At first I wasn't sure if you mean a line of vehicles or the lines painted on the road. I'm going with the assumption that it is the latter. What it is, is how the world is viewed when we are in love. All things pertain to it, even the ripples in the middle of the highway. It's both alluring in its seeking of the "other" and well written.
Firstly, welcome to Writing.com! I hope you enjoy your time here. If you have any questions, feel free to ask
This is a very interesting and inspirational story. You capture the mood well and show the emotions so that your reader can really get into this. Your grammar is sound and I didn't spot any typos.
The only thing this story, in my opinion, would benefit from is a slight change to the format. I always find it easier to read if the piece is broken up into paragraphs. At the moment, your story is one big paragraph which is a little hard on the eyes, but if you found some natural breaks in the story and simply inserted a paragraph break, that would sort the problem out in no time.
Firstly, allow me to thank you for your invitation. When I read the description (“make of it what you will”) I knew that I was going to like this. I am a sucker for ambiguous stories; nothing irritates me more than a writer who insists on spelling everything out for me. So full marks for the beginning
As it happens, the word “ambiguous” perhaps isn’t the right one. I found this story neither vague nor confusing. It’s one of those where the reader, in the absence of clear instructions like “his name is Joe, he is blond and has blue eyes”, fills in the blanks as they see fit. Consequently each reader makes this story their own and sees whatever pictures your words evoke.
And those pictures were exquisite. Even without the title, the reader feels the calmness of this scene, and I for one was lost in your beautiful descriptions. This is an event that is unlikely to ever occur to me, yet I could understand your main characters emotions and motivation perfectly because you allowed the reader to look into her head and go every step of the way with her.
Your writing was truly superb and I enjoyed the read very much.
A beautiful story, quiet and introspective – the kind that leaves the reader sitting for a while after they have finished, contemplating what they have read. Your character development is superb, and while we never hear Vivianne say anything apart from a few words in Polish, we seem to know her, just as your main character. The descriptions are clear and detailed and the reader gets an excellent picture of the town and the people in it. What I found most fascinating was your main character’s relationship with Vivianne and the way their slightly strange friendship grows it in the story. Very good job, well done
A great story, one that can stand on its own but where the reader is almost begging for it to be part of a bigger story. It sounds like Neil would be a great guy to know, and I think I’m not alone when I say that I wish he was my friend.
The story is well written – apart from a few typos (see below) it is technically sound, your character descriptions are brilliant and your writing is very funny. I only wished it hadn’t ended so quickly, I wanted to read more!
”Demontstrates” – demonstrates
"Unstoppable?"His grandfather peeps into the kitchen. – space after closing speech marks
"When you gonna grow upNeil, m'boy?" – space or comma after “up”
This is a great story of love and regret. I don’t know if this is a true story for you, but it certainly is for me and I suspect many readers who have experienced similar. What makes this story so outstanding is the almost touchable emotions. Your main character wishes to remember the man she once knew, and in doing so neglects the man he has become and ends up plagued by guilt. You start the story with one of her favourite memories and it develops smoothly from there, showing the reader why she feels how she feels. Your descriptions are excellent, especially at the beginning, setting the scene. A superb story, I really enjoyed the read.
This is nice, a very uplifting piece. Quite evidently you are very much in love and ready to share the feeling with the world It's great to have this kind of inspiration for your work!
You need to choose a content rating for this item or it won't show up in the public listings (which means you get less readers). Also, it would be a good idea to choose an item type and a few genres instead of "other" - "romance/love", for example, or "inspirational". I read a great article on this subject yesterday which might be of use to you because it explains what I'm trying to say much better than I can:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1229902 by Not Available.
There are a couple of minor grammatical errors in this piece, if you want I can point them out but as this is very personal I assume you wrote it straight from the heart and might not be worried. Let me know if you are interested
Very good advice! This is one of those stories that brings tears to your eyes. Made me think of my own grandparents, and that I never spent enough time with them.
This is well written and, despite the need to reach for tissues, not melodramatic. I hope it will do well in the contest.
Just a few minor things:
You might want to add a link to the contest it was written for, or a brief description what the prompts and/or constraints were, just for info for the reader.
It was a nice gift and a fraction of the cost the video game would've cost him. - perhaps replace the first "cost" with "price"? Also, I would probably put "would have" instead of "would've"
I know I don't much time left - I know I don't have much time left
(I know you can't do anything about this right now until the contest is over but thought I'd mention it anyway.)
I really liked this story. You show the same event from three different points of view - amazing how different people's perceptions can be! You did a great job.
The ending left me a little disappointed. I was hoping to get more of a reaction from the narrator. Instead there was no real closure at all. I like a bit of suspense but I think it was too much!
The story needs a title and a description. You are competing with thousands of writers on this site for readers, and the first thing they see about your work is its name and a short description of what it is about. Don't waste it! It needs to be something that really makes others want to read it.
A couple of typos:
It was then that Akshat took every thing back on track - everything
All his does is wasting time. - all he does, or all this does?
A very interesting poem, especially the ending. It is not often that people who find themselves in this situation are able to walk away from it. I hope that these are not your own experiences.
The title of the poem is intriging, but the short description lets it down a bit. You are competing for readers with thousands of poets on this site. The short description is an ideal tool to make the reader want to click on your work. A simple "read it" doesn't do the trick. Perhaps consider a line from the poem that sums it up, or a few words that say what the poem is about.
I kicked, I screamed,I yelled, I cried - space before "I yelled"
That leaving you will make you pain - "cause" you pain?
Your rhymes seem to be off in a few places. Personally, I like reading rhyming poems, but only if the words that you choose work. Rhymes like "stay-pain" or "nothing-day" don't - perhaps you want to consider some different words without changing the meaning.
Don't forget my previous disclaimer - I'm not a poet so feel free to disregard any comment I made. Thank you for inviting me to visit your portfolio
This is a great article. You combine your own experience with some research and come up with something that your local paper should definitely be delighted to publish. Go send it - well, perhaps wait till December (assuming that the market will be there again) to give them a little publicity
Does it make me a bad person that I laughed out loud at the last line? I couldn't help it. I'm kind of hoping that this one isn't a true story, but I rather guess it is. Well, if it isn't for you then it is for loads of people out there
Incidentally, you make reference to the word "boyfriend" written in italics - on writing.com, to use italics simly put {i} before the word, and {/i} after the word to get this effect.
Oh my, you've hit the nail on the head again. So I'm forty-one and not twenty anymore, but I can still relate to this article. You express thoughts that most of us have at some point in our lives, and you do it in a lighthearted way that makes the reader laugh while inwardly stopping to take stock. I like the voice you use and your choice of words very much - this article would not be out of place on the "comments" pages of any newspaper. Great work
Well this one is obviously a true story! I know that because I've been there, lol. I found myself nodding in agreement all the way through (except for the part about the wife - my wife would kill me if she saw me agreeing to that one!)
Nice to see that there are (still) other people who share my opinion.
I think the piece would probably benefit from a bit more structure, like a few paragraph breaks, and there were a couple of typos:
Certainly a very interesting start, a bit different from the usual "boy-meets-girl" thing. You managed to hold my attention, and while I was a little confused at the beginning who your narrator was, I got over it after a few paragraphs.
Grammar and punctuation need looking at, but I understand this is a draft so you will probably catch the errors when you edit. Here are a few that cought my eye:
"Maybe she thought to herself maybe I can speed the process up." - That sentence needs punctuation.
"I was suddenly perfectly in tune with her feelings and realized she was completely in love with this new man. She goes to kiss him and I see his face." - You write most of the story in past tense but here you suddenly switch to present tense.
"Just as I’m sitting down at my desk to do my homework, my mom yells up the stairs." - Tense change again - there are a few of those particularly toward the end.
A nice start. You made me curious to find out how they get together. Let me know when the story is finished, I'd like to read it again.
That was quite a wilde ride. Firstly, your intro really drew me in. When I skimmed down and saw how long the story was I wasn't quite sure if I had time to read all of it. When I had finished the intro I felt I had to make time. Now that's a great start to a story - when your reader can't put it down, you've done a good job.
Your descriptions were very good - too good in parts, and, for my liking, too graphic but nevertheless well done. I liked how you introduced the family into the story, and most readers will probably think they are the heroes and are going to save the day, so their early demise comes as a bit of a shock. There was one thing there that didn't seem to make sense:
"...like a spitting breath of a dragon, as Raymond would recall later." That sentence implies that there is a "later" - but there isn't.
The ending was interesting. The way you described the mountain people, forest people and town people rebuilding their lives, and then conclude that they had a chance to correct the mistakes of the past was very well done.
What a beautiful Christmas story. You capture the Christmas spirit so well, and the story is moving without being melodramatic. The reader couldn’t help but feel sorry for Mr. Johnson, and I’m sure all of us know a “Mr. Johnson” somewhere who deserves a little extra kindness during the Christmas season. Your story was a great reminder of that.
I really enjoyed the read, and I can’t think of anything that needs changing or improving. Very good job.
A very nice sentiment and a story that would have been perfect for Christmas, had it not been for the numerous errors. On the positive side, I didn’t find any spelling mistakes (apart from that one in the title...)– well done. Unfortunately, your grammar and punctuation were all over the place. I won’t point out all the errors in this review because there are simply too many of them, but I suggest you read the story again and pay particular attention to speech marks and capital letters.
If one of your characters speaks, there should be an opening speech mark before the first word, and a closing one after the last one, with either a comma before the closing one (if you follow the sentence with something like “he said”) or a period. For example, this sentence:
I heard it Dad, “Melissa replied“
should read:
“I heard it, Dad,“ Melissa replied.
Words that follow a comma should not be capitalized, so for example this sentence:
I’ve never seen a tree so decorated; All that tinsels, All them lights, Look at all those candy canes.
should read:
I’ve never seen a tree so decorated; all that tinsels, all those lights, look at all those candy canes.
When a different character speaks, you should start a new paragraph. It can be hard for the reader to work out who is speaking, especially if you have difficulties with speech marks. For example, this paragraph:
As we are opening the presents. Carol turns too me, then smiles. You are sneaky. What?
You stayed up late to put these out here. No, I didn’t. Yes you did. That’s why you stayed up late.
should read something like this:
As we are opening the presents. Carol turns too me, then smiles. “You are sneaky,” she says.
A scary story. The worst thing is that it is probably true. You describe scenes that happen at every school, every day (thankfully, with the exception of the ending). Switching the POV is a good idea, it allows you to give your readers insight into all your characters' emotions. The differences in the ways your characters talk (and you write) worked well for me, although I can hear some readers complaining that you should be able to make the reader "hear" your characters talk without resorting to incorrect spelling and grammar - I would normally be one of them, but I here it adds to the credibility of the story. However, it makes it difficult to point out errors as I cannot be sure if they were meant to be there or not
You did a good job in showing all your characters' feelings and problems. The piece could use some work to make sure that your spelling and grammar is as you intended it to be, and I think the last paragraph is supposed to be headed "Greame", not "George".
An interesting poem. I like that you have classed this as "satire", and the last stanza makes it perfectly clear that this isn't really to be understood as an outright attack, it's merely an observation.
A few technical points:
"ringing for me" seems redundant. It is enough that it is ringing, and I think has a better flow.
There seems to be a slight confusion over singular and plural; whether the poem speaks to a group or an individual. Here: "Cause you're my biggest fan" it's singular, but here: "Why won't you live your own lives?" it is plural. If you are expressing concern with both it needs to be identified, and I would stick with the singular or the plural, but not both. Your message seems convoluted that way.
It is clearly a work of angst and dissatisfaction with someone or many. You mention the lies and acts of destruction, but the poem is not specific either in subject or in allusions as to what that dissatisfaction
may be other than lies.
The poem tends to meander some. You mention the telephone but never return to it. You make references that the average reader cannot de-cipher without the situation. You could solve this by alluding to what the situation is. It seems you wrote the poem for just two people: you and the one who has wronged you. In addition, while this works as a catharsis, your reader,
unless they also feel wronged will not be able to identify.
As I said, poems like these are great as a catharsis, a way to get rid of your anger. Sometimes we just need to get our anger out when we feel someone has used us wrongly.
This is an interesting story, and more than the average "young adult - romance" piece. You introduce the "club" and its mysterious rules quite late in the story, but even before the reader gets the idea that your characters' relationship is a little unusual. The ending left me slightly disappointed. I understand this is part of a longer piece, but this didn't seem like a good point to stop for me. The characters are half way through their conversation, and even though this is an excerpt, the reader still requires some kind of closure.
One other suggestion: It would read easier if you inserted a line between the paragraphs.
Ok, I'm sure I'm supposed to understand the significance of the cup and the golden arches, but I don't quite get it. Rest assured that I feel suitably stupid, lol. Nevertheless, this is a great story which, despite the fact that it is quite short, draws the reader in and leaves them satisfied. Your descriptions are great and the opening paragraph subtly tells the reader what they need to know about the situation. I loved the mention of her "purple skin" towards the end, it nicely slots things into place for the reader.
I only have one suggestion: It would make it easier to read in you left a line between the paragraphs. You can still leave a larger gap between the first and second half of the story, or insert some kind of a break like "***" to tell the reader that something different was about to happen.
Now, please put me out of my mysery and tell me what the cup and the golden arches are
Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" contest.
This story had me hooked right to the very end. Then, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed. The story had great potential, and the atmosphere you created was both creepy and mysterious – I was wondering what they were doing, exactly, why the church was filled with human sculls, and if the Reverend was called “Sculley” by coincidence… The ending came too abruptly and didn’t satisfy my curiosity. Who was the stranger, why was he an old enemy? I read the story again to make sure I didn’t miss anything – please tell me I did, I really liked the beginning and would love to feel the same way about the ending I think if you worked on the ending this would be an excellent story.
A very descriptive story. You created pictures for your readers as if they were blind, if that makes any sense, and you did an excellent job. The only thing that, in my opinion, let the story down is the ending. To have the whole mystery explained in one paragraph left me a little disappointed. After the great build-up, the rising tension throughout the story, I expected more of a climax. I think that can be easily fixed by just expanding on the last paragraph. Don’t just tell the reader – show them. You did such a great job showing everything else!
Thank you for entering the contest
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