I think this is off to a great start and captures this autumn season amazingly, however, I would encourage you to edit a few things. Everything seems to flow well together until you hit the last paragraph. It just doesn't flow as well as the other two paragraphs preceeding it. Maybe look for a better transition from describing fall to how it affects your happiness or maybe look for a way to compare autumn and summer first.
I love the mirroring of the first and last sentence, however, like the problem of transition from the paragraphs above, it seems forced. While you mention leaves and the chilly air in the sentence above it, you last sentence needs a better segue.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us all. I love how you capture fall and I am excited to see more from you.
This form of writing, these glimpses into tragedy where character development isn't needed and a whole bunch of back story won't do anything but fluff it up, is my favorite types of writing. I think you captured this moment very well. I could relate to the character and you gave just enough detail to make that feeling of freedom relateable to numerous scenarios. I think you played it out well and people can take this story at face value or go ahead and make it into whatever they feel led to make it into. My only advice would be to read it aloud again and maybe insert some commas to help the flow of the piece.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I hope to read more from you soon!
I really enjoyed the simplicity yet the power of the plot line. I think the emotion could be played up a bit with some more detail, but overall i think it was a pretty good story. I like how in teh beginning you talk about Mr. Randelman being someone even Eddie's parents thought wasn't socially suitable and then you made it to where he was the one to actually save Eddie. I could see you turning this into a little bit longer of a story and even maybe adding some background info on Mr. Randelman. It could have a bit more of a background of what makes him not such a great guy, and maybe add some kind of interaction between Eddie and his parents.
Thank you so much for sharing. I really think you have a great start of something here!
"Whose these weary branches,
spreading wide and free?
Whose this heart warm and strong?"
The first line is very though provoking starting with a question but it has a grammatical error. If you are asking who the branches belong to you need to add the word "are" if you are asking who the branches are you need to use "Who is" in the contraction form. the same goes for the following Whose in the next line.
I enjoyed the poem overall. It is rather well written and has many great moments. I would take a look at all of the "It's Me!" sections in teh piece and rework some of them. It went rather well when you worded that section differently to say "from me" instead and i think in certain places switching it up again may be useful. For example here:
A wheelbarrow took my thousand eyes
For everyone to see.
Here is the skeleton of the tree.
Whose ashes are these?
- they asked,
It’s me! It’s me!
It’s me!
Thank you so much for sharing! i hope to read more soon from you.
I think this is a paradox a lot of people face and it offers many questions that are similar to how we all think. I dont know if the quote at the end is as effective as you may want it to be. I think this would also make a fantastic longer piece if you ever wanted to develop it into something like that. Thank you so much for writing this and sharing it with us all! Keep it up!
This was funny and really well written. I could just imagine things taking place as you wrote them. You descrpitions and internal thoughts were great. I love the padding from movie to movie and how it built up to the end. Talladega Nights... Great quotes really do come from that movie. :)
I only found one minor slip up in the whole piece occuring in the last line : the like cab ---> like the cab
Otherwise it was an excellent read! Thanks for sharing!
I like the fact that this is abstract and yet cohesive in a way. I have never been to New jersey but I have hear a great deal about it and I think you capture a simple moment inside such a vast little state. You put subtle detials that create large pictures and have a very good way of adding yourself to the piece. Thank you for sharing!
Kristina
In the third stanza you switch from first person to second person. You start off saying my friends and then in the third line switch to 'when your sick' ( in which that your should be you're).
Overall it is a very well written piece to your friends and I am sure they have enjoyed knowing how much you appreciate them. With a little tightening ( punctuation and the minor changes I noted) you should have an even better piece.
Sounds like you have great friends. Thank you for sharing!
Kristina
I just read another sonnet and wrote on how i love the form of sonnets. While I loved your piece I did not feel it captured the true essence of the from of poetry. The rhyming felt off and it did not flow as well as I would have hoped. read it outloud and you will see what I mean. With a few changes you can have a wonderful poem here. Thank you so much for writing and sharing!
I love sonnets. There is just something so beautiful in their formats. Here you use the sonnet to capture something even more breath taking than the form of poem itself. I love how it does not end in anger or pain but gratitude. Thank you so much for sharing this! Keep on writing!
I love poetry written on this subject because I had a friendship like this recently and like you wrote " no take backs but no regrets". i really didn't like the formatting of the piece all that much. when I got the the end of the first set on the left I wasn't sure If I was supposed to go to the top of the right side... I figured it out but it did result in a pause in my reading.
I do love the repeating lines throughout the piece. It really does get the point across. Other than the format I could not find anyhting else i would change. Thank you so much for sharing!
I liked the piece. I don't know what others could say was bad about it but i like it. It is simple, charming and while it comes off kind of humourous I think it really captures the relationship a lot of people have with food. I'm not so sure about the couplet at the end. It doesn't seem to add anything to the piece. I think if it was omitted the last line of the main stanza would suffice as an ending.
Thank you so much for sharing this, and like I said I don't know what people could find bad about this.
I wasn't sure If I was going to like it at first, but boy did I enjoy this. I love the opposing stanzas and thoughts. The descriptions are genious. You provoke so much imagery without having to drag out the descriptions with words. The opposing stanzas provide an abrupt stop to the imagery which is brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing.
This was riveting. The imagery you provide is immacualte. you leave nothing out and every turn and ache in the body is described. The voice behind the story was so strong and the diction choices really made the piece. bravo! Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us all! Great job!
You capture christmas Beautifully here. I love the contrasts made throughout the piece. You have a true talent. I feel all warm just thinking about the ideas of christma here, so many people including myself have lost these feelings and smiles. Thank you so much for sharing this with us and reminding us all about the better sides of the holidays!
WOW. there is such a strong emotion and voice behind this story that is told. It doesn't even feel like a poem. It feels like something so much more. When I read it i felt every emotion shinging through each stanza. I know this kind of fear and that may help. Thank you for sharing this with the whole community. I think more light should be shined on the bravery of children in situations like this. I really thank you for writing this! keep on writing!
Haha. I love this poem. Even big kids should not be given drums. The rhythm You created was great with the banging of the drums. And I love the word 'cacophonous', it flowed in there beautifully.
thank you so much for sharing this with us all. Hope the ears aren't still ringing!
The story you have created here is so vivid and strong. I think there are a lot of people who can relate to this piece. the way you use punctuation is great. I think it creates more eye candy for the brain. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope things get better for you at work... or maybe its time to find something you love to do evenmore.
Great piece. There are some minor technical items that could be adressed. I have listed some of them below. The first one however is a bit of a writing challenge that I too find difficulty in sometimes: commas. Commas really break up the piece and give mark of natural pauses and written in pauses. Try reading it out loud and then place a comma where ever you feel there needs to be a small pause (whereever you take a breath or pause before the next word). Thank you so much for shairng this with us! it is the start to something great!
its betrays your eyes----> it instead of its
as you look again but still nothings here -----> nothing's
I love this piece. while I did not have to reread it it did leave me thinking so I think you did your job. I would add commas and punctuation though to add the dramatic pauses and break up the htoughts a little more because as i was reading it out loud i could find places where natural pauses should be marked. try reading it out loud and then add commas where ever the poem pauses. Thank you so much for sharing this with us all!
Wow. This was a really amazing and deep piece. Thank you so much for writing it! I love how you made its form resemble a tornado ( a real weapon of mass destruction from mother earth). The language you use and voice behind it really make the piece. While I think the form takes enough care of this others might say you need to add more punctuation. For my taste I think it came off fine without it but keep it in mind. Thank you for choosing to post and share this with us!
I love the idea of the piece and the voice you wirte with is so strong! below I listed some minor details i found that may need a little mending to help make the piece even better! thank you so much for sharing this with us all, it was a great read!
respect of life ----> period at the end of this to signify a pause.
with some self worth ----> try a semi-colon here to break up the sentence.
or what I think maybe ---> everywhere else in the poem the voice is so confident and strong, here the maybe shows a little self-doubt. I think erasing the maybe would keep the voice strng and keep the piece flowing.
placing images or feelings
feelings or images -----------------> you have feelings listed twice
Also I would just read through it outloud and find the pauses and place commas there. That really would help to break up the thoughts.
Thank you once again for sharing! keep on writing!
How scandlous. I love the idea behind this poem, though I would never have a secret love for keeping secrets is not my forte. The idea and story of the piece help to push it along even though there is not real form, meter or rhyme. I would read it over though because in some areas it really does not flow together, which kind of leads the mind astray. Other than that good job and thank you for sharing1
This is a very interesting pipece. I was sort of thrown off by the title at first but in the end it tied it together. The imagery you use in this piecec is brilliant and so vivid! I'm going to read it a couple more times to make sure I get it completely! Thank you so much for deciding to share this with us.
What a cute piece! I love the story here and the journey the little mud man took to be happy. the rhyming and the sue of couplets worked out great. It was such a great read, light and happy. Thank you so much for posting it up for all of us to read!
Kristina
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jesterfeign
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 6:10am on May 05, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
