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4,154 Public Reviews Given
4,283 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.
I'm good at...
Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.
Favorite Genres
I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review of The Exchange  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Official Judges' Review for the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold



Hi Chairrider -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a great job of incorporating supernatural elements into your story. Your use of the prompt was applied consistently throughout the narrative, which is not easy to do. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* There were quite a few typos and grammatical errors in the story, including a noticeable shift between Third Person (Present) and Third Person (Past) tenses toward the end of the story.

*Bullet* The actual setting and the events of the story were a little confusing. Even after finishing the story, I wasn't quite sure (other than a sexual encounter) what had happened, why it had happened, etc. Your story was well short of the maximum word count limit for the story; I would recommend using some of those additional available words to develop the world of the characters a little more, to give the reader a better sense of what they're reading and why it's happening.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really like the fact that this story uses the supernatural romance/erotic elements throughout, but I felt that the execution was a bit lacking. With some proofreading and a little more detail about the world in which the characters find themselves, I think it could be a great story. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


A review signature for Talent Pond members.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

427
427
Review of Taylor's Promise  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Official Judges' Review for the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold



Hi Purple Princess -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* Great detail and description. You created some wonderful imagery in this romantic story.

*Bullet* Lina's character was excellent. She was complex, interesting, and fascinated to follow along with as she experiences life without her husband (and then with him again *Wink*).


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The one issue I had with the story was Lina's role in the sexual encounter. The rest of this story is so much about Lina's experiences and thoughts and emotions, it felt a little off to have a large part of the sexual encounter (i.e. her performing oral sex on him) focused on her pleasing Taylor instead of the other way around. For me, a more compelling scenario would be to have Taylor take charge in the dream (since it's mentioned that she usually followed his lead) and give her another lasting memory of what was so good about their relationship, rather than trying to change things up and portray the encounter as her first opportunity to do something differently than she had done during her entire life with this man who's finally reappeared to her.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a very touching story that really captured a character's sense of loss and subsequent joy at being reunited... even if only in a supernatural dream. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


A review signature for Talent Pond members.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

428
428
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi Hyperiongate -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Official Mod Review Blitz! and "The Talent Pond for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought you did an excellent job capturing the fantastic and mercurial elements of a dream, transitioning between unrelated things and suddenly finding yourself in a completely new and bizarre situation. This story reminded me of all the bizarre dreams I've had; the kind where you wake up the next morning (or in the middle of the night) and wonder, "Where the heck did that come from?"

*Bullet* As always, your flash fiction was entertaining and incredibly satisfying to read. Well done!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I don't have any suggestions for this piece; I really enjoyed it.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really like your take on the prompt for this DFFC entry. It was unique, interesting, and engaging. You did a really great job with this flash fiction. *Thumbsup*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

429
429
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)

Hi Talicia Em -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Official Mod Review Blitz! and "The Talent Pond for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a good job of setting up Villahr's character. Because we can follow both his internal thoughts and his interactions with the baby Reveal, we get a sense of who he is as a character.

*Bullet* I liked the level of detail in this story. It was detailed enough to create a clear image in the reader's mind, but not so descriptive that it was burdensome to read. You achieved a really nice balance in this piece.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* TYPO: "Sorrowful[,] he sat in silent self-deprecation..." Depreciation is a decrease in value; deprecation is an earnest disapproval of something. *Wink*

*Bullet* As a general suggestion, I would encourage you to be more definitive in your writing. I noticed a few sentences where the writing was uncommitted and nonspecific with phrases like, "The room was more or less black," and "the creak of the chair's swing forward seemed to calm him." I would suggest making your writing more active and more definitive. "The room was black" and "the creak of the chair's swing forward calmed him" are more direct, impactful ways to write the same thing. They give the writer the appearance of being more in control for his or her work than if generalities are used.

*Bullet* TYPO: "His [fair], white skin shone even in the dimly lit hallway."

*Bullet* As you indicated in your email, this is your first chapter of a new novel you're planning on writing. My first thought is that it feels a little short and I'd like to see a little more going on. Although the description is good, IMO, a first chapter in a novel should really hook your audience and give them some sense of the character, the world, the conflict, etc. To that end, I would have liked to have seen a little more plot/story in this opening chapter, so we as audience members get a sense of where this story is going.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this is a good start to a first chapter on your novel. Although I'd like to have seen a little more narrative content, I think what you have here is a good foundation and can be built upon. Keep an eye out for those pesky typos and grammatical errors, and I think you're off to a good start. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

430
430
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi General PGT Beauregard -

At your request, I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* The Premise. With a site full of so many different kinds of short story contests, this is a refreshing premise. Not only is it historical fiction (which is an underutilized genre, IMO), but it's also specific historical fiction, encouraging a focus on a particular and dramatic time in American history. It's clear what kind of a contest this is and what kind of entries you're looking for. *Thumbsup*

*Bullet* The Prompts. You offer a wide variety of prompts, sure to appeal to a number of writers. Sometimes writers will look at a prompt and be unable to find inspiration, but by including so many options, every writer is sure to find at least one prompt that speaks to him (or her).

*Bullet* The Rules. The basic rules are clear and concise. Writers can easily find all the guidelines they need to write their entries, see the prizes being offered, etc.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The Prompts. While a variety of prompts are great to give writers options, the prompts for the different rounds is a little confusing. You already have six images per round, but with three rounds of prompts posted, there are actually thirty-six different prompt images in the forum that potential entrants have to scroll through. Can entrants select any of the thirty-six images? It seems a bit overwhelming if there are that many prompts for a single round. If these are for multiple rounds of the contest, I would suggest maybe hiding the ones from past and/or future rounds so that only the six current prompts are visible, but the other ones are accessible to those who wish to find them. You can accomplish this by either linking to a static item where the others are posted, or even leaving them in the item itself by creating a dropnote that can be expanded if desired, but otherwise conceals the non-current round images behind a single-line text link.

*Bullet* Content. You mention in several places that anything is accepted other than stories in the erotica genre. I noticed, however, that there are no other requirements for the content. Are you open to extreme graphic violent content and swearing, offensive non-sexual situations, etc.? If you are opposed to any of that, you may also want to include a rating restriction, such as that items must be rated 18+ or below.

*Bullet* Detailed Rules. This is purely from my own experience running contests, but you may want to consider adding a specific deadline beyond "end of August" (e.g. "11:59pm WdC time on August 31st"); you may want to stipulate whether these must be newly written for the contest or if older entries that fit the prompt are allowed; and whether people can edit their entries after the deadline, as long as they submit them in the forum on time. It's totally up to you, but those are three sticking points that I've had issues with in my own contests, so I usually include something about each of them in my own contest rules, just to make sure everyone is clear.

*Bullet* Donations & Prizes. I feel like the prizes are just a little light in comparison to other contests for similar-length short story entries (i.e. <5,000 words). If you're interested in increasing the prizes and don't have the funds, one of the ways I've found to successfully raise some GPs is to award a MB or other prize for donations over a certain amount. Many WdC members look for ways to increase their Community Recognition or earn additional reviews, accolades for their own items, etc. By offering an incentive for them to donate a certain amount (e.g. a MB for anyone who donates 50,000+ GPs, or a mini port raid for anyone who donates 35,000 GPs), you may be able to incentivize generous donors to contribute to your contest and thus provide you with additional funds which you can use to increase the prize value, offer honorable mentions, etc.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this contest. It's a refreshing concept and much of it is laid out clearly and concisely. I think anyone visiting the page would be able to quickly look at the forum and decide whether your contest is something they're interested in entering. Very nicely done, and good luck with the contest! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
431
431
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi tlsea -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really enjoyed this essay... you did a great job of capturing the joy and vibrancy of childhood in describing all the activities you experienced growing up. I also particularly liked the way you ended the essay, on a hopeful note that the essay full circle. Nicely done!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* Nothing comes to mind. I like it just the way it is. *Smile*


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a fantastic job with this piece. The essay was short, to the point, and entirely effective. Great work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


Raining Umbrellas SAJ signature
432
432
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi WriteStuffMom -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought this was a very poignant, touching poem. Anyone who's experienced the absence of a parent can surely connect to the words in this piece and hopefully those that haven't can at least understand a little of the pain that parental neglect can cause. Very well done! *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The one suggestion I have is to apply the rhyme scheme a little more consistently throughout the poem. While all the words were elegant and graceful, the stanzas having a different structure and even a different number of lines made it difficult to find a rhythm when reading. Not a big deal, but I think this piece would be even stronger with a little more structure to it.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a great job on this poem. It was well written and engaging. Great work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


Raining Umbrellas SAJ signature
433
433
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi carlypop -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a really great job connecting us to interesting and complex characters experiencing a very powerful moment in their lives. The transitions between the characters were effective, and I definitely wanted to know more about everyone in the story.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* This entry felt a little more like a single moment in time, rather than a complete story. While well written and engaging, there wasn't much of a narrative to give context to the events in this story. With a little more development, I think this could be a really compelling short story.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed the read and thought the characters were great. I wished there would have been more narrative to really see them develop and grow! Good effort, though. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
434
434
Review of Ronnie and Johnny  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hi Christian Powers -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I think you did a good job with this story. The characters were interesting and you created an engaging story around them. Nicely done!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I would have liked to have seen a little more detail in this story. I definitely got the broad strokes of what you were going for, but with some additional detail and description, I think this story would really stand out.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, it was an effective story that was enjoyable to read. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
435
435
Review of Hide and Seek  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Have a sunshiny day! -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really enjoyed the interaction between the three kids and the teacher. It was a fun, entertaining story that made really good use of the prompt. Nicely done! *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I would have liked to have seen the tension between Dorie and Donnie play out a little more. You were more than 1,000 words under the word limit, and I think some of that space could have been used to play up the conflict between these two characters just a little bit more.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a well-written story and a great take on the prompt. Good job! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
436
436
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi ☮ The Grum Of Grums -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought you did a great job putting a unique spin on the prompt and really helping the reader connect with the emotional journey your protagonist Jerry is traveling along. You really did a good job establishing his love for Rumble before introducing the new puppy.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* Formatting-wise, the first paragraph is a bit dense. I would suggest breaking it up just a little for easier readability.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this story. You really captured a great story inspired by the prompt. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
437
437
Review of That Summer  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Edmund Gee -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a really great job coming up with a compelling story and characters based on the picture prompt. I thought the story was well written and really communicated your protagonist's care for Judy, as well as the acute pain of his loss.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* Nothing in particular comes to mind.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

You did a really great job with this story. Thanks for the compelling read! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
438
438
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Kentos Rocand -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I loved the moral of the story at the end... about turning a bad situation into a good one and learning what a little compassion for another person can do, even when it's someone who's wronged you. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I would suggest staying away from words like "apparently." You wrote, "Apparently the rock that I had thrown had broken a window." Instead, I would recommend using a more active description of what happened, so there's no doubt in the reader's mind what happened. Saying, "I broke the window" is more active and more direct than "Apparently, I had broken the window."


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a great job with this story. It has an excellent message and was a pleasure to read. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
439
439
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi BIG BAD WOLF is 35 on June 3 -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really liked the fact that you put a completely unique and original spin on the prompt. Where most people chose to write emotional dramas, you found a way to work in a fresh, exciting angle and it was much appreciated. *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* Nothing comes to mind.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed your entry. It was unique, original, and a fun read. Great job! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
440
440
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi ridinghhood-p.boutilier -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought the message in your story was great. You took the prompt and found an inspirational, motivating twist on it, which really made the story stand out. Well done!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I would have liked a little more detail toward the end. It felt like Jase went to the game, played in the game, lost the game, and learned his lesson all within a relatively short span of time, especially in relation to the other parts of the story (like his visit with his grandmother earlier). Some more detail and description about the latter half of the story would, I think, make the narrative feel a little more balanced and focused on the lesson at the end.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought it was well-written, the characters were compelling, and the lesson learned at the end was a good one. Well done! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
441
441
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

Hi Shannon -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* This was a fantastic story... like so many of yours, it has great, well-developed characters at the center, and a compelling narrative surrounding them. It was a pleasure to read this entry. *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* Absolutely nothing. I couldn't find a thing that needed improvement in this excellent story.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you took the prompt and created a memorable, effective story with it. Outstanding job! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
442
442
Review of Love of the Game  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hi Mara ♣ McBain -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* What a great story, Mara! I thought you did an amazing job with this tale, particularly in your characterization and the pacing, both of which really stood out. Excellent work all around!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* No suggestions for improvement.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought you had a wonderful take on the prompt and ended up with a truly special and engaging story. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
443
443
Review of Always My Brother  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hi Bikerider -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I love the fact that you told this story primarily through the dialogue. I think it helped keep the pace and flow of the story moving forward and you were able to reveal a good deal of character by showing us through their words rather than telling us through the description. Excellent work!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I really have no suggestions for improvement.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this is a solid entry with a good take on the prompt. Nicely done! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations
444
444
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jace,

I thought it only fair to return the favor of reviewing your Dear Me contest entry. I love that fact that someone else isn't satisfied to just write a typical letter, but looks for a creative way to explore the prompt... even if I, like you, must admit it's concerning in that yours is so good I worry it might hurt my own chances! *Laugh* Best of luck with the Dear Me contest and, more importantly, best of luck with your writing this year. I look forward to hopefully basking in success with you! *Bigsmile*
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Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Oldwarrior -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* The imagery in this poem is outstanding. You created a clear sense of both environment and character in your poem, and the reader is left with no doubt as to the kind struggles the narrator has to deal with from their home life. Each stanza had a great vividness to it that really made the entire poem stand out.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The last stanza ("Christmas is a time for sharing & caring") seemed a little out of place to me. IMO, it needs a little more setup and introduction, since the majority of the poem is about a specific set of experiences of the narrator, the message at the end kind of hits us out of the blue all of a sudden. With a little more introduction and setup, I think the message could really hit home in a much more resonant way.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this poem. It was touching and has a great message to it. Well done! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hi mars -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought the repetition of the line "The longing of my soul is deep" in each stanza was a great way to emphasize the emotional message of the poem.

*Bullet* Although there wasn't necessarily a clear rhyme scheme that was followed, the structure of the poem was clear and effective. Each line was well-written and elegant. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The capitalization of each line slightly deterred the readability of the poem, especially since several of the lines appeared to have been intended to be read fluidly. For example, in the first stanza, the complete thought is expressed across two lines: "To feel the December cold touch / My skin and tantalize my lungs." By capitalizing "my" at the beginning of the second line, it appears as if this line is a separate thought, whereas if you were to make "my" lowercase, I think it would help the reader more naturally envision these two lines as part of the same sentence/thought.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this poem. It was touching, well-written, and entertaining. Nicely done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


Animated Tweety Simply Positive group sig.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review of Like A Snowflake  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there,

I came across this story as I was browsing through the Mystery genre items on Writing.Com. I really enjoyed this piece and it would be a pleasure to feature it in this week's issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter. *Smile* Thanks for the opportunity to read your story... keep up the good work and keep writing!

SoCalScribe
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Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there,

I came across this story as I was browsing through the Mystery genre items on Writing.Com. I really enjoyed this piece and it would be a pleasure to feature it in this week's issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter. *Smile* Thanks for the opportunity to read your story... keep up the good work and keep writing!

SoCalScribe
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Review of Stuck On You  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Summer Wind is Healing -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a great job setting up the punchline at the end. By making so much of Mary's time consumed by wondering about the flies, you effectively set the audience up so that the punchline/explanation was satisfying. It explained the strange occurrence with a humorous twist. Nice work! *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I would suggest "less is more" when it comes to your description. There's a tendency to cram one too many adjectives and descriptors into the sentence in this story, and I think it would flow a little better if you selected only the best few words to describe each concept. For example, one sentence reads, "He had just bought a brand new red Jaguar sports car..." and I think it would read a little better if you pared it down a little to something like, "He had just bought a brand new red sports car..." or "He had just bought a brand new red Jaguar..." The use of both 'Jaguar' and 'sports car' actually uses two different nouns to describe the same thing, much as if I were to say, "My wife and his sister decided to..." rather than the simpler and clearer versions, "My wife decided to..." or "His sister decided to..." The clearer and simpler the description, the more vibrant it will be for the reader. *Smile*

*Bullet* I thought that the flies remaining on top of his head was a little confusing. Was the fly ointment something to trap them, or something to attract them? I think that needs to be clarified a little (i.e. that it's something to make them stick), because it seemed like a great deal of the story focused on the fact that they didn't budge while the world around them was windy and chaotic. In that sense, I think it needs to be reinforced that the ointment had trapped them there. If it just attracted them, I would have liked to have seen more emphasis on the attraction (i.e. they're always around him) rather than these specific flies remaining where they are.

*Bullet*Three typos I noticed. In the paragraph that begins, "Am I going crazing?" it should be "Am I going crazy?" Also, there's a close quotation after 'really there' even though the actual closed quotation is at the end of the next sentence. You just need to remove that errant close quotation in the middle of her thoughts. Also, in the paragraph that begins, "Finally, Mark pulled the vehicle over..." it should be 'diner' not 'dinner.'

*Bullet* Formatting-wise, there seems to be a lot of white space between the last line of your story and the bottom of the page. I would delete those extra spaces so there's not such a big gap on the page beneath the story. *Wink*


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed this story. I thought it was very creative and entertaining, and you certainly came up with a great twist at the end. I think the execution feels a little rough and could use some work, but with a quick rewrite, this could be an excellent short story.


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations


Glittering Star SP Sig


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi THANKFUL SONALI Now What? -

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.



WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought you had a great comedic twist at the end of this story. It was presented in an entertaining and enjoyable way, with some familiar characters. *Bigsmile* This piece was well written and fun to read.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I think the story would benefit from a little more detail and description about your character's complete and utter lack of cooking skills. I think this story provides a great opportunity to really build the humor at the end by playing up the calamities in the kitchen at the beginning. Just a small suggestion and the story was enjoyable as it is, but I think this might make the story even stronger.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job incorporating the prompt and the genre into your entry. This was an entertaining, enjoyable entry. Nice job! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in this month's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"Blogocentric Formulations



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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