Great concept! I never would have thought to put a vampire in such a difficult situation as this. But I'm sure glad you did! I found this piece suspenseful and entertaining. Although the events are ironic, they're not funny. I even felt a bit of empathy for our friend hiding in the pantry.
The story of how she became a vampire was classic, and fit well within the tale. Allowing me to lose the present as I got caught up in the past. I was then jolted back into the present, into the pantry, to the plaintive cries of Chester.
I could clearly see those two young boys enjoying their time on the beach. If only their parents hadn't been so intent on taking them somewhere fun! Ah... Too often we tear our children away from something we deem "dirty" or "gross" so they can do something "fun". When will we learn to stop imposing our ideas of fun and games upon our children and simply step back and watch them learn, discover and enjoy? I like nothing more than to watch my son crawl around the room, tasting, touching and learning about his home and the world around him. Of course, eating books is something I must discourage.
Telling a story from the perspective of an animal is always a fun read for me.
This one was bitter and brought a tear to my eye.
I found the narrator's strength of character to be inspiring. It's often the animals who show us humans what true strength means. Her determination to do what she was bred and trained to do, despite the effects that it had on her young and under-developed body, despite the pain she experienced every night of her life... Was breathtaking, and sad.
Oh how wonderful! Humiliating, but wonderful. A fresh and new way to view puberty and becoming a woman. I loved it.
I too would have been mortified if my head popped off, and furious with my mother for not telling me that it was a natural thing! lol
The descriptions were wonderful. Seeing the classroom from the point of view of the head on the floor, the gunk behind the toilet (people really should clean back there!)... Carl's reaction was my favorite. The smart alec little brother who takes matters into his own hands and does his best to find a way to re-attach his sister's head. Classic!
I loved how well you got into the narrator's head, expressing her thoughts and feelings. It was easy to sympathize, while laughing at her predicament!
This piece is so strong with imagery and emotion it's almost overwhelming. The entire thing reads like a dream and makes the heart ache with loss and misunderstanding.
Very powerful and thought provoking. I enjoy reading something that makes me stop and think as I go, to keep track of what is happening, to put the pieces together. The pictures are clear in my mind but jumbled and wanting-needing to stay that way. Flashes, like bits in a dream.
Very well done.
Thank you for sharing your work and welcome to WDC!
Very fun and cute! Poor Ginger! Not many people are as clumsy as she seems to be and during the course of the story I felt more pity for her than Richard! The narrator's exasperation and mortification was almost catching. The surprise at the ending was pleasant and quite unexpected! A circus always comes to town at just the right time doesn't it? lol
I enjoyed the mystery of this piece. Not knowing who Ted was or what he was looking at, only knowing when all was revealed at the end. Nicely done-I didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't what I got! lol
Ted's feelings were nicely portrayed and I enjoyed standing for a moment before the stone and looking for his name with him. The bittersweet feeling he experienced at finding his name was troubling at first, but then I understood.
Such a sweet story about a child's love, it brought a tear to my eye.
The innocence of children is captured so wonderfully in this story. Emily's deep desire to help pay for her mother's operation by selling rocks is heart-breaking in its sweetness. Her honest belief that people will buy them, and her deep disappointment that no one sees the value of her rocks is so well portrayed I could feel her little heart breaking when she packed up her wagon.
I loved how the story ended, and hate to give it away in a public review. The generosity of strangers is something that, in today's world seems more a thing of fiction than fact. I hope that this story, and others like it, serve as an inspiration to others.
"Donning them quickly, they took a rope, attaching one end of it to each of thr vests."
"thr" should be "their"
I saw that this piece was written for a contest and assume that the contest is now over. This is a piece that deserves expansion!
The main characters; Tobias and Kendall, make a mistake that too often people make when taking a trip. They didn't let their families know where they were going. I would love to explore the relationship between these men as well as their family lives a bit more. Their excitement at their impending trip is almost contagious and to stretch it out would build up the excitement for the reader as well.
That their boat is capsized and the two men are left adrift for three days is only a couple of lines. This too deserves to be expanded. To draw out the terror of the moment and to allow the reader to experience those three days along with Tobias and Kendall.
Their scout training comes in handy when they find themselves washed ashore a deserted island and the attention to detail here is good. The relationship between the two men seems about to go in another direction but is left unexplored.
Thank you for sharing your work - let me know if you expand this piece!
Absolutely fantastic. One of the best creation myths I've ever read. It truly answers the question of what came first, the chicken or the egg? lol
I loved each of the elements was created and the "cluck on, cluck off" was a stroke of hilarity that almost knocked me off my seat. The Great Hen is a creator worthy of her place, her imagination, ability and love for her creation were all very beautifully portrayed.
Goodevening and Upandadam were cleverly named and their creation was equally clever. I enjoyed that Goodevening came first and that the Great Hen was referred to as Goddess. Good blending of the traditional Christian mythology with the more ancient pagan beliefs.
The consequences of the humans eating from the Tree of Knowledge was wonderful in its unpredictable nature.
Thank you for writing such a fun and clever story!
Such an unexpected ending I had to stop and take a deep breath while it sunk in.
The descriptions were beautiful. The walk on the beach which led to the tree that had washed up from an unknown shore. I loved how clearly the feeling of the day was captured and the narrator's ease of mind while she settled onto the tree to rest. Even her thoughts of the bottle she found, and how she had responded to a few messages in bottles in the past.
The horror of the moment, of the story, is left in the mind of the reader. Considering the times we live in it's not hard to imagine at all-that's what makes it so terrifying.
Once again I would recommend line breaks between paragraphs.
This is a really good story. The attention to detail is fantastic. I could smell the biscuits and bacon!
I loved how well you enabled the reader to relate to Kate. Getting into her thoughts so completely and fully exposing her feelings.
James and Evie were great characters. James and his stoic manner, Evie's cheerful nature...and her sly smile when her son arrived! They reminded me of my own grandparents in a lot of ways.
This got a good giggle, and I had to stop a moment and re-read it just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating!
I love the voice it was written in, that mid-twenties, I know everything and nothing can stop me bravado.
For such a short piece it sure did make me think. To be in the body of a five-year-old would be an intriguing experience, but the effect it would have on other people. Being forced to play the role. Fun! Of course, the end scene in the bar threw me for a loop!
Such a terrifying vision of post-apocalyptic America!
The idea of survivors belonging to one of two factions is tried and true. The character of The Shepard, however, puts a fresh spin on this tale bringing it to new heights of horror. He sent shivers down my spine!
I enjoyed how the story was told from both views; the Forgotten and the Survivors. It gave depth to the story and increased the empathy for the Survivors.
I would truly love to see this piece expanded. It deserves more detail and background information.
Such a beautiful story, even about death and violence...family secrets.
The characters were brilliantly portrayed and the story itself flowed nicely. I was so wrapped up while reading the real world ceased to exist-something I always look for in a good book or story!
The love that Karen felt for her father was so deep, despite the terrible secret that he shared, it permeated the whole piece. The personalities of Phillip and his wife were instantly apparent and I felt no regret when Phillip stormed from the room. I also felt he deserved the consequences.
Give me a moment while I stop laughing and collect myself.
This was hilarious! What a wonderful take on vampires. Who would have ever thought of a vampire breaking a fang before? In legend they heal immediately (or rather quickly) and broken teeth are rarely, if ever, mentioned. This, however, was fantastic.
The main character was wonderful. His thoughts and feelings on the matter couldn't have been more clear and his pleasure over his newfound dental hygiene was classic.
This is a good idea for a story. I relish the idea of a child attempting to escape from life/work at a horrid factory. I enjoyed how well you were able to get into Bethany's head and portray her fierce spirit as well as her desperation to end her torment.
I would love to see this piece expanded. If you ever do more work on it, please let me know!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This was a fun story. Heartwarming, and a little stressful. How could it not have that element, it's a story about firefighters! I'm waiting for alarms to sound. The quiet contemplation of our main character balanced out my personal stress quite nicely.
I enjoyed how well instinct took over for the Chief, the fire extinguisher off the wall and in his hand before he'd even thought about it. Well done.
This was a great take on an elderly vampire. Child vampire has been done and "prime of your life" vampire is the norm, it was nice to see a geriatric blood sucker for a change.
Our narrator didn't seem to have too much grouchy old man syndrome, but he did have a harshness about him, slight and loveable. Even after he had his little "accident"!
The experiences he had "youthenating" (fantastic word!) and how he expressed himself, how he felt, what he thought...were all very well expressed.
The time line has a good flow, but expansion wouldn't be a bad idea for this piece. Not to novel-length, but perhaps a longer short story or even novella. I would love to see more detail on the Family, how it was formed etc... If you ever do expand this piece I'd love to read it!
Pretty powerful intro. It got me hooked immediately and held my attention. Utterly fascinating and excellent imagery. You got into the head of our murderous narrator quite effectively and I was able to understand him very well because of that.
Now... Where to go with this...
A piece like this leaves you open to a number of possibilities. I'm going to throw some questions at you. These questions will give birth to questions and I'll keep throwing them at you until I run out! They're simple tools to help you get the creative juices flowing!
The main character obviously kills for pleasure - but what is the "real" reason? Is it his job? Is he a government man or a criminal? How did he choose the job? Did it choose him? How long has he been "in this line of work"?
Share the story of his first kill. However long ago it was and how he felt during it. Give the details of how the murder was committed and how well he did. Did he mess up a little or was it flawless? Was it the first murder that spawned the craving in him or did it take awhile? Has he always been a monster? Was he the little boy that used to torture his pets?
The young lady who is in love with him obviously knows nothing about him... How did they meet? Give stronger examples of just how much she loves him. Also, clearly define his feelings toward her. Does he have some measure of affection for her? Is he simply more amused by her than he is by most women? Is she going to find out what he is? If so, how? Is she going to be the main female character in the story? If not, what happens to her?
Thank you for sharing your work!
Noe
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Getting to know Ed and Rosie so intimately through Ed's memories I too began to miss Rosie! Such a bittersweet ending full of hope after an evening of stress and mild terror.
Adding the excerpts from Poe's The Raven to show how Ed's circumstances were mirroring his favorite poem was great. It definitely set the tone for the piece!
Intense descriptions, building the suspense and putting the reader right into the car with you. The complete lack of control over the vehicle is so perfectly portrayed memories of hydroplaning, spinning out of control on black ice...all came rushing back with vivid clarity.
The final moment, when you are jolted awake. It left my nerves raw.
Wonderful. Such a fun little surprise at the ending, turning my initial feeing of "You couldn't resist his eyes? Come on girl!" to sympathetic laughter.
I too have been done in by his cohorts. They're so charming, no self-respecting woman would deny them even if she could!
"It actually starts out as an extremely flammable gas. Once the gland shoots the it out, it causes a friction which then ignites the it. Hence, the flame."
"Once the gland shots the it out, it causes a..." Once the gland shoots what out? Perhaps this "it" should be "gas". ??
"Wait a minute……how did I know this???? As it rose on, I backed up a few feet. Not really scared, but this was quite an intimidating creature."
"As it rose on, I backed up..." Should "on" be "up"? It would make more sense.
Your description of the dragons is vivid and easy to picture. I would love to see that power of description throughout this piece. You've done a good job of delving into the narrator's thoughts and feelings!
This piece has a lot of potential. The flow is a little hesitant, I would recommend reading it out loud as this can help you to spot things you would otherwise miss. It also can help you to see/hear where and how the flow of the story is off.
Thank you for sharing your work!
Noe
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