My first recommendation would be to correct the typo in your title. "Faliure" should be "Failure". Transposing letters is a pesky problem when fingers go too fast!
"After that had happened everyone felt bad for her because of what happened and because of the way they treated her beforehand. She was a great girl but none of us knew what to do."
Although it's easy to assume that you're talking about the divorce of the girl's parents in the above excerpt you should really make it clear to the reader. After finishing the piece I see that divorce is not what you were referring to. However, that misconception colored my initial reading of the piece.
"OPPS!"
Should be "Oops!"
I like the voice this is told in. It's incredibly realistic and easy to relate to.
I would really like to see more detail here, this piece really has a lot of potential.
Tell us the girl's name.
More about the teacher that adopted her. Why did the teacher do it? Go into her thoughts and feelings about the girl, both before and after the incident.
While reading this I felt as though it were another student who was telling the story, the tone and language, also the line, "We never took a minute of our time to recognize her as one of us or even a person." heavily gave that impression. Telling this from another student's perspective could be a fun way to go with this piece.
Thank you for sharing your work and keep writing! You've got a good, sound plot here that I would love to see developed!
Welcome to WDC! If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a line!
As the child of baby boomers (both my parents were born in 1956) I found this absolutely hilarious. I could see my mom sitting there with an ipod and her feet up telling the staff she wanted chicken tenders! lol
Thank you for this refreshing view of what is often faced with remorse and dread. I hope that nursing homes do become "fun" places to be!
A light-hearted view of something we all tend to experience at some point in our lives - even me! I enjoy how you turn it around, from you losing your memory to the possibility that your reader is in fact losing theirs!
I loved the fairies flitting about and the song they sung. The sorrow poor Tommy felt at having left his mother and gotten lost was so poignant. It's funny how in times of trouble it's often our mother who comes to our mind isn't it?! Even now she's the one I turn to!
I also enjoyed the happiness of the ending. This is a wonderful story for any child, but especially for those who have a parent in the military.
I enjoyed the vivid range of emotions that were portrayed so clearly by the main character. How swiftly her mind, and views, changed and how rationally she justified them.
I could see, in my mind's eye, the looks of triumph on the faces of all those girls at the end of the story.
What a beautiful story... Coming from a broken home I could feel some of Norm's pain. Missing his father, taking out his resentment of his father on his mother(although I took it out on my stepfather!)
This story captures so vividly the feeling of inadequateness a single mother can experience I empathized so deeply with Melissa. It was almost painful to read!
This is a powerful poem that eloquently puts into words the thoughts that so many of us have when we lose a loved one. The emotion conveyed by the poem is balanced with the description of the emotion and the overall effect is a melancholy that lingers for a bit, then, is gone.
As my husband is a tech-writer I was drawn to this piece.
As I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I was drawn to this piece.
I'm almost afraid to admit that at times I make my own bread, but I have a bread machine so it really takes no time at all!
This was hilarious. The attention to detail and the dashes of humor made me laugh out loud. Or I would have if not for the sleeping infant in the other room. :)
This poem brings to mind a line from Stephen King's Cell which... Well, I can't quote it directly but it was something along these lines... Mankind became the dominant species because he was the most murderous m*****f***** in the jungle. That has stuck with me because I saw truth in those words.
I enjoy the conversation/debate about which predator is the most savage. It is well presented and the arguments for the "winner" were profound.
A compelling and heart-wrenching poem about the final moments of life. The descriptions were beautiful. I could actually see the frail old man, with the shadow of his former strength hanging over him. Such a terrible thing to see your father wasting away before your eyes as death comes to take him. I could see my own father in my mind's eye, and how is poor health stripped him of strength in his final years.
I love the mystery of the story and the subtle nature of the girl with cobalt blue eyes.
The scene in the cafe is described so completely and so well it engaged me, and I could see it in my minds eye just as well as if I were there myself.
The characters who make their way into the cafe that fateful day are all given a life of their own that is so complete it's as though they were simply visiting the story for a moment before returning to their lives.
How refreshing to read a tale that contains the differences between religious faith and sorcery, that is so candid, neutral and honest.
A priest and a magician meet on the road. So similar, yet so very different. Both are taken note of in a complete and effective manner.
Giving them names, or having another way to refer to them would help differentiate between them. I did get a little confused at first but was able to keep them straight in my mind.
This is a poem that we can all relate to on one level or another. It's phrased so perfectly it seems to capture a moment from your life and display it before you. Refreshing the feeling of losing a true friend, and feeling your heart break all over again.
Thank you for writing and sharing such a beautiful poem!
So beautifully written, I can see why others mistook it for truth.
The relationship between brother and sister is so clearly defined the characters radiate with it. The surprise and sorrow, the cold-hearted confession. So well presented and flawlessly executed.
Thank you for writing such an emotional piece. One that not only touches our hearts, but makes us think as well. Just what is this world coming to?
You described her beautifully, and I could see her coat in my minds eye, matted and horrid. My poor cat has been that way a time or two. I sympathize with you on finding a groomer. :(
I loved her attitude at the end of your home grooming! It was as though she were silently chastising you. Silly human! lol
A touching poem about the memories brought back by old letters. Those letters we never get rid of, often keeping them because once someone we loved held them and left their mark. It reminded me so much of the letters from my Great Grandmother. I saved some of them, and put them into a photo album with pictures of her. Those letters...
What splendid imagery. I felt a slight confusion, coupled with a longing for the unexpected. The boredom of the couple was apparent (at least to me). In a way I pitied them...
Facing the first Christmas without my dad in just a few months I could so completely empathize with this character it amazed me.
Natale was such a strong force. Not only in his daughter's life, but in the story. He dominates entire paragraphs and has such a robust life to him. I loved him immediately.
Annie's determination to be strong, even though her life is shattered...so eloquently portrayed. It made me think of my mother and how strong she has been these last months.
This was a fun story, spooky and shivery with just enough humor and a surprise at the end too!
I really liked the main character, and how well her feelings mirrored my own. I enjoy putting myself into the character's shoes, and with this story I was able to do that quite effectively.
The descriptions were very well done and the tone of the story was wonderful. The stage was well set!
I did enjoy the vampire character. Surprisingly his blind trust made me feel sorry for him.
Really quite an interesting story. A beautiful character whose joy seems to know no bounds, but then is dashed by reality. She asks a good question that I'm sure we all must ponder from time to time. Entropy's girl is unique and has an unbridled passion for her own existence, but soon realizes that those she loves are left behind and gives up what she strove so hard to achieve to return. She has an individualism that seems to speak to you, never questioning why the narrator would follow her in her mad dash through suburbia. I know I would if she appeared before me.
To expand this you could go in many directions, you could either continue forward with this story following Dave after he throws the bottle into the ocean or you could move back in time. Personally I would like to see a little of both.
What anniversary is Dave honoring?
What does he write?
Who is Jennifer? What happened between her and Dave? Has Jennifer passed, and if so, how?
As it stands the story leaves room for speculation - room for the reader to make up their own minds about the situation, answer these questions themselves.
Where does Dave go after he leaves the beach, where does life lead him? Does he move on, does writing the letter allow him to move forward with his life?
Before writing the letter what was his emotional state? Psychological?
This story is rich with descriptions, and that is something I'd like to see continued in an expansion. To lose that would be to lose what I felt to be a vital part of the story.
This segment would be a good time to explain the civil war raging in your world. Early, when you're introducing Aleksander and he's hiding away his armor and the brand on his hand. This would be a good time to delve a bit into the history of the world - the Tyrant and his church, who he was, how he came to power, how he fell - if he fell. Tell us about the
Six here - briefly at least, name them and give a brief description. You've set the stage in one regard, now that you're introducing another character and another point of view give your reader some information about the world you've created. Help them begin to understand what's happening.
It's easy to leave off describing things until they become relevant to the storyline, but it often leaves the reader wondering about things that you don't think about because you already know the history of your world. It's also a fine line - giving enough information to keep the reader on track and informed versus telling too much too soon.
I enjoy this story, I enjoy the way your write. You have created quite a world and have already sucked me in!
I review as I go, I may ask a question just to have it answered before I finish the piece. If you notice this it's not my inattention! It's simply that when I notice the lack I make it a point to draw your attention to it. If I'm wishing for information to be given a little sooner in the story your other readers may be wishing the same thing.
"It was him. This had to be a sign. Ragnas Rolandt had been destined by the Invincible to find this young man and put an end to him. There was no doubt in Ragnas's mind that this was some servant of the Tyrant, destined to become more powerful and sow the seeds of corruption and destruction throughout the world of Men and bring about the fall of Ragnas's master. He knew. There was no doubt as to what must be done. All this ran through Ragnas' head as he watched Brother turn a corner and walk down a secluded alley, unsurprisingly, towards the Church's military complex. Ragnas steadied himself and followed."
The passage I copied above, brings a couple of questions to mind... If Ragnas has already determined that the young man is "him" why would he think of him as "some servant of the Tyrant"? Would he not be the{/e} servant? The one he's been looking for, the one called Brother? Why is Ragnas looking for this man? What is his driving force? Is it his dreams? Although I'm sure that the dreams will be revealed later a little taste would not be out of place this early in the story. Now, you refer to the young man as "Brother" later in the segment, but give no reason - no problem - but, the reference is sudden. If this is someone who Ragnas has been looking for and he knows that it is Brother then mention that earlier, perhaps at the moment of recognition. It's not necessary that the reader know why the man is called Brother, I'm assuming that will be made clear later. Also, who is Ragnas' master? If Brother is part of the Church's military and the city's police force and Ragnas is a knight then aren't they on the same side? If they are on the same side then Brother being a servant of the Tyrant would make them enemies but then why would Brother's garb put Ragnas on his guard? Also, how exactly does Ragnas recognize Brother? Does he see Brother's face in his dreams? Is it just a sense he has?
Is Halknid the arms master? This information would be pertinent, why else would Brother be concerned about Halknid's views regarding his armor and weapons?
Who was Brother's father? How did he die? Brother wants to "go down fighting like his father" - explain this. A sentence or two - not enough to detract from the flow of the story. Also, Brother learned from his brother, who is his brother? Are they in the same line of work? Is his brother a weapons expert? A teacher? This information you could give earlier, while Brother is making his way through the weapons room to his table. Follow his thoughts and reveal bits of his past to the reader, just enough to explain him as a person - not so much that you give away the story.
If this were the prologue to a novel and I were standing in the book store reading it the instant my husband asked me if I'd found anything I would smile and tuck it under my arm. You have got my interest. The pace is perfect, the stage is set for a much larger story - that much is evident. I want to know more about the structure of the society, what kind of creature/man Arden Menith is, what his plan is and why he has chosen Ragnas as his pawn. I'm not so curious about Brother's brother (that's funny) but I feel I would be if a bit more information had been given about him, as I mentioned earlier.
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