I'm reviewing this as if it is a draft that you desire to finalize before sending to the desired audience. I rated it low because your piece reads like someone screaming with emotion. The words and sentences are chopped, words are slurred, and the grammar is lacking just like someone that loses control in an argument. The following excerpts from your piece evidence my critique:
"He is a little spoiiled" [spoiled]
"...and i for..." [missing capitalization"
"The bible tell us this." [verb should be plural]
I believe you are sincere in your message, But, when you write something to make your point, it is important to pay attention to the details or you will lose credibility. For example, you are taking your critics to task for criticizing homeschooling. As written, your critics will point to your errors in this piece and say, "Voila!, you see, the homeschool advocate writes in an uneducated style." They will be right, and you will lose.
Please take this as encouragement. Tone down the emotion, get the grammar right, and tighten up the sentence structure. It will be more powerful.
One other thought.......look how you opened the piece. You state your name, that you homeschool, and then immediately repeat back people's thoughts regarding homeschooling Michael. The problem here is that you have yet to introduce him in the piece. The reader will be confused.
I've rated your piece low. The rating has nothing to do with the subject. Clearly, your grandmother is a good person. Your grammar is pretty good, although some sentences could be tighter. My reaction is based on your calling this a prologue. I expect a prologue to grab my attention, to make me want to read further, but you provide too much detail that distracts. Here's the type of opening that would grab me.......and it could be done many ways:
"This is the story of a woman, a woman who has lived for 90 years. Her story is one of love, loss, heartache, and triumph, a story of faith in God, and a story that inspires. She lost her mother when she was only a young girl, lost her father to suicide, was rejected by family and left to grow up in an orphanage, but she overcame it all. She went on to be the mother of 9 children, loving them through life's trials. Who is this woman? This is the story of my grandmother."
This is still crude, but it gives you an idea for a more dramatic, crisper opening. Having provided the hook, you can get into all the gooshy detail later in the book, or essay.
Good writing and good imagination, but things on this web site are beginning to get to me.......
What is it with all the depressing writing? Why the end of the world? Why all the poems, none of yours I'm aware of, about suicide? This site has some of the most depressing themes.
Now, one could say that the authors are trying to touch the essence of being. I don't know. Keep it in mind.
I really like this poem. It is much better than most of the Newbie pieces. I tell everyone that once you have something this well done, the critique is more for consideration rather than identification of glaring errors. So, here we go......
The first 6 stanzas are great, nothing vague.
Stanza 7 you lose me with the "I make the phone call and return". It is not an experience I can relate to. Who are you phoning? Why? This is out of place with the specificity you supplied earlier and what comes later.
Stanza 8 is not as smooth. It seems you got wrapped up trying to use the word "dreams" and the rhythm gets choppy.
Stanza 9 your back on track
In stanza 10 I would somehow close the poem by retaining the claim that you are the best friend rather than stating that you come to realize you aren't the best friend. That would provide a more complex response for the reader. Otherwise, why not say in the first stanza, "I am not your best friend"? Then, everything that comes afterward would make the reader think, "Wow, it sounds like she's the best friend" Then, Wam!, it comes into focus.
Again, these are just considerations. As with all poetry, it is usually cryptic, and the author may be trying for the stated effect.
I give you an A for imagination, but you've got to ask yourself why you're writing and posting. What is the purpose, to have someone read and be entertained? Provoke thought?
This piece reads like you are writing free form, a draft. There are punctuation errors, misspellings, e.g., "o", and poor sentence structures. And, there are no paragraphs to separate the thoughts. These types of things are a great distraction for a reader, and frankly, a turn-off for anyone reading to critique the piece. What is there to critique in poor writing? I'm not trying to be mean, this is just the impression I get when reading your piece.
Again, I question the motive behind your writing. If you were to submit this for publication, an editor would not accept it. Remember, the beauty in writing is in the rewriting.
Clearly, you have passion for the one you love, but your piece reads like two poems jammed together. You've got the first 5 stanzas that use the seasons of the year as metaphor. Beware, this is pretty well worn imagery, not very original. Be that as it may, it had my mind geared to expect more of this imagery. But, I didn't get it. This imagery was abandoned for more traditional verse.
Very good. I had only one reservation, no pun intended, but pretty good, don'tcha think? ;)
This line, "...exhaustion forcing me into a night in a spanish speaking hotel ...."
seems to lose some of the rhythm because of the, "into a night in". The two "in" sounds distract. Maybe you could write it, "exhaustion forcing me into a spanish speaking hotel". I think everything still holds.
Once you've got something this good, it is all about polishing. You can take or leave just about anything anyone has to offer.
Good thoughts, but choppy. It is ok to use a few sentence fragments, but you used too many in these few paragraphs. Also, you need to watch the punctuation. In some places you used commas instead of the semi-colon. Likewise, you used a semi-colon where you should have used a comma.
I think the last paragraph is very thin and worn out. We've all heard about a time for a fresh start and about being all we can be. The way you've structured this piece, it leaves the reader to believe the last paragraph is going to be a climax.
You've got a good thing going, but I think it needs a little polish. First, I'm not a poet, so take it all in consideration. On with the critique......
I think you've got a few verb tense issues. In the first line "had no more tomorrows", I thinkwould read better "have no more tomorrows". The reader has every reason to think you will have them. Same issue in the last three lines. What is another tomorrow? A different tomorrow? In the last line you should be wishing every tomorrow is like today because your poem is written in the present tense.
I think drifting back and forth between contractions and formality can be distracting, e.g., I will and I'll.
Finally, I would change the line "The loving of its touch" to "The loving touch"
I'm rating this higher than I normally would because I am adding a vision in my mind to help out the writing style. I see an old Indian telling this story to the young ones as they sit around a campfire one night.
Delete "and it sheered and it coiled". This phrase is like missing a beat in the rhythm.
Beware this is very close to a story that has been told many times about a snake biting a boy who befriended it. When the boy asked the snake why he had bitten him, the snake told the boy that it was his nature to do so. The snake reminded the boy that the boy knew that before he picked him up.
Again, I must say this is a good piece of writing. It is the second thing that I've read of yours. I like the fact that your grammar is good, you pay attention to spelling, and you are pretty tight with the words. Now, I gave you a 4.5 because of the number of semi-colons you used. Picky, picky. But, if we water down a 5, then what is it worth? After all, this is just one opinion.
For sure, reading your material beats reading newbie work. If they read your stuff, they would understand why I grade them low. They think I'm harsh.
I like this piece. It has good flow and provides imagery. Not too wordy.
Recommendation for the opening paragraph.....I think you are redundant in your statements about having a tiring week. You open with that, there is a second sentence, and then you depend upon that statement of weariness again to get into your need for a compliment. Therefore, get rid of that "It had been a difficult time at work that week," and use another transition. This will make it tighter.
Finally, in your last paragraph, first sentence, you use a present tense "point is well taken" rather than past tense. I think it should be past for your piece.
First, I'm not a poet, but I like poetry. So, take that into consideration when reading my critique.
I think you've got something. Clearly, your reviewers to date like what you've written. I do too, but I want to challenge you. On with the critique......
I like the first two stanzas and the last three stanzas. Those stanzas pack a lot of truth about the power of words and the importance of choosing the right ones in our speech or in our writing. The stanzas in between these get in the way of this message. They are a focus on you. Who cares about you? That's not the message of the poem. These stanzas read like a caveat to your message. So, think about deleting the references to yourself and sticking to the theme. I think it will be a much more powerful piece.
I do give you credit for good rhyme and tempo.
I couldn't have done it.
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