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237 Public Reviews Given
249 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:

A good poem about a woman who falls in love with a man she shouldn't have. There are a lot of emotions in this piece, and you can empathize with the main character.


GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:


“I can’t leave”, she said, while teardrops filled her eyes

Comma inside the quotations.

FLOW:

The piece flowed well for the most part with an A,A,B,B pattern, though some words didn't exactly rhyme. Still, I liked the words used so it's forgivable. I did have an issue with the first stanza. The flow was different than the others, so I would look into that.

SUGGESTIONS:

Great job and great poem! My only suggestions are to make the above edit and maybe do something with the first stanza. Other than that, good job. Have a good rest of the week!
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Review of Untitled  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I think you're off to a good start. You should start this by empathizing with whatever situation your friend is in and towards the middle turn it as to where you'll be there for him/her. End it with how eventually things will get better and that there is a need to move on and not just cope. That with mistakes, there are lessons to be learned. You are off to a good start, though.

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Review of Intermezzo  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
I quite enjoyed this piece. It flows well and there's obviously a lot of meaning behind the words. I do suggest, though, that you get rid of the double spacing. You should keep the four stanza, but the double spacing takes away from the look of the piece. I would also center it. The writing itself is beautiful, but you have to couple it with some beautiful formating. : )
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Review of Stones of Red  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:
This is a very powerful poem about a man who dies. In his last moments he thinks of his son.


GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:


None that I noticed.

FLOW:

This piece flowed well at first. I think it went a little off after the second stanza. The beat did a change up and didn't stay at the same pace as it did in the beginning. I think if you rewrote and reworded it to match the first two stanzas, this piece would be perfect.

SUGGESTIONS:

Just the above about the flow. The content is good and so is the deepness behind it. There was a lot of emotion in this so though the flow was a little off to me, I did think this was a great piece.

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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.5)
A good poem, well written. I liked the theme of the piece: No matter what we decide to do with our lives, or what paths we end up choosing, we all wind up going to the same place when the path ends. The piece flowed well, and I liked the Old English style. Keep it up!

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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.5)
These are some nice little haikus about trees that stick with the 7-5-7 restriction. Also has an abstract nature theme which is what haikus are supposed to be about. Good job on these, and you should write more. You've got talent so why are there only three things in your port? Give the world more! : )

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Review of Paper World.  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's hard to tell a story in just 55 words so kudos on pulling it off. One line did confuse me, though it is hard to change something with a fixed word limit without changing the word count.

"From the vale of relations, he passed helplessly."

I didn't know what a "vale of relations" was. I googled it with no avail. I'm thinking maybe his relationship with his son was severed? Also, from the sentence before it makes it sound as if your main character "passed" and not his son. That line is a little too obscure for me.

All in all, though, great story. It was told well, and even though there was a word restriction, had a beginning middle and end. Good job!
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Review of Shatterproof  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I suggest for WDC easy reading you add an indent to the beginning of each paragraph and put spaces in between them as well. Great story with a good lesson: be strong and be who you are no matter what. Great job and keep writing. You should pe proud of this one.
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Review of Dear Gretel  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (3.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:
A cute idea for a story. I see you're going to attempt a modern Hansel and Gretel, which may turn out well. But you requested a review of this piece so this is the one I'm going to review. Though I thought it was decent, I have a couple of issues with it. (see suggestions)


GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:


Not that I'm trying to exaggerating, of course.

exaggerate*

I never stop dreaming of our hometown every night, but I can’t let this little thing holds me back.

hold* me back

The buildings are so high to the sky and, every night, they baths with yellow streetlight.

This line confused me. I'm pretty sure you mean “bathe” not “baths”. But what do they “bathe” with yellow streetlight? “Who's they”?

SUGGESTIONS:
Why can't Hansel contact home? He uses the words “as you can see”, but he's contacting Gretel with a letter, and she's home, so why can't he contact home when he's currently contacting home? I think you also have to move things along a little more. Hansel repeats that he misses home a little too often, and also says goodbye a couple of times. Try not to repeat things. Anyway, it's a nice idea. Good luck with your story, and I hope it turns out well.
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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (3.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:
An okay start to a story. You set your character Akiko up well. Off the bat you gave us a peek into her life allowing us to connect with your character. The main issue I had with this piece is the flow, punctuations, and spelling. (see below)

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:


the thing is, this is the day that my mom died 5 years ago when I was 11.

Capitalize the beginning of this sentence. Also, it's sort of a rule to spell out numbers under ten.

I heard the crunching of crisp, autumn leaves as I steppd on them, not caring if they stuck to my black Converse sneakers.

*Stepped

"Akiko! What are you doing walking around Flint like that?!" my friend, Asa, called out from her mountain bike, all wrapped up nice and cozy in her striped hoodie.

I would revise this, or even better, turn it into two sentences. To me it reads as if the mountain bike was all wrapped up nice and cozy.

She knew I hated them and I made a face showing what I thought of her hoodie.

Comma before “and”.

"Sorry, didn't think that I'd run into you, Aki." Asa apologized, skidding her bike to a stop behind me.

Comma after “Aki”, not period..

"Aki, how can you walk around like that?" Asa asked, tilting her head slightly to the side, her blonde hair cascading over like her head, green eyes gleaming with curiousity.

This sentence is a bit of a run on in my opinion. I would consider breaking it up. Also fix the spelling of “curiosity”.

My mom died of lung cancer when I was 11. It was on today too and it was cold in the house when she was in her last hours. So, I was used to the coldness of the world... and when she left.

You had mentioned earlier that your character's mom on Halloween when she was 11. This just repeats that in my opinion. You didn't mention she died from cancer, though, so I suggest you add that to the beginning paragraph and remove this one as so you're not repeating yourself.

"Oh yeah... Well, you going trick-or-treating tonight? Kagure's going to have a party after it's over." Asa invited, descending off her bike and walking with it as I began heading towards the school.

Comma after “over” not period.

She whined, but I gave her a cross look, signaling her that I wasn't goiing to change my mind.
*going

I fell on top of a random dude I didn't even know, yet hee looked around 17 years old.
*he.

I began to push myself up, making a mental note to kick Asa's butt later on when I saw who I landed on.

You observed who he was two paragraphs earlier when you noticed he “looked around 17”.

"Oh please, this will take all day, motherless pup." Ivy scoffed, smiling evily at her little taunt.

Comma after “pup” not period. *evilly

SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestions are correcting the things I found above. You had a tendency to repeat things later on in your story that your character had told us earlier in the story. Try not to do that. Readers don't like to read the same thing over and over. I can tell that with more practice you'll be a great writer one day. We all have to start somewhere so just keep writing and keep making mistakes and fixing them until you learn what to do and what not to do. Make the above corrections and I'll be happy to come back and review the piece again, most likely accompanied with a higher rating.

Have a good Sunday!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This was a cute little poem that made me smile. One thing I do suggest is that you spell out your numbers. Maybe don't spell out the 275, but the smaller numbers. I think that would add to the piece. Other than that, I can relate to this person as I get stuck all the time holding the door open for my girlfriend, then every other person right behind her. Good piece.
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Review of The Visit  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's a good poem, but I think the flow is a little wacky. I suggest you add more commas to this piece so the reader knows where the pauses are. Plus, there are two beginning quotations, but no end quotations. I'd add some end quotations in there. Good job, though. I enjoyed it.
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Review of One  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
A good start to what will most likely be a good story. I suggest you fix the spacing between paragraphs, though. It's pretty distracting. Also read up on proper comma usage. You're missing a few. But regardless, it's a good intro which will capture your reader's attention from the get go.
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Review of The Dreamer  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.5)
This would make a good excerpt from a novel. I don't see any punctuation errors, but sometimes the word "doctor" is capitalized and sometimes it's not. Figure out what you want to do with that. All in all you have me wanting more so I want you to right more to this story and let me know when you do. I know this particular entry is probably for a contest, but I think you could have the beginnings to a book. Keep it up!
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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
Haha. I don't know why, because I normally don't laugh with pieces like these, but you had me cracking up. It might because I just got off a long day at work, but maybe it's because I have an in the closet liking of this kind of humor. Good job at making me laugh. :)
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Review of Stargazing  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed your story. I'm sure you've entered this in a micro-fiction contest or something so I have the following suggestion which shouldn't mess up your word count. I would change this sentence to: My hand swept across the night sky, which encompassed thousands of beckoning lights. This way, it's not your hand encompassing those beckoning lights. :)
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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:
Great hook! You started your chapter off with a question that now the reader wants answered. What is your character waiting to happen? As the reasons unfold you pitch us into the middle of the fray and keep the reader hooked. Your character descriptions are spot on and allow me to imagine what they each look like. As with every piece of work, there are corrections that need to be made. These are what I found.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:

The slight energy-hum of various ships’ systems, normally ignored, were magnified in the absence of other noises, and gave the room a cavernous, echoing feel.

No comma is necessary after the word noises.

Something had to be wrong, and he was going to be in trouble if he didn't have a good reason for being missing from his post.

If something had to be wrong, then the thought that he'd be in trouble if he didn't have a good reason for being missing from his post should not have crossed her mind. She should be worried or
concerned..


Anyone who stepped out of line, or committed any of the thousands of infractions deemed harmful to the security of the Empire, was subject to a sliding scale of disciplinary measures, from a stiff reprimand, up to physical punishment for the lower ranks, or psychological adjustments for the officers.

I would break this sentence up somehow. It's a bit of a run on.

Barker and his people loved their work, moreso because they were a sadistic lot, Kali suspected, than for an actual love of the Empire.

”Moreso” is not a word.

She was fully telepathic among her own people but with humans, it was limited to sensing emotional states and projecting her voice into their minds.

Comma before “but”.

Just saw two of those big bullyboys dragging him off and shoving him in one of the holding cells.

Bullyboys isn't a word.

Bryce really wished he would stop doing that, it was very unnerving.

Divide into two sentences or add a conjunction.

Bryce's eyes widened and his mouth opened in a big O.

Add a comma before “and”.

His chest puffed out in exaggerated pride but there was an impish smile on his face.

Comma before “but”.

SUGGESTIONS:
Good job and great story. My only suggestions are to make these corrections. With them, I'd give this piece a solid 4.5.

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Review of The Conductor  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
OVERALL:
:) I love stories like this. It's highly original and most likely would not be liked by all. Other than the following grammar erros, I see nothing wrong with this piece, and it has 5 potential if corrected. At least in my eyes it does.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
The instrument raised his arms and began to play his sutures like a harp.

I'm pretty sure you didn't mean to put that the instrument raised his arms.

A woman in the audience faints at the mere enjoyment the single note brings. The tempo speeds up, and the music gets louder, reaching a crescendo. A stethoscope is placed against a large man’s chest, and it’s beat is amplified through the P.A. system. The babies hanging from the afore mentioned umbilical cords were finally brought into use as the nurses spanked them causing a chorus of singing from them, the spanks each in time with the rising tempo.

The rest of the piece is done in the past tense. This section is done in present tense. Plus, the "it's beat" should just read "its beat" without the apostrophe.

The conductor read with a smile knowing they his music had given life.

I'm pretty sure you meant to use the word "that" instead of "they".

SUGGESTIONS:
Just make the corrections and you have a great story. I admire your originality and the courage to post it.

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Review of Accursed Magic  
Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:
A great tale about a young vampire. I highly enjoyed this story, and think it will do well in the contest that it's entered in. There is great novel potential in this! But like everything, there's work that needs to be done and hopefully the following will help you win because grammar is taken into account in most of these contests.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:

My eyes flew open and I sat up.
The frantic cries of my maker filled the small apartment and I instantly became fearful.

These sentences need a comma before the word “and”. If a conjunction is combining two complete sentences, it needs the comma.

The narrow hallway of our apartment was as non-descript as ever, the living room light at the end indicating that’s where I’d find Nettie.

I would turn these into two sentences.

Rubbing my eyes, and smoothing my wild curly hair

No comma necessary. You're combining two fragments.

Nettie was anxiously pacing around the room, bloody tears running down her alabaster face, and her chin quivering as she sobbed.

I would turn these into two sentences. Plus, midway through this sentence, your tenses change from past to present.

“It’s Robert,” She exclaimed.

She should be lower cased.

Granted, we’re vampires and have several abilities one might consider otherworldly; but magic, seriously?

The semicolon needs to turn into a comma or both these sentences are fragments.

It was silver and plain, the shape of a man, but other than that as plain as could be.

Plain is used twice in the same sentence to describe the same object.

There is a book, one that has a passage in it to un-do curses.

No hyphen.

As I was reading the book a soft sound -- one that would have gone undetected by human ears -- roused me from my task.

Comma after book.

The emergency lights casted the room in a dim red glow, and awkward shadows gave the room an eerie feel.

The past tense of cast is cast.

I felt like a kid riding her first rollercoaster or something.

Roller coaster is two words.

SUGGESTIONS:
Good job and great story. My only suggestions are to make these corrections. With them, I'd give your story a solid 4.5.

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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:
This second chapter is a good one. It builds the suspense, and the reader begins to see the problems that Mason will soon have. His best friend Zek has now joined a questionable (by that I mean good or evil) group known as the Exiles, which will most likely pose a problem for Mason later in the book.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:


Everyone knew what a large world they lived upon

I think this sentence would work better with “lived on”.

It had been three days since he was first approached by the hooded men known as exiles

From this sentence on, it seems as if the “exiles” is the name of the hooded men's group. If it is, then the word should be capitalized when you use it to refer to the group.

They had found him out-of-breath, and drained from an explosive barrage of magic that was fueled by frustration.

This does not need to be hyphenated, and the comma is unnecessary.

“I mean to show you this truth,”  The elder replied.

the “T” in “The elder should be lower cased. I actually noticed this done five times this chapter, so go back in and edit those.

SUGGESTIONS:
I like this chapter a lot. It's almost perfect once you get those grammar errors fixed. One thing I did notice was the usage of a lot of the same adverbs. I counted the word “slowly” used 9 times in this piece. I would go back and change some of those up just to vary it a bit. I also noticed that you have become quite fond of semicolons. Though the semicolon is one of my favorite puncuations, I think it was overused a little. Other than that, Chapter Two in a book is the key chapter to getting the ball rolling. You pulled it off quite well. I hope Zek comes to his senses because I don't think this Exile group is good for him. Good job!

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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:
I liked this piece as well. You immediately endear us to Mason, and I instantly like him and want him to succeed at whatever trials are about to come his way. Overall the chapter was five star worthy if not for a couple of things, though they are very important (read suggestions).

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:

Chantilla Fenred, the woman who had taken Aiona from the world, paid for her sin that day. He recalled his father rushing into the house that day, and

The word day is used too close together. You should get rid of one of them.

This only had made them tease harder

I think it would read better if you said “this had only made them tease harder”.

The arcane think this shield saves us from the outside, they don't see how it keeps us in a cage.

Two sentences.

They stood at the edge of the property for a moment, and gazed over their playground.

No comma necessary.

The pair rested on the first stair for a moment, and looked over their battleground.

No comma necessary. In these cases a comma is normally used when combining two sentences. So, if you said “The pair rested on the first stair for a moment, and they looked over the battleground” then the comma would be correct. However, when combining a sentence with a fragment like “gazed over their playground”, then you don't need one.

He opened the book to the place where he had left off the night before; marked with an old marker that bore the Drax family seal.

Comma, not semicolon

SUGGESTIONS:
This is a first chapter in a book and by the end of the first chapter I should be able to picture Mason in my mind based on the descriptions you give. I want to know what Mason looks like. How old is Mason? I know they're at a University, but this is a fantasy world. People in this world may start attending magic university when they're fifteen, so I don't know. Find a way to describe Mason in this chapter. This had 5 star potential, but these are vital things missing from the story. The reason I rated it a 4 was because you did hook me, and I do want to read more, which I am going to. You do a very good job at keeping the reader wanting more! Keep it up!


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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note that the following is just my opinion...

OVERALL:
From a scan of what you've done so far, I do say that this story will be an epic one once you complete it. From the prologue you're quickly thrown into a very edge of your seat action sequence that will keep you hooked. You also did a good job in setting everything up for the actual story: the birth of the baby, the dead mother, the fact that Mason's dad was a fighter. You also gave us a quick lesson about the different types of magic and how Arcane University worked. Overall, I'd say it was a great prologue.


GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
The masters on either side of him watched carefully. A few carried an envious look in that the arcane master of wind magics need never ask for quiet to be heard.

Who is “a few” referring to? If you look at the sentence before it talks about the masters so the way I see this line would be referring to the masters, which doesn't seem right. If you mean “a few” in the crowd, make sure that you add that they're in the crowd.

Relik Drax looked into the crowd to find Aiona, his wife.  Heavy with child, she stood and waved to him with her left hand placed over her heart for luck.

I would change it to the following: “Relik Drax looked into the crowd to find Aiona, his wife, who was heavy with child. She stood and waved to him with her left hand placed over her heart for luck.” It reads better to me.

Relik stood holding his Aiona's hand, the medics worked tirelessly to make her condition more stable.

Two sentences.

The sound made Relik's heart jump, he squeezed her hand tight and leaned over her lovingly.

Two sentences.{/b]

“Mason,” The medic said to him.

Just the capitalization of the word “the”. I'm sure it was just an accident.

SUGGESTIONS:
I would actually capitalize certain things like Arcane Master, or Wind Magic, or Crystal Magic, etc. It shows power, as these are powerful magics. Plus, since it's a University, I'm thinking these are the different degrees that the University offers, so they should be capitalized. Other than that and the corrections, this is a well told edge of your seat prologue to what I'm sure will be a great first novel to your series. Great Job!


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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm not much of a poet, but I'm still going to enter. In the meantime, I see no better way to spend the gp's i earn from reviewing than to donate them to contests. Thanks for hosting!
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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I've just started working on my story. As I'm new here, I really don't see a better way to spend my gift points besides donating them to the different contests. It encourages me to write a good enough story to get them back in an awards form. Thanks for the contest!
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Review by Jonathan Marx
Rated: 18+
I'll first start this by saying I quite enjoyed reading this. You have a style of writing that kept me hooked, and it's obvious that you did your research on the subjects. The flow of the story worked really well as it your character gradually fell in love with Abena and it became apparent that she was in love with him. It was a good pace to the story that led up to the climactic scene in the end where he leaves and they need to reveal their true feelings for each other. I'm highly impressed with the building of this story and think that it works perfectly. Each scene was perfectly placed in my opinion so if you make the below corrections I would definitely give this story a 4.5, maybe even a 5.

Yet as with every piece, there's always something that needs tweaking. I'm going to first start this off with grammar and then I'll let you know what I thought of the content of the piece.

Grammar:

“It had been my worst monthly review. The uncomfortable return journey from Accra, the location of our country headquarters had only added to my misery.”
-There needs to be a comma after “headquarters”.

“Not one of my preferred fruits, yet it didn't occur to me that my caretaker Rosa wouldn't have bought them. She knew my tastes well.”
-This part confused me. First off it's a double negative, but it's forgivable when writing in first person. However, if the double negative was meant to be on purpose, then the sentence would mean that it hadn't crossed his mind that the bananas were from someone else besides Rosa. So the sentence “she knew my tastes well” doesn't fit because your character is thinking that Rosa bought bananas which wasn't your character's favorite fruit.

“The job allowed me freedom and power, both of which I had always craved freedom and power, and my new job allowed me plenty of both - of course, only within the defined norms of the company.”
-The freedom and power part is a little repetitive. I would just change it to “both of which I had always craved” and the sentence would be fine.

“Next time, ask her to meet me. Otherwise, don't accept any more of all these”
-The word “all” should be removed so the sentence reads “ Otherwise, don't accept any more of these”

“Much later when I would have the good fortune of visiting the Louvre museum, I would be reminded of that scene.”
-There should be a comma after the word “later”.

“I sensed an opportunity to enquire about her husband George, and my precious advance.”
-There shouldn't be a comma after George.

“I wanted to enquire.”
-You had just used the word enquire a couple sentences before. I would use a synonym of the word for this part. Just my opinion.

“To my utter bewilderment, I understood that bosses have surprisingly fickle memories.”
-Your character more “learned” that the bosses have surprisingly fickle memories than “understood”. The word “understood” doesn't fit there.

“I now had an unhindered view of the coca trucks as they came in and went out, swelling my chest with pride.”
-Spelling. “Cocoa” not “coca”.

“I observed George gaze at her with affection , and I couldn’t help envy his good fortune.”
-There's an accidental space after the word affection.



Content:

One thing that kept nagging me is how your main character kept having to remind Rosa to call him Neil. Obviously the two have been together for quite some time since she “knew his tastes well” so the mistake of constantly calling him “sir” wouldn't be happening. Same with the driver.

The second thing that jumped out at me were the two times you used the words “much later”.

“Much later when I would have the good fortune of visiting the Louvre museum, I would be reminded of that scene.”

“Much later, I would admire Abena’s courage.”

To me, this it seemed very out of place as it seems as if your character is telling the story as it's happening or as if it just happened. So to me, that he would use the words “much later when I would....” it just seemed out of place. So unless you want to add the word “had” to many of the sentences in your story to make it seem as if he's telling a story of something that happened in the distant past, I would get rid of the “much later” sentences.

Again, I highly enjoyed this read and am looking forward to reading it after you edit it.
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