Your Current:
The remains of my only hope of survival drift ashore. Wooden debris surrounds me, as if the ocean were mocking me – showing me its power and aggression. It could have let me go to freedom if it wanted, but it didn’t. Like everyone else back home, the ocean wanted to see me suffer, it’s no different.
The cuts on my feet sting as sand becomes caught in my bleeding wounds. I almost fear walking. I know it will hurt… Maybe I should jut lie back and wait for the tide to come in, then drag me back out to sea. Let the cruel bitch finish me off.
My side hurts…
The sun glares off the seemingly innocent surface of the ocean, blinding me whenever my gaze moves forward. Everything is against me. The water. The sand. The sun. Wanting to kill me, hurt me and blind me.
I can feel pins and needles in my side…
No one will ever find me. If I can barely survive in a civilized society, how will I survive here on my own?
I’m always looking for the easy way out… But I tried this time. I really did.
The feeling in my side is almost unbearable now. I have to see.
The barrel of a gun is wedged between the ground and my hip… Tightly… I noticed the pain but I didn’t notice the gun. I forgot all about the firearm being amongst the wreckage.
I pick up the handgun and hold it in my hand, staring at it. It’s almost peaceful in its own deceptive way. The logical side of me, the honest side of me, the side of me that still cares, says for me to throw it away. Into the ocean. Forget about it. Let the tide get rid of it. But the selfish side of me says to keep it. Think about it. It could be the answer to all my problems. It will be the answer to all my problems.
I’m always looking for the easy way out…
My Suggestions:
The remains of my only hope of survival drift [My only hopes for survival have drifted] ashore. Wooden debris surrounds me, as if the ocean were[is] mocking me – showing me its power and aggression[elaborate on the wooden debris, tell how it is actually the ship, or how "you" had hoped it would be your savior, yet now is not]. It could have[omit this word] let me go to freedom if it wanted[wants], but it didn’t[won't]. Like everyone else back home[elaborate a little on how they wanted to see "you" suffer], the ocean wanted[wants] to see me suffer, it’s no different.[end the sentence after 'suffer' and have the next three words as a single sentence, it will make it more powerful and direct]
The cuts on my feet sting as sand becomes caught in my bleeding wounds[omit]. I almost fear walking. I know it will hurt… Maybe I should jut[just] lie back and wait for the tide to come in, then[let it] drag me back out to sea. Let the cruel bitch[way too informal after the nice prose preceding it. Perhaps change it to 'the cruel ocean' or 'the cruel waters'] finish me off.
My side hurts…[put in italics, it makes it more of a thought, sneaking its way into the scene rather than an in-your-face statement]
The sun glares off the seemingly innocent surface of the ocean, blinding me whenever my gaze moves forward[awkward. Replace with 'falls upon it' or something equally fitting]. Everything is against me. The water. The sand. The sun. Wanting to kill me, hurt me and blind me.[Perfect example of a list without conjugates. Link the sentence together, to keep the drama, and get rid of the conjugate at the end. 'The water, the sand, the sun. Wanting to kill me, hurt me, blind me.']
I can feel pins and needles in my side…[italics]
No one will ever find me. [addition: No boat, plane, person, friend. No one.' It will parallel the earlier sentence, and add a sense of thought and urgency in the thoughts] If I can barely survive in a civilized society, how will[replace with: could] I survive here on my own?
I’m[this particular part needs past tense] always looking for the easy way out… But I tried this time. I really did.
The feeling in my side is almost unbearable now. I have to see.
[had to stop reviewing past this point. Thanksgiving events, and all. Have a wonderful holiday!]
The barrel of a gun is wedged between the ground and my hip… Tightly… I noticed the pain but I didn’t notice the gun. I forgot all about the firearm being amongst the wreckage.
I pick up the handgun and hold it in my hand, staring at it. It’s almost peaceful in its own deceptive way. The logical side of me, the honest side of me, the side of me that still cares, says for me to throw it away. Into the ocean. Forget about it. Let the tide get rid of it. But the selfish side of me says to keep it. Think about it. It could be the answer to all my problems. It will be the answer to all my problems.
I’m always looking for the easy way out…
You begin in present tense, yet switch in and out of past and present. Underlined portions include the conflicting portions. Bold brackets include suggestions.
Italicized portions followed by not-bold brackets indicate grammatical or other suggestions. |
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