This was really good. One of the best stories I've read on this website without a doubt. You truly have a passion and ability for storytelling which comes through in the story at every twist and turn. The story starts very quickly with interesting details, diologue, and characters. Everything about it had me hooked practically right away, reading this was no chore. I loved it. You also have a great way of describing just enough to grant a mental picture without forcing the story down any particular route. I also really liked it when Johnson drove his truck through the wall, felt over the top and slightly hilarious as he clambors out. The mystery with the animals was well set-up, the police officer disappearing, all great suspense, leading to a horrifying and mysterious end. (For the prologue anyways.)
Budsworth is a great character, and I like Dreamer as a name, very memorable. I also like how they are S.W.A.T instead of just regular cops or something, new twist on these types of tales. One or two story things that bothered me were the bloody bullet nailing to the wall: it would likely shatter as it went through the man's skull or upon impact if the bone wasn't enough, so it makes it seem kind of goofy to imagine a tiny little bullet nailed to the wall, but good description none the less. And Higgs's body. Five days have passed since Budsworth fell unconscious, so Higgs should be getting pretty smelly and decayed by this point, and I think it is more protocol to keep bodies in a cooler at a morgue, so having him layed out on a table seems strange. But I loved the description of the white sheets sinking into red blood on his chest, paints a great picture.
I really enjoyed this story, thanks for inviting me to read it.
Now just to say, going through, I noticed spelling errors, incorrect commas, missing apostrophes, and lots of them, too. You should copy and paste the story in Google documents and run a spell check, it would make things a lot simpler. I'm no grammar Nazi, but I imagine the people who are will be quite distracted by these.
I'm going to re-write a couple paragraphs of your story as if I'm editing it, just so you can have an example of another way to do it. I think the way you have written your story is very good, I just think sometimes you use too many words to describe certain thing, but rarely. You have done a good job of keeping the pace.
Hers is your original.
Budsworth stood up, his back against the wall. Beside him was the entrance to a room of sorts. He peaked out from behind the wall. He couldn't see anyone inside. In the dead center of the room wall sat a window. Light casted in as a single golden beam hitting the corroded wooden floor. He twirled out from the safety of the wall. Aimed his gun around the room... still nothing.
Budsworth continued swiftly down the hall towards the next doorway into another room. He peeked into the room. The criminal wasn't in here, but someone else was. “Oh my God,” his pistol lower. The sight he had seen in there was much worse. There stood a woman chained to a brick wall behind her. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She quietly sobbed. Budsworth hurried up towards her. She Glanced up at him, "Please, please help me," she sobbed. Black streaks of makeup stretch down her face. The sight made Budsworth stomach tighten. Who the hell would do this? No one could ever deserve such a think
Rewritten:
Budsworth stood, his back pressed against the wall. Beside him was the entrance to a room. (Big, Small? Was it dark? Add adjective.) He peaked out from behind the wall. He couldn't see anyone inside, but in the center of the wall there was a single window. Light flew in from outside as a golden beam touching the corroded wood floor. Budsworth twirled out from the safety of his corner, aiming his gun around the room, but still there was nothing.
Budsworth continued down the hall to the next doorway. He peeked inside and saw that the criminal wasn't here, but someone else was.
“Oh my God,” Budsworth croaked in horror.
His pistol slowly lowered. The sight was much worse than what he could have been prepared for. There was a woman standing, chained to a brick wall at her back. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she quietly sobbed. Budsworth hurried towards her, inspiring the woman to Glance up at him,
"Please, please help me," she sobbed.
Black streaks of makeup streamed down her face. The sight made Budsworth's stomach tighten. Who the hell could do this? No one deserved such a thing.
Now remember, this is just a suggestion, I am by no means saying you have done a bad job. I'm not published, and I'm not claiming to be an expert. I'm just offering a second look.
To wrap this up, I think you are a very, very, passionate writer, and I can tell that you enjoy this story as much as you expect your audience to. I really can't wait to find out what happens next, and would love to read more. Please, Please, never quit writing, because I know that if you don't, one day you will be published. Great job, |
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