Please note that the following is just my opinion...
OVERALL:
An okay start to a story. You set your character Akiko up well. Off the bat you gave us a peek into her life allowing us to connect with your character. The main issue I had with this piece is the flow, punctuations, and spelling. (see below)
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:
the thing is, this is the day that my mom died 5 years ago when I was 11.
Capitalize the beginning of this sentence. Also, it's sort of a rule to spell out numbers under ten.
I heard the crunching of crisp, autumn leaves as I steppd on them, not caring if they stuck to my black Converse sneakers.
*Stepped
"Akiko! What are you doing walking around Flint like that?!" my friend, Asa, called out from her mountain bike, all wrapped up nice and cozy in her striped hoodie.
I would revise this, or even better, turn it into two sentences. To me it reads as if the mountain bike was all wrapped up nice and cozy.
She knew I hated them and I made a face showing what I thought of her hoodie.
Comma before “and”.
"Sorry, didn't think that I'd run into you, Aki." Asa apologized, skidding her bike to a stop behind me.
Comma after “Aki”, not period..
"Aki, how can you walk around like that?" Asa asked, tilting her head slightly to the side, her blonde hair cascading over like her head, green eyes gleaming with curiousity.
This sentence is a bit of a run on in my opinion. I would consider breaking it up. Also fix the spelling of “curiosity”.
My mom died of lung cancer when I was 11. It was on today too and it was cold in the house when she was in her last hours. So, I was used to the coldness of the world... and when she left.
You had mentioned earlier that your character's mom on Halloween when she was 11. This just repeats that in my opinion. You didn't mention she died from cancer, though, so I suggest you add that to the beginning paragraph and remove this one as so you're not repeating yourself.
"Oh yeah... Well, you going trick-or-treating tonight? Kagure's going to have a party after it's over." Asa invited, descending off her bike and walking with it as I began heading towards the school.
Comma after “over” not period.
She whined, but I gave her a cross look, signaling her that I wasn't goiing to change my mind.
*going
I fell on top of a random dude I didn't even know, yet hee looked around 17 years old.
*he.
I began to push myself up, making a mental note to kick Asa's butt later on when I saw who I landed on.
You observed who he was two paragraphs earlier when you noticed he “looked around 17”.
"Oh please, this will take all day, motherless pup." Ivy scoffed, smiling evily at her little taunt.
Comma after “pup” not period. *evilly
SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestions are correcting the things I found above. You had a tendency to repeat things later on in your story that your character had told us earlier in the story. Try not to do that. Readers don't like to read the same thing over and over. I can tell that with more practice you'll be a great writer one day. We all have to start somewhere so just keep writing and keep making mistakes and fixing them until you learn what to do and what not to do. Make the above corrections and I'll be happy to come back and review the piece again, most likely accompanied with a higher rating.
Have a good Sunday!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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