LOL. Again, a cunning twist! The first 3 paragraphs are impeccably worded, (especially the first) and set the scene very well. The story then gets much more lighthearted, almost to the point of being frivolous at times, and while reading it I felt a pang of disappointment. In hindsight, though, I did find it amusing (love the "as if to demonstrate, he strode out" and yeah, I scrolled back up the page to where he "strode in" :D )
All in all a nice piece, but I'm left wondering what you could really create with more of that deftly-honed eloquence of the opening lines....!
Cripes, I wish I could give this like a 4.9 or something! Your characterisation is excellent! I think that it's this impeccable portrayal of character traits, combined with the lighthearted approach that I mentioned in the last review, that makes this so very readable. It hasn't gone anywhere yet, but the reader (me) knows that it will, and that in the meantime it's going to be an enjoyable ride, and that is so important. I am easily deterred when I read, and rarely get past the first couple of pages of a book, but this is pulling me along very nicely thankyou :)
Comparisons are odious, but your other 55-worder of similar ilk takes the cake for me. I do like the expression "chased away my youthful glow". Very poignant.
If I were you, I'd have bypassed the EGR valve, bypassed Bubba'a garage, and in fact bypassed the F.O.R.D. altogether!
A nice, lighthearted piece with some funny references, (not to mention Ford-derived play-on-words) though it helps to be in the Motor Trade to appreciate some of them. I'd give it a 3.5 if I hadn't grasped these little "in jokes" but I did, so it gets a 4 :D Oh, and I hadn't guessed it was a girl writing the letter! Does that make me sexist?
Keep scribblin', but above all buy a decent car next time :P Or stick to skating >_<
Now that's{i/} feeling darker! Still easy-going enough for younger readers, but there's a well-evoked feeling of evil about Santayani, and I can almost envisage the underground city. The most graphic part for me was the last scene where the mother is turned into a wraith - I could SEE her dissipating into the dark crevices of the dungeon!
The only thing I'd change here content-wise is the description of Gruk, which is way too drawn-out, IMO. I too am guilty of the same sin, so I can't help you, but it slows things down too much. See what you can do.
Finally some petty things:
aligned --> lined
leader --> "sovereign" might sound better
whom are you ---> who (subject pronoun :P)
past time --> pastime
"I can see (by?) the hate in your eyes that it’s going to be me instead of you, Mother." and I don't grasp the meaning.
I resisted the urge to give this a 3.5 just because I was expecting a slightly more adult-orientated read. Assuming it is in fact directed at a younger audience, it is definitely worth a 4. The first chapter seemed to forbode a "darker" feel to it, and this has lightened up quite a lot. Reminiscent of Harry Potter as far as gnome-like nocturnal visitors go (or the videogame "Primal") it makes for a fun read, taken from an entirely objective standpoint.
From a subjective point of view, I very much liked the dialogue between the characters, although the background story about Alex's father etc. sounds a tad cliché. Description-wise, it was a bit overloaded at the beginning, but in contrast we have some good descriptions of Alex's mopey frame of mind, and my favourite sentence of the day, "the trees dressed for winter"!
Great stuff! I'll be reading the next chapters soon...
I like the easy-going nature of the writing, and the way it pulls the reader on without detracting from the obvious seriousness of the issues at hand. Humourous writing often tends to become frivolous, but you have dealt with that very well. It's just a tad "dry" rather than humourous as such, and I like that.
One nitpick I do have is the use of [b]she'd instead of she had in the narrative. This is OK in quoted speech, but not in narration. You'll probably put that down to "writer's prerrogative" but that's my take on it.
Lastly, this line: [b]one of her colleague’s research assistant’s needs the apostrophes sorted out.
OK, so here it is. My review. "If you read it, rate it" they say. "This item requires reviews with ratings" states the box at the top. So here goes....
While I realize you were having a bit of a laugh with this, and you may not expect serious reviews for it, but I think if you're going to write a funny story about a Hogwart's Spectral Bukkake Fest, you could at least come up with some decent synonyms and euphemisms for "cock". Considering the story goes nowhere, I think the wordplay and humour could be worked on a lot - that way the reader could be crying with laughter "come the end" if you'll pardon the pun ;) As it stands, it's something of an "anticlimax". >_<
A good beginning to the kind of story that would have me expecting clichés and namby-pamby fairy stuff. You fortunately managed to avoid clichés AND namby-pamby! It kept me interested throughout, and I'll be sure to read the next installments that you've posted.
A few minor nitpicks and/or suggestions that I can think of:
braches, truck --> Branches, trunk. endeared endured
Last line: I'd ad something like "... didn't touch him at all for that matter.
Isn't there another name for the "leader" of the orphanage? "Dean" or something like that?
All in all, I liked it, and as I said, will be checking out the rest!
I get the feeling this is a true story, or at least based on one. The piece starts off very powerful, in solemn kind of way, and progresses well from Regret to Yearning through Pain and finally to Resignation and Contented Patience. At least that's how I read it!
It borders very slightly on cliché at some points, and the word "sobs" doesn't sound right, but I can't think of any alternative.
All in all, the apparent truthfulness of the theme has won me over, and that's not easy to do where Romantic themes are concerned! :)
A nice, lighthearted piece with an amusing ending. I'm wondering how true it is? And I also imagine that you bought the car IN Nepal? Otherwise I can't see how it made it there at all!!
I do think that you could work on the humorous way in which the story develops. Maybe add in some more dialogue between yourself and your friends - the goatherd episode was particularly amusing and conjured up a perfect image of the situation, but alas was too short-lived.
In summary, I liked this a lot. With a bit of polishing it could be a great little piece which I'd gladly re-rate at a later date.
Very poignant and inspirational. You seem to have captured the essence of what it is to want to be a writer, and the latent fears associated with that desire! I like the quasi-humorous manner in which you repeat certain forms or phrases, and the way in which the whole piece comes across as "thinking aloud", even to the point of "coherent ranting"! I mean that in a very positive sense :D
Very few minor mistakes or typos, but overall a great piece, especially considering it was (presumably) written "off-the-hip". I shall read it a couple more times and see if I too end up "stepping off the brink"....
I like this kind of poem too! A great "epic" feel to it and evocative imagery. The ONLY reason I can't give it a 5 Perfect, is that the penultimate line upset the rhythm for me. Yeah, I'm fussy like that :P
Great stuff. I'd love to see more like this!
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