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Review Requests: OFF
401 Public Reviews Given
432 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
 I review both the technical and creative aspects of writing. I look for
 passive voice, excessive telling and redundant words/ phrases. 

I am British and so write, myself, in UK English. However, I have a good 
understanding of US English and so I am happy to review pieces
 in American English 

Character development is important to me as is tone and atmosphere. 
I am happy to review chapters and novels as long as requests are placed
 one chapter at a time. I will not review a chapter from the middle of 
a novel without having reviewed the rest as plot and character 
development can not be effectively analysed.

Feel free to contact me for reviews.
I'm good at...
I am good at reviewing short stories and chapters. I can not review poetry as I have little experience in that area
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Steampunk.
Least Favorite Genres
Non Fiction and Articles.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novels and flash fiction.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Poetry, Erotica
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Mysterious Ways  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I didn't have time to review this during the elf raid and so I am reviewing it now.

I can't say I have read many prologues as in published novels I tend to skip them, but this one does strike me as overly long. Is there no way of working this into the novel proper?

It is a well written piece, with very good description and a promising start to a plot line. The characters come across well, along with thier situations and the dialogue is well done. The whole piece reads well, with a nice flow and the action came across clearly and dramatically. All in all a very good start. When I have time I will try and remember to return and read chapter one. For now though I still have more newbies to review. Happy writing!
102
102
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!


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I thought I would review both halves and make a more complete job of it. I know the tempation for spliting it, as people on wdc don't like to review longer pieces; but I do think in this case it would be better as a single piece. If people aren't willing to take the time to read the piece to the end, then I think thier opinion likely won't be worth hearing anyway.

The danger with a piece like this is that due to spliting it, people will only read and rate half of it; which I feel due to the lack of conclusion could in some cases lead to a lower rating. I think that would be shame, as this is a very well written piece which has a nice twist at the end that should be taken into consideration.

Again my comments for this piece is similar to the last. Very good description and an interesting emerging plot line. Very good job, and welcome to WDC.
103
103
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!


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Very good start, but does have to be a prologue? I for one tend to skip prologues; being of the opinion if it was that important to the story it would be in the first chapter, so just be wary of that.

You have a real way with description, very detailed. I love your description of the battle scene. However, now this is partly personal opinion so I'm not going to mark you down for this. But I find in description, sometimes less can be more, and that too many describing words in one sentence can leave it feeling cluttered and heavy to read. I found that an issue in the earlier paragraphs, so just take a look; if you don't agree that's fine.

Also some of your dialogue vocabulary seemed to me a little modern. Exclamations like "Wow" or "Ha!" I don't think even a sword touting hero as late as Zorro would use. It just seemed to add a little disillusionment to the otherwise impeccable world you've created.

Overall it is a very good piece with very detailed descriptions of scene and actions. Your writing style has a nice energy to it, and the plot and action keeps a good pace. Very well done, keep up the good work.
104
104
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!

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I have to confess to being a bit confused with this one. Is it supposed to be a script or a story? I mean it seems to me more of a children's animated adventure type story. As that type of story I think it holds a lot of promise, as the style tends to be over the top and exaggerated, however I personally find that style garish and lacking in subtly.

It is also strange that you seem to flit between third and first person view, which does throw the reader a bit in places. It's a nice world you seem to have going and a story around a dragon magical school has great promise.

There are some great resources on this site which go into the complexities of character and plot development which are well worth a read, and will really add some flare to your work.

A decent piece of work with good potential, keep working towards that and I'm sure it will be worth it.
105
105
Review of In the Shadows  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!

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A very deep, dark look at an urban life. And a very good depiction of a man's cigarette addiction. I really liked the way you not only wrote his uncomfortable symptoms of addiction, but also hinted at the reasons for the addiction in the first place. It is a very good emotive piece, which really makes the main character feel gritty and real. you've done a very good job. Well done.
106
106
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!

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That was quite a twist at the end, I didn't see that one coming.

It's a very masterfully done piece; I can't say I would feel confident enough to try out such an exercise, but you made it work quite well. Despite the heaviness of the ending, it didn't sit too depresively either; probably becasue it broke off before the main character could fully come to terms with it. I think I found a typo here and there, but otherwise it's a very well written piece. Very good job.
107
107
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!

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A very toucing tale, I liked it very much. It has a very mythical feel to it, and is very well described. It has a very sad and regretful kind of ambience to it, and yet throws a glimmer of light up at the end. The characters of the phoenix and the boy were well written, and I particularly liked the description of the world tree at the start, and life the phoenixes led, which was a very nice contrast to the description of the human world and way of life.

I enjoyed this piece very much, thank you for sharing it with me. Happy writing.
108
108
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!

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You know this isn't the first gay fiction I've read, although I can't say it's my usual read. A friend of mine writes it too, and strangely enough she writes it for women not men. I really can't say I understand the attraction, but to each thier own I guess.

Anyway onto your piece. I confess I didn't know it was gay fiction when I started; not that it would have put off, it just sort of startled me when it turned in that direction. The characters both came across well, the description was well done, the situation was set well and the sexual encounter at the end was so unexpected, it left me in a similar frame of mind to the main character, which is good. So good job and happy writing.
109
109
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!

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A very good piece.

Unfortunately due to there being a lot of errors thoughout, I couldn't give it the rating I wanted. I personally place more value in the creative side of writing rather than the technical, as grammer and puncuation could be easily corrected by someone else.

When it comes to your content, I would have rated it a 4/4.5 as you describe scenes and actions very well. Your characters were well realised and have a good sense of personality and history. I love the almost childlike naivety all your characters seem to share, which works well in bringing the violence of the final scene into a sharp contrast.

Here are a few examples of area's which could be improved:

But then no one was supposed to have ever been able to hand the fable Rune Stone over to anyone, either. the Stone was supposed to be sealed in the Ray of Amber, and never be able to be moved.

I can see where the problem is here. You couldn't decide whether to make this one line or two, and therefore did something in between by accident. I would word it as follows:

But then no one was supposed to be able to hand the fabled Rune Stone over to anyone; as it was supposed to be sealed away in the Ray of Amber, never to be moved.

It's not perfect and I'm sure someone else could come up with conciser version. Perhaps just play with it a bit yourself.

Another problem I've noticed is your use of speech marks "", which are wrong in most instances.

"Just hold your pants on lad, Pollis said, a little exasperated. The next part should mean right again, then 100 steps, then down. "Down, Pol inquired, scratchin' his scraggly red beard?"

Now the way speech marks work, is to indicate which is speech and seperate it from any description. So they need to enclose only words spoken by the characters out loud. What is inside the speechmarks also acts as a seperate sentence. So if a character is asking a question, for example.

"Is that a cup of Lord Hammerhelm's really tasty coffee you have there?" I asked, pointing at the mug in j_darling's hand.
The question mark always comes at the end of the speech not at the end of the description following it.

Also, every speaker gets a new line for thier speech to show it is a different person speaking.

As such, the speech from your story should be arranged as follows:

"Just hold your pants on lad," Pollis said, a little exasperated. "The next part should mean right again, then 100 steps, then down."

"Down, Pol?" he inquired, scratchin' his scraggly red beard.

Anyway, other than some grammer tweeks and a bit of jiggling with the speech marks, your story shows great promise, and is certainly worth investing the time over to edit. I am sure that when it is finished, it will gleam and sparkle in the most brilliant way.

I consider the hardest part of writing a story to be getting the plot, characters and content right, and in all those areas your piece has been done very well. As Lord Hammerhelm is doing very well to point out, we have an editing room:

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This item number is not valid.
#1735788 by Not Available.


Where there are many grammer experts just waiting to be called on... or possibly just getting drunk in the CSFS bar... still, I'm sure they'll be happy to help.

Once your piece has been edited, I would be more than happy to return and give it the rating it truely deserves; as I really do think it is a wonderful piece and very much enjoyed reading it, so keep it up.
110
110
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow a very deep piece. It's very well written, you can really feel the agony of the parents The most horrifying thing, is the fact that for too many couples it isn't fiction at all. The tale really brings into focus just how small day to day problems are. Really, very well done, it was great read. I enjoyed it.
111
111
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
So if this is the first piece to be read by fellow humans, what read your last pieces? I like letting my cat read mine, has some very good critiques.

Anyway. Very good piece, perhaps I found it a little slow to start, but I have ADD, so kind of lucky I made it to the end really. Your characters are a very good play on the RPG fantasy cliches. I love the way you describe thier appearences and actions, it really gives them character. I certainly found the story amusing and it has the potential for lots of hilarity. Keep it up.

P.S apologies, reviewing this was on my list of things to do, but moving house was at the top of the list; which only left me some brief flashs of time to review short pieces.
112
112
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
It's a really good start, I like it. It's very descriptive and introduces the characters well. It's a very dramatic and immersive start, really plunging the reader right into the action, which suits my taste well. If you want to improve it slightly then you can work on tightening your sentences:

"Her breath came in rapid gasps, and her pulse pounded against the side of her throat."

Could be alter slightly to:

"Faith's breath came in rapid gasps, her pulse pounding against the side of her throat."

Just makes it feel slightly more immediate and powerful. But other than that a very good bit of writing which I enjoyed very much. Keep it up. :)
113
113
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very good, an intriguing start. The first paragraph to me is difficult to read. It doesn't seem very clear, particularly the final sentence:

"Despite its shimmering beauty, when it finally dropped its garments, a shroud of distance, it was not the source of illumination."

Now I think I can see what you're trying to do. i think you're trying to elaborate on the "garments" with "a shroud of distance" only using the "a" for me confuses the sentence, denoting it as a seperate entity. I just think you need to re word it.

Also the sentence before it:

"Was it that pool that was shyly revealing itself?"

Re reading it a few times, I can see you are refering to the "Something glowed on its surface" but it wasn't apparent to me until I really took the paragraph apart. I feel you would be be better off merging the two statements into the same sentence to avoid confusion.

However, the rest of the piece was much clearer. I love the detail in your description. The whole scene has a very mystic and magical atmoshpere and sets the story well. Good job.
114
114
Review of Judgement Day  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
That's a great story, full of really vivid detail. Your discription of the main character is really good and he comes across well.

I really liked the twist at the end. There are a few sentences which perhaps could be made to flow a little better, but not much to be improved on really. It's a very good piece of writing. Weldone.
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