I hardly ever give a 5.0, but it is difficult not to do so here. Perhaps it is because I am vulnerable to butterflies -- and the whole "metamorphosis" thing. Perhaps it is because you have centered your text -- which, given the right choice of words and line-length, is a perfect touch. Or, perhaps, it is your final lines:
"To be next in line
To pass through Heaven's Gate"
Perhaps, it is all these things. Regardless, I choose to bestow a 5.0 -- and, I see, that I am not alone in doing so.
You have represented all of the subtleties that I look for in a piece: A mix of words and images and line-lengths. (I know that last comment might sound silly, but some of the most powerful poems I have ever read were as interesting visually as they were in content.)
And speaking of content, you have it here -- of the kind that tugs then clutches the heart, like a drowning man desperately grabs onto a lifeguard, struggling for life. Yet, you also include such poignant, touching, simple lines, as:
"Simplicity of love,
Is all that I seek."
This helps add a shade of emotional complexity to the piece that intrigues the mind -- as well as the heart.
Thank you for being so vulnerable; I know that is painful, but it does help create the opportunity for a reader to connect with what you have written. (A wise man once told me that no communication takes place until someone is wiling to be vulnerable.)
Eli
PS: I was also deeply moved by your "A Prayer for Faith."
I did read this several times -- and enjoyed it more with each reading. Though I usually prefer some spacing between key lines (a personal bias, I admit) that mattered little here. This piece presented a nice mix of the personal and the professional: personal, from the standpoint that you are talking about a relationship; professional, because you did not get "sappy." (I admit, I hate "sappy.")
The lines I felt most revealing/rewarding:
"She was beautiful then;
a memory now"
Eli
PS: Not sure about the spelling of "jewellery." Maybe, one "l"?"
I will tell you that this piece made me smile -- not in that "I just heard a joke" way -- but in that way that real life brings smiles, naturally ... The question you present, "What did Jesus look like?" is really a variation on all the essential questions a child asks: Why is there air? ... Why is ... Unlike some of the clumsy answers that I -- as a parent -- have offered up, your piece serves up enough wit to be interesting but not so much to be pretentious. I only wish this piece were longer. I really do. (And I rarely say that.) It seems that you could have provoked a more complex discussion, both on race and gender -- but I say that selfishly. I felt the same way with Joan Osborne's heart-felt refrain: "What if God were one of us?" -- and I wanted to scream out, "But He was!" ... I don’t think she heard me.
I don't know where to begin ... perhaps, the olive tree: a tree that shows its age with a powerful, magnificently marvelous twisted character that reveals both beauty and pain. We who have lived awhile (and I have lived 56 years, and counting) can appreciate words like you have presented here. Others (who are much, much younger) read such words and stare blankly: "What means this?" they ponder -- but they will know, someday. Thank you, "hummingbug." Thank you for articulating wisdom, which can only be found by living -- one arduously long day at a time.
My favorite line:
"Oldness saves the day"
When I was age 17, I would not have appreciated those four words. But now -- now they are "four score," and more.
What a lovely, personal and powerful piece. You have captured the essence of "woman" (see link below): "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." Man is not complete without woman. I know, from personal experience -- as a son and husband and father. When you wrote, "She knows nothing of her perfection and sleeps with the lies that humanity has thrown in her face," you are absolutely correct. Society (at large) does not understand "woman" because it has never had to deal with her absence. Eve may have tainted "woman" but "Mary" has redeemed her -- and it. You have attempted to re-articulate the abundant blessing that is "woman." I hope -- and pray -- that many others accept, and understand, your inspirational message.
Thank you, humbly,
Eli
PS: God understands a woman's importance -- mere "man," often, does not ... i try to ...
What wonderful "symbolism." The circle has neither a beginning, nor an end. It is eternity. And "gold" is divinity. I loved the repetition of the line: "Ring around my finger." It is the cycle of life. It is "deja vu." We have all been here before -- many times. And we will, yet again. Forever. Trust is such a wonderful part of love, and you have articulated it well.
As it says in Ecclesiastes 1:7, "All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again."
The sea is never full -- and neither is the heart ...
We have all looked at the sky -- and wondered: What is out there? What messages dare I try to discern? You have personalized this wonder in an intimate way. Are the stars trying to send a message? Is the sky God's garment that he will ultimately roll away -- like a scroll -- to reveal a grander scheme?
My favorite lines in this piece are:
"the stars shine brighter
and the moon grins wider
when I search for you"
I hope your search reaches its ultimate destination.
An interesting juxtaposition: lightness vs. darkness. And a clear choice: one or the other -- black or white. Most people try to nudge their work to the nebulous "gray," the nether-land, so as not to offend or confound the reader. But there are times I prefer to be confounded -- and this was one of them. This piece provokes the reader to make a decision: "The Lady or the Tiger." Open the door -- then deal with the consequences. I think that God often presents things this starkly for effect -- and rightly so.
What a wonderful service you have done for all the poets at Writing.com. This piece, one of the few 5.0's I have ever given, is so good that I immediately made it one of my favorites. You presented in rare "compactness of thought" the essence of what so many others have tried to explain using many more words. Most recently -- just this past week, in fact -- I read several chapters about poetry, but I gained more insight in your brief (520-word) piece, than I have in many years. Thank you ...
Exuberantly,
Eli
PS: I have visited your "port" previously and equally been rewarded. Again, thank you.
This piece touched my heart. The pain is so evident. It must have been difficult to open up in such a vulnerable way. But I believe that in doing so, you will help others who also struggle with shadowy feelings that lurk in the dark, tear-streaked caves of their soul. Shedding light on such pain is no doubt a step toward a path of healing and restoration.
This is a wonderful, poetic and personalized rendering of the Apostle Paul's powerful and tumultuous passage. I have wrestled with these profound and troubling words myself, but I have never been able to re-articulate them so eloquently. You have made them your own, and I am deeply touched by your effort. We all struggle. Every day. Yet, somehow, there is "victory" on the other side of the struggle. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us already feel.
Your words portray a powerful statement, along the lines of Psalm 19. Thank you for having the conviction to share your faith so boldly. May God bless you, accordingly.
In appreciation,
Eli
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