore them well. But there are some grammatical and typographical things that detract from my immersion in the emotion. For instance, "god" is usually capitalized, especially since you're using it as a proper name. And while I liked the echoing of the "Or will you let it demolish you? Defeat you, rip you apart?" structure, I think it would have been better if it had been ".... Defeat you? Rip you apart?" If you're going to go with the echoing/repeating technique, I think that would set it off more and make it more effective.
I was also jarred by the sentence "But i swear, if you'd just take my hand." -- what? If you'd just take my hand the shame, hurt, pain would be less? If you'd just take my hand, we could make each other soar? Something .... I'm not exactly sure what the feeling/thought was supposed to be but it feels incomplete the way it is.
Also, "W are fearing that if we try to stand, we will fall. But if you really stop and just think about it, you won't." I think you should change that to "we won't". Switching to "you" when the rst of the paragraph is "we" was also jarring.
However, overall it's a great exploration of a feeling. The longing for the the person the narrator is talking to comes across clearly as does the narrator's lack of understanding as to why the other person would want to stand alone.
Excellent start to a story! Upon reading this I truly want to know more -- what happened to him that he almost lost himself. What's up with the king and queen? What happens next? You've truly hooked me and that's exactly what you want to do with the prologue.
If it doesn't ruin the telling of the story, it might be helpful for the reader to see a flash or two of what Marissa saw. Instead of just saying "a king and queen in what looked like a last act of desperation" maybe you could expand on what the act was and let the reader gather that it's desperation. And perhaps you could include a snippet or two of scenes from her nightmares.
Also, the last sentence was a bit out of place. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it but it just didn't feel like it "fit" with the rest of what you wrote (which was very well written and engaging, by the way). I think part of it is the word "bad". I'm feeling that you're trying to get across the idea that there's some evil coming that Marissa can't slow or stop. I would just suggest maybe a quick glance at a thesaurus and a word that implies a greater, more smothering darkness than does "bad". And then maybe you could mention her feelings of frustration and impending doom (okay, so that's too much, but ....) at knowing it's coming but not being able to stop it. At least that's the feeling I got -- that something malevolent is coming and she feels helpless. Maybe I'm reading too much into it or something.
Anyway, this was really well written. I didn't notice any typos except some formatting things. Next to last paragraph, the incantation is on it's own line - did you mean that? And it seems thee should be another line break before his sleepy "Wha.." in the 2nd paragraph. Other than that, technically this was well done and, more importantly, the emotions and foreboding shines through, making me want to read more.
There are some typographical error sprinkled throughout. For instance, in Paragraph 1 you talk about "can take and form...." when I think you meant "any form". In another paragraph you say "It was going to be a precursor to using the tact on humans." I think you meant tactic. There are a few more of these types of things but I didn't want to get bogged down in the technical and miss the joy of the idea.
I think you need to work on making it a bit less choppy in some places. For instance, in the first paragraph instead of "The truth is only known in a few small circles" being a separate sentence, you may wish to consider something like "The truth, known only in a few small circles, is that...." In my opinion (for what it's worth), this would be less jarring.
When you say that centaurs have vast amounts of knowledge and wisdom but never perfected alchemy it makes me wonder why? I'd suggest either answering that or leaving out the "... though never alchemy." part. I also wanted to know why attempts to create male lamias ended in failure. This is not a creature I'm familiar with and I'm guessing that they're always portrayed as female in mythology? But since the narrator of this piece knows so much about all of these other mythological creatures it's out of character for him/her not to know why male lamias were failures.
This is a really great idea! I love how you explained all of the creatures through alchemy. And I love the little touches like the sphinxes loving riddles, the explanation of why vampires need blood and why the mood affects werewolves. You've really got a Unified Theory of mythological beasts, here, even including some real life stuff like the effect of the full moon. It was a very interesting idea to read.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hypermommy
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 5:25pm on Apr 27, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
This review is given on behalf of "