I truly got chills reading this story! I hate wasps and other stinging things with a passion, and I can readily sympathize with Ralph. All he wanted was a relaxing evening in the privacy of his own home, and what did he get? An invasion of wacked out accupuncuturists, hell-bent on wreaking pain and injury! Very nicely written piece!
Here are a few things I noticed while reading your story:
“f*** me!” Ralph screamed while simultaneously jumping backward, catching his foot on the discarded shoe laying in the middle of the floor and falling heavily to the ground, Why did Ralph scream like this? What did he see? Did he spray the wasp(s)? How many were there?
he managed to dash face first into the side of the ajar door, bloodying his nose and splitting open his lip, plus, bruising his left cheek;
If it had been a bee Ralph was dealing with, the second sting never would have camecome,
Ralph’s slap barely grazed the creature's body, but it touched it enough to piss it off even more.
Ralph ran madly toward the kitchen, flayingflailing his hands above his head
his constant flayingflailing and screaming just continued to anger the beast.
One final scream of terror and three minutes of flayingflailing and dancing and Ralph’s bout with his phobia had come to a conclusion.
Wow! I never would have guessed that Shadow Water was Moon Wolf's child! This section of the chapter reveals a lot of what went on in the first novel and makes a lot of things clear that weren't so before. It also gives Charmian good reason to become as self-righteous as she does here, but didn't Moon Wolf protect her from Ocryana and by his death he did help to set in motion all the events that set Shadow Water free of her mother's domination. I hope that Charmian is able to calm down and be on friendly terms with her mentor once again.
You have a very poignant scene between Mani and Charmian right at the start of the chapter, and I could really feel the emotional attachment these two characters have for each other. It goes much deeper than a shared piece of spirit stone, and that was very obvious here. Nice job!
Manabozho's reaction to Charmian's mention of bringing his brothers alone brings out his true nature as being part manatou. It is nice to see him showing some spunk rather than just poofing into rabbit form and hopping away.
Marten is a really annoying little necessity, isn't he! He is the perfect pain in the butt who has all the know-how that the others need. Very nicely written!
You absolutely had my heart racing as I paced the room with your character and felt his body ripping itself further and further out of his control. I wanted to reach out and help him, but was helpless to do so! Great job!!
Here are a few things that I noticed as I read your piece:
Finally he felt his grip on the armchair relax, thehis fingers fell slack.
He was pacingpaced, up and down and back again. He could heard nothing but his own breath. Keep the verbs active so as to not let the action slack off
He was likeresembled a treadmill turned on overdrive.
There was aA sudden sharp pain caught him behind histhe eyelids, and one of the shadowy figures touched him.
His head collapsed in on itself, and he was fallingfell backwards.
He couldn’t breathe, each gasp wasproduced a needle-sharp pain in his throat.
Just watch out for those passive verbs that keep slipping into your writing. They tend to slow down the action and interfer with the rapid pacing you worked so hard here to create.
I really enjoyed reading this piece and feel as if it is part of a longer story. If you do incorporate it into a longer piece, please let me know since I would be more than happy to see what kind of a story you would couch this situation in!
Great job!! Glooskap seemed to be hedging about helping Charmian, but I'm glad that he will help if Charmian can take care of Chakenapok first. But, I thought Chakenapok wasn't the problem. Why does Chakenapok need to be defeated when he was asking for help to be released from whatever had taken over his spirit stone? Wouldn't defeating him sort of defeat the purpose?
Whoa!! This series just keeps getting better and better! I'm not sure this Glooskap character is all that the other characters crack him up to be. I am under the impression that he has been deceived by Malsum, while Charmian could see that Malsum had not been as "trapped" as Glooskap thought he was.
Here is something that I noticed while reading...
She lowered her arms and she and Mani stared at the odd glowing shape in curiosity until the sparkles puffed loose,and as if blown off by a breeze, and evaporated, and Charmian found herself staring at...a middle-aged native man in a business suit.
I honestly can't wait to start reading the next part!!
I like this piece! I particularly like the way the first stanza is a bit choppy while the speaker is looking to find her way, and then, it smooths out in the second and third stanzas as the speaker becomes a follower of Isis and falls into step with her teachings.
Very nicely done! I enjoyed reading this piece, and my favorite part is the last stanza because of the metaphor riding becomes for living. The only thing that I would think about with this piece is that much of it tells the reader about what is occurring rather than showing it image by image. You would have a richer, more powerful poem if you sought out images to show the reader and let the reader find out what the message is from the juxtaposition of them.
Keep right on writing, and good luck in the contest!
Yes, you have hit the nail on the head here! But how do we vaccinate kids against this ailment called racism? -- or any other -ism for that matter?? It is truly a dilemma for our society to solve.
Very interesting presentation of your fruit basket self!! I love it! You chose a very restrictive format in which to couch your ideas, and you presented them very clearly and concisely!
Wow! This piece sends a powerful message to us readers about how we should treat others like there is no possibility of living tomorrow.
I like the way you describe the lack of knowing between the main character and her mother, but I would also like to know more about how the main character personally felt knowing that Mom's last vision was that of the speaker's hate-twisted face. Is there remorse here? The ending leaves it open as to whether the speaker is feeling remorse or a sense of thrill that a hatred so powerful will never come again.
Whoa! What an incredible character Glooskap is! He is most definitely larger than life! How will Charmian ever find her voice to talk to him?
I like the glowing cobwebs, but how did Charmian know to that her dreammaker might contain the same glowing threads? I just remember her being told that some of its threads were spider web threads in an earlier chapter.
Good poem! I like the way you talk about colors in the sunset in the poem and you used a rainbow of colors to identify the acrostic phrase at the beginning of each line.
While I like the poem, I didn't get a real sense of how the given phrase fits in with the poem. Is the speaker standing in the water up to his/her waist? Does he/she feel cold? Is the speaker granted an inner warmth after seeing such a beautiful sight?
I think I'd freak out if I saw someone staring in at me through my window!! Aside from the fact that he'd have to be 12 feet tall, he'd really have to work at getting up to my window...maybe by sitting on my neighbor's fence, and now what kind of a lunatic would do a thing like that?? See why I'd be scared!!
On a more serious note, here are a few things I noticed while reading your poem:
Freaky eye'seyes are aglow. Only use the apostrophe "s" with a noun to show possession, not for plurals.
TruelyTruly, I'm a freak,
You'de think I was complete delete the "e" at the end of the first word.
Vision's of her sleeping, delete the apostrophe
And the best pill'spills that I can find.
Even I have a set of larger shoe'sshoes to fill.
Take me to you'reyour house for tea, Here, the contraction "you're" means "you are," and it doesn't fit with the sentence's context. Rather, you need the possessive "your."
This is certainly one sick individual who is speaking. I do not want to catch whatever bug he/she has, and I hope it is not contagious!! Yuck, you really bring up a nauseating subject here hee!
Here are a few grammatical issues that I noticed while reading your piece:
Is a rather awfull mess, delete the second "l" in "awfull."
Shall I bloat my cheek's? delete the apostrophe since it is not needed here.
Ready for the new's, delete the apostrophe since it is not needed here.
Even I can read the clue's. delete the apostrophe since it is not needed here.
NO! I scream out loud, it's landed on my shoe'sshoes!
Whoa! This one is surely a stinker I like the way you use repetition to say absolutely nothing of interest to the reader ... hee!! Have fun with the rest of the decathlon!!
Fibromyalgia certainly sounds like a very nasty ailment. It is hard to believe that doctors don't think it is a real affliction! What will it take to convince them -- having them get the disease themselves...maybe. Arggghhh, it makes me mad when they treat patients without respect like that!
Your poem is a real eye opener for someone like me who does not have the condition you describe. Thank you for sharing it with us.
The only change I would make is in the second to last line where I would replace "you" with "I" to keep the whole poem in the same person.
You got a one star rating, my friend The subject matter, while true, is truly yucky enough to rate a single star Not a particularly pleasing view of summer fun, is it...hee
Really intriguing chapter! I like the way Charmian used psychology to outfox the little critter who had stolen her things. Very neat manipulation of a creature who could help her to achieve her goal.
How had Manabozho gotten his beads? And, why is the little critter so obnoxious to Manabozho and Charmian?
The ending once again makes me want to continue reading to see what will happen next. You are truly the master of the cliffhanger chapter ending!!
I like the song lyrics that you inserted at the start of this chapter. The sort of echo and predict what is going on, all at the same time.
I also like the shape-changing critter that steals Charmian's dreamcatcher at the end of the chapter. It is another of your famous unexpected twists that makes the reader want to get on to the next chapter as quickly as possible.
Here is something that I noticed while reading your chapter:
Charmian gasped and leapt back, kicking at the water as she did so so it splashed around her. The use of the double so here draws attention to itself. See if you can reword this sentence to eliminate it.
This sequel is just as much of a page turner as the original was!!
Nice poem, and congrats on winning an honorable mention in the contest
Here are some things that I noticed while reading:
as nature wakes up with a bristling sound -- This line makes it sound like nature awoke to some unpleasant, scary noise...you may want to change bristling to bustling or something else that is not so abrasive as bristling.
as its roots dig deeper into Mother Earth -- Instead of the slightly harsh image of the roots digging into Mother Earth, how about "as its roots tenderly suckle on Mother Earth?"
The flowers open their petals with a yawn,
while the butterflies fly all around -- Nice image
Keep right on writing
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