Very good chapter! I don't trust Thomas yet...why is he so chilly? Red Bird and Tal Natha are great to see again, but why couldn't they sense that she was back on the island? The twins couldn't sense her either and all seemed confused about her arrival on the island. What is going on? I'll bet the next chapter has some of the answers in it...
Good chapter! You've got me wondering who this Thomas person is and whether or not he is connected to the native with the big staff.
Here are a few things I noticed while reading:
He had sandy blond hair that parted in the middle and fell down a little to frame his face, and pale blue eyes. It might be a little neater to put the pale blue eyes description first, then go into how the hair frames his face. It's a little confusing as it stands now.
Charmian made sure her pack was secured properly and that she hadn't dropped anything while Thomas saddled the horse, Cloud flicking his tail absently as he did so. Change the comma to a semicolon and change flicking to flicked.
She sat atop Cloud, while Thomas gathered the rest of his belongings, and rubbed her arms as if a cold wind had brushed past her.
Hi there! This chapter is really good. I like the way Charmian reacts to all the changes in her beloved island. I also like the way you end the chapter with something happening to her that the reader must leap into the next chapter to resolve...
Here is one technicality I found while reading:
"Why do I even bother?" she groused aloud as she went, up the slope and back toward the treeline. Delete the comma.
I like the way you intertwine the dream of the man and that of the woman in this poem! It is really a fascinating study of just whose dream the action is taking place in. I like this poem a lot!
You take the reader from seeing what appears to be a real person to viewing an image from afar. I like that cinematic quality of this poem.
This is a really cool, fun piece to read!! I love satirical grammar lessons! And, you are right...there are far to many people out there who should know better who are careless about the way in which they put words together. Your use of hyperbole makes this piece funny and a delightfully memorable lesson.
Another thing that drives me crazy is the would of, could of, should of thang! It makes me bazonkers whenever I see someone using those thangs instead of would've, could've, should've. Does that get your goat, too??
Here are a couple of truly minor things that I noticed while reading:
After all, who says “this glass has fewer water in it than it used to”? The question mark goes inside the quotation marks.
Very nice haiku! I love the first two lines since they reveal that the rain does more than just fall on us and ruin our day The last line gets the reader thinking, and that is exactly what the last line of a haiku is supposed to do! Good work!
Very nicely written poem, Tracey! It is soothing in its flow and message, and you have captured the feeling every Christian should have when thinking about what Christ went through when he died for our sins. Beautiful work!
This small poem certainly has a lot to say. The speaker seems like a very strong person who is able to face life's woes and come out on top. This is not someone who is squimish or who shrinks away from a challenge.
I like this chapter a lot! Your depiction of Assie is really coming together. The relationship between Assie and Aeres is getting stronger, too. I like the way you show Assie's confusion over who the young boy is...you don't merely tell us about it, you show us what she is going through as she tries to remember and yet not remember.
Here are a few things that I noticed while I read:
My mind didn’t stop. It was shriveling like a prune under the unveiling the Eye, leaking liquid salt from some underground sea in me where gnomes lived. The first part of this sentence is very confusing. Maybe try breaking it up into two sentences with a period replacing the comma.
Why you do the things you do, and why you do it your whyway and all that s***.
I blew out the blood of the stranger from my nose, wiped her woes from my eyes, feed it all to the toilet, and let had it swallow it to somewhere else. Another confusing sentence. It gets confusing after the word "toilet."
I’m am me, but I’m a ghost.
At a thought, I laughed change to: As I thought about it, I laughed
This story has really taken shape! I love the character Hazel, but I feel a little cheated that I haven't gotten to get to know the other characters she is with or know why she is travelling with them. You have a very good flashback to the past in this piece.
Here are a few minor technicalities I noticed while reading:
A time when she the hole in her heart she patched over had not been there. Confusing sentence
She pulled off the shapeless hadhat that adorned her head, pulling off with it the long honey blonde wig.
She would not wake the others, would not let them see her this weak, would not let them offer contempt ofcontemptible comfort.
Who had declared herself Queen of the Lealoa’fey and Ruler of all the Realm and had opened the gates to those banished so that they could server as her army. This is a clause, not a sentence. You need to connect it with a comma to the previous sentence.
Plum that had once been Fern Leaflighter, beloved only daughter of Fur and Hazel Leaflighter.
This is a very good chapter! I like the interaction between Alice and Aeres. They are both taking shape as 3-d characters. However, I am still confused about why Alice feels the need to sneak out of her house late at night to see Aeres. I guess this will be explained later in the book...
Here are a few things I noticed while reading:
My stellar strolling star siblings were sad and they were secluding themselves behind a curtain of clouds to show their sorrow in silence. very nicely stated!
Keep right on writing!!
They didn't wanna talk to me tonightthat night.
That made the sweat on my skin a bit more drier but butterflies burst forth in my stomach.
One person gone’ll set us back a long time. Innocent not there’llthey'll set us back the whole freakin’ day.
This is a very good prologue to your book. It sets the tone for things to come and explains just enough to make the reader want to keep reading to learn more. The characters a bit fuzzy yet, but that is to be expected...they should become more three-dimensional as the story progresses.
This story sounds like it is going to make a good novel.
Danny's fear of Roberto is palpable, but it isn't clear yet why he is living with his father instead of his mother. If Roberto hates him so much, why did he take Danny in in the first place?
Roberto doesn't seem human to me. Rather, he seems like a vicious animal who is too crazed to recognize its own offspring.
Nigel is still very shadowy. If he is to be a main character, you might want to have him meet with Roberto who calls in Danny for a confrontation with his accuser. This would show a stronger differentiation between skinny, scrawny Danny and his more macho, well-coordinated cousin.
As far as setting goes, I know that we are in some sort of warehouse, but what kind and where, I have no idea at this point...I am assuming that Danny doesn't know either, and that the answers will unfold as he finds out, so it is fine for the setting to be somewhat confusing here.
Over all, these things that I have mentioned are minor and easily worked out. I like this story and am eager to read more!
The new characters you introduce here are nicely drawn. The two Scavvies are interesting. The Rippers seem really terrifying, and I know that I would not want to meet them at any time of the day.
Here are a couple of things that I noticed while reading:
animal teeth were attatched at random intervlasintervals along the weave
He was far from hungry, but he managed to finish the bowl andof gruel and turned down Chichinotzin's offer of a refill
The storyline seems to be firming itself up in this chapter. I like the barkeep a lot, and the horse certainly has a personality of its own. I am intrigued by all of the strange creatures and can't wait to find out who they all are, how they came to be in this place, and what Rygel is either running from or two.
Here are a few things that I noticed as I read:
and two other rectangular shelters which looked ready to cough up their dusty innards and succumb to the cancer of inactivity. nice image
At first I had no idea what was going on, but then as the action picked up, I began to form a shadowy idea of what was happening. I still want to know more about who this man is with Strider and why the three Outsiders attacked him and why he is in this God-forsaken desert in the first place, but I'm sure that will become clearer as I read through the chapters to come.
Here are some things I noticed while reading:
and a useless automatic pistol from an old Scavvie who'swhose eyes were inked in cataract blue
lettingallowing a thin dribble of snot to clump the sand between his hooves
This story has lots of potential as an adventure story for children. However, as it stands now, the reader is on the outside looking into Bobby's world of books. Instead of telling the story, why not show some of what goes on in Bobby's mind when he cracks open the binding of a brand new library book and embarks on an adventure with some pirates? Let us feel and see and hear what he does while on his adventures. Use lots of sensory details to make the reader share Bobby's experience. This will definitely bring the story to life and lift it right off the page.
Here are a few minor things that I noticed as I read:
There the little boy would find books on every subject that could interest this very shy and impressionable kid simply by searching the tall, well-stocked shelves revise as follows: There the very shy, impressionable little boy would find books on every subject that could possibly be of interest to him by searching the tall, well-stocked shelves.
TheBobby's first recollection of library visits beginsbegan with a walk through the heavy wooden doors with their large glass windows where, painted in gold letters, the solitary word “Library” was stenciled
You are working on a very good story here! Revise it a bit and see where those sensory details and descriptions from Bobby's POV take you...
I like this poem! I felt as if I were caught in a whirlpool, spinning 'round and 'round as I read this piece. I think the thing that gave me the greatest sense of confusion as a reader is that I have no clue what the speaker is confused and feels chaotic about. And, I'm not sure if adding in a few clues would lessen that whirling feeling or not...you might want to experiment and see what happens when you add some hints for the reader...does it help or hinder the sense of confusion??
Very lovely poem. It is definitely a prayer to live by. I'm just wondering why you slipped into prose at the end instead of continuing in poetic form. Your words in the second part would easily lend themselves to a continuation of the format you set in stanza #1.
Thank you for sharing this poetic prayer with me! It has definitely inspired me to think more about the direction that I want to head for in my life.
Very cute story!! You know, I was hoping that in the end, some of the magic would turn the old cat into a well-groomed, well-loved, if not younger version of herself. In any case, I was happy to see that she does end up much better off than when she was forever wandering the countryside
Here are a few minor technical things that I noticed as I read your piece:
would buy a bouquet to sitset on the table
disappearing from their sitesight --do you mean from their location or from their line of vision?
Wow!! I love this story!! Just think what that dragon could do if it got into Fort Knox!!! hee
The only thing I wish I knew more about was the main character who owns the box and the dragon. What was her life like before the dragon? What dreams does she have that the dragon might assist in making real?
Excellent little poem!! Your dialogue between the child and the mirror is magical in and of itself You really captured the innocence of the child and the gentle expression of experience from the mirror.
Great job!!
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The last line gets the reader thinking, and that is exactly what the last line of a haiku is supposed to do! Good work!
