The first thing I want to say (I'm about halfway down) is that its sort of confusing. The descriptions are amazing, very professional sounding, but I have no real context to back any of this up. Most of the things you describe require some pre-existing knowledge of how your world works, from the bullwarks, to the mages staffs, to the strangely named "Magi" people, whatever they are. It makes it really difficult to follow anything other than the descriptions, and your summary didn't really help. If I were to give you advice (and this is coming from someone who thinks they suck at writing, but are great at storytelling.) I would say to write a draft of your entire story, putting extra effort on where it ends, then start again. I also noticed that it has been about two years since you started part one, which makes me not really want to spend time on it. I don't think anyone can truly keep on the same mindset after two years, and I doubt that you will finish this story because of that.
I can tell you this with certainty though, you are a much better writer than I am. You can put descriptions and lines together in a really engaging way, and it makes your writing seem really professional. But, you're actual story is just plain confusing. I wont say boring, because I was rather intrigued at first, but the longer I went on, the more I realized that there is no set up, no explanation. Just, here's my story, enjoy the ride. Now, maybe I just haven't gotten far enough into the story to understand, but I don't want to be forced to read "x" amount of chapters before finally getting there, (especially when yours are so long). When people read a story, they immediately look for the hook. The thing that makes them keep reading, and yours doesn't have that. We just kind of get plopped into this situation, with no explanation as to why, and are expected to keep reading to find out if we might like it. That's a waste of your readers time frankly, and expecting this out of them makes it seem like your story can only stand on it's amazing descriptions legs.
Now, my story is quite different. I wrote every single day, from february 19th, until june when I finished. Once I looked over my 300 plus pages, I left unsatisfied, feeling not enough was given, and the story ended strangely. So now, I am about halfway through re-writing the ENTIRE thing, with new and better story elements. No-one has seen my first draft other than me, and that is where I feel your story is still at. When I was at this point, I had no idea really where my story was going, I simply wanted to write. But by the end, I had such a great understanding of what I wanted it to be, that I've spawned the ideas for two more books based on the original storyline that went un-used. Before, I was simply writing, now, I am storytelling, because I know where it's going, where it ends, and why I want to tell this story.
"Hidelwine was a young man of 16 the day the Emperor's City met with a powerful new enemy. It was a cool, misty evening when the mask-shrouded warlock invaded the capital leading another conjurer of magic and a horde of vicious, half-breed warriors. Together, they aimed to pillage the keep below the emperor's palace. In these sacred, ironclad vaults the warlock believed a valuable artifact had been stowed-- a relic he deemed was rightfully his. It had been called many things. The legacy heirloom, the goddess ember, and the life stone were but a few. The true power of this artifact remained a mystery.
Though the warlock and his horde battled fiercely, they never breached the emperor's palace, nor entered the sacred keep. They were overwhelmed by the Imperial legion, a more tactical and finer outfitted army. When they recognized the battle was lost, the warlock fled with his companion and what was left of the half-bred. The Imperial soldiers and scouts tracked their attackers, but they fled at an ungodly pace. The tales say the warlock and sorcerer appeared to glide over the hills, only grazing the land beneath them. Two days on the run, they escaped to the northern shores of the Great Continent, where their longboats had been anchored. From there, the legion scouts watched them sail far across the horizon, toward the black cloud of Godstorm Island. Neither the warlock, nor his minions were heard from again.
It was because of this battle that Hidelwine committed to his passion for the arcane. Despite the warlock's defeat, the siege upon the capital inspired him. And for reasons he would soon tell, it absorbed and possessed him... and never let go. Just days after the failed attack, Hidelwine left the Emperor's City to make refuge in the secluded village of Higherwere, where he would spend the next 20 years studying magic and ancient lore. In that time he created the Arcaven, both as a tribute to the warlock and as a continuation of his work."
I read this part, and it slightly gave me an idea about the main character. but still I'm left wondering about the story.
Here's an example. Although I can see vast differences in your story, if there was a line somewhere saying, "This story takes place in the lord of the rings universe," it would immediately make more sense, Because we'd have a sense of what makes this world unique. Yours is just using pre-existing background (I'm literally waiting for elves and dwarves to pop up, now that you have included orcs as half-breeds.) that half of all fantasy writer keep recycling. Tell us why we should choose your story over the next epic fantasy that pops in every other week. Make us care.
I would give you more edits on things like grammar, but im not very good at that, and your story seems pretty much perfect, so thats why I just gave you my thoughts and opinions.
I hope you don't take what I wrote too harshly, I simply gave you my bitter thoughts. I tend to not sugar coat my opinions, because sugar coating simply takes away from the true feeling behind my opinion.
My opinion wasn't "maybe your story could use work, but its still really good!"
It was "You need to change this asap," and that's how I presented it. If you ever write a Prologue of some sort, i would be glad to read it, because you are a fantastic writer, and I think there is massive potential if you can find the right story to propel that skill along. That's why I'm still going to give you five stars. Because for what this is, it is truly perfect.
Thanks for the read. |
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