A very disturbing story. You did a good job showing the reader a glimpse of your main character’s life. Unfortunately, confusing as the episode is for your character, it also is for the reader. You achieved your goal of showing what it is like, but it was a bit of a headache to read.
There are a few technical points that might help straighten the story up and make them smoother to read without altering your message:
"Oh, my God!" it was a tombstone. Why was a tombstone on her lap and why couldn't she see? She thought.
"Oh, Jesus!" What could be going on," she thought. "Where am I, how did I get here, where is here, what was that?" – The grammar and punctuation is a bit off here. If you are using quotation marks to notate your character’s thoughts, you should be consistent. Is the second sentence supposed to be her thoughts?
From pain, fear, agony, anger, and confusion. – I would take out either “pain” or “agony”, it seems repetitive.
What had happend to her mind, – happened
He used to finnish her thoughts, - finish
Nevertheless, the story is well written and with a bit of polishing could be quite excellent.
This was very creepy. You did a great job creating a scary atmosphere in so few words, and your descriptions were excellent. I especially liked this one:
"...their patchy branches hanging like the knarled bony knuckles of an old man"
I read this twice in an attempt to actually "get it", and to be honest, I don't think I necessarily got what you were feeling, but the piece sure evoked pretty strong feelings in me. There is something dreamlike about it, nightmarish in places, and many of your metaphors, while I'm sure that they meant something very specific to you, I could apply to myself and my life. Some of the passages were so good I wish I had written them. I guess this is one of those pieces that the reader either loves or hates, and I loved it.
You’re putting the reader in a very difficult position here! A murderer on the run with his daughter, trying to escape to freedom – moral convention would suggest that the reader should root for the border-guards. Yet your ending and the successful escape comes as a relief of the tension you so effectively built up in the story, and the reader inadvertently finds himself cheering for the wrong side of the law. A very interesting effect, lol
Your descriptions and characterizations are excellent. I would have liked to read more about Josie, not only to satisfy my own curiosity but also because you could have strung the reader along even more by moving away from the main story line.
The way you combined Mark’s thought with what he actually said worked very well, the connections were seamless and put the reader right into your main character’s head.
This is a nice ghost story, subtle and creepy without being gory. Your narrator’s voice is excellent, it fits the story and the time very well, and it enables the reader to get a good picture of what kind of person he is/was. I liked the little twist at the end, where you reveal who your narrator is – that was well done, and the reader was kept in suspense until then.
A wonderful story, albeit a little short – I’m guessing that the word limit prevented you from writing more? The story ends rather abruptly, and just as I was getting into it No, seriously, I enjoyed the details of the storyline very much. You used the prompts well (although you changed the last prompt slightly) and you included a few particulars in the story that showed you gave the period you were writing about some thought. Your character development was excellent. A very good story.
I saw this piece in the "Short Story Newsletter". A very interesting story. You use the metaphor of "half" of everything very well, and especially the ending of your story made me think. This is so much more than just a "romance/love" story - an attempt at descovering and describing deep human emotions - and I think you did an excellent job.
Sweet story - are you sure you're only nine years old? You write very well for your age. You certainly have a lot of imagination! The thought of the dog jumping on the trampoline and accidentally landing on the moon made me laugh.
A nice story with a happy ending - I like happy endings! I also liked how your story developed. You are doing a good job drawing your readers in and getting them interested in your characters.
There are a few typos - like "diden't" instead of "didn't", and "wrold" instead of "world" - if you just read through the story again, you will probably find them. Also, you need to pay attention to closing speechmarks and capitalising names.
Interesting question, and the answers (so far) are in line with what I thought they would be. I have noticed that Americans (in general) seem to use more commas than the English - being English myself, I got lots of reviews from American writers telling me to insert commas here, there and everywhere. I complied, as the commas I was asked to insert did not go against any grammatical rules I was aware of - and now I am getting reviews from English writers on this site telling me to take the commas out! No point to this ramble, lol, just something that your poll suddenly reminded me of. Good poll
A nice piece, describing feelings that, probably, most of us have had at some point: The fear of not living up to expectations, the fear of failure. It is also something that many writers have expressed, and I suppose that writing this was a somewhat cathartic. If it's an emotion you are experiencing, it's worth writing about it.
I liked how you got from self-doubt to a positive solution of the problem (being "put back on the right track") but you also highlight the way things sometimes go round in circles, and the danger of feeling fine one day, but miserable the next.
One technical point: Personally, I don't like abbreviations like "wanna", expecially in a title. I think you might be better copying the last line of this piece and calling it, "I don't want to be a loser". Just my opinion
A very interesting piece. It's a little on the short side, and I think that you could expand it and make it into a very good and comprehensive article. You answer some questions, and leave the reader with more - which, I believe, is what you intended. Your description of the "temple" as a place where we seek peace not only applies to your religion and others, it also describes that certain place for everyone where we unwind and find ourselves after a period of stress or unrest.
A few technical points:
beleive and releive - should be "believe" and "relieve"
And I also beleive that the people who just go to the temple just for sake of routine really are wasting there time - should be "their" time.
There is an internal urge, it just comes from within. - You're saying the same thing twice here. Perhaps find another word for "internal"?
An interesting beginning. You give your characters enough depth to get your reader curious in what will happen to them and read on.
Your sentence structures are sometimes a little hard to follow. You seem to pad your sentences out with words that aren't necessary, in the worst case even make it difficult for the reader to understand what you are trying to say. For example, the opening sentence:
Finding a place to call home can be something so difficult at times...
If you cut the "something", the sentence is a lot easier to read and makes just as much sense.
When you look for a place like this, it can't be rushed as to making the decision that is perfect for you...
Perhaps try something like, "you can't rush the decision"?
There are lots of examples like that, and the same goes for your dialogue:
"Alright, here you go, no longer will you have to cope with it!" People don't actually talk like that, and it makes your dialogue sound unnatural.
Never had she the nerve to have Pat leaving his own him and her behind. That sentence doesn't make sense to me, it's the same problem as above: The cluttered sentence structure stops the reader from understanding what you are trying to say.
I think this can be rectified quite easily if you just read through your story again, sentence by sentence, and see if you can tidy it up.
One last thing: You have centered the whole story rather than left-align it. That's not a big problem, it just looks a bit odd.
Creepy. A very detailed trip into a disturbed mind. The ending was quite shocking. Great use of the image of colours – that could mean a variety of things, but to me, it symbolised “seeing red”, both metaphorically, and literally seeing lots of blood. You built up the suspense well, indicating that something was very wrong early on, but not disclosing until the very end just quite what had gone on – and the way you got there was haunting, to say the least. Good story
Wow, what an ending! That impressed me. You describe the scene well, right from the part when she sees the green teapot to when she finally “comes to”. I liked your use of colours and the influence they had on your main character.
The middle part of your story was a bit longwinded. You seem to go round in circles for a while, describing how your main characters is feeling bad about her grade, then better, then bad again… The Professor is repeating endlessly that he won’t change her grade but that it doesn’t really matter anyway. The reader got the gist the first time; there is no need to go over it again and again.
Just one technical point:
She wasn’t a bad student, she was just too creative for her own good.
Loved the title, and the way it related to the story.
I feel that I have to issue a disclaimer before I review this poem. I am not a poet myself, in fact a very rarely review poetry, because I feel I don’t have the expertise. Consequently, please don’t be offended by my layman’s view of your work, and feel free to completely ignore everything I say
As a poem, this work is rather prosaic. Not much imagery and it tells instead of shows. Poetry it seems to me should be elusive (as well as illusive) and each word should be at a premium and carry weight. This poem tells a story, almost in prose form. The subject itself is a well-worn one; tried and true, it tells a tale told in many different ways over the years. There is a soothing rhythm to the piece which makes it not unenjoyable to read, but the poem itself just didn’t speak to me.
A good story. Emotional in places without being melodramatic, it has the feeling of a well-rounded and well-told tale. Your use of language is excellent, and the way you convey the frailty of the father during his speech was very well done.
You give the reader a lot of details in this story, and I am not sure if all of that is necessary. For example, at the beginning:
Daddy, I wish you happiness in your next life. You have mourned the past fifteen years, over half of my life. She sighed as she mounted the marble steps to the front door. With a quick glimpse over her shoulder at the brightness behind her, she heaved another sigh before opening the massive door of the mansion and entering the dimness beyond.
While that is a great paragraph to set the scene, and cleverly tell the reader the main character’s age without spelling it out, I felt that the information contained in it was redundant. You mention the father or the house mourning a few times, but it doesn’t seem to be important for the story. Oh, one other, little point: I thought her sighing twice in this paragraph was too much. One would have been enough to convey her emotions at this point.
And again, at the end, when the family discussed the financial situation:
“…The only thing I didn’t share with Phillip is Lileth left her fortune to me, or any children born to me, to be given forty years after her death. Forty years are up tomorrow.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t need it. I have enough for a small nation. Karen, you have the trust fund your mother and I set up for you that hasn’t been touched. Roger’s in good shape financially. You both will share in my fortune when I do die, which will be sooner than later.”
I felt the middle part of this paragraph was information the reader didn’t need, that was perhaps even a little confusing.
This was very nice. Just a little scene, but painting a complete picture, and the way you present your main character’s feelings is well done. The story has a subtle feel to it, which I liked very much.
The only thing I didn’t quite understand was this sentence:
The memory was so dear to him because it set apart that desirable creation from the others that he knew, willowy and curved, framed in the mirror and, in the light, fresh-looking, sweet, and cheerful.
Perhaps that was because it ran on a little too long. You might be better breaking it down into two sentences. Otherwise, your use of language suited the story very well.
I didn’t spot any typos or other errors, well done.
Unfortunately, your story isn’t eligible for the prizes in this contest as it is over the word limit, but, since you entered it, I will review it anyway.
This was excellent. It was emotional without being melodramatic, and the way you led the reader through the story, making them guess one way or the other what might be the reason for Jack’s sadness, was very well done. I possibly found it a little long in the middle – the part where you describe their life together. The reader already has a very good idea that their love for each other was very deep, and the way you find another example of it, and then another, is perhaps a little over the top.
I didn’t spot any typos or other errors, well done.
A good essay, well written, held my interest to the end. Very informative to read how different people make their New Year's resolutions! Personally, I have given up on them years ago, being that I never keep a single one
I didn't find any grammatical, spelling or other errors. The only comment I would make is that you use the words "New Year's Resolution" a lot. Okay, perhaps that is a silly thing to mention, but since you introduce the abbreviation "NYR" in the fist paragraph, maybe you should stick to it throughout the essay? Just a thought
A good speech. It reminded me a little of the President's speech in "Independence Day", and a little of the speech Mark Anthony made in "Julius Caesar". A curious combination, lol
A speech is a very powerful way to communicate. Get it right, and the people you speak to are on your side. Get it wrong, and you have not only missed your goal, you may also have turned the people against you. Here, I think you got it right.
You have found an interesting way to link the title to the first line - the title being the crowd demanding a speech, and the fist sentence of the speech being the direct answer. A great beginning.
I understand you have used a period at the end of every line to make the reader stop, like the speaker would. However, the reader cannot hear the words, and the way the sentences are spoken. The speaker uses his voice to tell the listener that the sentence is not yet finished, even though he is pausing in his speech. The reader does not have that device available to him, and therefore some of the sentences can be confusing. I would suggest using correct punctuation, and making the reader pause at the end of each line simply because it is the end of a line.
This may have caused a fued in the bond we have kept. - feud
Well, I've got news for you boys, death is here. Should he be calling his men "boys"? Perhaps it would be better to say "men" instead?
Now I am a believer in God as well as the next sain man. - sane
Incidentally, I liked how the format of the speech changed, but you still kept up the rhyme - although some of the rhymes are a bit off, but it suits the speech.
I didn’t know where this one was going! A good story, it took me by surprise – perhaps because of my lack of experience with this type of story. It’s very short, but you make good use of those few words, if not necessary creating a whole story, then certainly depicting a very vivid scene.
I didn’t spot any typos or other errors, well done.
I must admit that I didn’t quite understand what was going on here – put it down to my lack of experience with this type of story - but it was very intriguing nevertheless. The language you use is very complex and certainly well suited to the type of story you are telling. The descriptions are vivid. The story’s weakness seemed to be characterization - I couldn’t really understand either of your main characters’ motivation.
I didn’t find any typos, your grammar and punctuation seemed spot on, and overall this was an enjoyable read. Thank you for entering my contest
A very exciting story. More in the “Action/Adventure” or “Horror” genre I would think, but an interesting read nevertheless. Your use of words and imagery is good. I found your characters a bit two-dimensional – they didn’t really come to life for me, perhaps that was because the action took over.
You used a swearword a few times, which I thought was entirely unnecessary. The actions you described made the situation quite clear without swearing, and it didn’t seem to fit with the characters either.
I have found a few errors throughout the story, I have highlighted some of them:
I walked in [through?] the blazing red and yellow door…
Fresh amazement was a thin sheen of newly painted orange. [Nice imagery}
I leaned on Darron, resting my arm around his waist. There was nothing new here. Why didn't we just go home? [I would omit the last sentence, the next sentence seems to repeat it.]
"Why don't we just go gawk at the freak shows and go home like normal people.?" I mused.
Darron laughed, "Bbecause this is supposed to be fun!"
"We see enough freaks walking down the street. Who needs the bearded lady.?"
"We've done everything that took you're fancy, it's my time now.," I laughed giddily
The sign said, "Come see the half man, half snake. Thrills, chills and more..."
This is what we call a Naga. Half man, half cobra.
And then the voice of the man with the black cape. “Do not move.,” Ithe said.
“You’re companion from last night? Oh, he left you here, sweetheart.”
An interesting read, thank you for entering my contest
An interesting article. You paint a colourful picture here, your descriptions are vivid and you really make the reader see the place. I liked how you started with "close your eyes" - not that I actually did close my eyes, otherwise I couldn't have been reading on, but it helped show the situation very clearly.
Since this was a contest entry, I was missing a link to the contest, or at least a brief description what the contest was about, to make it easier for the reader to understand what you were trying to do. Was it a contest about underwear, or about describing a scene from a different culture? It wouldn't change my perception of the item itself, but if you wanted the reader to review this piece as a contest entry, perhaps comment on the suitability or how it could be made better to help win the contest, then the reader needs to know what you were supposed to write. Just an idea
Good job.
JPS
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