Wonderful!! Charmian manages to convince all of her friends to go with her, and I get the feeling that they are going to be successful in their quest to deal with Chakenapok and Malsum.
Mani's reaction to being in the tree is quite a tribute to Geezhigo-Quae, and her kindness in return shows that she is honored to have such a respectful manitou in her presence. Nice touch!
Here are a few things that I noticed while I read this chapter:
She forced herself to take a breath and let it out, then realized she was gripping the cowrie shell almost tight enough to break it.
She let her gaze drift to the ground and rolled the cowrie shell between her fingers, though it didn't bring her any comfort by now.
The sun had just reached the horizon by now and the sky had gone deep orange, the waves of Lake Huron shusheding against the shore below.
Instead they both turned to the woods and set off for the east side of the Island. How come they go off alone together? When they got off of the rock, where were Mani and Moon Wolf? Weren't they at the base of the rock waiting for Charmian to come back down?
Keep right on writing, and I'll be here to continue reading whatever you post...
This is a great chapter! I like the magical doors in the Sky Tree and the test of will that Charmian is put through there. I also like the fact that her friends are going to stick by her even though her spirit stone has been damaged, and Mani's loyalty is truly a remarkable thing to behold!
Here are a few things that I noticed while I read your chapter:
Charmian felt a bit of embarrassment that she wasn't able to locate it on her own, as it was so difficult to see; You might want to show a bit of this instead of telling it.
"Okay, you're in," she said, and he opened his mouth in surprise, though she didn't wait for him to protest, if he was even going to. "Now I just have to find Manabozho..."
What I liked:
This is truly a very powerful story, and the ending is the most powerful part. The story held my interest all the way through and made me want to keep reading to find out more about the people, the place, and the situation.
What I didn't like:
It's not that I didn't like it, but rather a bit of a disappointment that I wasn't able to sense more of the performer's performance. I could see him singing and playing his instrument and hopping around the firepit, but I didn't feel able to share in the performance with those who were so entranced by it. I would have liked to have seen more sensory description as well as maybe a snipet of the words, actions and description of the music of one of his songs to give me a sense of what made the performance so special so that I could judge it for myself.
Characters:
Your characters are all very clearly drawn and well defined. Each has his/her own personality and quirkiness. They are one of the major strengths of your story.
Setting:
The inn is nicely described as is the park in which the attack takes place. I would like to get more of a sense of what the streets of the city are like and where it is that Stergi is supposed to live...in the city itself, in a shack on its outskirts, or wherever.
Here are a few technical things that I noticed while reading your story:
In recent years I’ve been known to offer myself as an appetizer, if the tradestrade is right.
He was short of height and handsome by most ladies' standards.
“Curses, Stergi, I sure ain’t paying you for the show,” he bellowed his deep voice barely rising above the crowds echoing approval, “get to work or I’ll be sure your payspay is cut for the money yer’ losing. Now, get!”
A slight grin arose on the robed man's face.
The performer's grin broke into a full-toothed smile, his teeth glistening white even in the dim yellow firelight.
I plan to reach Itamin before the month's out.
“One more night's performance would be my honor.”
After a long conversation, Kiyrown managed to disentangle himself withfrom Edurum and the rest of the crowd
Examining the pale orb, Kiyrown figured that he had four hours before he was forced to seek shelter.
Interrupting the hummer, he finished the chorus line for themhim or her.
Another strangled sigh escaped, and she laid her head in hands murmuring softly.
She knew it was a marvelous thing, and, most importantly, it was directed at her alone.
Kiyrown had walked for a long while, barleybarely taking note of his surroundings.
Fiur was awokenawakened by the battle cry.
Kiyrown again tiredtried a meek protest, but his words fell on deaf ears.
“I am concerned this night's show may not be all I hope it can be,” She finished.
The ending of the story is great as is, but I can easily see how this piece could be incorporated into a longer work...a novel or a series. Do you have plans of doing anything more with this piece?
This story opens in the middle of the gold elf's search for Lilliki. Why does he want to find out about it from his distant cousins? What made this ancient place so special?
Magria is an odd sort of human character. Her speech is confusing and seems very primative. Who is she, and why has she agreed to help the gold elf?
Here are a few things that I noticed while I read:
It’s rained soon. What does this sentence mean?
As they grewdrew close to the tribe’s settlement, a strange sound took their ears. What do you mean by a strange soundtooktheir ears?
A figure of auburn shades perched like a dainty mountain goat in the branches. The form flitted down, catching each step with the tips of its feet. Your first sentence here was a fragment. I deleted the period and two words to connect the two sentences into one correct sentence.
Are you planning to add more to this piece? Is it part of a series or novel that you are writing? The ending of this piece seems to indicate that there is still much more of this story to come...
You explain a lot of what I had questions about in the first piece here. Maybe the two stories should be combined into one??
The only thing I am confused about in this story is this -- Is Copper now a bird? Or is she a spirit that had to go through a bird-like phase to become whatever she is now?
Here are a couple of things that stood out as I read:
It was a green smell, a scent common in any forest, but stated in a precise way. I don't understand this sentence -- how can a scent be stated?
Sunlight played off her every hair, each curling thread shinning like a child’s smile. Nice, sweet image
You have a very nice story working here. Keep working on adding to it! It can be really great
I like this poem a lot. My cousin came back from Viet Nam wounded, and I shudder to think that he is the only one from his troop who returned alive. Your poem captures the wounded veteran's private suffering that the world never gets to see.
Here are a couple of things I noticed while reading:
The roof is illuminated Do you mean ceiling?
YouI had the world at yourmy feet. The shift to the second person pronoun here is jarring since most of your readers will not have been in a war.
Wow! This is a vivid depiction of what a soldier must go through during front-line action in a war...and, it is horrifying!
The one thing that I noticed as I read your piece is that the soldier never hears the explosion of the incoming missile, grenade, or whatever it is. Is this because it is a dream, or what? Just curious...
Really good poem about how it feels to be so much in pain that you don't care to do anything but slip away into dreamland where the pain cannot reach you.
Here is one very minor technicality I noticed while reading:
nothing and nooneno one
Other than this, you might want to insert some punctuation into the poem where you would like the reader to pause a bit...
for example:
You could put a comma at the end of line one to stress the isolation that the pain causes.
Then, put ellipsis markings (...) at the end of line two to separate the desire for escape from the nagging demands of every day living.
I would also put ellipsis markings at the end of the second to last line to create a dramatic pause to again emphasize the loneliness of the sufferer.
Will Charmian be able to defeat the evil being that has taken over Chakenapok before the dark tendrils overtake her spirit stone? Will defeating him/her be enough to clear her spirit stone of the evil darkness?
I can hardly wait to see the next part that you post here...
Wow!! Another very powerful chapter!! Once I started reading it, I could not stop! The after-battle with the thing controlling Chakenapok was awesome!
Since the controlling being yelled "I KILLED HIM!" -- does this mean that Nokomis is controlling him?? Has she turned bad?
I like the way Thomas took control of the situation and had Pakwa help him get Charmian through the Fairy Arch, but I'm confused about why Moon Wolf didn't go through, too. Does he maybe remember something about the Arch from when Ocryana supposedly killed him?
I like the dream battle between Charmian and Chakenapok. I'm not really clear on what happened to the double spirit stone, and I'm sure Charmian isn't clear on it either. I got a cold shiver when I read the last two lines of this chapter! And, I can't wait until you finish more of this piece so that I can continue to follow the story!!
Here is a small technicality that I noticed while reading:
She couldn't hold her smile, atas his sudden change in appearance unnerved her; yet she bit back a cry of fear and instead held out her hands again.
I'll be back to read more when you add to this story!!!
Okay...what has just fallen out of the sky? Could it be Manabozho?
I like Charmian's theory about how to deal with Chakenapok. And, I like the idea that she discussed her idea with her closest friends, but I'm not sure why she would rather have Thomas there than Moon Wolf or the demons themselves.
Another point I'm not clear on is why Dakh and Sikt Natha do not speak to Charmian much in this story. After all, they resided in her head throughout much of the first story. I would have thought there was a special bond between them that would have shown itself long before this in this story.
Here is something else that I noticed while reading:
He isn't completely up with everything that's going on, but I know he'd be worried if Ihe found out I'm trying this.
You have woven Moon Wolf back into the story in a nearly seamless manner, and I like the way you showed Chakenapok, at the end of the last chapter, watching Charmian and her friends and then show Manabozho watching Charmian from a tree along her path. You tense the reader up and then release the tension in a red herring sort of way that had been mastered by Hitchcock in his films. Beautifully done!
Here is something I noticed while reading:
And I assume it's not Tal Natha, because he didn't know about him, either. The use of the masculine pronouns to refer to two different people is a bit confusing here
Wow!! Powerful chapter!! I wonder if any of the tribal villagers saw the action between Charmian and Moon Wolf???? If they had, I'm sure she'd be a shoe in for the Mide!!
You never cease to amaze me with your ability to grab hold of the reader and draw him/her into your story in a very powerful way! It's like the real world slips away and all that exists is the world of your story...not many writers are capable of doing that in a sustained way throughout a story of this length!
On to the next chapter to see what the newly restored Moon Wolf has to say...
Great chapter! I was wondering how Charmian would deal with the Mide invitation. You created a scene that I never would have been able to predict! And, I like the way Mani is sticking with her throughout this ordeal.
Here are a few things I noticed while reading:
Thomas stood up there with Cloud, Mani off to the side.
Mani sensed her uneaseuneasiness and stopped at the mouth of the path leading from the camp, leaving her to continue on her own.
She paused again and stared at them--uncertain even if it was male or female--when they stepped forward in front of the doorflap, holding out a stick in front of them. Your usage of the third person plural as a generic singular pronoun is confusing here. See if you can reword the sentence to either use the masculine/generic third person pronoun or eliminate the pronouns altogether.
The lynx-masked person didn't move from theirhis spot. If you don't want to use the masculine/generic pronoun, you could end the sentence after the word move.
They stopped beside his wigwam and she had to lean against it before she could fallto prevent herself from falling over.
The meeting between Justin and Charmian is poignant. It is nice to see that Justin and Little Dove have kept Moon Wolf's pendant on hand and safe for Charmian's return.
I cannot wait to see how Chakenapok uses Augwak to battle Charmian. And, is that his own spirit stone that he holds between his fingers or a bit from the spirit stone of one of the Shadow Wolves?
Very intriguing chapter! I like the interaction between Stick and Charmian and the fact that I get the feeling that she will keep his secret for him. What awaits Charmian at the Lodge? How difficult will her initiation be?
Good job of getting Augwak and Pakwa back into the story! I'm confused by the changes that have taken place in Pakwa, and I wonder if Augwak hasn't become multitudes worse than he was before.
You remind the reader of Charmian's youth every time someone thinks she has a lover or boyfriend, and this is a good thing since she often acts with a wisdom and knowledge that is well beyond that of most 15 year olds.
Now, what does Moon Wolf want with her...another fight???
What is this thing that has attached itself to Charmian and her pack? Why is it stealing her belongings?
Is Charmian's reflection crying because she feels hurt by the loss of her grandmother and confidante?
Here is something I noticed while reading this chapter:
They spotted Charmian walking through the camp, and one or two of them glanced at Stick-In-The-Dirt as if expecting him to say something, yet didn't speak up. Who didn't speak up? Them or Him?
Okay, the cowrie shell is important, but why can't Stick tell her how or why it is important? Another question I've had for a few chapters now is this: has White Deer reconciled herself with her stepmother? They seem to be getting along pretty well when they dressed Charmian's wounds.
Niskigwun seems to have humanized a bit since we first met him. Are the Michinimakinong supposed to be emotionless creatures? Or, are they just very guarded with whom they reveal their feelings?
Has one of the characters taken Charmian's dreamcatcher to fix it? Or has something terrible befallen it?
It is good that Charmian broke down at this point in the story. You have allowed her to release some of the tension that has been building up within her without outlet. I sense that she will be stronger because of this.
Are the Moon Wolf figure and her grandmother somehow connected to each other?
Whoa! Moon Wolf is the very last person I would have expected her attacker to be!! Very good plot twist!! This might be the start of the explanation for how a dead child comes back to life to wreak havoc on the Island!! I can't wait to read on!!!!!
The evil twin is a great idea, but I'd like to see more of what Nokomis did with the child's seemingly lifeless body to be assured that she really did try to dispose of the bad seed. It will be interesting to see how you deal with showing how he managed to survive all these years after having been left for dead by his own grandmother!
Here are a couple of things that I noticed while reading this chapter:
"Four elder brothers... Isn't it Three elder brothers, four brothers altogether?
The question had been a pathetic one, she knew; she could only imagine how horrible it would feel, thinking one had been responsible for theirhis own parent's death.
Interesting turn of events! This guy with the flames tattooed on his face seems really creepy. Who is he seeking revenge on and why? How come he has no concern for the Island at all? Why is it that Tal Natha cannot sense his presence?
On to the next chapter to try and find out...
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